A
female
age
30-35,
*elicity160
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years, we've been through a lot together and done a lot together but I can't decide where I stand with him; if I love him enough to stay or if he cares at all about me. I'm really not sure whether to continue our relationship or not.We've never had a romantic relationship, which I find hard being a hopeless romantic but he finds it all very cheesy and I respect that enough to not bother him with it all. I should say that our relationship is so unromantic that he's never told me he loves me and he never compliments me etc..But recently it's been really hard. I've always been the rock in the relationship and I've needed him to be the rock recently and he hasn't stepped up. But my dilemma is that we compliment each other well as people and we are a pretty awesome team, we also both work quite hard jobs with long hours; and I've been suffering from a lot of anxiety and depression which has obviously been affecting my emotional state of mind. I can see the rest of my life with him. But I can dread it at the same time. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Felicity160 +, writes (23 July 2015):
Felicity160 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone!
I just wanted to say thanks for all your time and messages and I wanted to share with you how things are now!
I've had a horrendous week, my dad went in for an unexpected serious surgery, and I'm running our business all by myself whilst he's gone and my family has had a lot of financial stress very suddenly and I've had to deal with this all by myself also.
But on my darkest day, I was lying in bed next to my boyfriend and I had an epiphany!
The biggest problem I've had with people giving me advice re: our relationship, is people advise us as if they were advising any other regular relationship. And I suppose, without meeting us in person, it's hard to convey the types of people we are. But this is not a regular relationship, we are not regular people. If anything, we're intense as hell, so our relationship can be as intense as hell haha!
But, in realising that although I'm 21 and he is 24, we're both far beyond our years and always have been; even as kids.
So I looked at our relationship as if it were influenced by us (which it would be), so you could say our relationship is beyond what a 2.5 year old relationship would typically look like.
So I realised everything that annoyed me about my boyfriend were things I had totally detached myself from so as to have a reason to be annoyed with my partner.
Traits on him that annoyed me were traits I had worsened in my own mind.
And suddenly I remembered! Projection! Normally something I would suppose is applicable to people that have been together for quite a number of years. But remember we're not a normal example!
My biggest problem with my partner was intimacy. He's not that intimate a person, so because it annoyed me, I didn't want to be intimate and get nothing in return and effectively made things worse.
He had stepped back so I stepped back twice as far. And this was applicable to quite a few aspects of our lives.
So, elated at the thought that it could be as simple as that, I rolled over for a cuddle and he cuddled me right back. I then got home from work to find he'd cleaned the house top to bottom by himself without even having to ask him. (Another bugbear of mine).
And he's been so supportive of me with my family (he drove me for over an hour and waited on me so I could have as long as I wanted visiting my dad in hospital), the business and has even been trying his best to make sure I don't have to cook in the evenings so I can come home and relax.
And like I said, I haven't even had to ask him. Not once.
I'm not saying our relationship is fixed. And I'm not saying it's perfect. And I'll definitely keep all your suggestions and advice close to me just incase. But taking some of the responsibility for problems I've manifested in my own mind and subsequently made worse definitely wasn't helping things.
Effective immediately, I'm a much happier person, and my relationship may just be exactly what I need :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): Dear Op,I do think that because of the several things you've listed that you've done together (work achievements, world travel, a house together), most people will find it difficult to understand how you've done so much in so little time. Honestly,I do too (i.e. it allows no time for uni and such which is normally what leads to the good jobs), however I think we have to recognise that everyone runs at different speeds.By "allowing your independence" without "questioning you",do you mean you won't have the same financial independence without his input? Are you waiting for the house sale to go through in October and then you'd no longer have "financial entanglements"?Sorry,but this is no time to beat around the bush. I can see why two are together (if you have achieved so much together in such a short space of time, that is complimentary indeed), however it seems to me the decision is made in your head and you are biding your time.If waiting till October means a cleaner break, you could wait till then. Sometimes people do change and grow. Sometimes they need a catalyst to do so.The better person in me tells me there is something a tad unfair in you pretending to be in the relationship till October if you don't wanna be in it.However, I have a creative solution (which I can't guarantee will work,but it might answer all your questions?)- have a break. Tell him is not a discussion, you've decided to do so because you are unhappy in the relationship.Then the things you want changing-list them. Concisely+clearly. Make sure that IF they are fulfilled YOU will be happy (I doubt that a bit).Then tell him he has 3 months without you and at the end of those 3 months you either see results or you walk.Ultimatums are not normally my recommended path, however you are so fed up you are prepared to walk anyway.The thing is-in October, you can decide, free of "obligations" whether you want to stay by own free will or whether you want to leave by your free will.I think part of the reason as to why you want to leave is a resentment (partially at yourself) for being unable to do so (i.e. love him, not a bad guy, good memories).The thing is-memories won't keep you warm at night. So make up your mind and act.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): @WiseOwlEYou were hitting the mark until you asked if you were doing so. There's a lot more to him than that. He's not a bad person and he's not with me for any personal gain. He's an honest, hard working man, he's just wired in the head different and has very backwards priorities. He's an only child with parents that have severely skewed his perception of the world and been terrible influences on his behaviour. (I.e. His mum would drive for over an hour to his flat to clean it for him without even being prompted to do so) He was also very close to someone that passed away very suddenly and does have serious issues with expressing himself emotionally as a result. I'm 21 and he is 24 but I'm actually the one with more business/life/relationship experience than him without a shadow of a doubt. So, in this case, age is just a number. We are both quite Independant people though (except for him with the 'in the house' side of things; cleaning, shopping, laundry etc). And I think I'm clinging on to the fact that he allows me my independence without ever questioning me. I feel somewhat like these are excuses for him but there really are no illusions here. He's not using me or screwing with me. He's just emotionally not there and is like living with a teenage son I never knew I had and I can't deal that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2015): I think when a person is unresponsive to the issues you you communicate regarding your relationship; they are saying without words, they don't care what you think or feel. He may believe you're getting all he can give you. Which is probably the problem. He's all business.
Don't confuse gratitude for what he has done for you, with meeting your emotional needs. You have to be a good friend to be a good lover and partner in a relationship, most certainly. One of the things many people can't do is articulate what it is they aren't getting. They might run an ear-numbing grocery-list that never ends; or they get nervous or uncomfortable, and beat around the bush. Hoping their partner can read their mind.
You sound like business-partners from what you've described. Colleagues. The relationship has morphed into an "arrangement;" where you both exchange ideas, but you can no longer exchange intimacy and affection. I gather he has never offered you much affection to start with, and you allowed just getting his time and attention to suffice.
Like many, you figured you'd deal with it when the time was right. Only because every-time you've addressed in the past, he dismissed it. So you put it aside to keep the
peace. Am I hitting the target, or completely missing the mark? Please let me know.
Now that you've reached your goals and success; he has what he needs, but it doesn't seem you're any longer a part of his plan. He's waiting for you to dry-up and fall-off. He gives you a look like you're foolish and talking out of your mind; because things are like they've always been. You're now beginning to realize what your relationship lacks. I suspect he's older.
If you're under 21 yourself; I am beginning to think he's the more experienced of the two. Your youth and inexperience may make it hard for you to read a lot of the signs. Your lives are now going in different directions.
...............................
A
female
reader, Felicity160 +, writes (20 July 2015):
Felicity160 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone! Thanks for your answers and the time you took to write them!
You've all reaffirmed ideas I already had in my head.
I've tried talking with him previously about how I feel and it's like telling off a school boy, he just stands with a face on and doesn't say anything. I've tried loads of different approaches which have all been emotionally draining for me and have subsequently gone unnoticed by him.
We have had some great times, without him I wouldn't have excelled in certain aspects of my career going on to win awards because of him etc. and the same for him with a new business of his I helped with things he couldn't have managed and we both have similar outlooks on life and have been to some amazing places and have been fortunate enough together to have afforded ourselves a fantastic home together but I recently discovered his life plan is just so very different to mine on top of everything.
I've invested a lot into our relationship but I would rather cut my losses before I invest anymore into it. He doesn't give me anything I need and he definitely doesn't make my life any easier. He pays his half of the bills but I do pretty much everything else our relationship and home requires and I can't physically or emotionally cope with it anymore.
I have a chance in October to walk away from it all without any financial problems and the house would be dealt with etc, until then it's waiting to see if anything changes.
I'm trying to decide if it's worth giving him an ultimatum with the knowledge of walking away if nothing's changed by October but I think that's just the way he is as a person and even if it changed things for a little while, he'd just go back to the way things are now.
Ultimatum or not, should I make him aware of how I feel before October?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 July 2015):
 My advice... I'll cut to the chase.. you will in the long run be unsatisfied with this man as a life partner.
If you "dread" the idea of being with him,
if he's never said I love you
if he does not compliment you
if your ideas of romance don't match
you are not a good match.... sounds like you may be good FWB and that's all.
time to cut bait on this one in terms of a long term permanent romantic relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2015): It depends. In general,I can say I've been through something similar and I think the "dread" is the fear of the unknown.Not necessarily a bad thing+ you also say you do love him, so just based on that I wouldn't have considered leaving,but there are lots of other things that got picked out by the others that I wouldn't necessarily have picked up on:-not being there for you/not being your rock (si he your age?Maybe he doesn't know how? but either way, you should be a "team" so you should support each other and if that support is not there, that'sa good question to ask "why is it not there?")- you working well- is that you or him? Do you work well with most people?Meaning that you might function just as well in any relationship,not just this one and that is on you,not on him. I.e. it is your own merit-the only thing I would have picked on and my biggest bugbear-his inability to say "I love you". Ok,so if he doesn't say it,does he show it? But still,I think I probably could not live with someone who could not say that. It's just like watering a plant-it needs water to survive, in this case the relationship needs "watering", it needs love and support etc. etc. to survive.I think unless you can answer those questions in your head and be sure of the answer you give (to yourself), you won't be happy.So decide why is it that you are shitting bricks? Me,I'm shitting bricks before I move in with someone, before all major decisions, because once I commit, to me there are no other alternatives. Lots of people don't think this way,so find it easier to commit to major, life-changing decisions. I,I am a bit on the cautious side.But you really need to unravel this fear in your head-is it fear of the future,of the unknown? Or is it fear that in the future you won't match as well,i.e. this might not be the guy for you? Which fear is it?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2015): 'I've always been the rock in the relationship and I've needed him to be the rock recently and he hasn't stepped up'.Nothing worse than someone who falls apart or can't be there when you really need them. This reason alone would be enough to put me off.Plus if you suffer from depression/anxiety it might help to work on yourself for a while and not have to worry about this/or any relationship. I myself have suffered with this and at the height of my problems there is no way I could have been a rock for anyone!The fact that you are having doubts at this stage, says it all if you are not looking forward and excited about your future with this guy, he's not the one for you. My dog works hard and we make a good team, doesn't mean I want a romantic relationship with him! Sounds like the passion is gone here and time for you to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2015): I totally understand what you are going through. This is a case of endurance and not love. i am advising you not to go on with this relationship. youve gotten so comfortable with someone that dosent give you what you want. If yoy end this relationship, you woukd definately feel hurt nt because you love him but because you have gotten so used to him. you can definately see yourself with him because of how much you know about him but you dread it because you know if you decide to stay with himfr the rest of your life, you wouldnt be able to stand it, lemme say you wont be able to breathe and might suffocate in this relationship. it might be a hard, long and lonely cold road but you would pass through it. The ball is in your court.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2015):
 There are many people who would be good complements. Assuming that that's all they want.
I'm going to list the cons of your relationship based on this short post:
-we've been through a lot together (I add this as a con because you are 18-21 and have been together for 2.5 years) What have you been through together? Perhaps answering that question will make the aunts here understand why you would want to work on salvaging this relationship.
-We've never had a romantic relationship, which I find hard being a hopeless romantic but he finds it all very cheesy (Yikes. So you'll go through your entire life, the next 60 years mismatched? Eek!)
- should say that our relationship is so unromantic that he's never told me he loves me and he never compliments me etc (Now I'm beginning to suspect that you are having us on. You've spent 2.5 years of your life with a man who can't express love or appreciation? What is going on here?)
Ok, now in your last paragraph you say "But my dilemma is that we compliment each other well as people and we are a pretty awesome team, we also both work quite hard jobs with long hours; and I've been suffering from a lot of anxiety and depression which has obviously been affecting my emotional state of mind."
You don't sound like much of an awesome team, could you elaborate on that a bit.
And that last bit, about anxiety and depression which has been affecting your emotional state.
Are you being treated for your anxiety and depression?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2015): How can you see the rest of your life with someone who gives you nothing you need or want?
He's unromantic, and you're a hopeless romantic. Please explain how you can see being with this guy for the rest of your life; while denying yourself everything you want in a relationship? It doesn't make any sense.
You can't get blood out of a rock. You can't get affection out of him. He's not giving you what you need.
So you think that's good for your depression and anxiety?
You aren't happy. Are you just holding on, because he gives you the time of day? Maybe because he tolerates your insecurities? He's simply tolerating your presence, and appreciates sex on demand. You also help pay half the bills, if not all. You probably cook, clean, and do the laundry.
My dear, what's wrong here?
You already dread it. You're emotionally dependent on the guy, and he doesn't give a sh*t. Yet you won't let go.
He's not a boyfriend, he's a roommate.
He's unhealthy for you. That's all I've got to say.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mature Lady +, writes (20 July 2015):
Why don't you sit down with your boyfriend and explain how you are feeling and where you both feel your relationship is going,you are young yet and of course you want to feel loved and be showen affection.To have a good relationship you have to be able to discuss anything with each other,try courting each other as though you had just met,but if things do not change,what is the point of being in a relationship that you dread.
...............................
|
