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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi! Hoping for some advice on how to stress down! Me and my mum are like chalk and cheese and rarely see eye to eye about anything! Since I've left university I've had to move back home for a year whilst I complete a course that I do at college. When I'm with anyone else I'm usually a calm, collected and perfectly amiable person. But when I'm at home my mum winds me up into uncontrollable rages that make me feel really upset and shocked that I can become so aggressive. It's got to the point where she hardly has to say anything before I fly into a temper. Tonight I came back home and an argument was started about something that wasn't my fault. I saw red and ended up kicking a chair over and hurling things all over the room. I didn't actually injure anyone as I usually take my rage out on objects around me. When I'd calmed down I felt really disgusted by my behaviour. The problem is also that my mum will not compromise about anything and her attitude is always that it's her way or the highway. She refuses to discuss anything in a reasonable manner and if I try to discuss a problem she often ignores me, gives me the silent treatment or uses things that I say against me later on. This is what serves to aggravate me. Has anyone got any tips that might help me to calm down and bite the bullet instead of flying into rages? Seriously no one else winds me up in this manner and I don't know what to do about it. Advice appreciated x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005): hi me and my mum have such bad arguments we can never get along with anything like when i wanted to go camp all my friends said they were not allowed and i was so i went to there mum and asked then they were and im not allowed now because she tells me now that after5 years i am still rude to her but i dint no what can i do for her to let me go its on friday please some 1 tell me the answer
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): I had the same problem with my mum, if you're planning to move out in the future, all you have to do is get through this year! When she accuses you of something, accept the blame and appologise - it doesn't matter if you didn't do it, all you have to do is keep the peace. I think you wind each other up becasue you're so familiar with each others faults so they become magnified in your minds. So a little variation may help - do something unusual for her. Try making her breakfast in bed, getting her flowers and chocolates, or doing one extra chore unasked, this worked wonders with my mum. Trust me, when you move out she will be all over you! And if nothing works then feel superior - it makes it so much easier to accept anything she says to you if you are feeling smug and rightous - as long as you realise later that your mum has her own special talents and is actually great!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 November 2005):
 You need to find yourself a new place to live. Adult children shouldn't live at home anyway. You'll get along much better with her if you only see her on occasional visits. Remember it's her house and you are the guest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): WOW i have the same problems with my dad. except i hit him and told him to fuck off. i left home, never looked back.
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A
female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (14 November 2005):
 As far as I see it, you've got two choices here. You can either learn to deal with your anger, or move out of your mum's house. We often find that parents are the only people who can drive us into our very worst moods, and this is probably to do with the fact that they're the people we're least inhibited in front of, but once we become adults ourselves it's a good idea to try and stop acting out this childish behaviour. It's important for you and your mum, as two adults living in the same house, to show each other the same basic respect as you would show any other adult.
Now, I realise that there are two sides, and I'm sure your mum winds you up horribly, but maybe you need to try and set an example this time - after all, you're just as grown-up as she is, so you might as well take the lead and show her how things could be if you both behaved a little better. Instead of reacting blindly through the force of emotional habit, you should examine whether it is helpful or realistic to become unhappy in such situations. Once you recognize that it does not work you will be free to respond in a more realistic and constructive way.
So, how do you do this? The first step is taking the decision not to get angry. There are techniques you can use to help with this - try the good old tried-and tested 'count to ten before you say anything' method. This will help you to avoid rising to your mother's bait. If she's giving you the silent treatment, leave her to it rather than reacting with anger. Tell yourself that the anger is only going to make things worse, and that at least one of you needs to break this cycle.
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (14 November 2005):
i've always had the same problem with my dad. i know it's difficult but when your mum begins to wind you up, take deep breaths, talk calmly and if you can't stop yourself getting aggravated, walk away. try not to talk to her unless you really have to because, i know even if you think you are saying something she can't argue with, she'll probably still try even if it's obvious she's wrong.
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