A
female
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anonymous
writes:I'm married with 3 children but for the last 2yrs I have been having an affair. He has a partner who is 25yrs older then him and he has noticed the age difference. They dont have sex anymore, so it's more of a platonic relationship.I have hinted that I wanted us to be a proper couple but he said that my children still need stability and he didn't want to break up the family. He did say that once my children have grown up then we could be together properly. Also he didn't want to leave his partner because she had breast cancer 5yrs ago and that she was 68 now and he would feel guilty if he left her.What I want to know is, does he really love me or is it just excuses he keeps making, so that I'm just his bit on the side? Help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): You are being used, dear. My gut reaction is to say,'walk away now'and get into marriage counselling with your husband and work hard to save your family. I think you already know this. Please don't fall into that trap, where you end up being someone who's marriage is so unhappy, that she wants desperately to be loved and will pay almost any price to have it happen. Even going as far as stepping on another women's turf to find that love. You have found a man, whom, for the most part, has 'blown you off' with excuses and you have made a decision that you are in love with this guy and are willing to wait years for you and him to be together.
Of course, he has told you that you are everything he wants in a beloved. And why are you settling for almost near-nothing. He can ignore you and use his marriage as an excuse to ignore you except when he has an itch to fill. A man of integrity and a truly loving man is considerate and thoughtful, not self-centered and hurtful. I'm sure he says nice words and give hugs when you do manage to steal a few moments together. But one needs to truly judge whether someone loves you by their character not by what they say. Loving, kind, and caring men place their loved one at the center of their lives-not on the back-burner, dear. Men who love openly and honestly, sacrifice themselves for their loved ones. And he's not planning on doing that soon, with you.
I have huge reservations about people who cheat on their partners. It shows poor character, and a profound disrespect for their loved ones and family at home. It's sad that women fall for guys like this quickly, then end up spending time and way too much emotional energy struggling to get this man to leave his partner, for her, before finally coming to the point where she regrets her poor choice. Your lover's behaviours has blinking neon warning signs all over him. Take note. So yes, you are being used..plain and simple. You can sit by the phone and weep or you can realize that you gave yourself to someone who won’t value you enough to keep his promises. You will find that out eventually. In the meantime, what about the people who likely love you the most-your children? And what about your husband? Amazing how love for some married liar and cheat, makes us forget the people we should be treasuring. Your biggest problem is how you value yourself. Before you ever love anyone, work on loving yourself, first and stop trying to find it in the arms of another woman's husband. Just my opinion, dear-take it or leave it. Take Care and good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): The role of the mistress is to provide no-hassles comfort and support.
Sometime the mistress gets married but mostly she doesnt. I think you have a 90% chance of being less happy than you are now if you push this.
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (14 November 2005):
 What you dont need is sarcastic comments but constructive advice.No one chooses who they fall in love with.We are all human! You cant be happy with your husband if you have been having a relationship with another man,and we dont know the full facts.Saying that, it does seem to me,that your lover doesnt want to make the full commitment.A man would have to be very keen on a woman if he had to take on another mans children.I think you should end it,its not going anywhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): You are just a sperm dumpster. there will always be an excuse why he can leve his wife. when she dies, he will end up marrying someone else even if he is still sleeping with you. tell your husband, and tell his wife. they deserve to know.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 November 2005):
 Sheesh, what a charming couple you two make! You really do deserve each other. I hope the three kids are boys so they won't have you as a role model. Two years of cheating on your husband is enough I'd say. Your poor husband must be in total denial, or really, really unobservant, or maybe he doesn't give a rat's ass about your slutty ways. In any case, you should divorce him and let him have custody of the children so he can raise them in a decent environment. As far your cheating friend goes you can bet the farm he's just using you. DUH!!!
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (14 November 2005):
sounds like excuses to me. i know it's hard when families split but, certainly for my kids, my own happiness is important. you shouldn't compromise your own happiness. if he really wanted to be with you he'd tell his wife. it'll be worse for her and your husband if they found out "through the grapevine"
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