A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My Husband and I have been married almost two years now. Two days ago I came home from work and he was gone. He only took some clothes and our dog from the backyard. He didn't leave a note and he hasn't called me to even say why he left or if he's coming back. I have no idea why he left other than the fact he didn't like our current residence because of our roommate.(we rent a house) We almost never fight and if we do it's fixed within the hour. I haven't been apart from him other than when I was away in the military for a few weeks. I called his work place to see if he had been fired because i know that he would be to ashamed to tell me. When I called they said I was no longer "affiliated" with him and were not allowed to tell me where he is. I am completely devastated, I miss him so much haven't slept or eaten since he left. Is he coming back? Is he ok? I don't know what to do I'm am so lost. What do I do now?!
View related questions:
hasn't called, military, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ErinPatterson +, writes (14 June 2009):
 Well I would start by calling his friends and family( you are his wife)...I mean you already called his work and the whole thing sounds really kind of weird..dont take my advice but I would give it some time as long as you know he is ok and not hurt..if he is at work he is obviously not hurt or in any kind of trouble..make sure of that first..if he is not and he has left for a couple of days..well that is kind of irresponsible not to call you and at least tell you that he needs some time alone..I mean he did make a commitment. Good luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): No i believe that just makes you more patient than dumb. That's a nice quality to have!
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (13 June 2009):
 He sounds to me like he has a problem coping with responsibility, and he messes up, and then just can't deal with what he's done. You are sensible and only controlling in the sense that you want things to run smoothly and normally, i guess ... he sounds a handful. But if you love him, you'll keep working with him until either he grows up a bit or you find some way of working out how to live together. Or you will at some point have had enough, and tell him to sling his hook (as they say in Yorkshire!! It means .. to get lost)
I agree with the other person who said he sounds lucky to have you. Good luck with it.
nx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Sincerly Yours and everyone else who answered me. I really appreciate what you have to say. He is immature but I love him. And of course that doesn't make me the smartest person either for putting up with it...but love makes you do crazy things...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): That's pretty major.. it sounds like he's the one with the issues.. so I don't see why he had to cool off.
I'm married to a military man and i hear about them being away and coming home ALL THE TIME and their money is GONE gone gone. Everyone says you shouldn't give a power of attorny but my husband trusts me and of course i wouldn't do anythng like that anyway.
Control issues are in my opionion, nothing that should end a marraige. But he seriously violated your trust and he's lucky to still have you, if youa sk me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen i was in the military i opened a joint bank account for us and he spent all our money and when i came home it was -900 dollars and he lied and said someone stole the card. It wasnt until i said i was going to call the police he admitted it. He even lost his job and had been lying that he had one while i was gone. He left the house and stayed at his friends partying the whole time i was gone. That was the big event that happened one yr ago.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 June 2009):
Also, bit strange that you said you had no idea why he left, but now you are going to counselling and wondering if he will ever forgive you ... sounds to me like you have a very good idea why he left.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 June 2009):
So what exactly have you been doing to him?
And how did he screw up? It sounds like maybe you never quite forgave him for that, and have been controlling him ever since. What form does that take? Whatever it is, it has completely sent him off his rocker. It's good that you are getting counselling, but I can't say if that will be enough for him. You have lost his trust, by the sound of it.
What did you do?
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 June 2009):
ps
and for the moment, you absolutely must leave him be - don't try to talk to him if he has said he doesn't want to. Wait until he comes to you. You can't force this.
Of course, there is the other issue of his utter meanness in leaving you not knowing where he was, but it strikes me that he was desperate, and normal rules didn't count. He may be having some sort of breakdown, you know. Talking to the family will help, although I don't understand who you would be socialising with at their house (everyone apart from him, i guess, who doesn't want to talk).
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 June 2009):
Well, good news that he hasn't actually disappeared but just think about what he has done, and why ... he has just abandoned you, leaving you to worry and not know where he was. Other people have helped in this. You do, I think, need to analyse yourself very carefully first to make sure there isn't something you are doing that is basically getting him in such a corner that the only escape is to run off. Even if you don't think you're doing something, there must be something in the dynamic of your relationship that is causing this. Can you think of anything?
And re: family, etc - I think you should go to anything they invite you to, and take any advances of making things up they offer. If you want to get back with him. And listen to what he is saying - that he wants to stay together, but needed space. It sounds like he has been pushed to the limit. What has been happening??
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI admit I do have control issues. I have been seeing a counselor about it since yesterday. But I dont know if that will be enough for him. He has screwed up badly in the past and i forgave him. Will he do that for me and give me a second chance?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): Since they are family I think it means they would like you and him to fix your relationship and get back to the way things were before he stormed off. It's up to you now if you want to go. Mind you, since he left to think things over maybe that was code for he didn't want to blow up in your face because he is under stress. I say give him some slack and reel him in when he is nice and relaxed. Maybe you're too controlling?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI promise Im not making this up at all. Its entirely true. Unfortunatley. And like I said am also confused. He does tend to be reserved and bottles up things so that probably why I didn't notice. I finally found him today, he went to a family members house and they told me he just needed to cool off and think about things. They said he's not planning on leaving but that he doesn't want to talk to me ..yet. Well would they be telling me the truth? They also invited me over for dinner to socialize with everyone. What does that mean? I think im even more lost then before? Is this a good sign or bad?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): Either he's the scum of the earth or maybe has a government job. Is he in the military also? Is he possibly part of another top secret goverment job like the CIA where they might make he disappear w/o a trace to protect his assignment? Probably not.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): I think anyone who has been left with absolutely NO word and NO note and no nothin gets a little pity at least! I mean, he was just gone.. how disrepectful to not even leave a hint as to why.
But i certainly do hope that he's ok..
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (11 June 2009):
Well unless you're not telling the whole story (but I'm sure you are!) then it looks horribly like he has done a disappearing act on you. But what about his parents? And friends? What do they say? Aren't they worried that maybe something has happened to him? But then again if his work have been instructed to say nothing ... what does he do?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Oh.. i was placing no judgement on your age of marraige. I was married at 18, he was 17.
I just don't understand why is work would tell you that.
Maybe i'm just paranoid about fake questions being posted here because I don't want us to be made into fools when we're really just trying to help.
But your whole wtory is SO confusing to me. you said you thought everything was fine, you never argued.. so you think he was having an affair? Was your communication so closed that you woulnd't have noticed any signs?
And if he doesn't contact you, then you can't even divorce if that's what needs to be done?
This sounds horrible. I've never heard of anythign like this before.
Please let us know when you find out waht's going on.
~SY.
...............................
A
female
reader, nancyhasglasses +, writes (11 June 2009):
I'm sorry he was not honest with you, but there's nothing you can do to make someone like you. Quit checking up on him, the more you badger him the more he'll try to escape it. You need to not pitty yourself but honestly evaluate how the relationship was going.
You mentioned that you hadn't been away from him often, that's not healthy as you each need your own lives and ambitions, the drive toward goals and supporting each other in endeavors is what keeps relationships healthy.
If he still loves you, he'll let you know. If he doesn't, aren't you glad you found out and can now persue someone who does?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am 21 and we got married when i was 19 but he is older than me he is 23.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): You need to prepare yourself for the fact that he might never come back. I think, for him to have been so unhappy and for you to have not noticed anything at all either means one of two things. Either you were living in denial about what your relationship was like, or he was so good at concealing his true feelings.
There might be someone else. There might be a drug or gambling problem. You might never know. It seems like he has told the people at his work to not give you any information. It seems he planned things.
The poster below who said you need to gather up a support system is dead right. You will have to watch yourself carefully and make sure that you are not getting depressed, anxious etc. If you can, maybe go to therapy. Nobody here knows about what your relationship was like, but you do.
Marrying at your young age - I wonder if he was also that young? He possibly felt trapped in the marriage and felt like he couldn't tell you. Either way, even if he does come back I think it's safe to assume that the relationship is over. If he can do that to you, he doesn't deserve your time.
...............................
A
female
reader, ohhellNo +, writes (11 June 2009):
I undertsand you care for him to try and call his work to figure out were he is but its unfortunate and obvious he does not care for you as much to just pick up his things leave and TAKE THE DOG! You must move on with your life until he returns if he desides to return. until then theres nothing else he left and you have no idea where he is. hes obviously alive and well if he told his work not to give you any info, but he obviously still works at his job and if you know his work schedule you can go down to his job around the time you think he gets off and maybe try to comfront him about his actions.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): This doesn't sound right..
His work place woulnd't tell you if he works there? You don't have to be married to someone in order to speak to them at work.
You don't really have to know them at all..
So you're 18-21.. what age did you get married?
This is very confusing to me.
...............................
|
