A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm dating a man who's been divorced twice. He is currently 40 and upon asking him, he said the first time around, it was because they both got married very young (I think at age 21) and they stayed together a very long time. He said they were both immature at the time and that his ex wife was known to be tough and uncompromising.The second marriage was 5 years long and he said that the woman had claimed to have fallen out of love with him. He also said after the passing of her father, she had changed emotionally. He said it was "very out of the blue" when she said that she fell out of love with him.I've only been on two dates with him so far and I'm being cautious.He said there was no infidelity and that each ex wife has re-married and are not on ill terms with him. He states that he's moved on and that even if they wanted him back, he wouldn't go back.Should I read into this too much? I don't want to assume and make up stories about how things happened.
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, his ex, immature, infidelity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all!
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (14 October 2019):
 You should be cautious of anyone when getting to know someone in the dating world. Relationships don’t always always work out as we all know and people get divorced, it happens. It doesn’t mean they’re any less deserving of being loved because they have some baggage.
Take it slow and get to know him well before making any decisions but I wouldn’t rule him out just because he’s been divorced. He simply wasn’t a good match with his partners after they initially thought they would be.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): If he has a good relationship with both his ex's i would see that as a plus. Sometimes life happens and things don't work out the way you want but knowing there's no animosity means that the splits didn't happen because he's an asshole. The thing with his second wife sound very sad because it's one of those life things that there's nothing you can do anything about.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 October 2019):
 As we get older, most of us acquire "baggage". As divorce has become easier to obtain and more accepted socially, it's not unusual these days for people to have been married and divorced more than once.
There are always two sides to every story and, while he could be giving a fairly accurate picture of what happened in the two relationships, it is rare that one party is completely to blame for the break-up, especially in a lengthy relationship. That said, it's not unusual for someone to decide to completely "re-hash" their life after the death of someone close.
You do right to be cautious - regardless of his past. Take things slowly and listen to your gut if something doesn't feel right. Time will tell whether he is a genuine guy who just got unlucky or whether the two ex wives ran for the hills after they found out what he was really like.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 October 2019):
 The only "reg flag" I see is how he explains the divorces as the wives fault, in both cases.
Usually, there is more to a break up/divorce then just HIS (or HER) side.
However, THAT is his past. YOU are not looking to date who he WAS, but who he is, correct?
I am all for transparency in getting to know people, but I do find it odd when people gives a "past relationship history resume" over dinner to a new potential partner. I just find it an odd topic. Sure, he could have said I have been married twice and they didn't work out. Why the need to put the "blame" on the women? If you know what I mean?
I'd just go slow here, if he has the qualities you are looking for.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2019): Typo corrections:
"The reasons given by the gentleman are feasible and quite typical; but what you must remain vigil and cautious about is what part he played in the reasons for divorce."
Better said:
"He claims to be on good-terms with his exes; but I'd accept that with some measured skepticism."
*Considering being a good distance away keeps everyone concerned on very good terms.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2019): There's a story or stories behind every divorce. As those involved differ, so do the reasons. The reasons given by the gentlemen are feasible and quite typical; but what you must remain vigil and cautious about is what part he played in the reasons for divorce. Remain skeptical when there is never any admission of responsibility or contribution to the reasons leading-up to a divorce. It takes two!
We listen to one-sided stories here on DC all the time. We have little choice but to give the OP benefit of the doubt; and advise based on the details and comments before us. I wouldn't want to sit on jury duty holding someone's fate in my hands based on a one-sided testimony or just on one witness's account.
You've only been on a couple of dates. Remain cautious and keep your eyes and ears open. A man of strong-character doesn't throw others under the bus; he'll own his responsibility and humbly confess his own shortcomings. He'd show some modesty and be candid about his own weaknesses and faults. He'd explain how he overcame his past faults, or how he triumphed and emerged from his failures. That's to earn your trust and offer you reassurance.
I'm skeptical of OP's who come here and completely trash their parents, villainize those who disagree with them, or make it seem they are totally victimized yet they refuse to be told to leave their accused perpetrator. Thus, I'd be just as curious as to why one ex-wife fell out of love with him? If the first-wife was so immature, why did he marry her in the first place? If she showed signs of immaturity after marriage, she was just as immature and unprepared for it before marriage. Lots of questions, few answers where he's concerned.
I expect people who are divorced more than once to be somewhat defensive; because it does raise an eyebrow. Everyone has their unique situations and stories to tell. It's just that it's more likely you won't get the scarier details. It's what you don't know that can hurt you. If you've never been married, tend to be trusting and somewhat naive; maybe this gentlemen may be a bit too experienced, and out of your league. He claims to be on good terms with his exes, accept that with some skepticism. The proof is in the pudding, you can only take his word for that. It would provoke some major discomfort to tell you otherwise.
If he freely introduces you to his friends and family; you can judge his character better. If his behavior is consistent, and he doesn't put on an act your gut tells you "it's too good to be true." I'd trust my gut!
Listen carefully when he speaks. Be mindful of inconsistencies. Test his values. Discuss those issues and beliefs that are most important to you; and use your discernment based on his shared values.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 October 2019):
 I dont see why you should worry. Unless you have religious restrictions against dating/marrying a divorced man. A lot of people treat marriage and divorce like its not a big deal. He is either one of them, or he married two of them.
What exactly are you worried about and what are you looking for in this relationship?
...............................
|
