A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Thank you for the wonderful advice from wonderful people like FloridaCatGirl and others for a question I posed a few days ago. I will paste the link to the question at the bottom if you care to read it. I kind of knew what had to be done, I just needed objective sweet people like you to smack me on my forehead.Well, that very same day I went to my gf and broke up with her. There was a lot of crying and sobbing and holding and kissing as it was very difficult for both of us. I gave her the reasons and told her that I was not comfortable with her going off out of town with a male friend (when we both know he has the hots for you) or getting really close and chummy with her ex boyfriend. I even told her that I believed she is lining up these guys because she is insecure of our relationship. At no point did she offer to have a more appropriate and acceptable relationship with these guys for the sake of salvaging the relationship. She said that they are her friends, her “spiritual friends” she called them. After a few hours we parted.The very next day she was spending her whole time with this guy and last night he spent the night there and they slept together. This morning she purchased Replens (first time she’s bought them). Please don’t ask me how I know these things. Sufficed to say that I am certain. She is now planning to do all the things we were supposed to do together, with him. They will be off on a road trip to spend a few days with her sister for Thanksgiving and he has pretty much moved in with her. I know for certain that she did not sleep with him before the breakup. This is the guy that I know she is not even attracted to physically, she even told me that he was effeminate. He has been her friend (who is also her employee and depends on her financially and is 14 years younger than her) for years while she has had other boyfriends but never chose him before. I now know that my suspicions of her character and state of her mind were accurate. What I did not expect was the feeling of sadness, betrayal and abandonment that I feel now. It is now clear to me that she has been having emotional affair with him for months. I am the one that broke up but it seems like I was just an object to her that was replaceable. I feel sick and obsessed with wanting to know what she is doing and that she is happy without me in her life. I am not a bad looking guy and did treat her very lovingly all the time. Knowing full well that breaking up was the right thing to do, I find it hard to move on because of this. She was someone that I did care about and spent 2 years doing fun things with so I expected just a little bit of greif. I am afraid it will be harder for me as time goes on as I am not like her. I will not someone who will get into a relationship until I feel ready to give my heart again. How can I forget her and move on and not obsess with what she is doing now?Link to my previous question:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-stay-with-my-girlfriend-who-has.html
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affair, broke up, her ex, insecure, kissing, move on, moved in Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Thank you all for your responses. It is hard to know you've loved someone who cannot love you back. I am upset with myself for not having gotten out sooner when clearly I had premonitions.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (24 November 2010):
 We all know how you are feeling. We've all been there. What you need to do is focus on forgetting her and moving on. Going back to that place of wondering what she is doing and who she is with, that is not healthy for you.
You broke up with her but still know exactly who she was with is a little creepy. You shouldn't even care.
It's over. It's in the past. Don't look back but look forward. The more you look back, you will miss the great things in front of you. Work on healing yourself, which is doing things for yourself like hobbies, ect.
You have the remember that she shouldn't have been your LIFE. she was just a part of it. And now that she's not, you have to get your life back.
You say she's has love addiction but what does that say about you when you were attracted to her and still "obsessing" over her.
Work on yourself. You will be fine. Think of this relatationship as a huge learning lesson. Just know it gets better and you will meet someone you love more than her one day. But that only comes when you love yourself first. good luck.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (23 November 2010):
 First of all, I am flattered that you found my advice so helpful! Thank you!
More importantly, I want you to know that I commend you for having the strength to end your relationship. Breaking up is never an easy task, especially when you still have such deep emotions for someone. The heartache you are experiencing is to be expected. The fact that she has moved on so quickly only makes the pain worse.
Her actions speak volumes about her character. As painful as this breakup has been, you are saving yourself from years of unnecessary hurt and sadness. It’s better to deal with it now, at this stage of the relationship, rather than prolong the inevitable. This woman has emotional issues that will ruin every future relationship she has, unless she gets professional help. We have already concluded that she suffers from love addiction… but I suspect she has even deeper issues than this. For instance, look how easy she found it to move on and replace you with this other man. That is not normal.
You need to remind yourself that this woman is incapable of having a healthy, deep, loving, committed relationship with you… or anyone for that matter. When you are in love, the last thing you want to do is cause your partner any pain. And your partner’s feelings always come before those of your friends. Her inability to end all communication with her ex-boyfriend and her boy toy friend show how selfish and self centered this woman truly is. If she were serious about saving your relationship, she would have volunteered to cut ties with these men and do whatever was necessary to get the relationship back on track.
Right now, you need to grieve the loss of this woman. It’s the first step in getting yourself over her. I understand that you are obsessing over what she is doing and how she is feeling. You must not give in to this obsession because it will make it harder for you to get over her. This means you need to refrain from whatever you are doing to find out all this information about her. Get rid of anything that reminds you of this woman and do not contact her.
You need to find something to keep your mind busy. I suggest finding a good book, going to the gym, going out with friends, playing a game (or video game), working on a hobby… anything that keeps your thoughts off of this woman. Time is the best healer, and you will get over her faster if you take the necessary steps to remove her from your life. If you think you might need to talk to a counselor, by all means, do so. Remember… you are a wonderful man, with lots to offer a woman… you deserve someone who can offer you the same in return!
I hope you will keep us updated on how you are progressing… or if you encounter any problems or setbacks. If you would like my home email, just shoot me a message and I will send it to you. Life will get better, so keep your chin up!!!
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (23 November 2010):
We all know how you are feeling. We've all been there. What you need to do is focus on forgetting her and moving on. Going back to that place of wondering what she is doing and who she is with, that is not healthy for you.
You broke up with her but still know exactly who she was with is a little creepy. You shouldn't even care.
It's over. It's in the past. Don't look back but look forward. The more you look back, you will miss the great things in front of you. Work on healing yourself, which is doing things for yourself like hobbies, ect.
You have the remember that she shouldn't have been your LIFE. she was just a part of it. And now that she's not, you have to get your life back.
You say she's has love addiction but what does that say about you when you were attracted to her and still "obsessing" over her.
Work on yourself. You will be fine. Think of this relatationship as a huge learning lesson. Just know it gets better and you will meet someone you love more than her one day. But that only comes when you love yourself first. good luck.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I understand how you feel. Moving on is not as easy as people make it out to be sometimes, it's a process. Right now, it's perfectly fine to grieve and anger-it's healthier and more progressive than complete denial and forcing yourself into a rebound relationship. You know you won't get over her when you're still constantly wondering about her, hon. So, this is the time you focus on YOU. Take up a hobby-something that excites and captures your attention, something that's always been at the back of your mind. Take an exotic trip..break-ups give us the chance to reflect, to get to know ourselves again as a person-not a unit. To really get over someone, there has to be a focus on "me" and forgetting the "we" you were. Every time you find yourself thinking too much about her, call up a good friend, go out for beers. Go to the beach etc. You can even keep a journal, unleash all your thoughts when they become too much. Do your own fun things and you'll quit worrying about her activities :)
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