A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm a 21 year old girl who had been dating a boy for three years. He was the first and only guy I have ever kissed and dated.We were in a very stable relationship and I love him a lot, I think he would be my ideal husband but the thing is:I only want to get married when I'm 30 because I wanna focus on my carrier. So at the same time I know he's the one for me, I feel bored with this routine with him. He's lovely but I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore and I miss when things were exciting.I mean, we're young and I feel like I haven't lived at all! If we were 30 I would be perfectly happy, but now I don't feel absolutely anything.So, I though it was unfair and broke up with him, but am I doing the right thing? Tell me your thoughts please!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): If you don't find him sexually attractive not then it means that once you did. So along with being bored, wanting to marry at 30 and "living in full" (whatever that means)... I see no specific reason why you should break up with the guy. What have you done to be not bored with him, to enhance sexually? How much have you talked to him about these issues which are normal in a relationship? What's your contribution and effort in fixing what bothers you with the relationship?A relationship is not one way street where the guy has the sole duty to contribute and lead and frankly being bored is, excuse my pun, but one of the dumbest reasons women break up and give a bad name to girls. Nor is career incompatible with dating a guy, nor is school, nor is traveling etc.So are you doing a right thing? I really don't know for you but from the sound of your post, I think it is a right thing for your guy so he could be spared misery of a future one-way relationship.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 March 2015):
 I think you did the right thing, if you are bored with him after 3 years and you feel no physical attraction for him. He may be a good person, and feel safe, dependable and comfortable- and this is part of being in a stabe relationship, but it can't be all.Neither at your age nor at 30. Probably, no, he would not have been perfect for you at 30 either. 30 may feel like ripe old age to you :), but in fact it's not an age to become bored, stuck in a root and indifferent ( if ever there's an age for that ! ) 30 is young, and is an age brimming with emotional, creative , sexual and transformational energies that must find an outlet also in your relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): You just don't truly love him, if you did, you would not feel this and it is fine. My pilates teacher is 35 now, she met her husband at 19, married him at 22, he was 25. They both went college while married, worked and when she was 30, after they already bought a home, they had their first child, now she just had their third baby. They still love each other so much, they are one of the happiest couples I know. So, the fact you are young and want to do things it doesn't mean anything. If you loved this guy you would pursue all your dreams and ambitions with him, like my pilates teacher did. So, don't feel bad, you stopped loving him and you let him go and you did the right thing. But be prepared with the very possibility that just because you want to get married at 30, it absolutely doesn't mean you will find the one till then. You could reach 35 and still be single.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (5 March 2015):
 Only time will tell whether you made a mistake or not. Something similar happened to me when I was your age. A good man who would have been a good husband, father to my kids and a wonderful provider, wanted to marry me. I felt I had not lived my life as yet and I declined his offer. Fast forward 20 years or so, after my divorce from another guy and many failed relationships on my part, I saw him again at a family funeral. He was married to someone else. He looked happy and stable and he had a family. We chatted a bit and it was really great to see him again. Even though my life did not turn out exactly as I had planned, I am happy I did not marry him. The marriage, while stable and maybe even boring, would have stifled my spirit and driven me to become someone I would hate. After seeing him that day, I realized I had made a good decision over 20 years ago, when I followed my heart and not my head. Follow your heart. An adventure awaits you...but beware! Life never turns out the way you expect it to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): I think you made a wise decision, and you did it for all the right reasons. Why are you having doubts? It's only fair to him; if you're not feeling anything toward him, and you've lost the feelings you had. You're being fair to yourself by being honest; and not just clinging onto a lifeless relationship for no logical or tangible reason.
You have to understand that being with someone for a long time doesn't obligate you to marry that person. Mutual love, affection, respect, and attraction should be the reasons. You are also very young, and far too many young people these days don't prepare themselves for their futures. They have no clue how they plan to support themselves, let alone a family. Yet their minds are on marriage and children with absolutely no education or life-experience; which is essential for survival. How can you maintain something as serious as marriage and parenthood when you have no tools for survival? If you've never been anywhere, have no dreams; or haven't done anything of significance? For too many people, all this comes as an after-thought. You woke-up just in time!
You're right. You haven't lived. You've concentrated all your time and energies on trying to make a relationship succeed. So count that as an experience, and store it for future use. You are in the prime of your life as a woman; and you need experience and independence to in order to discover yourself and reach your fullest potential. You obviously have ambition. Don't snuff out that candle. It's the light leading to your success. I'm not just talking about financial success. I mean survival. Finding purpose and learning. Preparing yourself to give-back someday.
We answer a lot of questions from young men and women going through a lot in relationships that aren't working. They're with the wrong people, they haven't dated enough to determine the type of match best for them, or they need validation from someone who has rejected them. These are circumstances that relationships cannot thrive. They go into relationships way over their heads. Impaired and confused by their insecurities. Which are mainly from the lack of confidence that comes from experience, optimism, and drive. They want perfection and set high expectations for others; but offer very little in return. You're not going to be like that.
Read your post back to yourself; and then sit and think about what you were going through. You were going through the motions; while life was calling-out to you. If more young people listened to that little voice called "reason;" they would do what you have done.
You have to prepare yourself. You have to know yourself, and then you have to plot your own course in life. Finding your purpose and happiness in life is in your hands. You have to follow your calling, and continue to enjoy dating young men; because you still need affection and companionship. It just shouldn't be all you're looking for out of life. We were designed to have all of it, it's just being able to set your priorities, set goals, and have faith that you will succeed. If you make mistakes or failures along your journey, they are to teach and prepare you for your future. Life isn't easy, but it's better when you know what you're doing; and when you know how to live.
Don't second-guess yourself. Fear of the unknown, the sudden realization of freedom, and facing adulthood is supposed to be scary. Girlfriend, I know the feeling!
This is sudden self-awareness. A new consciousness, and heightened-senses; so you are ready to complete your process of becoming a woman. Not just somebody's girlfriend or wife; but a whole and complete person. Set your plans and work toward them.
Warning: Things in life may not always fall into sequence as you may expect; but you've already shown maturity by deciding that you're not just settling for what comes to you. You want to reach-out, and get want you want for yourself. You want it all, and something tells me you've got what it takes to get it.
Welcome to adulthood, my dear!
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