A
male
age
36-40,
*iser
writes:Long Message, any advise on my situation would help:I have been going out with my GF now for 7 months, our age difference is 3 half years, I am at University (working in industry for a year at the mome) she is studying for a-levels). It was great, almost magical, for the first few months, then she kissed an ex whilst clubbing. I took her back. Several months later we split up once again on a break - her choice. I took her back when she came to me. She realized she could have a life (clubbing and guy mates) and be with me. A week later i went to a strip club and she broke up with me. Again i took her back. I have been too nice to her. Roses, chochlates, i want to spend my time with her alot, and i can hold down all my hobbies (i love sports), and i don't feel the need to get pissed every weekend. I ask her to do things with me all the time. She never wants to. Our relationship is usally: 1) TV with her parents, or games with her family 2) Cinema3) Sleeping together 4) Talking if were lucky....We have had an excellent time together, we get on well and have fun. However over the past few months I have become so possessive and depedant on her. I have constant pangs in my stomach and feel insecure constantly. She has alot of 'guy' friends who like her, even some fancy her, i have found out. She also likes clubbing alot! when she goes she likes to dance with other men and grind! I find all this hard to take as i have never had opposite sex friends, personally I believe if u get alcohol mixed in with dance and loud music and another man...something will eventually happen.I have spoken to her how i feel. She told me she understands but doesn't feel insecure about me at all. She said she wants her space and breaks from me, without seeing me constantly. She said she prefers it maybe twice/three times a week if we see each other. We do not have sex regularly, usually once a week and it feels awkward most times. We do not text or call regularly anymore, maybe once a day and even then it can be hard to find something interesting to talk about and yet other times we can talk for hours. I find this hard to take that she never texts that much. In a week or two shes off on a skiing trip. Her ex will be there to. She says she will take the pic of her and me there and will miss me alot. Iam also going away to europe with some male freinds, she got upset about that, thinking i will sleep with other people, she wont stop me going though. I asked her to trust me, as i would never hurt her.When i do tend to back off a bit, she usually does come running to me. She will ring and text alot! Perhaps this is all an evolution in our relationship? The infatuation stage gone...I don't no. I have bought a few books recently, such as how to retrieve a lover etc etc... All relevant advice in these books. However I cannot seem to get over my dependence and insecurities about my GF. I cannot help feeling she doesn't love me and wants other men. However it is clear she cares for me, but she is very changeable. Any advise?
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a break, broke up, clubbing, her ex, insecure, split up, text, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Jiser +, writes (7 February 2007):
Jiser is verified as being by the original poster of the question She feels like she wants space and wants to have best of both worlds. I don't want that at all. But because i want to be with her, I will have to cool of alot more. I will let her do what she wishes, therefore I hope she will respect me more for doing what she asks of me.
You can't love anyone else till you love yourself anyway. I will ring and text less and let her come to me without trying to loose all of my interest in her. She is clearly not ready for what i want, so ill let her do her own thing and if she goes wrong it will be her loss not mine. :)
A
female
reader, depaiva  +, writes (7 February 2007):
 Your relationship is so young (short) and already full of problems.Maybe your insecurities and dependency on her aroused because she's not putting in as much of an effort into the relationship as you are. It sounds like you give more of your time to her and you give her more attention then what she gives to you. Maybe she's not ready for anything serious, like she said she only wants to see you 2 to 3 times a week... She also still wants to go clubbing and have fun with other guys. Why don't you go clubbing with her?It seems she wants you all to herself but she isn't willing to give all of herself to you-which is unfair on your part.You sound like a romantic, nice guy who wants to treat his girl just like a princess-there's millions of girls out there who want just that. She doesn't seem to appreciate that.Is this your first love? It could explain why you want to hold onto to her-you deserve to be happy. Fight for her if you love her because love is such a rare thing but if she's not meeting you half way then there's not much you can do.You need to make her realize that she needs to dedicate herself to you as much as you do to her. You've taken her back so many times and she'll probably continue to take advantage of that. You need to put some boundaries down and you need to find out if you both on the same track. If you want a dedicated girlfriend who enjoys doing things with you and who's willing to see you more then 3 times a week, who puts you before her other guy friends and who wants you to go clubbing with her. And if your girlfriend doesn't want the same thing then it's time you move on.And another thing, making love is one of the most amazing and special things in life. There should be a spiritual connection and it should strengthen your relationship and if it's not doing that then there's something wrong. You say it’s awkward-that's the last thing it should feel like.Take some time to rediscover who you are and what you want, be real with yourself and if you decide to move on be strong. I hope things work out for you in the end, and I hope you find the person who you can experience the kind of ecstasy and rapture love making brings...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): Hi, Well it does sound like a confusing situation. i've been in situations where people are giving mixed signals, in fact i'm in one now. i dont really know what to say, i know that my mistake is not speaking up and saying "im confused can you explain this" and i let it go and then it never moves anywhere. it seems like this woman does want to be with you, however she is enjoying the thrill of other mens attention. i think somehow you need to make her value your attention. try talking more, go out for a meal or do something where you can talk, and get past that stage of awkwardness so you can both feel close. She reminds me a bit of myself a couple of months ago. i had come out of a long relationship, in which i really really really liked someone, then i found out he had been cheating on me, as well as lying and a long list of hurtful things. After that i thought "Why be faithful?" and i got quite rebellious, going out with loads of people, going clubbing etc, im sure this isn't how extreme as your girlfriend, but i couldn't get close to any of the people i was going out with. One in particular was madly likeing me. but i found him so annoying because i wasn't in that stage where i wanted a relationship, so him bugging me got on my nerves. However as you said when you leave off she comes running to you so i am sure she does like you and want this relationship. I don't really know what point i've made, but i think dont try tooooo hard with her. let her know how you feel... maybe let her read your question so she knows your serious about this. Hope i've helped in some way :S. good luck! xxx
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