A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have a controlling Husband trying to prove me wrong and put me down quite often - making jibes at me infront of the kids and not helping out at home generally. I work full time and look after home/ two kids. Etc. I warned him before that i had been to see the consellor as i wsnt happy about this but he didnt take it seriously and thought i as just threatening. Now i have put my foot down told my parents and told him to move out as soon as convenient for him. Problem is that his dad and sis are visitng and he's not tellign them and pretending to be normal and getting me presents etc. We sleep in the same bed but i allow no sex and he is totally desparate telling me all day how much he loves me, he cant live without me and trying to have sex even though i have said clearly i am not emotionally into ths and dont love him - whats the matter with him why cant he get it or is he just keeping me sweet so i dont spill the beans to his family? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 May 2012):
 You arn't separated if you still share a bed...sorry but you just arn't and even the legal system wouldn't take your petition seriously if you were doing this.
He has every right to stay in his home. Under english law you need to be separated for two years (that means living apart) and both agree to divorce (uncontested)before the divorce proceeding can begin. The divorce process itself can take up to 2 years to complete.
If he does contest the split (and looks like he may do this) then you have to be legally separated (and be able to prove it) for five years before the process can begin.
There are quickie divorces but they cost thousands of pounds and you both have to agree to part.
People who seriously want the marriage to end will usually find the means to leave, so if this is what you really want, you need to make your own plan and move out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): Why must HE move out? Whose home is it? Both names on the bond docs?
Why is he acting this way? Well he told you already: he loves you. As stupid as it sounds, its the truth!
(Sorry I have not read your previous post so unaware of your history)
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks do much and I do see what you are saying but due to some legal paperwork to be completed in sept this year, I can't make the matter legal until then. Also we live in a country away from our own so leaving will jeopardise everyone's future until settlement process is complete in sept. he knows that that is the only reason I haven't packed my bags and left. I am highly paid with parents who can also support if push comes to shove so finances won't be a bother. Should I tell his dad and his sis so we can end the pretence? He changed his approach every week being extra nice getting me presents to telling me I am heartless - is he just avoiding conversation with his family and trying desperately to keep me quiet? I'll move in sept but until then this is the only house in an estranged country and moving is risking my job and paperwork.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 I can easily tell you why he's acting the way he's acting. Because he's absolutely right about you. You make empty threats like a toothless lion, and you aren't really interested in his moving out or ending the marriage.
You told him to move out "at his convenience"? You might as well have hung a neon sign on the house saying "I don't really mean it". He's used to empty threats from you, and you're not disappointing him in that area.
You may be thinking, "You're wrong! I've been denying sex to him and telling him that I don't love him". That means nothing. As long as he's actually in that house, he takes you about as seriously as anyone who is angry, crabby, and banking that your mood will change in time, so he's waiting you out.
You can't send him out of a house that both of you own, so the only way, REALLY, for him to get the message is if you put teeth to the threat, get your finances in order, and get a solicitor to start the process. You don't have the ability to throw him out of a house you both own and he knows it. The only other way to show him that you're serious is for YOU to move out.
I think that rather than waste your time making idle and empty threats and thinking that punishing him emotionally with no sex in a world of free and easy sexual stimulation, you should either move out yourself, or start the divorce process. Words and moods are now useless, and he can read you like a book. If you have kids, he knows that they leverage you. If you are financially unable to stand on your own two feet, he knows that too.
That's why he's acting like nothing's wrong, because until you make something wrong, he's planning on you caving, and unless you take actual steps other than telling him to move out (the ultimate empty threat), then you *are* caving.
I'm not being mean. I'm hoping to change your thought process. Controlling people thrive when people who can be controlled are in their lives. And...you're being controlled. Time to stop talking and start acting. Don't wait for *him* to move out. YOU get a solicitor or move out yourself, depending on how much you care about keeping the house.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): He probably doesn't get that your truly serious about this because you are still sharing a bed with him, even though you refuse to have sex with him. I have not known anyone who has seriously broken up with anyone, (including myself and my ex) who continued to share a bed after we had broken up. He thinks he still has a chance of weasling his way back into your heart because you have said he can move out as soon as is convenient for him, which may be never by the sounds of his actions, and sharing a bed with you is leading him to believe that there is hope. If you want him to get it, you need to get him to sleep in another room and give him a specific time frame to be out by, even if that is a couple of months so he can get things organised to have somewhere else to go. If you want him to know your serious, get him to sleep anywhere else than in the bed with you. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 Well hon, if you are so dead-set on getting him out of the house, then you need to seek legal action.
Go and see an attorney for advice.
However, have you never considered marriage counselling? You dont really tell us enough about what is happening in your life so we are unable to give you more positive advice.
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