A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 25 and I recently asked my girlfriend of 4 years to move in with me. She is 28. She told me she needed to think about it for a few days, but when she came back she told me she couldn't decide until she knew for certain whether I want marriage and kids in the future. She has asked me this a few times before, and I genuinely don't know. I feel we are ready to move in together, but I haven't given a lot of thought to anything further than that. So she said she can't move in with me until I can tell her one way or the other. I feel like I'm being blackmailed into promising her things I'm not ready for, and may never be ready for. How did my offer to move the relationship forward, end up with me having to decide my whole future? What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 You asked her to move in but haven't taken the time to consider your future beyond that. It sounds, sadly, as though you aren't really ready to commit. You are prepared to share an address with her but aren't prepared to do the thinking and sorting out your future goals in order to see if that address is a permanent one or more of a furniture storage thing.
If you don't know if you want marriage and kids, and she knows that she does, then it's time for you to let her go.
She has a shorter window, biologically speaking, than you do to have children so it would be selfish of you to keep her in limbo if you don't know if you even want children.
Let her go, if you suddenly realize that you can't live without her and you are on board with having children then you can let her know before she falls in love with the next guy.
Odd that there seems to be a 'she said/he said' thing going on here.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/boyfriend-wants-me-to-move-in-with-him.html
Even odder that the posters don't reply or respond. Sad, really.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): Its different for women. When I met my husband I was 18, and I think I already knew in a few months that I want to be with him. He was 26, and still very hesitant about starting a family. We dated through my college, and after 4 years I expected him to propose. He didn't . I was 22, he was already 30. Still didn't know, was not sure. Mind you he had an excellent job, was making well into 6 figures salary, and I was a new professional with school behind me. 2 more years passed, and he asked me to move in together. I refused. I asked him the same question, why are we just moving in together, do you want ever to have kids, marry, buy a house together? He said, eventually, may be. It was not good enough for me. I started to drift away after this and finally few months later I started dating other people. Him also. Another 3 years forward. I am 26, he is 34. We are both single, still looking for someone special. Meet again at the common friend party, and start dating again. 6 months later he finally proposed, and a year later we got married. I am 28, he is 36. After 10 years he made up his mind of wanting to spend his life with me. If this is how longit will take you, your girlfriend simply has a very slim chance of ever becoming a mother. Previous posters are right, age of bearing children's short for women, and this is something we think of all the time, if we want children. We can't keep on waiting for a guy to make up his mind as we are fertile for a short time, and when we are into our 30s we are playing with fire. A friend of mine is 39. She is a doctor and it took her a long time to become one. She married 6 years ago, and 3 years ago they started try for children. They went through all modern technology to get pregnant and still haven't succeeded. Her husband was talking to my husband last week at the party, and this is all he talked about how regretful he is that they didn't start 6 years ago when they just got married, and how late it is now. Years fly by very fast, people these days are very optimistic and start families very late, that's why we have all these infertility issues. With all that said, if you are not ready you are not ready. But please don't think that your girlfriend is trying to blackmail you into something.She knows what she wants and you are not giving it to her. For her moving in together means only one thing: future family, otherwise it doesn't make sense. Women tend to think if he loved me enough he would want to have family with me and be a mother of his children. And if he hesitates then he doesn't love me.
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female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (3 August 2013):
 This one's got a good head on her shoulders. I think she's a keeper!.I'm not sure how you can be so confident that you want to live with someone indefinitely but not positive that you want to marry her. May I ask what the bold line between the two concepts are in your mind? Is it just the officialness and long-term implications of marriage that scare you?As for the family aspect, do you know if you eventually want a family at all (I mean with any woman)? Or are you not even sure of that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): She's 28 and already spent four years of her life with you, her biological clock will be ticking. If you're not interested in what she wants, be that marriage and/or children then why would she move in and waste her life waiting for something that might not happen. Or she may worry that by the time you do decide what you want it'll be too late for her.You're 25, you must have considered whether you see yourself with her in the future or not? It's not like your 18 or 19 just out for some fun, you've asked her to move in so what next? You could risk losing her if you're not thinking of your future as she might not want to wait around.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 August 2013):
 I think she is right, or at least she is within her rights. many women don't like, and don't see the point of, playing house and happy family when there is not a reasonable chance that you'll end up being a family.
She is not blackmailing you into anything, she simply decided she is not going to live with a man outside of a committed , permanent relationship. What's wrong with that ? Living together is not a wrong thing if people want , - but neither is mandatory or a prerequisite for a relationship. Dating means.... dating, not living together .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): I don't believe that every relationship must end in marriage and kids or it should be terminated so I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to marry her. However the problem is when the other person does want this but you don't. Then it is incompatibility and at some point you should break up. Doesn't have to be today but if neither of you change your polar opposite feelings about how you want to spend your 30's, 40's, 50's and beyond then it is better to go your separate ways than for one of you to compromise and live a life that doesn't suit you. She is just thinking that now may be the decision point. You may be caught off guard thinking that the decision point is still a decade away at least but surely you have known by now that she does want marriage at some point so surely you have always known this relationship isn't going to he permanent.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): My younger brother was in a similar situation. He was 32 and his girl friend 28. They'd been together for 4 years and although the didn't officially life together, she spent most of her time at his place.I think women in general get to an age when they start to see their friends settling down and having kids and realise that time is moving on. It's not such a problem for guys, we can father children at pretty much any age.My brother's girlfriend started to have the same conversations with him as yours is having with you. In the end he told her that marriage and kids wasn't something he'd given much thought to, but he probably wasn't ready just then. That finished the relationship, they split up and she moved out. He regretted it after she'd left and tried to get her back by telling her that he would commit, but it was too late. You need to have very serious think about what you want in life and where you see yourself in five years. It's not an easy or comfortable thing to do, but it sounds like it's time. If you can't see yourself married and having kids you're going to have to let her go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): "I feel like I'm being blackmailed into promising her things I'm not ready for, and may never be ready for. How did my offer to move the relationship forward, end up with me having to decide my whole future? "She's not blackmailing you, she just sees this moving-in-together thing differently from you so she's just asking you for objective information so she can make a decision for herself about whether she wants to do it or not. Nothing wrong with that since you were the one who brought the subject up, not her.I think you both see the idea of moving in very differently and that's the problem. She sees it as something that's a huge step forward, like getting engaged or something, and thus she doesn't want to do it unless she is sure it guarantees her ultimate goal which is marriage/kids. If it doesn't guarantee that, then she wants to stay more detached like how things are. It doesn't necessarily mean she wants to break up, just that she wants to stay at this current level for now and not live together that's all.But you see moving in together as just *another* thing, not necessarily a HUGE step forward. that's why to you it's not a big deal to live together without it having any further meaning than that.there's also the all-too-common problem of her biological clock. You have the rest of your life to decide if you want to get married and procreate with your spouse. she has only a few more years to do due to the woman's biological clock (if she were to be more comfortable with variations on the marriage/kids theme such as adoption or having kids out of wedlock, then she would have a lot more options and freedom but looks like she is set on only one path.)Just be totally honest with her that you just don't know if you will be ready or when, since she has been honest with you. Tell her that as of today you are not sure about marriage and kids. it is entirely up to her if she wants to take that as a "no" or not. It's up to her how she wants to view your answer in her terms. You don't want to be blackmailed, right? In the same vein, don't manipulate her either. Don't be dishonest if you think that the honest truth will bring consequences. If it does, it's for the best. again, she isn't blackmailing you, she is asking for honest information from you so that she can make her own decision. She has a right to decide if she wants to stay with you based on whether she can achieve her future goal of marriage/kids or not. You do not "have" to continue this relationship forever if both of you don't have compatible futures.Just don't let her coerce you into saying either "yes" or "no" because if neither is how you feel, then saying either is not being honest and it doesn't hold water for the future. But again, if she demands that you give a yes/no answer today, then your "don't know" is closer to a "no" than a "yes" because a "yes" requires 100% enthusiasm to be a sound and ethical answer. Any wavering should therefore default to a "no" if someone is really pressuring you to give a black and white answer today. FWIW, when you've been together for several years, I don't think it's fair to expect that you *should* want marriage + kids. I can understand if she would naturally feel entitled to expect this will happen, but I do not think you are required to go to marriage/kids just because you've been with her for a long time. You are also entitled to what you want from a relationship. Many people want to forever be partners but no kids. Or partners but no marriage, and that's valid, dont' let her or anyone shame or guilt you into feeling that you're wrong to be dating her so long without leading to marriage. It's only wrong if you have been misleading her. It's not your fault if she assumes that 4 years of dating = intention to get married. There has to be communication on this issue. The important thing is to be honest about what it is you want so that she can decide for herself whether to stay with you and vice versa. Dont' be like my (male) friends who got pressured and guilted into marriage/kids by their girlfriends. These men have had to make their peace with now being married and being fathers. But there's always this underlying sadness in the background when your life is just something you've made peace with and not something you actually fully embrace.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 August 2013):
 She's actually being smart, and if you're not wanting the same thing she wants, better to know that before you two move in together. I agree with the others, if you're still not sure after 4 years, then she's wasting her time and yours.
Listen, moving in together is NOT moving the relationship forward. She's one of the few extremely intelligent women who understand what all women should understand, that DOMESTICITY does not and will never equal COMMITMENT.
You want the perks that commitment brings without the commitment, and she saw right through you. I'm not coming down on you, it just exposed a serious compatibility issue. There are other women out there who are just as reticent about marriage as you and would love the domesticity without the commitment as well.
Don't make any promises to her, and don't move in with her. Moving in is never ever "moving the relationship forward". It's simply "moving in". Many people do it planning toward moving the relationship forward (i.e. saving for marriage/wedding or making a mutual decision to live under common law as a domestic partnership), or they do it for mutual convenience (i.e. they had a kid together or are also college mates or they seem to be ending up at each other's house anyways and want to save money and gas).
What you did is the equivalent of responding to her saying "I love you" with "That means a lot". If you're not sure after 4 years, then what are you doing? You're either not sure about her, or you are a commitment-phobe.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): You feel you're being blackmailed. Really?? After 4 years of being with someone why ask them to move in without any future plans. I don't know if I can honestly believe you haven't thought about how living together will affect both your lives. She's thinking ahead and you should too. For you to be on here asking means you don't intend building a future with her; perhaps because of your age differences. She's thinking of settling down - marriage and kids. You're probably not there yet. Seems to me you're about to define your relationship for your girlfriend. It will be good for her to move on now if after 4 years you have different future plans. MHO
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): "I feel WE are ready to move in together, but I haven't given a lot of thought to anything further than that."
YOU are ready to move in together. She obviously is not.
"I feel like I'm being blackmailed into promising her things I'm not ready for, and may never be ready for."
Is she threatening to leave you? From what you've shared, she has not played a guilt card or any emotional blackmail, or even what you're suggesting - making promises you don't know you can keep.
Come on. You're 25. Think. Why do you want her to move in? Why do you FEEL it's time? Put more thought into.
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female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (2 August 2013):
 If you already spent 4 years with her and you still don't know that you want to be with her for the rest of your life, moving in together is the wrong thing to do.
Ask yourself, what more can you find out, if you already know the person for 4 years.
You are being selfish for wasting her time, and she is being stupid for letting you. Sorry for harsh words, but people don't need that many years to know whether they want to be together and create a family.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 "I feel we are ready to move in together, but I haven't given a lot of thought to anything further than that"
Then give it a thought. Seems obvious. Why do you need to postpone your future? Why not ask yourself the questions she's asking you? Where are you headed in life? What do you want? It's not an unfair question for a partner to ask. If she moves in with you now, and you have no idea what you want, then that's the same as her saying she doesn't care what will happen. But she does care! It's her life too you know, not just yours, that will be affected here. She clearly knows what she wants. If she was on the fence, like you are, then she'd probably not care at all, and move in with you. If she was 18, and wasn't giving the future much thought, then sure, she'd move in with you without these questions.
But she's 28, she's a mature woman who knows what she wants, and who isn't going to throw her life away at a "maybe, maybe not". You wanting to move in with her is a good thing, it shows you want to take things to the next level. But then what? She's an adult, as are you. You should be capable of thinking ahead, and see where this is going. She wants to know you are headed somewhere, and she thought that you'd have at least given it a minute to think about it before you asked her to move in.
What do you want in the future? It's not that difficult to answer, it's just that you haven't stopped to actually think about it. You can start by eliminating what you do NOT want, and then see what you are left with.
She doesn't want to force you to make promises or anything. But she wants to know where you stand, and that's a fair thing to want. If you're still undecided, after 4 years, about whether or not you want to seal the deal and marry her, then perhaps moving in together isn't the right thing to do. It may seem that she thinks it would be a bad idea. So until you figure it out, she thinks it is best you do not live together.
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female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (2 August 2013):
My advice then is not to move in together. Moving in together is for people who believe they are considering marrying already, but just not at that step yet. If you are not sure, don't do it. She will keep pressuring you when some time passes by and it will ruin your relationship.
My understanding is that when a guy meets the right girl, he knows what he wants from day one. And if he doesn't know, no amount of time together (living or just dating) will ever change his feelings.
Don't move in.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): Did you tell her actually, I don't know? If you did, than you did the right thing, because you told her the truth, because you don't know what you want. Based on that she needs to make her decision.
After 4 years people pretty much know what they want from each other. They pretty much know if this person is right for them or wrong.
Your girlfriend is actually being very smart. At her age she is pushing a line where people do start to get married and have children. May be you don't realize it, but female age is short. After 35 though many women have no problem getting pregnant, but many do start having fertility issues. Your girlfriend being 28 and not even engaged yet, probably thinkin if she can. ,make it, by the time her fertility age is over.
You are younger, 25 for a guy is very early these days to have a family, though many do. She knows that. She knows that probably you want another 5 years of ,thinking, what you want in life. She on a other hand sounds like she already knows what she wants. If she waits for you another 5 years to make up your mind and then wait for a wedding, she might be catching the last train.
Situations like that I know plenty with my single and married girlfriends, who are now in their late 30 s , early 40s and have no children. They like your girlfriend met someone in their 20s, lived with a guy for several years until the moment he said he met someone new or he doesn't want children. Time was lost. By the time they met someone else, married, it was too late for kids.
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (2 August 2013):
 It may seem like she's asking a lot and putting pressure on you, but I think it's fair enough. Moving in together is a big step for a lot of people and it's good to know that you're on the same page. If she wants children and you say you don't know, she is taking a gamble by staying with you because you might turn around in 5 years' time and say that you don't want those things, and then she will have given you her best (i.e. her most fertile) years and be left alone, needing to start over in her mid-30s.
If you don't know, that's also fair enough. You shouldn't have to make massive decisions overnight, but it's not like it's the first time she's asked you. If you're umming and ahhing about it then you have to be prepared that the relationship might end because to be truly happy, she might need to have children and a husband, and if you can't give her that, then someone else can.
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