A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for 3 months. Everything was going really well until I commited the ultimate girl mistake in a new relationship: I asked where this was all headed....surprisingly he was very calm (i could tell he was annoyed but was willing to have this conversation) he told me that everything between us was great, we have great chemistry and he really likes me and that i should just enjoy what we have and let time show us were this would go...i accepted the answer and i saw him again 2 days later @ which point i made a second huge girl mistake by trying to make plans for the weekend, @ that point he was clearly annoyed and said I was being too demanding. By the end of the night he said that despite our differences he wasn't going to stop seeing me. It's been 2 days since that night and i haven't heard from him AT ALL, no calls or texts (he would text me everyday) and I'm panicking! i don't know what to do...my head is saying give him time and space but my heart is saying "let him know u acknowledge and recognize u made a mistake"...So what do I do? do i give him time and space and not reach out to him until (if he does) he makes the first move? should I text him just to let him know i'm still here and thinking about him? how many days of no-communication should i let go by before reachin out to him (he has stuff of mine @ his place and i have some stuff of his too so even if it's over, at some point we'll need to get each others stuff back)? and After how many days of no-communication should i assume that it's over?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): To respond to anons response - A year is much too long to wait to find out where your relationship is going. The three month mark is quite the right time to discuss the next step. The response he gave you shows he's not as 'into you' as you are into him. I hope you haven't slept with him. If you have, its time to cut that off, do not sleep with men unless they've said I love you and you are in a serious monogamous and committed relationship. It spares you heartbreak, it prevents guys who just want to have sex from dating you too long (they'll disappear quickly if they don't get what they won't) and it allows you to find the guy for you quicker (you're not stuck in pointless 3 month 'relationships' like this over and over again). I don't think you made a mistake at all. I think he isn't the guy for you. wanting to continue dating you 'despite your differences' is just a way of saying, " I don't want to be in a true relationship with you, but I still want to sleep with you". I think your worth more than this, no?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): "Everything was going really well until I commited the ultimate girl mistake in a new relationship: I asked where this was all headed...."
Actually OP the biggest "girl mistake" is not asking that question. I once strung along a girl for 18 months because she never asked that, she was in love with me the whole time and was too scared to ask that because I didn't want to commit to her. She got very, very hurt when after 9 months she finally asked and I told her I didn't see her as a girlfriend. You didn't do anything wrong at all OP, you just had 'the talk' and he gave you your answer. For the moment he doesn't see anything with you except this casual dating thing.
Look that's not to say he won't ever but right now he doesn't but chances are low, if he was going to have feelings for you he'd know by now.
The thing with it is this though OP, it seems you're ready to take the next step and make it official otherwise you wouldn't have asked him that. So your reaction is understandable the pacing of this is not going how you would like it and that's fair enough. While 3 months can be considered short I consider it plenty of time to know whether you want to be in a relationship, the fact he can't even give you an answer about that means he definitely doesn't see you as girlfriend material right now and to me that's not a great sign. He'd at least know if that was going to happen and be able to tell you that it will but just not now.
OP you have to understand one thing, and that's this: If you're ready to take the next step and he's not then that's not good. It means you have very strong feelings for this guy already and he doesn't have the same. Now I think one of the previous posters suggestions of waiting a year is not a good idea, if he doesn't have feelings for you now, if he doesn't see you as girlfriend material now then it's not going to happen so waiting and hoping is pointless.
Look OP decide how you feel now and where *you* want to go with this, then wait a week or two and let him contact you first. The ball is in his court now and he needs to decide what he wants. Give it some time, give him a taste of life without you texting and calling him and see if missing you is something that happens.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 September 2012):
 I don't think you did anything wrong either. I think you, after 3 months, had every right to have the "where are we going?" conversation.
The problem was that he was not man enough to give you the answer in words... his actions are telling you where you are going with this man which is NOWHERE.
You asked where you were going in the relationship, up until then he was blithely going along having a lovely time not wanting to think about the future...You MADE him think about the future which at your age after three months is reasonable.
Two days later when you saw him and tried to plan for the weekend pushed him a bit harder.. he was not ready.
Now here's the key... he may REALLY be ready but he's got to find that himself. AND you should WAIT for him to contact you.
Assume that after two weeks of no contact that he's not interested in anything serious... and unless the stuff you have at his place is irreplaceable... let it go. If he contacts you for the "key exchange" as I call it.... meet somewhere between your two places... bring his stuff and he brings yours...
Part as adults... wish him well and know that he was just not the right guy at the right time.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 September 2012):
Actually, you did nothing wrong. This isn't an entirely new relationship - it's one that's 3 months old, and I always think that at about 3 months, people should have a clearer idea of where a relationship is heading. He might not say 'I love you', but he should know whether he wants to keep seeing you or not. Unfortunataly his reaction doens't fill me with confidence that he has the understanding and maturity to deal with a longer term relationship. His reaction suggests that either he's pretty emotinally backwards, or that he's only there for the fun and not the long term.
I also don't understand why he was annoyed. There was no reason for him to be - unless of course, he's only interested in the fun.
Then there was his bizarre comment at the end of the evening - he'll keep seeing you despite your differences? Meaning what? That you're just someone he wants to see until someone else comes along? Or that you're second best and he's just waiting for someone with whom he has more in common? That comment was actually the nail in the coffin really.
And then there's the no contact for a few days, and the fact that you wanted to do something and he suddenly didn't.
I suppose the most worrying thing in your post is that you think you did something wrong. No you didn't. In fact, you did exactly what I wish more people would do. You sat down and tried to have a conversation about where your relationship was going. A very mature, and smart thing to do. Nothing wrong with that at all.
Sadly, what you've probably found out is that this guy isn't the guy for you.
I think the best thing for you to do is contact him asking to see him for a drink or something, and see whether he responds. Personally, I would already say that you've been given enough signs that he's not really in this for the long term, but since you need to get your stuff back you'll need to have a conversation anyway.
You did nothing wrong at all. You did everything right. All that happened was that you found out he's not all that emotionally great, and that perhaps you're just being kept around by him for the fun.
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A
female
reader, Angelina73  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 I am experiencing something similar. Every time you show a sign of wanting some sort of commitment, these men seem to scurry off into hiding. I know it is very very hard, but in times like these, perhaps it is best to go and look elsewhere. Frankly, I think that is what they expected us to Do! It just seems so disappointing when you think you finally got it right when it all turns out to be a big show and the actors here have been wrongly cast. Maybe it is God's way of telling us that this is not the life we ought to lead and there is a good reason why that is so. Hence, rather than crying over split milk, it is better to move on, the sooner the better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): Well when guys things girls are moving a bit too fast they take a step back..now each guy has their own definition of 'moving fast'..may be to this guy it was you thinking about future and making plans weekends..
I think you wait for another 2 days give him some time then send him a text 'hey how you doin?I haven't herd from you for the past 4 days,so just though I would check on you..and about those things we talked,you don't have to worry about it,it was just a phase,it wouldn't happen again',what we have is amazing and that's all I want for 'us' to be happy so I don't want these petty issues to come in between us'..take care..
See what he says and as you said everything was going great so let it go that way,give it a year!!get to know each other,don't rush!
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