A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy for a little over a year now and everything seemed to be going well and the relationship was definitely progressing. Because we're long distance however we don't see each other as much as we'd like (but up until this point we have definitely seen each other in person for quite often). I feel like we click mentally, emotionally, and physically (no sex though only because I said I'd need us to be exclusive first).We've talked about moving closer to each other in the future. The thing is early on we realized the distance would be an issue and he had only recently started dating again after his LTR ended. He said he didn't want to rush things so he'd need time for us to see each other more and told me we should also talk and date others as well (because we're 3000 miles away. Maybe this was a red flag I ignored?) I agreed, but as far as I knew, we had each briefly seen others and nothing happened there. All the meanwhile we were talking to each other daily and still flying out consistently to see each other. I saw this as a good sign.Up until now (15 months) I never asked about our relationship status because I felt like I didn't need a title when things are going well on their own. About 5 months ago though, I noticed a new woman in his life that seemingly appeared to be more than a friend. I thought nothing of it because I didn't have any proof or reason to believe anything. I ignored it but now I keep seeing them get closer and closer. Now my intuition was really kicking in.The other day I finally decided to ask about what he thought about us (this was a text conversation). I also very casually asked if he's been seeing or talking to anyone. He said he'd been on a few dates with someone but nothing got serious because they realized they were 2 totally different people. As this conversation progressed he told me for now he can't call me his girlfriend because we live so far away and he needs to see me more. He also said "who knows what would happen when I see you next." I don't know what he meant but I just agreed with him and I said I feel like we should see each other more as well and I always felt like this but didnt know if he did as well and I thanked him for clarifying. He responded "why don't we keep it simple and just call it a friendship?" (What?! Where did that come from??) Things still seemed ok but then he kept asking if I'm still seeing other people because he doesn't want me attached to him (?!) I haven't been seeing anyone and I told him he shouldn't panic about that. I just mentioned that I would hope he'd let me know if he ever has a change of heart with me and he said he would and said right now he's not talking to/seeing anyone else. Later it came out he is talking to someone, and for now we should be friends. Then his story kept changing. We're just friends for now until we decide, there are other people, there arent, blah blah blah. I was taken aback and felt like I was now a second option and felt like he was hiding it from me. I stayed calm but asked questions, he got defensive, now saying he NEVER lead me on (what!!!! He did and has been!) I retaliated and things escalated on both ends. He ended up saying he's tired of this conversation and suggested not even being friends at all. I said fine.I'm so caught off guard now and truly truly devastated and heartbroken. I don't know if my questions ticked him off or he panicked that I was catching on to something he may have been lying about/hiding from me. What do you guys think? It's been 3 days and I have no intention of contacting him. Should I just say good riddance? Will he return? I can't believe this happened :( not sure what to make of it but I really thought we were on good terms. Now I'm beyond confused. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 March 2013):
 OP thank you for the detailed follow up
yeah I can say based on what you listed in the follow up I'd be confused and felt led on too.
I still think that "walking away a winner" is the way to go with him.
He may have had very deep feelings for you at one time but now he's not quite there....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the great answers and advice so far. In an effort to condense it, I left out some details that may have provided more insight into how we were when around each other:- We met on an online dating site and hit it off immediately. We talked daily via lengthy phone calls, e-mails, text, Skype etc. for a month before he flew here to see me (his idea). Even until this last conversation we had, he has initiated contact about 90% of the time over the duration of this relationship.-When he came here the first time to visit everything worked out surprisingly well. No awkwardness, no moments of silence, everything was just great. There was some flirting, lingering touches, etc. but nothing past that. Just the right amount of everything for me at that point. -He deleted his profile on the dating site right after he saw me (still to this day not back on it). Mine I deleted a few months later but he knew and he knew I wasn't dating anyone.-Once he went home, we did start talking about seriously dating each other. He said since his last relationship of 5 years went really sour and put him in a funk (he'd mentioned it before seeing me as well), he's hesitant about entering a serious relationship too soon. He told me if I'm looking to be serious with someone at this moment, that I'm free to date others in my area and he doesn't want me to wait around on him because he wants to takes thing super slow.He said the attraction with me was there and he wants to continue seeing me so we can decide, but I have to realize considering the distance, this will go slow. I felt like this was sincere. -He kept getting more and more serious with me through his talk and his actions. He also many times revealed he's not talking to anyone but me (I took it with a grain of salt) I was wondering why he won't put a title on it but I kept saying things will work out on their own. It was almost as if he wouldn't SAY he's in a relationship but he's totally in one with me. -He gets one week off from work every other month and all of those vacation weeks were spent with me. -I'm applying to graduate school and from day one he knew I applied to many in his city and other neighboring cities (not for him, I've always wanted to move to his city before even ever knowing him). So this is how we planned to be in the same area soon. -We have met each others friends and families, gone on vacation together, have just about everything in common (it's almost frightening), all conversations are kept personal, and our dates are always the best (contrary to what it sounds like he's not wealthy at all. That's why sometimes I feel like he is being serious with me because he's putting a lot of time, money and effort into our dates and to come visit me. I also do the same with him and I too am middle class at best). - He kept saying he's not seeing anyone else, but then this woman I keep seeing on various social media outlets started giving me doubts. So I casually asked what's up (never referenced her or anything). This mumbo jumbo/blow up fight he fed me the other day was in response to just me asking about our status. -We were not having sex but he's very affectionate publicly and privately, there's a lot of "fooling around," etc. We've discussed having sex but I told him I really need to be exclusive and know where this is headed. He always said it's fine and that we just need to see each other more so we can really decide.Fast forward now to after all of this happening and I'm still left in the dark. I asked about it and got this kind of answer. This is why I'm so shocked, hurt, and confused. At the end of the day, I still feel like he played me, but I just wanted to provide some insight as to why I got mad when he said "I don't think I ever lead you on." Very immature on his part to say the least.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2013):
I think that good riddance is the safest move for you two.
LDRs are hard.. 3000 miles apart. How did you two even afford it? I would be living in the freaking airport...
You were never exclusive
you were never sexual
I know you are saying he led you on and he doesn't agree and I have to say based on what I read I don't see anywhere that you two talked of being exclusive or a couple. maybe I missed it.
LDRs are hard and the entire goal from day one needs to be "how do we make this NOT LDR" that was never the goal for you two.
I'm sorry OP
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 March 2013):
 This was his way of wriggling out of the situation when he was caught on the wrong foot. He didnt know what else to say because there was nothing that he *could* say to save his ass. So what's the next best thing? "Lets not even be friends or talk anymore".
I think you should most definitely say good riddance OP. This guy seemed shady from the beginning and he was just stringing you along. Is that really what you want?
Will he return? Well that's highly unlikely. He's not getting anything from you, and by anything I mean sex. You're 3000 miles away and its been a difficult LDR. He might get in touch if he's bored but that would just about be the only reason.
Dont even think of getting back with him OP. You're better off without him and without all the complications that your "relationship" brought along.
Dont feel bad OP, this might just be one of the best things that's happened to you because you've gotten rid of someone who so wasnt worth your time. Focus on yourself and celebrate on being single for now. All the best!!
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (26 March 2013):
Long distance romance is always very difficult but most hurtful when you are told You are just friends. No way contact him if he wants to contact you he will.I think it might be a good idea to see other men and live and enjoy your life.If he calls adgree with him to be friends and see how he reacts.But i would think in a very Posiive way about a fresh start.Best Luck Nora B.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): Damn, well that's a kick in the teeth anyway. But you know what OP in the long run it's for the best.
You wanted to know where you stand and now you do. Look your heart is going to plead with you not to give up hope but your head knows there is none. Listen to your head here.
This sucks major balls OP but at leats you know where you stand. If you feel you need true closure then officially end all contact with him.
I think you know deep down that friends is never going to be enough for you with this guy and will only make the healing process harder.
Best of luck OP, you're in for a painful couple of weeks. But seriously, enough games. You've put up with his hot and cold bullshit for too long and sacrificed too much on him already.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (26 March 2013):
 It sounds like you two had a special friendship, but not a boyfriend girlfriend thing. By wanting to date other girls, this should have been the clue that you weren't going to be anything more.You've done the right thing by asking him to clarify things. You feel terrible now, but at least you know exactly where you stand now and can look forward to meeting other people yourself.If you think keeping in touch with him will be nice, then by all means do it, but maybe you should have a cooling off period so you can get used to life without him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2013):
 I think, he realized he wasn't capable of keeping a platonic relationship long distance and that is why he opted for the "friendship" thing, he thought that might soften the "blow".
I think ended it for good is the best thing for you. You want more, he doesn't. Not with you anyways. He wants someone RIGHT not and REAL close.
Long distance Relationships are not for everyone, they take a lot more work then most people consider.
My guess is you should have ended it when he wanted to "date" others. If he had been SERIOUS about you (no matter the distance) he wouldn't have thought of wanting to date others.
I think you did the right thing in asking him where you stood. Because, now you know.
I'm sorry :(
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