A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a decent girl. 19 years old, never skipped a day of school, never had a grade bellow B-, never drank, smoked nor did drugs, rarely go out partying. Of course, I'm a teenager girl AND a college student, so sometimes (mainly in Summer) I spend the night outside. But when I do, I spend it playing cards with my friends or just talking on a park bench.Still, my family doesn't allow me to do anything.If I call my dad informing that I'm going to spend the night at a friend's house, he'll blow everything out of proportion, then tell my aunts who'll treat me like if I spent the night doing drugs or something.Mentioning something like spending a week camping with friends, or going to a weekend away with my long-term 26yoboyfriend (who my family knows and likes) is almost sacrilegious!Not to mention the mind games. There isn't a week where I don't have to deal with someone playing the victim or a silent treatment. Things like "well, it's your choice, you know what you want to do" with a sad/disappointed face or "you never want to listen to me, I don't even know why I still bother" are my daily meals.I'm tired of being excited for something, then just backing off after hearing my family's opinion. There have been situations where I have my mind set to a certain event (like a house party, where I'll have my loving boyfriend -who also doesn't drink nor smoke- with me), then mentioning it to my family and hearing comments like "it's not right for a girl to stay out so late" or "well, it's your choice" followed by a week of passive mistreating and silent treatment.I understand that I live in my dad's house and should be respectful, BUT I don't see how acting more or less like a girl my age can be disrespectful! I don't see how being independent and having fun while being safe and responsible can be disrespectful.So, I'd really like to know what can I do to make a choice AND have the guts to stick to it. Should I just ignore their judgement and their passive-aggressive behavior until they learn how to deal with my choices?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): Honestly, yes, you should just ignore your families comments, as it sounds almost impossible to please them, they need to accept you are your own person and if they simply refuse to accept this, there's little you can do, family can be so stubborn sometimes.
Though first if I were you, I would show them this post, or sit down at some point and basically tell them what you've told us, I think your post sounded very reasonable and well headed.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 March 2013):
 It's quite a "Catch-22" that you "sound" like a great daughter.... smart and responsible.... and/but your "family" chooses to give you feedback/advice/comments about your activities, which comments would be more appropriate if you were a criminal/drug-user or gang member.....
Stick with the responsible you. Talk to your folks if and when you can... and explain to them that their behaviour is inappropriate for you... and would they consider to adjust it in light of who you are and how you behave..... See if there aren't a few things that you can do to re-assure them just how responsible you are.... say, by calling them whilest you are out late... and/or trying to arrange your overnights as far in advance as you can...
The others with whom you hang out.... are their parents friends/acquaintances with your folks? If "no," is it possible that the parents could be introduced... .so that they know one-another, as well as their kids.... and can RELAX that what is going on in your life is all on the up-and-up?????
I hope you and your folks can reconcile this before - and so that it doesn't - lead to a rift between you.. wherein you feel marginalized and umimportant.....
If I had a daughter like you....I'd say my prayers and thank the Good Lord for you....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): OP, you would do the same (that is, show concern) if you had a 19-year-old daughter. All of these show that they care about you. Most times, people advice those they genuinely love. Next time, respectfully tell them that you are not going to do anything bad out there. The truth is, as long as you are under them, you have to stick to their rules. Maybe they are not getting the message across to you the right way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): live your own life OP and take their opinions under advisement but don't let them stop you doing something you know you'll be okay doing. Simple as that.
The only thing you have to worry about is breaking their rules. Just don't do that and you'll be fine. Don't take their judgement seriously OP, they're just parents who aren't very good at expressing themselves, OP there are plenty of people like that. I'm sure they're not intentionally trying to wrong you, some people are just shit at expressing their opinions without sounding judgemental. I highly doubt they want you to be unhappy and always feel uncomfortable around them. You need to grow a bit of backbone OP and do your own thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): Just go. Let them say what they will, they already make you feel bad even when you dont go. My point is you are going to hear it either way so, just have fun. It was like that for me at 17,18; and I was treated pretty bad, considering everything I did for everyone else. I've worked since I was twelve and didnt really get paid for it, took other side jobs, helped my mom with finances, ran my moms friends company (quite literally everything but driving and the paper work from 13-18; not including going to highschool.) They both treated me like dirt; and godforbid if I had plans... I moved out at 19 and am now married lol. (Im 24) Things have changed quite alot. Tables have turned and I am not stressed like I used to be. But the best thing out of all of this is they now have only themselves to blame- their actions are a result of where they are now- no more blaming things on me when I had no control over it in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2013):
 I have to ask if this is due to cultural issues or religious issues? Because those would "almost" make sense.
Now if it is neither, then I don't get it either and I'm sorry you feel that way about your family.
Maybe it's time to consider moving out on your own, be your own person?
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