A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had a boyfriend for around 4 years I met him in high school and we became friends. However, our relationship as boyfriend-girlfriend was underground (very few people know about us going on for the first months) The main reason is my parents do not like him. At the time we started going out he did not have a job and was not attending school. As time passed by I encourage him to get a job and he did, however school was another deal. I am about to finish my major and I have a job related to my career. All four years of college I had a part time job and since I got a scholarship I had to keep up with my grades. Last summer a friend and I had the chance to do an internship out of state for about a month. During my far away from home stay I did miss my boyfriend and we would talked on the phone or text, we were in touch. He is a real good boy. We barely had problems during our relationship in terms of jealousy or fights. However I met someone and I cheated on my boyfriend with this someone. I had sex with this "new guy". This "new guy" is way older than me for around 10-12 yrs older. He is illegal, has a 6yr old kid and he is no longer with the kid's mom for about 2 years ago. I did like a lot this guy. And stupidly I thought I could get away with it, I thought that what happened was a one night stand and that, that was it. However, we have been texting and he's been calling me. When I came back home I couldn't live with the guilty feelings so I broke up with my boyfriend. The main reasons I give to him was that I did not want to be in a secret realtionship no more. Which was true I was sick and tired of always making excuses to my parents to get to see him. He is still working and he is still looking for a major in school or to get 6month certificate on something.However on december the "new guy" and I stop talking like before. We now barely talk. and I was seriously thinking about moving to that state in which he lives to start a new life. You know I am about to finish school and I know I can get a job easily in that city. I was also planning on helping him get the papers for him. The "new guy" is a good person, at least the little I know about him. I do miss my boyfriend and when we broke up, weeks after he looked for me and we were set up as friends. I really love and appreciate him a lot. I would really like to go back to him, but he really needs to get school going or something. Also, I really regret of what I did and I have felt really bad with myself for what I did. I have been sad but I could not tell him what I did. He really loves me and I think that he may forgive me but I am not willing to get a chnace. We broke up in August and since then we have been going out as friends but sometimes it ends up in sex.Now that I am single it is weird for me because it has been a really long time since I was single. So now when I go out with my friends I can go out with anyone. And to be honest, I dont know why but I have been wanting to be with someone else. My boyfriend was my first boy I'vee been with. And this new guy I met was my second. Now that I am by myself I do not what to do. Sometimes I really miss my boyfriend even thought I know I can get to see him and hang out with him but it is not as it used to be when we were a couple. I really regret of cheating on him and I will not do it again EVER!! It is the worst feeling ever and HE DOES NOT DESERVE THAT.On the other hand, I've been thinking about moving out with the new guy in that state and start a new life but I am very unsure about this.I know I made a wrong decisions and now I feel really lost, sad and confused PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.I am young and I do not want to ruin my life with a dumb choice.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 I think you are quite simply afraid of being alone, hence why you are entertaining 2 VERY DUMB ideas.
Dumb idea number 1: Getting back with your ex.
The main issue you had there was it being a secret relationship, and your parents not liking him. That would not change if you got back together, it would still be the exact same. So you would basically be going back in time, like groundhog day - still stuck in a relationship that isnt working and one that doesnt make either of you happy. The fact that you cheated says it all - you dont love him enough to resist other men, and when someone cheats it is a clear indicator that they are not happy and want to get out, but they are too weak to just end it without doing something as awful as cheating. You claim you wouldnt do it again, but how can you be sure? If you got back together, it would still be a secret, he still wont be in school so you would still be unhappy, hence why if a nice looking guy came along and showed interest in you I'd bet a lot of money that you would do the same thing again.
Even more dumb idea number 2: Moving to a new state to be with a man you dont know, and dont speak to anymore.
I dont know where to start with this, it is perhaps the worst idea I have ever heard! You hardly talk to this man anymore, he has more than likely moved on and from what you have said in this post he has never expressed an interest in being with you, or having you move to be with him. It sounds like a typical fling, a bit of fun that fades out with time because at the end of the day you know nothing about each other and neither of you have any intentions of putting the effort in to get to know each other better.
So you dont even speak anymore, and then add to the mix he is illegally living in the USA so could get deported at any time. Imagine moving to be with someone and then him getting sent back to his own country? Plus he has a child so that makes life very complicated - and have you considered that with the age difference he may not want anymore kids now? Chances are you are too young for him anyway, he wont want to be dealing with a young girl - he has been there, done that and bought the t-shirt, he doesnt need to be spending time with youngsters anymore - he has a child for that! Things with his ex might be complicated, so again its not really worth the risk. And to top it all off - you hardly know each other! You cant move to be with someone you dont know, he could be any number of things and chances are he is totally unsuitable for you.
You would be leaving behind your friends and family all on a hunch that you had one wild night of passion with an illegal immigrant - I bet he's not exactly going to be a winner with your parents either! You will just go from one bad relationship to another, and be equally unhappy with this new guy but the only difference is you are in a new state where you dont know anyone, so you would be very lonely too.
What should you do now? CALM DOWN!! Stop thinking about men and stop wanting to be in a relationship with anything that moves, just through fear of being alone. You have admitted yourself, you have only had 1 boyfriend and only had sex with 2 men, and you would quite like to experience something new.
So the best thing that you can do is be single for a minimum of 6 months (ideally 1 year or more) to get used to being single, get used to being alone again and get used to being happy without men. You have grown up being part of a couple, so you have never had a chance to really get to know the 'adult' you - you need to take time out to be alone to really get to know yourself, figure out exactly what you want from life and what you want from a relationship. Dont make the mistake of bouncing from 1 relationship to the next, and dont make the mistake of running back to the ex who isnt right for you, just through fear.
Being alone for a few months will do wonders for you, it will give you so much perspective on life and it will really focus your mind ready for when the right guy comes along. Neither of these 2 men are right for you, so take time out and let yourself get over your ex first. Rushing back into guys and dating will mean you just take your baggage from your previous relationship with you into your next one.
4 years is a long time to be with someone and of course you are going to miss him, that is natural - but missing someone doesnt mean they are right for you long term. You would miss anyone that has been in your life for 4 years, because they become the norm, the familiar - and you rely on them for everything. That is not love though, and that is not the sign of a good relationship - that is just familiarity.
Spend more time with friends and family, pick up some new hobbies or go back to old ones you used to enjoy. Volunteer for a charity and do something worthwhile - fill your life with great things that make you happy, and enjoy the feeling of being able to be completely selfish - you dont have to consider anyone else when you are single and that is very liberating. Once you are 100% happy being alone, when you enjoy your own company and feel you know exactly who you are as an individual - that is when you are ready for a new relationship. A good bit of wisdom is this - how can you expect someone else to make you happy, when you cannot make yourself happy? How can you expect someone else to love you, when you do not love yourself?
You sound like a very confused young woman who has never been alone with her adult self, you only rememeber the teenager that got with her boyfriend 4 years ago and she is unsure of who this adult version actually is. You are itching to find out what single life is like, but fear of being alone and fear of missing out on relationships is holding you back. But there are millions of men out there, and you have all the time in the world to meet someone and settle down - but now is the only chance you are going to get to be young, free and single. You are only young once, you wont get this chance again - be alone for as long as you can and go on a journey of self discovery, you will be amazed at how it changes you.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 January 2013):
Moving to another state to be with a guy you had a fling with sounds like a pretty bad idea.
Also, I don't mean to be a downer but it's not as easy to get a good job out of college then a lot of people think. That's not always the case but it frequently is. I'm saying this because it's a good idea to have people you can depend on nearby in case things don't work out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): You sound conscientious, but confused. You pointed out that fact that you haven't been single for a long time. I think you might longing to be part of a couple because you think that might make you feel better.
Personally,I don't think it will...I think you've just got to go through the experience of being alone for a while and figuring out who you are and what you care about solo. Neither of these guys will give you that sort of self-security and inner direction.
If you loved your ex, you made a mistake, and you've left him because of it, be a grown up about it and learn from the fall out. You won't be able to go back to him unless you're completely honest about your cheat AND if he forgives you...the chances of that are pretty slim. Moving states to see someone you fucked around with on an internship also sound implausible. Maybe it's time to stop hopping from man to man and just learn how to be content without impulsivley looking for sexual attention?
Good luck.
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