A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl for about 8 months now and at first it was great but I have grown bored. I know I am the problem because this has happened to me in the past I just thought I had grown out of that stage but it turns out I have not. I have previously cheated on her to which she has no idea and she loves me completely. I got a new job out of state and will be moving next week. She is begging me to take her with me and i dont know how to let her off easily. What im most afraid of is ruining her life. She has done so well since she got with me. I got her to go back to college and found her a job. She cleaned her act up and i was really proud of her for it. I love the girl but i have never been IN love with her.How do I let her go without undoing all the good shes accomplished? i dont want her to let it all go and fall back on herself because of me. I really care about her to the point where i know i cant drag this along, its not healthy for her and she needs to be with someone who loves her. I have done this before; I like projects and feel each girl can do better and i help them but i always move on. It's not right and I know it, I have issues and i know it but the question i have come to ask is how do i do it with minimal damage?-Mr. Wrong
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female
reader, DazedConfused  +, writes (14 October 2012):
Mr Wrong,I know your story so well. I was married at 18 and had quite a traumatic relationship. Since the break up of this relationship the people I have had relationships with or been involved with since then have more or less been projects or people who needed more from me than I needed from them. Less fortunate than me, or difficcult backgrounds etcOn the most part I'm a kind caring person. I like to help in general. If there is a lost cause, Im there to help. Don't get me wrong I'm no mother Theresa. Infact like everyone else I have my own problems to deal with.Basically, I could be wrong. But has it crossed your mind that apart from these "projects" benefiting from your kindness, you have benefitted not only from the good feeling of helping but whilst your helping others you dont need to focus on your own problems.This is my biggest problem. Whilst I help other people sort their lives out, I dont need to focus on my issues past or present. However, the best way to deal with it is be honest. Tell her you love her, tell her your proud of her. Let her know what she means to you, but you need to A. sort your own shit out and ask her to understand or b. tell her your not inlove with her ( I dont reccomend that one) c. Little by little thin her out. I wish you all the best.L
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): Hey, thanks for your reply. But i'm not convinced. To be honest, I don't think you need a psychiatrist. you seem normal, cuz you know its wrong and you feel sorry for them,
Your only problem is you haven't met your match yet..
Once you meet the right one whether perfect or not, for Sure it will stop your unbreakable pattern with girls..
One day, anyways Good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): Thank you all for your advice.
Highmaintainance101:
I think it's because i enjoy the getting to know each other phase more than anything. I love meeting new people, first dates, and as the first commenter said, there have been hits and misses of course, but mostly it's because i feel insecure and like to be reassured from time to time that i can be good for someone. That need for validation drives me to move on once i have the person. Once i know that i have learned all there is to know about them and that they love me that's when i cut it off. My psychiatrist suggest its due to my first heartbreak as a teen. I joined the military to marry a girl and to be able to provide for her and once i got deployed within six months she left me for someone else and i got left with the 4 year contract bill across the globe and torn. Since then its just project after project. In each one i find out something about myself that i could do better in the next that i didn't do in the last but i see none of them as permanent. The last comment sounded good, about breaking this pattern and maybe finding that independent someone who i dont want to try and fix because they dont need it. I dont believe its about finding the perfect person, i just want to see an imperfect person...perfectly.
-Mr. Wrong
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): I agree with 'fishdish', you need some counseling, but I don't think it's as severe as you think.There's a bit of a healer in you, since you like helping girls get back on their feet. Though, I'd advise you not to let your head blow up and think you're God's gift to women...I'm sure there have been some hits and misses.Honestly, I would sit her down and tell her that you think it's best you go your seperate ways. It isn't that she could stumble and fall, it's more that she is stronger than she thinks and can stand on her own two feet. And since you believe it's time for you to pull away, it probably means she's ready to be by herself.Hope you figure it out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): All you can do is be honest & tell her you aren't ready to be in a relationship that you have issues & right now you need to focus on your new job & moving. At least with you moving, she won't have to run into you, but don't lead her on any longer.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): Hi Mr. Wrong, So you treat this girls as your projects, you maybe helpful but what are u thinking? To be honest, I don't think its a problem.. If it something that you've done in the past, you know how to break it to her gently..Just your usual moves: Pull back a little, spend less time until no time given for her, don't contact her, ignore her text, you know all this.. She will get the message clearly..But i have a question..You have grown bored... Why?Sorry if i'm asking This is part of my research ..What made you feel bored about this girl who seems to be great once in your eyes?What made you cheat on her? Pls reply Thank u. (nothing personal just wana know why)
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Just rip the bandaid. Say what you've said here about it not being her but you and you love her but not in love with her. But after you break up, go get some counseling to assist yourself in breaking this pattern. Stay out of a relationship for a while. Eventually, you'll find someone that is so together, so independent that they don't NEED to need you for survival-they choose to need because they love.
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