A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm writing this because I'm feeling so low, and maybe any answers might help.To cut it short, I met this guy many years back, we started off as friends, He lived away from me, but when we met up, it became more than friends. I then found out he was married, he is Islamic and had, had, an arranged marriage. Well I cut all ties I was hurt, but more so that he could get close to me and then lie like this. Well fast forward a couple of years, I was going through a low period in my life, a close relative was ill and didn't expect to live long, I wasn't in the best state of mind, well this guy had emailed me continuously saying sorry and he wanted me to reply back to him, and I did. I found out he had got divorced, and that he had felt bad about what had happened, but when he had met me his wife became pregnant, so it was a difficult situation. He was also at a low point in his life, having gone through a divorce, and the issues surrounding the separation, there is also lot of stigma about divorce in his culture. Well I forgave him and we became friends again. At first it felt really good to talk to one another, I didn't realise how much I'd missed that friendship.Well he now lived in his country and place of birth so we would contact each other regular, we both wanted to meet up again, there was a little issue with his visa though, he was planning a trip to USA where his bro lives but it took along time for it to come through, we planned we could meet up there. Well we eventually met up a couple of months ago in USA, his bro was getting married as his parents had found his bro a wife, he had informed me that his parents wanted him to marry as well soon, as it would be good for his child, before his child got too old, he didn't seem keen, and we both sort of felt we should meet and see what happened between us.Well I thought the meet up was good we were intimate, he was a little reserved to me in public, but I thought maybe it was because of his culture.Well we parted, we didn't really discuss our future on parting, I said to him we could talk about things, he didn't really comment, I felt confused.Now we are both back to our normal lives, I didn't hear off him for two weeks, I know he was still in USA so that didn't really bother me.We eventually got round to talking, he told me he would eventually be wed, as his parents were finding him a wife, I asked him did he want this and what about me, he just told me he thought it was time especially for his child, and he said we could not be together because he could not be with me in my country due to his responsibilities, he told me he felt down and lost. I did say to him maybe I could consider being with him in his country, it might sound crazy, maybe I was caught up in my feelings for him, he just said it would be unfair to me because of the culture difference and the security issues, he said it would be great for him though, and he asked me could I settle there, I said I wasn't sure maybe I could consider it though.Well two weeks of trying to get hold of him, we eventually talk again, I was still not giving up on the idea we could be together, because I thought we had something, he then told me his parents were in the final stages of marrying him to another divorcee who has a child, and that his child seemed to get on with her child and the woman in question was good to his child, so I asked him did he never not consider we could be together and how he felt about me, he told me the same thing about it wasn't fair to me, and that maybe I felt more towards him than he did to me, which hurt, he said maybe it could have worked if we was in the same country. He told me I was one of his best friends, the one he could talk closely about his feelings, which I always thought was one of the most important things in a relationship :(He told me it was nothing to do with physical attraction, and he was attracted to me in that way. I know I can be quite emotional with my feelings, and he was quite opposite to this. I asked if he liked this woman he said she seemed the sort of person to get jealous, and he didn't think he could tell her about us. I just said to him perhaps you should get married if it will make you happy, he replied in away that made me think he wasn't happy and didn't want to marry her, it made me feel sad for him as well as my own hurt.So it got to the point where I said I didn't feel we should keep in touch anymore, I told him this was difficult for me, I said maybe once we had both become happy again in other relationships, maybe we could be friends, he said he didn't want this, he wanted us to at least email each other every now and then, but I just said I need to move on with my life now, he did seem sad about this, he said he felt guilty for making my life a misery, I just said it was fine and just became cold, he was sad. I told him I would delete all contact with him, and I did so.I know what people will say, how did you think it would work out with the cultural differences, the long distance, he lied to you at the start, why did you give him time of day.Just I really liked him a lot, I feel confused and so low, like what's wrong with me :( and I will miss his friendship greatly :( I just wanted to know has anybody been in this situation before? Especially with the whole cultural difference thing, and any advice to get me feeling good about things again :( I don't think I'm a friends with benefits sort of person :( There's this other guy who has liked me for a while, a bit closer to home, but he is married, we have not been intimate, I don't go after married men, and I would not normally date a married man, he just told me he really liked me a lot and he feels bad to his wife about his feelings for me, and one point he avoided me completely because of his feelings for me, I always just tried to remain friends with him, but lately he's been so nice to me, especially after everything that has happened it makes me feel maybe I should get with him, I know this is wrong, :(Sorry this is so long, I felt like I needed to get it all out :(
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best friend, divorce, friend with benefits, jealous, long distance, married man, move on, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone who has already spent a little time commenting, I think maybe some of the comments with regards to culture were a bit harsh, you can't generalise a whole culture, that's just not fair. Just felt like I should say, as it seems I've been perceived as clingy, and that I would go out with anyone who pays me attention, well you couldn't be further from the truth, I was single for some time, I don't even call myself attached when I was with the foreign man, just stupidly caught up in my feelings for him, and I would never date a married man, I know I said about the divorced guy, I guess its just nice to get some attention when you feel like crap, I've never pursued him, always been professional and just friendly (we work together) Sugar plum I think you are right that the foreign man has played too much with my emotions over the years, and you are right if he had no intention of a future why start things. I never new foreign man was married first time till I found out by snooping, and I know for sure he got divorced, I'm good at snooping, as I'm not that stupid, I maybe have forgiven him, but it never ment I trusted him after that, I've just been living in a dream world for too long, I'm just pretty down about it all, maybe more so because he will get married soon, and eventually love her and be happy, and I'm the one left with the hurt, which will probably take a while to fade, I will never get in this situation again, and hope I feel happy in life again :( Its just pretty rubbish right now :( Thanks anyway to you all
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 Can you ask yourself this question:
'Why do I choose to get romantically involved only with men who are in impossibly difficult and unavailable positions, who can never commit to me or give me what I want?'
Married men (whoever they are and whatever culture they are from) are a BAD CHOICE to be involved with. They begin ON A LIE (if not to you then a lie to their wife) and you must always remember that.
Perhaps you have low self esteem and do not think you are worthy of dating regular SINGLE men who want a relationship. You give yourself the task of negotiating a mine field with men whose hearts/emotions rest with other women.
Married men will tell you just about anything in order to get what they want (sex on the side)
The muslim guy absolutely will NEVER be with you and I don't buy that his parents are marrying him to someone else...I think he is still with his original wife and has spun a web of lies to keep you on the hook! The minute you put any demands for answers or commitment on him, he began a weird and fanciful story to wriggle out of giving you a definitive answer!!!
I think you are low in self esteem and any man that shows you that they like you or gives you a little attention, you dive right in. I think this has become and unconscious action on your part because we all need love and attention.
You know it's wrong, you said so and deep down all of this is making you doubt yourself as not good enough when the plain truth is that neither of these men are good enough FOR YOU!!!
Get serious with your life, do some meditation and clear your mind, focus on what YOU want and need...what's the ideal?...Go for what you really need, do not accept the scraps of men whose lives are so fucked up they have to bleed all over unsuspecting women.
They are the ones with the problems and if they were decent people they would sort their own shit out before getting involved with anyone else.
Married people who fool around and cheat are vile, self centered and absolutely DO NOT care about other peoples feelings.
You are the lucky one...you have your freedom and the sense to take yourself to good places. You have the time and full control of what you bring in and out of your life and you are just making bad choices right now.
Leave it all behind, choose better for yourself, because you arnt tied to anyone, you are independant and you can do EXACTLY what is right for you.
Good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 February 2014):
Dear OP,
I've never been in a similar situation, I've only watched friends of mine being in similar positions, so the little advice I can give you, I draw from my experience with them.
First, I can understand why you would fall in love with the first guy, even though he lied etc. He sounds like he's quite the opposite of you, not guided by his emotions, but by responsibilites and family considerations. And like a good friend, despite everything else. I could imagine you both felt like you completed each other and it also felt like this incredible adventure, dating someone from a different background. But I believe he truly did you a favor not to have you emigrate into his country and deal with a culture you don't know. It's so hard. You don't sound like you are strong enough and ready to start from zero in a place where people don't speak your language and don't share your values, with a different climate, different foods, different habits, where you don't have any friends and have to take care of a child that's not yours. I'm sorry to say that, but that's how I feel and how I think he feels about it, too. You don't sound like you're in the right state of mind for this.
The second guy, I am sorry, but that's just a lame attempt to get over the first one, no more comment on that. All married men say whiny stuff to get laid. Of course no husband would say he doesn't care about his wife and of course it's not an easy choice to cheat, so he would go back and forth about it. But if you really think this is true affection (instead of a man telling himself it's true affection so he has an excuse to get laid) you'll end up with a guy who bathes in self-pity and celebrates his daily dilemma - and still won't commit. You won't get what you need, only half a man, while he has twice the women he can handle.
My advice is to center your life around yourself. Not around some man's wishes and desires and feelings. If you need a break, get a break from your friend, it doesn't matter if he's sad now. It was his choice to follow his family duties instead of accepting your offer. Which was a good choice, but it's natural he will suffer for a while. I'd prefer to hear you will stay single for the time being, because you sound like you cling on too much to men and you will sacrifice too much for romantic love.
If you feel like you're truly over all this, look for a love with a clean, fresh start, clear conditions and no third parties involved.
Take care!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 All this, for a guy who, clearly, doesn't give a darn about you???? ... and lives in (and - apparently - buys into) a culture/religion that will serve to treat you as chattel if you were "lucky" enough to "land" him?????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 Hi, I really believe if the guy loves you he will not bend to family pressure. Further, why start something with you knowing there was no future? Let him go and don't contact him again. He is not even worth having as a friend as all he does is mess with your emotions.
Also stay away from married guy, If he wanted to leave his wife he would be already divorced. Everything else that comes out of their mouth is a lie.
Don't let your weakness and emotional state, be your down fall and end up in a pit were you need to struggle to uplift yourself. If you think its difficult now, imagine had you been in a proper relationship with either of these guys, how much more difficult the healing will be. Run don't wait to find out
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