A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am worried that my new husband (of 3 months!) is a verbal and emotional abuser. He seems to go through a calm cycle and then will get tense and run me down, it seems as though he has nothing positive to say about what I do. He is only like this behind closed doors. We have a 3 year old daughter and have been together for 10 years. He also has 2 daughters (22 and 20) from a previous marriage......I feel worried sick and it is affecting my relationship with him, I feel like I no longer want to be in his company or sleep with him and after the most recent outburst we have not spoken for 48 hours. He is sulky and I am anxious. I have been redundant for nearly 12 months and for most of this time he has been supportive. He has acted like this before though, just after the birth of our daughter. There is so much more I can tell you, but sorry for the long blog.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't been on this website for a while, however, I want to update on the situation in my life.
After a period of quiet life, it seems that my husband is acting suspiciously again.
Firstly, I am in counselling to help validate my experiences which after the first few sessions seem to be real. He is an emotional abuser.
Secondly, I found a text message from a woman who he works with and goes to Ireland with on business on his fone. The message said, 'really missed you 2day. I just long to spend quality time with you without clock watching. No-one said it would be easy x'.
I now believe that there is something sexual between them - she is married, but has no family. We have been out with them socially once before and he has always berated her for being loud mouthed and aggressive.
I feel I can no longer carry on in this marriage for the sake of my daughter and am going to seek Legal Aid and appoint a solicitor for marriage annulment.
I have saved the message to my mobile.
I don't care if everyone thinks that it is intrusived of me to check his mobile, but he has done this on two other occasions and now my trust and love in him is failing pretty damn fast.
Supportive comments will calm my anger.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to update everyone on my situation.
I have started counselling to help validate my experience with my husband. However, he has been acting suspiciously recently and I found a message on his fone from a woman at work (married - and we have been out with her and her husband socially). The message said that she missed him and just longed to spend quality time with him without clock watching. At the end of the message she stated that no-one said it would be easy x. I now feel that there is something going on or about to go on. He goes to Ireland with this woman on business as they both work for the same company.
I am now seeking to look for Legal Aid and appoint a solicitor. I am so angry as this is the third time he has messed about with women on texting/websites and it is enough. I want out of this marriage and I want to protect our daughter from it.
Thanks for your comments
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you all for your comments and advice with my situation. I have been in touch with Refuge/Womans Aid UK and they have also been supportive and most definitely say that from my experiences I could be in an emotional/psychologically abusive relationship. I have a couple of telephone numbers to contact to hopefully make contact with other women who have had the same experiences. This is not a happy time for me. The last outburst from him was a week ago and I am still reeling from the effects, however, he behaves like nothing happened. I am no match for his words of pain that fire at me like a loaded gun and no matter what I do, nothing is right. There will always be something that I do wrong. If I confronted him and said that I wish to leave - he would just say fine, go, but leave our daughter with me and I could never do that to her. She is only 3 and is still dependent on me. The only way out I have is to escape one night when he is out, with a few clothes/toys, etc. He once verbally threatened to kill both me and our daughter, when she was only a few months old, if I left him, I was totally frozen with shock that he could say something like that and not apologise remorsefully afterwards, but there you go. This behaviour in him took 6 years to come out, although it may have been there before daughter was born and I was too much 'in love' to see.
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A
male
reader, FroggieGman  +, writes (8 March 2009):
Leave him! It's obvious that he will never change. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You have a choice, stay and things will never change or move on and find someone that will love and respect you.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Thanks for the update hun. The extra information was helpful amd Wonderingcat has given you some sound advice.
Gambling, criminal record for assault, harassing your mom..to my mind...you need to leave.
I would agree that you need to start to some organizations who can give you answers and info about where you can go to get away from this unstable man. I agree with the other poster here that you are coming to terms with the fact he is not going to change.
Your safety and that of your daughter is what matters here. In the city where I live there is a place where women( or men) can stay till they get their ducks in order as to what they will do. If there is a safety issues there are different locations where people can stay so there whereabouts are not known.
The extra information you have given indicates to me that you should start making enquiries. Check in your phone book for agencies which would help. Perhaps British readers could help more here as I do not know the uk agencies.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (7 March 2009):
 I can actually hear the sadness and desperation in your story. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so low and so down at the moment.
Now, HotGuy did bring up a point, in that you cannot change a person if that person does not want to change himself. So let's start from this point then. Let's see if any of my inputs are feasible for you.
Another thing that comes to my mind, when you wrote that he has "cycles" of being "calm" and "running you down" - is bipolar? But I am not a psychiatrist, so I could be just sooo off the mark on this.
First, get online and learn about the types abuses in a relationship or marriage, and HelpLines that you can contact by phone or by email.
Secondly, start talking to local support groups for abused women. You know already that your husband has been behaving like what he does now, for as long as you know him. And now you have proven to yourself that is not going to change. So you going to these support groups, or individual counselling sessions, is not exactly to the same degree of his "secretive actions" or "going behind his back" kind of thing. You are merely trying to understand your situation and better prepare yourself for what is to come.
Thirdly, if after these sessions and counsellings, you feel that you do need to get out of the marriage, you will already have some advice from people who have gone through similar experience as you have.
As starters, you can find some discussions on this site already.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-always-puts-me-down-and-now.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/please-help-me-cut-this-lying-cheating-man.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-sends.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-need-to-get-my-daughter-and-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/manipulated-lied-to-and-cheated-on-by-whorehouse.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-people-continue-to-lie-even-though.html
And a few educational and awareness raising on abuse from the web:
A look inside the mind of an abuser ...
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page8.html
Understanding Abusers or how to understand Abusive people's behavior
http://advice7.com/emotions_feelings/aboutabusers.html
Abusive Behavior Checklist: Evaluate the Abuse Level in Your Past or Present Relationship
http://www.cdh.org/ClinicalServices.aspx?id=9298
Verbal Abuse In Relationships
http://www.verbalabuse.com/3.shtml
Understanding Bipolar
http://www.healthline.com/adamcontent/bipolar-disorder?utm_medium=google&utm_source=cym_test&utm_campaign=adam&utm_term=abusive%20behavior
Good luck, and please be strong!
Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments Bemused. I understand what you are saying here, however, this sort of behaviour from him has been going on since I became pregnant, with aggressive phone calls pestering my 70+ year old Mum. He now has a criminal record for Grevious Bodily Harm (section 18) for hitting my brother in law with a stone, over a family disagreement. He left nasty, threatening messages on the phone of my sister and brother in law and constantly runs my family and friends down, saying they are using me and are lazy. His latest comment to me is that I am a lazy freeloader, like my family who have never done a days work. I am actively looking for employment, full and part-time, have signed on with 4 agencies and also my local jobcentre are looking for work for me. I would like to find something that fits in with our daughter's schooling, but will accept anything that comes along. This isn't good enough for him. I don't know what more I can do. This is the first time in my life that I have been made redundant as I have worked since leaving college at 18. I have always been financially independent. We have 2 houses, one of which he will not let us put up for sale (his eldest daughter moved in there after a disagreement with her mother and sister, however, still goes to her mothers house for tea and out with her sister to nightclubs - she pays for the bills, but not the rent - I feel like a bad person asking her to leave so that we can sell this house). He likes gambling and dog racing. He is going to a major horse racing event for a week next week, where he may loose a lot of money? (I wouldn't know because he won't tell me anyway) I feel like I am something bad on his shoe. He was extremely abusive to me when I was pregnant with our daughter and even told my mother that if I kept the baby (i.e. not miscarried!) it would be a miracle. I can't understand why he is so cruel to me. I did offer him an open door to leave the relationship if he didn't wish to stand by me when our daughter was born, however, he choose to stay, why would he stay with me out of spite? I am so confused that I believe I am the problem and that it is my fault he treats me like this, for getting pregnant, despite him writing to me telling me he would stand by me and support me because he love me. All that seems to have changed......
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (7 March 2009):
Hi hun.
I don't think youwill be judged here. People, for the most part are trying to help. I read your question a couple of times. Does your husband have any addictions? This can cause mood swings for many people. Might he be bipolar? Judging from your age, might he be having kind of a rough time in his middle age years. He may be flirting with other women for validation maybe? It does not mean that you are not his number one but there may just be something missing in his world right now which does not necessarily mean you have failed him.
You mention you have been unemployed for over a year. Might that be a factor in what is going wrong. Most people go through some hard times with unemployment. Could this be a factor as well as to why things are not going well for the two of you?
I would say that if he is running you down behind closed doors that is abuse...yes. Hopefully there has been nothing physical but stats show that could happen..maybe.
Have you looked into marriage counselling? The problem I have always noted with verbal abusers( men and women) is that they are on their best behaviour in public and can put on a show for the marriage counsellor therefore leaving the person being abused as alone as before.
Are you actively looking for employment? If this situation improves and you and your husband get help which really will help I think it would be good for the sake of your child if things could be worked out. Perhaps the change of status in your relationship from girlfriend/ boyfriend to married has him spooked a bit. Reading between the lines this does sound like it could be mended. I think that you getting back in the job market will help. Were you working thoughout your courtship...this could be a change for him.
If, barring all of this, things go from bad to worse. I would suggest a separation. No one, male or female should live with verbal abuse. You will need to get a toe hold in the work force then. Hopefully it will not come to that. Good luck my dear and keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike I said at the end of the question, there is much more I can add to this, like his sexual texting to a woman when our daughter was coming up to her first birthday, to which he denied hotly until I actually showed him her number on his mobile (I discovered this accidentally, by the way), further sexy emailing to a young woman he had dealings with socially, until apparently, she 'came on' to him in public and he turned tail and ran home, flustered.
He has been very verbally abusive in the past.
I married him because I 'thought' that we had 'buried' our past ups and downs and were going forward together. Despite being with him for 10 years, I still had all the expectations of any new bride/bridegroom have on their wedding days.
Like I say, there is more, so please don't judge me on these first two blogs. I am new to this website and am feeling very down, very alone and very unsupported by my husband.
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A
male
reader, hotguy  +, writes (7 March 2009):
You can't keep on changing husbands and wives like thongs so just be sensible give him some time and love him as much as u can coz life is on a 4 days fare, just enjoy ur life don't get stressed and plz love each other plz coz it's very hard to get love if u think he loves u then just forget about everything just talk to him and have a good night
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