A
female
age
36-40,
*usanNLuv
writes:Hello Everyone! I am 22 years old and have been engaged to my best friend David for two years now.We have dated for 7 and a half. We love each other more then words can express. Two years ago he asked me to marry him. Immediately, he wanted to plan a wedding. My parents are middle class and do not have much of any savings to speak of. His family, the same. I am a part-time college student and work as an Assistant Teacher. He has always made a decent amount of money and claimed to have additional money in savings. We planned a wedding and our parents agreed to "help". We went through an elegant catering service and planned a wedding for over 300. I started having severe anxiety about the situation. Knowing we would not be able to pay the catering bill that was quickly creeping up on us. He kept saying..stop worrying..everything is okay. Meanwhile, he had gone out and rented a house that we could not afford...as a surprise to me. WOW...what a suprise. To make a long story short, he lost his job right before the bill was due and explained how he had spent the savings on my engagement ring. He cried to me and it melted my heart. I was truly crushed but yet I remained there to support him. He had to move out of the house. We had to cancel the wedding. I was stuck with a wedding dress and a man without a job to speak of. He quickly became frustrated and left the state to see friends. Meanwhile he was maxing out our credit cards to forget his problems. He wanted me to give him space. He wanted me to go away. he didn't want to talk. I felt betrayed. He stopped answering phone calls and when he answered he was mean.He never has apoligized. He said it was because of how I need to change things about myself. Really random excuses...that would otherwise not exist in my opinion. We have mended things now but we are left with a lot of debt and I am left with the pain and aftermath still in my heart. I am wondering whether I need to find someone financially stable to share my life with regardless of the deep love we share for each other. I am ready for marraige and I want to have a family within the next 5 years. It sometimes seems as if he has no financial goals. He has a new job..making less then before and I am paying all of the bills. I just don't know if I can live this life. Stuck and dreaming for more.
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best friend, crush, debt, engaged, lost his job, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (4 June 2007):
 Ah, honey, I'm sorry. Financial reasons are tricky... on one hand, you say to yourself that it's not important, and isn't it shallow to marry for money anyway? But on the other hand, you can't live without it. It's just impossible.
If you love the man, stick with it a while longer and really try to get your budget sorted out with him. Talk to him seriously about all of this. Does he know that you're thinking about leaving him because of it? I'd give him, I don't know, six more months. If he hasn't made an effort and things haven't improved, then you need to move on, because it's likely that it will always be like that. If he's trying, encourage him and stay with him. You love him, after all.
Good luck. I hope it goes well for you.
A
female
reader, SusanNLuv +, writes (4 June 2007):
SusanNLuv is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank You all for taking the time to give me your input and suggestions. I have been thinking about this situation for a couple years now. I wonder if there is anyone out there who has decided not married their soulmate due to financial instability. I am on the verge of letting go of our love. I'm miserable but feel I have to put myself and my future first.
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A
female
reader, SusanNLuv +, writes (4 June 2007):
SusanNLuv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe pushed for the wedding. Like I said, I am conservative. I did not have to have a big wedding. He let his mother create the list and she invited everyone that has ever been in his life. I have told him over and over...we just can not afford it. He still disagrees. We now avoid the conversation altogether. Well, at least he does at all costs.Everywhere I go people ask when is the wedding? Are you marriied yet? I feel like I just relapse back into a depression every time I hear those words.
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney +, writes (3 June 2007):
Hm, tough one. I don't think you should leave him over it, but maybe this isn't the right time to be living together. You love him, and at the end of the day, that's the most important thing. Sit down with him and make a plan. Work out a budget and stick to it, see if he can find another job that pays more (it's a lot easier to find a new job when you already have one - employers see you as more stable, so that will help), start thinking seriously about your future together. Would you trust him with a joint bank account? If not, maybe it's time to think again.
Big white weddings are horribly tempting, but to be honest, you can have a small wedding which is just as lovely. Summer, a garden, a simple ceremony, your nearest and dearest - and no stress about the price! Small weddings can be even more charming than big ones, because they're more intimate. The important thing isn't the wedding, it's the marriage, and that's what you need to be thinking of. Don't be in a hurry to have children. You're very young, enjoy yourself for a while. Children are a huge responsibility and will suck up every last cent you have. Enjoy your financial freedom for a few more years first, but put money aside for the future - that scary place where anything can happen.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2007): Money is the number one thing coupes tend to fight about. I know you think you are in love, but sometimes it is true, what does love have to do with it.
It is very important when chosing a life partner to ask the hard questions, like how do you handle money, how do you want to raise or children, what religion will we choose, how many children will we have, what goals do we have for our future and what is the time frame, the how when and where will we achieve these, how often do we want to have sex.....it is the little things that are so very important.
I can't tell you what to do, as I do not have all of the facts of what is going on. I think it is sometimes a person's misfortune to lose a job and then have to find another one. I think women often have a fantasy wedding in mind that is way out of their budget, and is not what marriage is truly about, I think the men who love them want to live up to the ideal, and can feel imasculted if it does not work out due to finances....this is all very hard to deal with but not impossible, but you have to communicate, you have to state what you want and what you won't put up with. It was a poor idea to run up your credit cards, talk it over and make a plan, and if you can't do that, you are very young, and possibly this is not the right time in your lives to get married.
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A
female
reader, pumkin221 +, writes (3 June 2007):
All i have to say is whether or not you meet someone stable or not, it really does not matter, my parents fore example were both stable divorced and then my dad had unpaid bill he never told her about. Point is its takes two but, always be able to stand alone because God does not promise you anything forever. The man you were with in my opinion just was not good at handling stress, and that what you need someone who is mentally stable. Families go through this same tradgedy all the time.
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A
female
reader, SusanNLuv +, writes (3 June 2007):
SusanNLuv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLately,I have been feeling more depressed then usual. It seems that all my friends are married and having children. I get very jealous when I come to the realization that this may not be in my near future...due to our debt. He constantly makes bad financial decisions even after I warn him. I am conservative and he is not. He has a hard time budgeting money altogether. I love him. But this is my life and I deserve financial stability between the both of us. Is this reason enough to call off our entire relationship? I want to make the right decision for myself. But I am in love with him and feel like I can't live without him in my life. Please Help.
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (3 June 2007):
You got to know when to hold, know when to fold, know when to walk away, "know when to run". Well, Baby it's time to run. Get on with your Education so you can depend on number-one, Yourself. Do you really need a messed up relationship, or stability in your life?
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