A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 4 months and moved across the country leaving my family and everything behind to be with my husband. I have no one out here but him and his family. I miss my family so much and cry quite a bit. My mother was molested by her father and cheated on by my father. She has since been in and out of the mental hospital since I was in high school and I am now 30. The only man that was in my life was my grandfather and he is now in a nursing home slowly dying and I don't even know if he remembers me. I also have had a hard time with finding jobs out here and we recently moved into my mother in law's house. My husband also has 2 court charges with probation and classes. I have stuck thru it all and try to be strong but I've fallen into depression with high anxiety.I had a heart to heart with him on how all this has made me feel. I asked him out of respect if we could slow down on the everyday sex and make it more special when we do. He said he understood and agreed to my request and respected my feelings. Everything seemed fine because he stopped pushing sex so hard and we had breaks here and there. He had recently told me how he was on facebook and said he was scrolling thru the news feed and stopped at a picture of two girls in bikinis making sexy poses. He then went on to say how this overwhelming guilt came over him and god came to mind. He said it was wrong because lust over another woman is a sin. I took it as no big deal and blew it off. Only problem is I am not allowed on facebook and he constantly checks it plus my email while he is at work. This hurts me a lot. So I have been trying to get more excitement in our sex life by trying new things and looking online for toys because I do love him and want a healthy relationship. A week ago I let him try anal again because he really wants to. It hurts every time and I do not enjoy it. Plus as a young teen I was forced into anal and it was a scary thing for me. But I did it with my husband to try and keep him happy. It hurt so bad for a couple days and he asks to do it again. I obviously said no and left it at that. So about a couple weeks ago I noticed that the history on the google such for the iphone I let him use was deleted. He said it was an accident and I didn't take it any further than that. Then just a few days ago I couldn't sleep so I was playing on the phone while he slept and got this feeling to check it again. It was not my inital intention to do so but I had a gut feeling and looked again. There was tons of porn including anal and young 18 year olds. I felt betrayed and extremely hurt. He put all the blame on me with multiple excuses including "I wasn't sure how you felt about it" and "I was horny but had no pics of you". We miss a day of sex here and there and I try to keep him happy. He told me he had been doing it for two weeks and had looked at anal a few days before we did it. I felt lied to, betrayed, worthless and confused. He preaches all the time about respect for women and married men should never lust over another woman. I've falling deeper into depression and have no one but his mom to talk to.Just thinking about him looking at other women while pleasuring himself makes me sick. Sex of any kind in a married should be special and shared between the couple. People say all men do it so its ok. Since when is it ok to do something immoral just because others do it? Why is it ok just because you are not actually touching that person? And for guys saying its a visual thing wtf does that even mean? Because you're a man it gives you the right to jerk off to women who you will never actually meet? Its all just excuses to make them feel better and not have any guilt. Its ok because I didn't actually cheat with another women. Its degrading and very hurtful to a lot of women out there. So think of that, tons of women feel hurt by porn so maybe its not ok. If its something you do as a couple that's your business but to say all men do it so its ok is a load of bs. Society is going down hill with sex on tv, movies, magazines, teens, ect. Where has everyones morals gone? Where is the respect for women anymore? I am hurt and I know I am not in the wrong. I'm tired of people making women feel different about porn. Its not ok if you're married and it bothers the other person. You are lusting and getting pleasure from other women. And in the process hurting your loved one. Learn to control your edges and get over yourselfI just had to get that out there and express my feelings. Porn is ruining marriages and the respect for women. Sorry for the bad spelling, I'm using a blackberry and the quality of the letters is awful. .
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 March 2013):
 Not all men think that porn is OK- and not all women think porn is wrong.
I am not saying that you don't have the right to feel the way you feel, or that your dismay is unfounded or irrational, and I am no big fan of porn myself.
But I think is both unfair , and a total waste of time, assume that all society should observe your some ethic value based on Christian ethics. Lusting over other women is a sin- yeah perhaps, and what about who's not Christian ? What about atheists or agnostics, or people from other religions who do not recognize the concept of " sin " ? But only the concept of personal responsibility , which of course involves the moral duty of not harming people around you, particularly your mate and family.
What I am getting at, is yes sure, your husband is a prick. Because he knows that what he does is wrong in your eyes, ( and in his own eyes too ! ) and he still does it behind your back. But that only shows that what he is doing is wrong and disrespectful for your couple and your own personal agreements.
It is lamentable that you have married someone who is uncapable to respect your boundaries - and I do feel for you, I assure you I understand your sense of having been used and betrayed - but whenever I feel the even well meaning attempt to make a sexual Christian moral universal and mandatory for everybody, I can't help feel this uncomfortable prickly feeling like when you wear some itchy wool garment. Porn , in YOUR case, is bad because it undermines trust in your relationship, not because we have to bring Christian values in each and every bedroom.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): Whether or not there is a moral issue here, or the effect porn has on a marriage, the fact is that some guys are addicted to it. When I see a picture of a woman, especially nude, I get a rush. I can spend hours downloading from the internet, then masturbate and ten minutes later be doing it again. I prefer to photograph my wife and then masturbate while looking at her pic than doing it for real. That has been true for all of my gf's. My point is that either you accept it in him and let him get his satisfaction this way, or treat it for what it is. To do the latter, you need him to agree that his addiction needs treating. My wife accepts it most of the time and even lets me watch pics while we make love, to enhance my feelings.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Your relationship and your own mental health seems to have far bigger problems than that of porn. You seem to be in a controlling relationship. Have you had much counselling in the past, or now?
On the porn issue, it's not nice and it isn't ok, but men will look at it whether you like it or not. In my opinion is rather let them do it and know what they are up to than have them do it behind my back.
All men look at porn even if its only when having a laugh with their mates.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): Since when is anal sex moral? Homestly, anal sex goes against most religious beliefs. Pornography does as well. So does degrading oneself for one's husband.
Your sex life is not healthy. Your relationship is not healthy. Your problems go far deeper than being upset by pornography. You are in a relationship and married to a man who does not respect you, who makes you compromise yourself for him, and he controls everything you do.
Please seek out a counselor and try to figure out why you hate yourself so much that you purposely married an abusive man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): My dear- you have more issues here than whether he uses porn or not. He is controlling and manipulative. He can use FB and you can't? What type of charges does he have? Probation... Wow you sure picked a good one. He's religious yet has charges, is controling, uses porn....Your living at home with his mom- meaning he can't afford a home. DO NOT get pregnant with this guy. Go to counseling for yourself- you're depressed, lost and not seeing the picture clearly. You really sold yourself short here. I wouldn't tolerate any BS, I'd be packing my bags and saying adios for good. This is the type of life you want- poor, living with his mom, dealing with his charges/probation and being told what to do, your email invaded, etc. time to face reality. This is not going to lead to a happy life.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I have many links about this on my profile that I really think will help you with this. Just click my username and look through the list in the blue box on that page.
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (21 March 2013):
I can't stand it myself, they shouldn't be interested (but that's just me sorry if I annoy anybody by saying that)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): OP your guy is a dick. It's okay to be against porn, that's your choice but I won't be judged as scum by you for thinking differently than you. I have never gone behind my partners back to do something I know would hurt her deeply, your partner does and has and why the fuck did he tell you what he did on Facebook? The only thing that would achieve is hurting you so he did that on purpose. he's a good christian because he admitted it? fuck off, discretion is the better part of valour when it comes to "impure" thoughts.
You can blame porn all you like for making him this way or you can blame society but the reality is this guy is an asshole who doesn't respect you.
I watch porn, on my own, with my fiancée we both fantasize about others from time to time too. That sinful? Who cares what your religion thinks, it hasn't made your partner any more virtuous and it hasn't stopped him fucking you over.
You think because we have healthy fantasy that we don't have a great sex life? Well I hate to break it to you OP but we do, sex with each other is as special and amazing as you wish you had, I would never demand anal, I would never hurt her sexually unless she specifically asked to be hurt. Do I check out other women? Yes I do, she checks out other guys, almost everyone does OP.
OP I preach respect for women too, but the difference is I don't disrespect them in the way I behave either, but then again I'm not some absolute fool who thinks that finding another member of the opposite sex briefly attractive is a sin or immoral. I don't know how anyone thinks a person can go through their entire life not once finding another person other than their partner attractive. Why would I delude myself into thinking that way and then feeling guilty or hurt about it? If your way is the best way then why is it not working for you in your life? Oh that's right, it's societies fault, it's porn's fault, it's nothing to do with your guy being a dick.
No thanks. I prefer my life of being free from restrictive moral obligations based on bullshit notions and just because I don't restrict my life the way you do doesn't make me any less of a good person and frankly being this free means I never have to face the shite you're now facing with a complete lying dick of a guy.
Society went downhill as soon as shitty religions decided everything is wrong to do and a sin, as soon as religion decided they wanted to control women, how they give birth, who they see themselves as. All we're doing is reclaiming our rights to freely exercise our sexual selves, if you believe different then you're free to do so OP, if I'm so immoral how come I've never cheated on my partner, how come I've never willing to hurt her, how come I don't go around doing things that she absolutely hates or makes her feel as bad as you do?
All you're doing is blaming me and people like me for the world not being your way anymore and then blaming the world for your guy acting the way he has.
Again though OP you're free to do so, the only thing I can ask you is it making you happy, is it working for you?
Because all I see is a woman who tolerates far too much bad behaviour from this guy on the basis of false morals when he doesn't have any. You have a rotten guy on your hands OP and that's not societies fault, didn't your god give us free will? Well he's exercising his to hurt you and you're exercising yours to let him.
Frankly OP I think you're looking for any justification you can as to why you're still with him but it looks to me like you've lost nearly every man you ever cared about and you'd rather not lose him too so you're tolerating it and excusing it by blaming outside forces. You're not allowed facebook, you're not allowed this and that and you obey freely, why can't he?
Simple, he doesn't respect you, doesn't care about you and then covers his behaviour by saying he knows it's a sin and I'm quite sure he has used yee olde "god forgives, if you atone" the oldest get out of jail free card in history.
Now forget religion, forget porn, forget my opinions, forget everything except one thing. Why do you tolerate all of this from him? Why? Moral obligation to obey your man? I don't get it, if I fucked over my partner this badly OP she'd walk. If I was such a lying blatant hypocrite then I'd not be a man she wants to spend her life with. Why do you let this kind of happen when you have all the tools to take control here?
OP you just sound like you live in a prison of a life, a prison of restrictive morals so high no one can live up to them, of no people in your life to support or love you, no independence, no control, just a prison of your religion and a man who can't live up to the obligations you have set for him.
You need to do something to release yourself from this self-imposed prison, or maybe you're the kind of person who thinks suffering is the best possible life to have because Jesus did, I don't know, I can't judge you but then why would I when my life is the greatest it's ever been?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 March 2013):
 You have a lot bigger issues than whether or not society should accept porn watching by its men, married or otherwise.
Quite frankly, you've gotta get help for yourself. Being depressed, crying constantly, being controlled by not being able to be on Facebook, email, or any sort of privacy, being cut off from your family and friends, having a dysfunctional parental home (molestation and cheating in the family) is not a good place to be in.
Your husband cannot be your therapist, nor can you think that his watching or not watching porn will change your situation. You married a guy who has an active criminal record, who pushes you for sexual acts you're not comfortable with, doesn't let you do things that he does, and it's not healthy.
You need to get healthy, and you can start that by finding someone outside your marriage and family to talk to. Hopefully someone professional. Also, get yourself moving. Take some walks, get some exercise, keep your energy up because that's one of the best home remedies for depression.
Get into some hobbies as well where you can find people to connect with, because snooping through iphones and emails and such isn't a healthy hobby. And tell your husband that Facebook and whatever you want to do on the computer is something you're going to do.
Porn is the least of your worries.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 OP you are correct. IT is NOT OK for a partnered man to look at porn IF it bothers the partner.
BUT if he does it and he knows it bothers her, then she has two choices... stay and know he's going to do it or LEAVE. Because all a man who wants to look at porn is going to do if he's with a woman who does not want him looking at it, is get better at hiding it.
and men who like to look at porn need to be with women who don't mind them looking at porn. And they do exist. I"m one of them. My husband looking at porn does not bother me. It does not diminish how he feels about me or our relationship. My husband has no need for any guilt over looking at porn. He does not look at illegal porn so what's the big deal? I don't have a problem with it so neither does he.
I do not think my husband looking at porn is amoral. I do not think it's sick.
I do think that your giving in to anal sex to please your husband is amoral on his part. I think that he shows less respect for you by being willing to inflict pain on you and perform sexual acts on you for his own pleasure knowing you don't like it or want it but only do it to please him. To me that's sick and amoral.
You didn't ask but you started your post with how miserable you are because you left your family and moved across the country to be with this man. You are depressed and angry.
Apparently your husband was demanding sex every day and you rightfully asked him for less and he agreed. That is the ONLY good thing i see in your post.
I think that there is way more going on to make you feel bad than your husband looking at porn.
YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED to have facebook or email but he is?
AND THIS does not make you ANGRY?
why are you with such an abusive controlling man?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): Look, all guys look at porn in this internet age, and they will continue to as long as it's there. Even a casanova married to three to four super models probably wanks it to porn on occasion. Most guys need need to physically release themselves. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Are you religious? If not, perhaps, you should try watching it with him, you may reach a new level in your relationship by discovering his fantasies and making him comfortable. As far as the bikini thing goes, I'm not sure why he would tell you that, except maybe he is trying to get you to accept that he is a male, and he does need to release. It's not like he's out there picking up girls from the bar and taking them to a hotel. Or cheating online with strangers via video chat. Or having an emotional affair. Or any number of other things..I'm sorry that this isn't the answer you wanted to hear, but you really should cut him some slack. Guys see porn different; it's a tool to help you with your physical urges. Just like woman crave chocolate, ice cream , etc., on their periods, guys have a hormonal craving for sex and to orgasm. Porn helps with that. It doesn't mean we don't desire intimacy with you or love our partners any less. In fact, it helps a lot to keep us monogamous, since - by nature - we are not monogamous animals. Monogamy is a societal pressure.I'm sorry you miss your family and you are away from them. That has to be difficult. Maybe you should talk with him about moving closer to them? It seems being away from them is hard on you, and you definitely need to make sure he knows how hard it is on you, and how the masturbation thing isn't helping. Try to be as understanding as possible, and see where he is coming from with his primal urges. I hope you two can work through this bump in the road.
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