A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am having a huge problem, or at least, a huge thought process about a decently large problem. So, uh, it'll be a bit of a detailed story. Sorry...Last year I started going to a small private school, many of the students and teachers I had met that summer. I developed a crush on one of the guys, and apparently he also liked me, so we started "dating" (we never actually went anywhere). He was my first boyfriend.Within this relationship, some problems I had were his lack of confidence and other emotional problems (specifically constant lust and depression and a failed-to-be-hidden jealousy), his demanding to have control over almost all situations that included "us", and occasional violence (once every few months he would hit me), as well as my own busy schedule. I also had to deal with every few months he would break up with me and get back with me the next day. After I broke up with him this January (so it was almost four months we had been a "thing").Shortly before I broke up with him, I developed a crush on another student, who I had met a few days before I even met the first guy, who even now doesn't show that any of these would be a problem. He was/is (we'll stick to past tense for now) confident and had a stable ego, wasn't really interested in girls and was okay with the fact that people can have multiple friends or other things to do, would balance control whenever he was supposed to share dominance with someone over something, and had many ways to relieve stress, and we got along great. I still have a crush on this person, just in case anyone is wondering.Eventually, I just couldn't put up with any more crap from the person I was currently dating and broke up with him, which really made me feel free because I wouldn't have to deal with it. At first he was constantly crying and quite literally BEGGING to get back with me, all of which I tried to sympathetically reject (I might have failed the sympathy part a bit, but in my defence he should have taken no for an answer). After that he got the wrong idea, that I left him "for" the guy I had a crush on (spoiler: I didn't) and acted the victim of some horrible event, going as far as to talk to one of my childhood friends on Steam and talk stuff about me, all of which my friend talked to me about afterwards so it's not like he took any of this for granted.Now I have a different problem. My ex is now trying(?) to emotionally abuse me, trying to find every way to put me down, even in front of my friends (which we all agree just makes him look bad) and my crush (who's oblivious to any attempts to make me look bad, but I know he's still there for me if I get hurt). At the same time, my life is in general getting better. My organization skills have gone way up, my grades are progressively increasing, my relationship with everyone, including my crush (who I'm starting to think might actually like me) are also getting better. I'd even go as far as to say that my own health and my confidence in myself and most people around me has also taken a turn for the better. But my ex is still attempting to make me out to be a villain of some sort, and if ANYONE (doesn't matter if it's me or a friend or some other person who's tired of it all) asks him to stop he acts like he doesn't know what they're talking about. This is problematic because as I'm beginning to socialize with more and more people he has more lies to spill out, even though at this point nobody believes him anyway. I'm just scared that the more I learn to tolerate others the more people he has an "excuse" to attack.So now that you guys understand what's going on, my question(s) is this. What qualifies as emotional abuse? Is it when he does this stuff, or does it matter if anyone actually is hurt by it? What's safe to tolerate, and what's a good way NOT to tolerate what isn't? How do I keep those around me from getting hurt because he's holding a grudge against me? And how do I get him to stop (preferably without involving a bunch of people, or legal stuff since I'm only 16 and he's only 14 and blah-blah-blah)?
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broke up, confidence, crush, emotionally abusive, jealous, my ex, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys!
My problem with ignoring him is that there are only about 40 students in the entire school and all high-school students have (mostly) the same classes, so no matter where I go he will be there 95% of the time, but I am doing what I can.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 OK so you broke up with him… he’s now an ex right? So you didn’t take his abuse then.
You say “my ex is not trying to emotionally abuse me” NO he’s not. He’s an EX he has no power unless you give it to him.
You are still so wrapped up with the ex that you shouldn’t even worry about your crush.
I think the best thing for YOU and your friends to do is IGNORE the stupid behavior of your ex. That’s right IGNORE IT. He’s a 14 yr old boy… he seeks ANY and ALL attention and even negative attention feeds him.
IF YOU IGNORE HIM totally it will stop.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Everything he has done qualifies as emotional abuse.
Good for you for leaving him and moving in with your life!
You should not tolerate any of it. You do this (not tolerating I mean) by not letting his actions and words stop you from living your life. Completely ignore him you take away his power. And it teaches him a lesson that his abusive behavior isn't productive for himself.
Now if he ever does anything criminal then that changes things and you have to involve authorities like teachers and police. Things like physical assault or threats of violence.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Emotional abuse can be all sorts of things really. Him putting you down and making you feel bad or him controlling you. Anything that upsets and hurts you I suppose.
What should you put up with? You don't have to put up with anything. You can hold your head up high and walk away. The right boy for you will treat you right. He will be nice and kind and make you feel good about yourself.
I don't think you have any legal rights against this guy. You do have teachers, if he is upsetting you, you could tell them. You could ignore him and hope he gets bored.
He is only 14 - he is going to be immature and handle this badly. Show him how mature you are and stay strong.
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