A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am completely torn bewteen two girls I am in love with. My first girlfriend of 8 years is the same as as me(31). Everything was amazing in our relationship... except the sex. It was very dull and I tried everything to spice it up(games, dirty talk, romantic baths, etc) but she is just a very passive girl. Eventually I decided to try a break from her and I started dating a 22 yr old and she was amazing as well and the sex was unbelieveable! I mean the most mind blowing sex I've ever had. I dated her for a year but I still had thoughts of my old girlfriend and for someone reason I decided I should give her another chance due to our history. We clicked on every level except sexually as once again it was just boring and it came to the point where I have trouble even reaching an orgasm with her. Now I miss the 22 yr old and I am just confused with what to do. I am tempted to take another breakfrom the 31 yr old but I worry that that would be the last straw with her... is sex something I should overlook with the 31 yr old? Everything else is perfect. Where as sex with the 22 yr old showd no signs of slowing down after a year, but would it eventually die down anyway? I could seriously imagine settling down with either of these girls but I just can't decide and its wearing on me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): I agree with alot of the people who answered. Although sex is not the most important thing, it is important, to both men and women. You can not have a healthy relationship without intimacy or else you will seek it else where. You should try dating other people because it doesn't seem like either of those two are meant for you. I think it is impossible to be truy in love with two people at the same time. So when you do find your true love, you will be sure and she will satisfy all your needs. Good Luck!:)
A
male
reader, Cowboy  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 It wasn't that she didn't initiate it, it was more what happened after that was the problem.
She was rather overweight and very conscious of it. Despite my reassurances, she hated her body. In the whole time I was with her, I never once saw her naked, and she was very passive during sex.
This is going to sound callous, but she put on a LOT of weight shortly after we got together, and I just didn't fancy her as much.
I know that her size shouldn't have made any difference because I loved her so much, but unfortunately that's not the way it works in real life.
That made me feel really guilty because I did love her very much indeed, but I just couldn't become aroused.
In the end, sex became quite an ordeal for me, because I felt that I had to do it or she'd think I didn't love her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): Thanks for the help guys. Cowboy, seeing that you've been there before, was your girl passive as well? My girl just never initiated, but if I initiated she was ready. However she would never send sexy texts, and she only liked missionary. I've even bought her books on sex but they never helped. It just sucks because I've invested 8 yrs too and it kills me at the thought of letting her go. But sex is important to me... not everything but it is something I don't want to live without. But isn't it rue that sex gets old with everyone?
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 So what else does the 22 year old have going for her besides the amazing sex part? You mention nothing about having things in common with her outside the bedroom. You didn't say if she had a brain, understood how you think, shared your same values and goals, so my guess is; she was basically good in the sack and that was all she had going for her. So you're torn between the stability of the 31 yr. old but I don't think you're really attracted to her. She seems like the logical choice, but she lacks some serious "pouf" in the bedroom. Perhaps there is a 3rd choice you haven't considered. Keep looking around until you find a woman who is close to your age, is enjoyable in all the areas that are important to a relationship, but also has some sexual pizzazz. I really doubt either of these women are going to work out in the long run. The 22 yr. old doesn't have enough substance, and the 31 yr old is a great companion, but not really someone you are attracted to. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (30 October 2008):
All good advice, except the part about sex not being that important. It's true that it's not everything in a relationship, but it's still pretty important, especially for men.
I tried very hard to convince myself otherwise because everything else about this girl was perfect, but the situation was simply not sustainable.
There is always the possibility of the third option of course.
While it is correct that there's probably no such thing as the perfect partner, you seem to be in a position in which you know that your current partner is not the right one. The 22yr old is probably also not the right one, because if she was, you wouldn't have left her and got back with the first one.
I just did a quick head count and there are around 6.7 billion people in the world.
I'm pretty sure you can find one that you will be happy with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): Please don't leave 80% for 20%...
Fixing sex is (no pun intended...) doable. You need to make it clear to the 31 year old what your lacking in that department. Give her the opportunity to at least amend your situation before...With an 8 year investment, I think she deserves that much...
That's just a suggestion...I can't tell you what to do but I can testify that trying to adjust someone's personality/demeanor/intelligence (lol) is a much, much harder task...
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A
female
reader, ggl777 +, writes (30 October 2008):
If everything besides the sex is fine with you and your gilfriend i think you should forget about the 22year old and stay with your girlfriend.. You know that your girlfriend will always be there for you and as for the 22year old..u dont really know if she is going to stay with you or like someone else and break up with you..then you will have no one..sex is not everything in a relationship and if you are going to break up with someone you have been with for 8years just because of the sex then im sorry but u are blind.
i think you should do more for play with your girlfriend or find things that will make your sex like better
best of luck..hope it helped
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A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (30 October 2008):
Phew! That's a nasty situation.
I'm sure you'll be berated for feeling this way, so I'm going to jump in first and tell you not to feel too guilty.
I have been in a similar situation to you in that I was with a girl who was truly terrible in bed.
It was so bad that it made me feel really uncomfortable having sex with her, and I began to make excuses.
Thing is, although I wasn't flitting back and forth like you, I had experienced plenty of good sex in the past, and not having that with her made me really miserable.
Sex often starts out bad, then gets better and better as you learn what each other like.
This time it didn't.
There's only so long that you can avoid having sex with a girl until she assumes that you don't love her. Thing is, I really did love her very much.
We eventually split up because I was sick of lying to her. The situation was not sustainable, and although I managed to never cheat on her, I became concerned that I would end up doing so.
I guess that a successful relationship requires compatibility on several levels, and one of them is sex.
If you're completely honest with yourself, can you see yourself being with this woman forever?
You've already strayed a couple of times, and I don't think that will change.
Perhaps it's not really fair on her to keep trying, and you should aim for using your history together as a basis for a close friendship instead.
If you do decide to stay with her, you be sure to send the 22yr old my way ;O)
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