A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm not looking to be judged. I am just looking for some good, sound advice as this situation is not one you can discuss openly. And as happy as it can be, it can also be difficult and very painful. I am not sure how to address this. I hope you will print my post as I suppose married people having affairs seems to cause upset overall with most readers. But just understand you are helping a fellow human being who is human and in pain after all. Something we all feel.I have been seeing a married man for 4.5 years and he's told me he's leaving his wife for me because she's gotten so into a group of conspiracy theorists and going to meetups with them she's abandoned everything in life; her home life, kids, family, responsibilities, old friends, chores, sex.She would spend hours meeting up with these guys and had even exchanged nudes of them but never sent nudes of herself to them. Note that the guys were young guys, 20s to guys aged in their 40s.He's willing to risk ending 26 years of marriage with his wife and kids to move in with me and get together full-time.He said in an ideal world, his wife would have got treatment for the mental issues but she's a skeptic on everything, thinks that "Dr C. Y Coe" as she calls it (psychiatrists, if you don't get the joke) are plants put in by the government to see what we really feel about them and claims there's a pedophile cover-up conspiracy in the highest levels of this government and Putin's government which explains why Putin is who he is. She keeps claiming "Putin wants to see POTUS nude, it's an open secret, despite his supposedly waning libido".Doesn't that theory sound weird/nonsensical?Then he explained how the conspiracy theory talk had gone on for the past 4-5 years and he was getting sick of her spending time and money on this, using family funds for a vacation to meet up with these people and not letting him come on it.I was told by him that I was more than a sex buddy or lover and felt more like an actual girlfriend or wife.He also explained to me how he felt unappreciated a lot of the time, and not just sexually.As it is, I know you'll probably tell me that being with him full-time has its own problems, but yes, we've shared chores together and paid bills, this for his second home in California. He can afford a second home in California, well, one that's not far from Los Angeles anyway. We seem to have similar values on finances and chores when it comes to mundane stuff, but on other things, similar values.I'm a Texan gal who met this guy when on a day trip over the state line into Arkansas. He's from Arkansas, I'm from Texas. I'd gone over the state line to see this restaurant with some gal pals and we went out on a little trip.It wasn't his money that attracted money but his personality.Yes, he's rich but I didn't know it at first.It just all seems so ill fated. Doomed. Even though our feelings for each other are so genuine and deep. Isn't it sad that in life we meet the right person at the wrong time? He is my true love. He changed my life. It has been so hard at times being in love with this man. I love him and sometimes hate him all at once. Although the hate doesn't seem to last long. But I cannot seem to let him go. It would be painful to lose him.So, I think he and I are feeling similar things.I wish we had started out on the right footing. If his marriage was not completely fulfilling, I wish he had left her then. He did tell me early on, about 4 months in, that he was thinking about leaving his wife for me, then he got cold feet.Our feelings are genuine and it's more than just being about sex in a motel/hotel and a nice romantic meal.I guess I don't want to face the world of pain and destruction at the end of the road. I could not bear the withdrawal. And the emptiness of a man I have grown to love in my own way. A man who has been part of my life for a long time. 3.5 years lasts longer than some marriages. It has been very REAL to me.He told me he's now really only in it for the kids and wants me to be stepmom to them because she's "not cut out to be a mom any more and the conspiracy theorist politics stuff shows this". He said he tried but his wife just got so obsessive over conspiracy stuff that she ignored everyday life.He has daughters who I've never met.He's already tried to divorce her, handed her the divorce papers, she's shredded them up and yelled at him "It's a plot by some subversive feminist element of society, get your husband to divorce you because his dick ain't right and he's overweight".But this guy I'm with enjoys fitness a lot and certainly does not look overweight at all, no beer belly at all, more like a six-pack instead.Yes, this is a standard affair. But it comes with its own complications.Now reality is about to come in. I think 4.5 years we've probably had affair fog, even with pandemic.I am sorry I have poured out my heart here. I have nobody to talk to.I am hoping some kind strangers could advise me. I don't care if it's brutal truth it's what I need to, not want to hear which is more important.Why is he feeling the way he is?I don't know what to do for the best.
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affair, divorce, libido, married man, money, overweight Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2022): It is hard. But forget the idea that 3.5 or 4.5 years proves something - it does not. It is much easier to see someone part time for that length of time than live with them full time.
I have a friend who was the secret of a married man for 12 years. She saw this guy for six hours five days a week.
Far more time than he spent with his wife, who he only saw for about half an hour or an hour most days if at all. And that is certain. Yet when push came to shove he decided to stay with wife. Everyone knew that when they were at home together they rarely spoke, but he was used to it, it was his normal, and he was worried of what his grown up kids would think if he left. She ended it then. But she was never hankering to be with him full time. She did not see anything terrific about letting him live there, doing his washing etc. If a full time thing is what you really want then get a single man.
I won't judge you or find fault other than you may be looking in the wrong place for what you really want.
As far as I am concerned he is the one who is in a relationship and made promises he is breaking, not you.
You owe nothing to anybody, you are a free spirit.
No need to waste yourself on someone who is unsuitable though, or impractical. Being the other woman for a married man only works if the woman is busy and or likes to be totally single and does not want it to change.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2022): If I was giving him advice, I would tell him to get his act together, quit cheating like that is the solution to anything, get his wife some help, and be the leader of his family in this tough time they are going through even if he has to seperate from her. That does not mean he is not married and can have affairs.
As for you, you deserve a guy who is available to you and to have a life with you. He needs to end it with his wife legally and start this new life with you if that is what he really means. Making you wait and him having it both ways is not fair. Give him a deadline or tell him you cannot see him again until he is legally divorced.
I know it will suck if it does not work out and you put a lot of time in and you will miss him, but that is not a good excuse to keep torturing yourself.
FYI, i am 14m with only so much life experience but i do have a dad who stuck around when my mom got sick and took care of us. Not exactly the same stituation but he took the for better or worse thing seriously. So I am kind of biased so consider that when you read my advice.
Your friend, Calvin (alias)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2022): I think you’re an escape for him. It does sound like he cares for you, but not enough to leave his wife. Remember, “if they wanted to, they would”. My fear is that you’d end up just being his rebound. Trying joining some Meet Up groups, find people your age or with something in common to meet new people and make new friends. Volunteer, find a new hobby, travel. It’s unhealthy to get so entangled with one person and lose your sense of self. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown  +, writes (6 June 2022):
Sorry but I think your married boyfriend is spouting you a load of bullshit.
Unless you actually KNOW his wife you have no way of knowing whether anything he says about her is true. It's very easy for someone to paint a picture of themselves as a long-suffering victim to a crazy spouse.
It doesn't matter that she tore up the divorce papers. Only a couple of states demand that both parties sign divorce papers (and not the ones you mention). Sure, it might take a little longer to get the divorce finalised but it shouldn't take years and years.
Perhaps he worries that he would lose access to his kids... but the way he paints his wife, she gave up on parenting a long time ago. If that's true, he's the main carer for his children and he would have no problem getting full custody of them. But she's probably not quite as crazy as he makes out. After all, you've never met his children so presumably he leaves them with his wife when he's with you. Why would anyone leave their kids with someone who's crazy and not fit to parent children. It doesn't add up.
Perhaps he's not as rich as he makes out. Perhaps he expects he will lose a lot of money in divorce settlements. Perhaps many of his assets are actually in his wife's name and he can't bear to lose them. Either way, if this is the case, then money is more important to him than you.
So that's my opinion. This guys wife is probably totally normal and he has no intention of divorcing her. But he doesn't tell you that because then you might not stick around and be his mistress any more.
I encourage you to break the relationship off. Sure it's going to hurt and be painful - almost all break-up are. But time heals and we get over it
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