A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend/fiance' for almost 5 years. Things started off amazingly great and he was super loving and attentive. He took me to lots of nice places and bought me some nice gifts. My family and I also gave him nice gifts and took him to USA and other nice places. He proposed about 2 years into our relationship (pre-pandemic) and I accepted; we have religious differences but I was willing to look past these. However, since the last year, our relationship has slowly but seemingly deteriorated. He always wanted me to live with him but I never did pre-pandemic. One of his best friends managed to get him to give up on convincing me by saying that I could get my own place and we could meet up with each other. At the time, we were seeing each other regularly over the weekends so it was fine. We did end up living together during a part of the pandemic. However, it ended up not being practical as I had just started another job. I ended up not staying at his place due to being placed under a work situation that had an adverse effect on my mental health (extreme anxiety that resulted in insomnia). It was not practical for me to walk in the dark to get public transport for work from his place which is why I ended up living away from him. He ended up telling me that I should be able to walk in the dark by myself (he apologised for this remark when he had COVID but later rescinded his apology). He has since been pressurising me to move back in as my new job is closer to his place. He has given me an ultimatum that if I do not move in with him, he will consider breaking up with me and finding someone else for a life partner. The situation has been incredibly distressing and it feels like I have no choice to oblige. I have also been staying at home to help my family and sort a few skill related things. It always ends up being the situation where I always have to travel to his place. He hardly ever travels over to visit me and my family (he is only 30 minutes away from my house). He says that I should move in with him as my folks will eventually pass away and I find this remark rather upsetting. I am an only child and my family members are the only people I have currently. During my 29th birthday, we got into an argument at a restaurant where he blamed me for being late (there were roadworks and I was delayed by 45 minutes, not within my control) and was very unforgiving regarding my late arrival saying that I should have planned this better. He called me names and threw cash money at me in the restaurant. We did end up making up and he did apologise but this event affected me badly. He still thinks he is right about me and my timing (and he thinks he is always right in almost every situation). He has called me names in the past. Sometimes he ends up swearing in front of my family. I tell him not to do it but he still does on some occasions. My fiance' got COVID last year and my mom and I brought him food to support him and called him regularly. He ended up with horrific panic attacks post-COVID (he was tearful and suicidal) and kept demanding that I come over to his place to comfort him. I didn't see him immediately due to the risk of infection and another work situation that had adversely affected my mental health. He was very demanding and insisted that I should be there to comfort him. He ended up blurting this out to his friends and one of them is forever resentful of me (one of his "best" friends still has a grudge against me and is openly resentful towards me, my fiance' still hangs out with him although he claims he does not support his friend's insults against me). Some of his friends/colleagues could not understand why he was making a big deal. I did eventually see him but it feels that I was made to be a huge villain in this situation. He stated that he would have supported me if I got COVID. However, when my family and I got COVID, he didn't even buy me food to support me/didn't call me as much during the isolation period (even though he claimed that he would previously support me). What is worrying is that he was revengeful and justifies that he was right to be angry with me and do what he did. My mom was very happy initially that I was engaged to him and even had our engagement ceremony completed. However, ever since his adverse behaviours towards me, she does not want me to marry him. Since acquiring my new and current job, my fiance' has celebrated this with me. However, he ended up telling everyone about my new job (including the waiters/waitresses at restaurants--even going so far as to revealing my workplace and occupational details!). It made me feel uncomfortable and I told him not to do it. He still kept on doing this regardless. He ended up organising a spa day and restaurant as a part of my birthday celebrations. Whilst it was overall good, I felt that he did not truly consider what I really wanted to do. I tried to negotiated that we do something else but he insisted on taking me to the spa. During lunch with my family, I found out that he had visited a former employer (and also formal family friend) and had divulged details about a sensitive work issue I had experienced which was upsetting. When I told him how this made me felt, he didn't feel that he had done anything wrong. On my birthday as well, he also stated that sometimes he felt like breaking up with me to go and sleep with other girls if I didn't move in with him. I told him I was very upset with him for saying this. He stated that I deserved to hear this. I told one of his friends (another one, not the resentful one) about this and his friend seemed to justify this by saying that he was harsh. However, this friend also stated that I did not appreciate my fiance' enough as my fiance' does not cheat on me (I do appreciate this aspect but I am very hurt my fiance's actions and comments). As I was upset by this, I did not speak to him and blocked his number for a few days (there are times where he calls me at work frequently when I am busy, I have addressed this with him but it does not seem to improve). He worked this out and got upset; we ended up speaking about our relationship problems. However, it felt like it was a conversation about what I did wrong and it felt like he did not do anything wrong. There are times where my fiance' goes to hang out with his friends (they are frequent) and I feel neglected (although we do have times together). He tells me to go and find my own friends (something which I try but is very difficult given my career and work). There are times where I want to spend time with him alone but he turns every situation into a gathering with his friends. He also tells me that I have a mental disorder and that I need to get help (he says that most people do). I have had previous traumatic experiences but I find this hurtful. He is not a medical professional but still insists on this. In light of all of this, my fiance' still claims that he loves me very much and that I do not love/appreciate him. I feel very upset as I feel that he doesn't appreciate me and care for me either. I feel very unenthusiastic about marrying him and find him very upsetting. He has told his friends about our situation and I find it very humiliating. I am wondering if I should break up with him? I am 30+ and I am scared of not ever finding a nice man to settle down with. It feels like all of the good men have been taken and the whole situation has made me incredibly tearful. I appreciate there may have been communication issues but I feel that if he really loved me, he wouldn't be treating me this way.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2022): IMHO, dump the dude. Seriously, you can do better. Marriage is supposed to be forever right. Don't risk forever on someone you have doubts about. If you are not treated well now, he will probably just get worse with time. There are other dudes out there. It might be scary but don't make the wrong move just cause you are scared. I am 14m and i obviously not in your situation but I totally adore my GF and she seems to like me pretty good but if I ever treated her crappy she and her sisters would kick my butt and she would say adios to me. Maybe it is time to say adios.
Your friend, Calvin (alias)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2022): I congratulate you for your immaculate style of writing. Reading your post I felt I am reading one of Emily Bronte letters.
As for my advice I think you guys are not suited for each other. There are already b4 marriage too many issues between you. Don't waste your let go there are plenty more fish in the sea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2022): Both of you have serious mental health issues, this is the real reason you are still settling for each other.Deep down you both know it would be very hard to find someone else. Get yourself sorted with a qualified and experienced therapist and then find someone who is on your level, got more to offer, and won't run a mile.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 June 2022):
 You should never settle for marrying someone because you fear the alternative is staying single. This is not a good reason to marry someone.
For me, the name calling and the inability to understand that some things are private and should not be shared would be deal breakers. Only YOU can decide what is a deal breaker for you.
Given that you already feel "unenthusiastic" about marrying him, I fear you will regret getting married to this particular man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2022):
 I have to agree with FA.
I don't see his actions as someone who doesn't love you. NEITHER of you makes each other your priority. Your priority is YOU, your family, your job - then him. His are HIMSELF, then you.
The thing is you two are bad at communicating. When he tried you shot it down. When you tried HE shot it down.
You two are probably not really all that compatible.
He says and does a lot of things that make you feel horrible.
"I have had previous traumatic experiences but I find this hurtful. He is not a medical professional but still insists on this."
"During lunch with my family, I found out that he had visited a former employer (and also formal family friend) and had divulged details about a sensitive work issue I had experienced which was upsetting. "
" It was not practical for me to walk in the dark to get public transport for work from his place which is why I ended up living away from him."
Honey, you don't SEE him as husband material. You might have at the beginning or first 6 months but after that, you seem to have stuck it out with him because you wanted it to work. Now after 5 years you have come to realize he isn't the right one for you.
And you stick with him for the wrong reason. The scarcity mentality.
"t feels like all of the good men have been taken and the whole situation has made me incredibly tearful."
So you would settle for someone who is NOT a good fit rather than having to start over with someone else?
All the good men are not taken. Some of them find out that their partners are NOT a good fit either. It is BETTER to find that out BEFORE marriage.
Yes, you are 30+ so that works against you on some levels. But does that mean you have to SETTLE for someone you seem to have fallen out of love with and who is NOT a good match?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 June 2022):
 It is always hard to respond to such a long post. You feel that you must be missing some important fact. As I read through your story, I come to a completely different conclusion than you did. Because of that, I feel that there is something I am getting wrong.
In the end you conclude that your fiancé doesn't really love you, you will never find a good man, and you have been misused and humiliated.
On the other hand, I see a series of decisions in your life where you have consistently chosen convenience and birth family over your goal of a long term relationship with a nice man. In fact your fiancé has stated that he feels that you do not love/appreciate him. In his place I would feel the same. He is a distant third priority in your life.
Now I freely admit that I could be wrong. But here is the fact. You feel very unenthusiastic about marrying him. Based on that alone you should break up the relationship. The relationship does not make either of you happy. You are unwilling to give him what he needs. He is, for whatever reason, not filling your emotional needs. QED you are not a compatible couple.
It is not that he is not a good man. It is not that you are not enough. It is that you are not right for each other. Your only reason for continuing this relationship is your fear of being alone. That reason is not enough.
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