A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years now and have only recently come to the conclusion that there is a high possibility that he is dealing with depression. Since December 2015, I have noticed a serious decline in personal hygiene with him. At first, I noticed little things here and there but didn't think it was serious, sometimes he would eat in his room and leave his plate there etc. I have done this before so I didn't think it was the biggest thing to worry about. But as time went on, I noticed his clothes were scruffy, or had stains or just looked unwashed. His bedsheets didn't smell but had not been washed, his room started getting extremely messy, etc.Again, this took a while to happen and I did say that I would not come over to his house unless he cleaned his place, before coming over I would ask him if he had changed his bedsheets/cleaned his room, etc.At the beginning of this year, my interest in sex lowered significantly. I was not up for it, ever. I thought it was a phase but here I am in October feeling the same way. As it was something that came about up suddenly and he is the only person I have had sex with, I didn't really know why I felt like that or what had made my libido decrease . I kept it in and didn't tell anyone, and I was battling it in my brain. As time went on, I felt like my attraction towards my boyfriend started to decrease as well, this was due to his personal hygiene and also the fact that I barely heard from him but I didn't know it at the time. My boyfriend has been quite unreliable with his phone for the past year or so as well. He used to call maybe once or twice a week and he would disappear for 2-3 days at a time where I couldn't get a hold of him as his phone would be dead. (I did not suspect that he was cheating or doing anything shady as I always knew he was at home, in his room, where he always is. And as his sister is someone I am close to, I used to speak to her regularly via text to ask her if she could get him to call me when I couldnt get through to him) I kept trying to discuss it with him and he would constantly apologise and tell me that he would change but it didn't change until I sat him down and said that this relationship is going to end very soon if he continues to ignore my messages and calls or if he just keeps flinging his phone to the side.The sex/personal hygiene thing was something I wasn't fully aware of until last week, when I went to his house and he went to work in the morning and I was in the living room with his brother. We started talking and his brother asked me if my boyfriend's bedroom bothers me, I said yes.That question lead to an intense conversation about how his brother and mum have been extremely worried about him lately and they think that my boyfriend is depressed. The more we spoke, the more I felt like the things I was hearing made sense as to why I was feeling so down this year. Why I felt like I didn't want to have sex with him as you need to be attracted to your partner to have sex with them, and although I am physically attracted to him and find him extremely handsome and sweet, the more his personal hygiene and other things have declined, the less I find him attractive as that is not the person I started a relationship with.When I met him, he was clean, a little bit messy but clean. He tidied up, he did his laundry each week, he changed his bedsheets, he showered twice a day, he ate well, he used to go to the gym, he would socialise, he was going out and meeting up with friends here and there, and so on.Now, he is messy but also dirty. If he eats something or drinks something he will let plates, bowls and cups accumulate in his room, random dirty cutlery on his floor, dirty clothes on the floor, dirty boxers and socks on the floor, he would re-wear the same dirty socks to the point where they are dark brown underneath the foot, he would put all his clothes in a pile on his floor, he constantly loses all of his socks which is why he keeps wearing the same pair, I have found boxers and socks and sometimes items of clothing behind his bed between the headboard and the wall. He also barely socialises, he has lost contact with majority of his friends, and he speaks to maybe one or two, and the only time he sees them is when they come over to his house, but the last time he physically stepped out of the house to see a friend was probably beginning of 2015. He has also lost weight, he has become quite skinny as he doesn't eat properly and when he does eat, he is unhealthy and sticks to takeaway.When I met him, he would smoke weed, this did not bother me as I occasionally did too and he was still functioning and alert and outgoing. But now, all he does is works, smokes weed and sleeps. I did not know the severity of his smoking as I am not at his house with him all the time for me to see what he gets up to. We also rarely tend to go out, I like to stay home and relax so I think that's partially the reason why I haven't picked up on his antisocial habits, but I have noticed that he is always broke. He gets paid about £500 a month and some of that money goes towards cricket, some goes towards food and rent, but he usually has £250 left for the month and I am pretty sure that goes towards weed as he is always left with no money towards the end of the month before pay day. Like I mentioned earlier, we rarely go out for meals and part of the reason for that is because he doesn't have money.I do think the weed smoking is related to his depression as he never smoked that much before. If he is always at home in his room he's likely to smoke more and end up buying more which explains why he has no money.He has also become more sensitive than usual, he has always been affectionate towards me but sometimes he has mentioned that he thinks I am going to leave him or find someone 'better' or 'more suited' to my personality. The more his brother explained how worried he is, the more I understood why I have been feeling down as well. My boyfriend is such an intelligent man and I care about him deeply, and I want to help him in any way that I can.He works Friday - Monday, 6am-10am each day so that's 16 hours a week. He has been applying for jobs and hasn't heard back from anyone and I think this is part of the reason he is depressed as he isn't where he wants to be in life.His dream is to play cricket but as he is almost 24, that dream is slipping away very quickly as it is quite late to pursue a sport. I think deep down he knows that he may never be able to play cricket but as he has an extreme passion and love for it, he isn't willing to give it up just yet, and I care about him so much I also understand why he is fighting for it as that is the only thing in life that he wants to do.He lives at home with his mum, older brother and sister (who just recently moved out to start university in September) his older brother moved back home in June after graduating from university and has picked up on his behaviour in the last few months, he has said he is very snappy and gets extremely irritated over the smallest things. If his mum asks him if he has showered and eaten after she comes back from work he gets annoyed... I know him and his mum have had a rocky relationship from a young age as he mentioned this to me when we first met, but I have also noticed a slight increase in anger.I have no idea what responses I am going to get but I ask you all to please be helpful. I hope people don't tell me to break up with him as that is not where my heart is, and after speaking to his brother, I feel like the things I was feeling and thinking have clicked into place as I know I am not the only one who is seeing it. I want to help him, I am not the type of girlfriend to leave someone because of this, he is clearly dealing with something and suppressing it,I need to find a way to handle this tactfully as I know he is going to deny the fact that he is depressed. I know him pretty well and so does his brother and we both were trying to think of a plan to help him, we know that if one of us sits him down and addresses the situation, he will purposely deny it or pretend everything is okay simply because he has been 'caught out' - that is just how he is. I have not every dealt with someone who is battling depression and as he hides things very well, I don't know the severity of it, but by his actions, it seems like the more he suppresses it, the worse he gets.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 October 2016):
 He could be depressed or he could just have gotten lazy. He is smoking more and more weed that could be giving him a more chilled out effect where he just wants to stay in his room and not want to clean up or wash himself.
You cannot help him unless he wants help. It sounds like he is happy with his routine at the moment. Yes he could be battling depression or anxiety, but if he is not willing to talk to you about how he feels then you are never going to know. He needs to be the one to help himself, yes you can stand by him and support him but you cannot make him see he has a problem.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (9 October 2016):
 I have mixed feelings about your diagnosis for your boyfriend. My level of personal and spatial cleanliness has no bearing on my level of depression. Right now, I would call myself not depressed, but if you went off of my room and friendships, you could come to different conclusion.
When I *have* been clinically depressed, I am pretty good about letting people around me know, because it IS very hard to contain. I would have a heart to heart with him and ASK him where he is right now, maybe bring up things you used to do that you miss and why they haven't been happening? That his family is starting to worry about him, that you're starting to worry about him because you see him withdrawing. Ask how he's feeling, what's going on, why he's withdrawing or changing his routines (I would not phrase "personal hygiene" in there or anything about you being turned off by him right now, it's really not about you). Offer a listening ear. And evaluate, at the end. Is he opening up about what's going on, or not? If he's not opening up, respond that you can't be in a relationship with yourself, and if you don't see a change you may have to move on. If he's opening up about what's going on, thank him, and give yourself a couple of days to determine if you want this for yourself. If it's too much for you to handle, no one is forcing you to stay. If you care about him to the level that you want to support him and be there for him, regroup with him and come up with a plan to get him help. That might mean you take him to a counselor who can diagnose. That might mean you tolerate his mess so that he gets company that he may actually need despite all appearances looking like it's the last thing he wants. That might mean forcing him out of the house because he knows even if it is painful to do, he's happier after doing it. Might mean that he joins an intramural/recreational cricket team. Something. Again, if he's unable or unwilling to strategize with you, then you're going to have to consider what you're willing to take on.
It sounds like his state is already having an adverse impact on you, and so you have to treat yourself well and be self-centered in determining what you think is best for you. In many ways, watching someone else struggle with mental illness can be worse than the person going through it, because you feel very helpless as a bystander. No one should judge your decision either way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2016): Like addicts and alcoholics, you have to give them an ultimatum and prepare to bailout.
A very high percentage of posts on DC are from women trying to fix the broken and messed-up men in their lives. Caring for and loving people is misplaced when you attach your feelings to damaged people who can't see they have a problem. Even worse when they refuse to even try, as a way to demonstrate their love in return.
So sticking around will only damage you; and you won't be a decent match for someone who does have their lives in order. Good people don't deserve to be burdened with silly people who got screwed-up by poor choices and blatant stupidity. They deserve no less than what they are able to give willingly and lovingly. You can have compassion for people without allowing their poorly-handled lives to bring yours down. You separate from them when they make no effort to save themselves. One-sided relationships are lonely.
People who refuse to seek help sometimes don't have the finances, healthcare coverage, or simply fear medical treatment. You must undergo an evaluation and analysis for a proper mental-health diagnosis. People fear both the stigma of mental-illness, and having someone digging around in their brains for answers. Men especially hate going to the doctor. Many die because they wait too long to seek medical treatment.
Don't remain in a situation that will ultimately break your spirit and even affect your own mental-health.
Let him know the only way you feel you can remain close is knowing he is seeking professional-help. Then gather the courage and common-sense to move on. You must let him go.
Support should be appreciated. Not something poured down a bottomless pit.
Being a martyr and his life-long caretaker is not good for either of you. It is a waste of life and your precious time.
Love is only good when it's healthy and viable. Not when you try to use it like medicine or a way to change people to be or do what you want them to. We all have free-will, and if someone prefers to piss their lives away, don't stand in their way.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 October 2016):
 OP, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but bear with me....
You *can't* help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
My boyfriend and I *both* have severe depression and have done for most of our lives. He's been on and off anti-depressants, recently going back on them because he recognised that he was struggling and decided to give them another go. I've never tried them. We support each other, but we're only able to while we both want the support.
Depression is a massive void or suction of happiness. It's a daily battle for all involved, but it's ultimately down to the individual to admit their problems and seek help. If you talk to him in person about how he's feeling and he won't seek help, there's nothing you can do.
Sit with him and ask him gentle questions, see if his family will *gently* do the same, one-on-one, privately. If he won't get help, you can't sink your own life for him and a break up is inevitable.
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