A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I've been with my boyfriend for a little while now. We were friends beforehand, but things changed and now, I'm very happy with him. We share everything, and I'm not afraid to tell him how I really feel, which is certainly new of a relationship for me. I'm so used to hiding who I really am and building up all these walls, but he gets past them so easily. It's wonderful, really, but there's a problem:I think I'm abusive.Now I know what you're thinking. Most people KNOW when they're abusing someone, but I really don't. He tells me I'm not, but it feels like I am. Let me explain.I have a habit of being very sarcastic at almost all times. In addition to that, I have a hard time letting myself be "girly", not really allowing for any romantic moments if I can help it. Whenever I miss him or I want to tell him how much I love him, I always end you counterbalancing it with something mean, like "I love you so much that I could listen to you talk about absolutely nothing for hours and still be content... but this topic is boring and you're a dummy, jacka-s." I don't know why, but I can't just stop at the nice part, I always have to add the rude bit.It's as if I'm afraid that he'll think I like him. It's like kindergarten all over again! I love this guy, okay? I do. He's so wonderful to me, and he understands all of my baggage and never pushes me towards something I'm not ready for. When I ask if I'm too mean, he says it's cute, and I'm just acting "tsundere", meaning I try to hide my more mushy-gushy feelings by acting cold and distant.However, even if he thinks it's cute, I don't want to lose him because it stops being adorable. How do I stop this? I don't want to lose him because I can't stop being a b-tch. What should I do? How can I stop myself from pushing him away? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, adabee  +, writes (30 November 2016):
I do the same thing. He and I talked about it a few weeks ago, and I was trying. But he just dumped me. He said I'm mean and that I embarrassed him in front of his friends. I honestly didn't mean to do that, but it doesn't matter now.Your man might be hurt by it more as he grows to loves you even more. Get yourself in a good feelings place (meditate, have tea, get a pedicure, whatever it takes) and tell him really from the heart that you love him and are afraid you are hurting him. Ask for his help in being less hurtful. If he brushes it off or tells you not to worry, tell him it's for you because you want to be better at expressing how much you care. And let him talk.It's really awesome that you know yourself like this. And yes, you probably are afraid that he will think you like him. When someone knows you love them, they have a little power to hurt you. And it's really scary to trust someone with that power. Why not tell him you're scared of that? I would suggest googling things like how to be more vulnerable and how to trust more in relationships.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2016): Control yourself girlllll! My bf used to do that to me and i did it back to him. At first its all fun and games but sometimes it goes to far that you might hurting his feelings. At least thats how i felt when my bf did it to me. I told him that he was like verbally abusing me and at one point i cried cuz it wasnt just like teasing or sarcastic things, it came out as insults. So I would recommend if you'll try to die it down. You love this guy dont you? Try :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 October 2016):
 You have a barrier up because either you have low confidence in yourself so you are mean to him, or else you are scared off getting hurt. Either way it is not great to be mean all the time. Sure we are all sarcastic to our partners but if it gets to a point where you are never nice and always need to bring him down while giving him a compliment then it is time to change. You don't mention how long you have been together but it sounds like you are afraid off getting hurt. So take things slowly. Build up trust in him, start by small compliments and try to not be negative or bring him down, as yes it might be cute now but it won't always be like that.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (10 October 2016):
 Your age has a lot to do with it. I was sarcastic and mean for a bit into my late teens however. After a lost love, the passing of my mother, adopting kittens, having friends after friends, adventures and travels, my heart has opened up and I am so loving and sweet now. I can still be funny in my own time alone or with siblings but with everyone else, my love is like a river. It flows and it comes back twofolds. I talk about love and hope and its sugary but its sweet and intelligent as well.
Im at a much better place in my life as well and in my thoughts and feelings. So I think aging might help you a bit or at least give you a diff perspective. =) Good luck
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (9 October 2016):
 Bite your tongue lady! He will get tired of your mouthiness and look elsewhere. It's not smart. Aim it where it might do some good not at the one you love. What gives you the right to endless put downs?
It has become a habit. and one you consciously need to break. How would you like it if someone was on your case the whole time? Think before you speak.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 October 2016):
 At least you are now aware of what you do and how it may hurt him. I suspect that, as you come to trust him, you will drop your defences slowly, because that is what your behaviour sounds like. Your guy sounds wonderful and understanding. Have you had this conversation with him so that he understands why you say the things you say? Opening up to someone can feel very scary at first and make you feel very vulnerable. That is what love is all about. We make ourselves vulnerable and put trust in the other person not to hurt us. You are trying to do this but just bottling at the last second and having to make a joke out of it in case it goes wrong. It is, of course, entirely possible that your bloke actually feels more comfortable with the way you make a joke out of things as he, too, isn't yet comfortable with the "heavy" stuff.Talk to him. And good luck.
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