A
female
age
36-40,
*isa4u
writes:HiIts funny i didnt even think i will be ever coming to these site.i am asian i just turned 24 i have been married for 7 years now.i never approved with me marriage because it was forced by my parents.i just turned 17 when i got married because i did a stupid mistake. but i guess we learn from our mistakes and parents are there to justify your mistake and help you out.But in my case it was there and gone.My mum was supportive but shes scared of her my dad with his anger and just the person he is.I went out with a guy who was worthless but when you are a age you do mistakes.i runner way from home and then my parents got me back saying they will do whats best for me and let me get married to him.I never new the guy was just a abuser, going out with me for fun, but when you are lonely and depressed and someone comes along to hold you, you think they are everything to you.All my friends use to say why are you dating a guy who is not worth the hassel, but me being stupid sticking to him as i thought he was the love of my life.He played behind my back with other girls, but i forgave him because i had no one else.I guess i just wanted love and affection as everyone else wants it.well i came home the very next day, then my parents took me abraod not having a say on what i want and how i want it. I felt like a prisoner that there is no way out and suicidal.But as time went 6months abroad being depressed and just not knowing what to do i just had to get married.I thought as time went and i will have a loving husband who will understand me for who i am, i will have a sucessfull marriage.Dont get me wrong 1st year it was ok,then i applied for him to come to london, he came i got pregnant and had my baby.After having my baby i started working then everything started as if spoke to someone(male) or my uncles my husband use to have a argument with me saying why am i talkin....etc.It was like am not even doing nothing so why are questioning me.He use to be suspecious everytime when i use to do something.The love i had for him all went for the person he was being. The sex was all fake for me.when he wanted sex i would give it but with no emotion.from thThen i start having affair with my close friends that i use to know before i got married, with no string attached.I felt that guilt of not being a loyal wife and not being devoted.But then soon everything stopped because my husband wanted me to stop working, which meant i couldnt see anyone.Times all gone now and everything remians the same.I have 2 kids now, and am just out of head wanting to get out from the marriage. I tried talking to my mum she goes i should be stop being selfish and think about my kids.They love there dad and don't take that away from them.But us being typical muslim we cant get out. Am suffercating i juts dont know what i should do.Am thinking about everything, sociaty,my family back chatting especially my families got all girls in th ehouse (my sisters), who will marry them etc.Help please
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affair, depressed, muslim Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Nisa4u +, writes (24 August 2010):
Nisa4u is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEven if i do decide to get a divorce i will no way go back to my previous lover of even be having fun.
Everyones misunderstanding me when i meant to have FREEDOM!
I know i will be much more of a better person if i am out from the marriage. Be a good mother. Feed and support my kids.
Learn my dean and just try to get along with me life. Not meaning affairs or sex.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Great advice Lovegirl and the other aunts.
As I said before, it's because of the bad behaviour that Nisa has ended up in this position. Marriages, whether arranged or not needs hard work, loyalty, and commitment. Thank you all for reminding me, that because of her behaviour Nisa may take the idea of "freedom" as an excuse to be a bad wife.
I'm not from the Muslim culture, but Muslim women in my life find that when they get education, work or do voluntary stuff, they become more responsible, more giving and understand more about life. For me keeping a woman at home will make her a child. She needs to at least go out with her mother and sisters who will watch over her and teach her how to be happy in marriage and be a good wife and mother. She will learn to bring honour to herself as a strong and moral woman. At home alone while he works, she gets bored and complains.
But the husband must also change, he now lives in Britain and he no longer needs to provide everything for his family when his wife is able to work as well. I told this to my Muslim friend, his wife got education and a job, she was able to put food on the table when he could no longer work. Seeing her loving strength, he began to love her and respect her more than ever... he no longer looks at blonde girls because he has a goddess at home.
Nisa, this I wish for you, a strong family home with love and joy where your daughters can grow up and learn to make you proud.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): Nisa, you were not forced , you had an arranged marriage. just as no one forced you to have AFFAIRS, you now chose to. you seem somewhat troubled so yes talk to an elder or a professional but one thing needs to end : and that are the affairs. you say it has ended but what stops your hb from finding out.
you blame your hb for everything. i am not judging you but sleeping around is just not good. if you do not respect your hb , then start respecting yourself.
you claim that your hb is paranoid that you were having affairs. the fact is you were not slepping with the men he accused you with, but you were having sex with other men. you want your freedom, yes? freedom to run wild? i am not getting you. your life is not a prison . you want to be a good time girl but please think CAREFULLY.
You think that your freedom is all about going out and having fun. NO, freedom is so much more.
What made your hb change towards you. you both seemed to love each other initaliiy, WHAT HAPPENED. AND please don ot say, i do not know. What did you or he do to make him do a 360. obviously major trust issues here but why is he so suspicious and so paranoid.
read all the stories here from both men and women who cheat and destroy their homes. is this what you want for yourself. i think the other Anon male is right, perhaps you will actually harm yourself if you get this so called freedom you desire. why? because you cannot handle it. i dont know, seems like i am judging you but i cannot think of anything else. Are you 100% sure your hb does not know about your affairs, is this why he has turned against you? are you an attention seeker by nature?
I think you have this airy fairy concept of love and you yearn for it. there is nothing wrong with this concept but to have it destroy you in the process.
OK, you decide to bale and then what? who will support you. Miamine has given you excellent advise and suggestions. Then what? do you take your babies too? do you love them? i mean really love them? you hate their father, are you not bitter about them now? just asking? so plse dont get angry with my questions. If you go to work, you will start running wild again. Girl, think about your future and then decide what to do. Yes you are crying out for help but if you have to make drastic decisions it means hurting everyone, your kids too.
I really feel for you kid, i do but something is amiss here. For starters you had an almost loving marriage. BUT something drastically changed in your hb. trust issues. respect issues, dammit faithfulness is an issue.
how many more affairs before this all blows up in your face. or it will blow up in your face without any more affairs if your hb finds out you have been screwing around. you never even loved these men , just sex to you? what are you doing to your young life.
you cannot always blame your husband, your parents and anyone else for all your issues. part of growing up is accpeting responsibility and ultimately becoming accountable for your actions. (I feel so old just telling you this)
What have you learnt from any of this drama? anything???
"But look at me, am comitting all the sins because of my husband. He put me through all the griefs. Even before i started work he started being worked up and being suspecious even then when nothing was going on.(my affairs didnt go on then)......" stop blaming others kid. You need to say i DID WRONG AND NOW I AM WORKING TOWARDS DOING THE RIGHT THING.
You say you do the bills, everything for your hb, isn't this what spouses normally do. the housework, pay the bills, basically normal mundane stuff. who do you expect to cook, clean, pay the bills. at least he is working. hey soon you will blame this man for the sun shining. Hum you are complaining about EVERYTHING. be realistic.
i have not walked in your shoes but Nisa, with him being so wrong and doing everything wrong, what have you done right? cooked, playing faithful wife. good daughter in law. my babes, how about winning your hb over with love, affection, tenderness, warmth, good words, compliment him. perhaps he too is trying to communicate but it is hard for him. i dont know a mans mind, maybe he is also unsure. he is worried that you are misbehaving therefore he behaves the way it does. (doesn't excuse it though)
get a divorce and go do your own thing, but don't self destruct in the process.........i hope the above just gives you some food for thought.
what exactly do you want and say you get it:your freedom! will you run back to the 1st lover. you ran away from home. or the new lovers at work. or find yourself a new man? What will Nisa do if a miracle happens and you are freed from this marriage???????????
- LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy +, writes (23 August 2010):
Why dont you tell us exactly whats going on inside you?...pls tell us everything.
I try not to judge people.
Look forward to yr reply
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
There is a big difference between a FORCED marriage (which is illegal) and an ARRANGED marriage. There is nothing wrong with arranged marriages and many millions of people remain happy and build love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): Hello lady
I am Asian and i know arranged marriages. Arranged marriages are the way which more than 50 % of the world practices. So obviously it is not good to just blame your arranged marriage and your parents, who arranged that in the situation that you were in. and obvioulsy is is not your DH's fault either.
Any way i can see that how every one carries the results of his or her good or bad KARMAs in his or her life. In this case past is not leaving you even now in one or other way. This is why you need to be very careful in your good and bad deeds. I know it is hard to know what i am doing good or what i am doing bad. But i know that some where at deep down your heart, you know what you are and what you did.
I would say that best future you can get in your future is by choosing you to become a good wife to your husband and good mother to your kid as compared to running after your fantasies. Confess to GOD and ask for forgiveness and same time forgive to every one else that you thing are the bad to you and be normal for your whole life. Believe me that they are not as bad as you think they are.
Else you will do more harm to your life.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
Nisa, I have heard this story before, many Asian girls behave like you and then suffer when their parents take over and force them into marriage.
FORCED MARRIAGES ARE ILLEGAL IN THE UK, they are also illegal in the Asian countries. Pity you didn't know where to get help when you were young and alone. The UK police and government will now rescue Asian teenagers who are taken abroad and forced into marriage..
But that's the past.....
You say that for a year you found happiness in marriage. That is good, that means there is room there for you and him to work together if you want to continue the marriage and remain happy. Do you think you could love, respect and remain faithful to him if he starts treating you better? Or has things got so bad that you hate him and now want a divorce?
You need to get back into work. It is dangerous for any woman, Asian, white or black to be totally dependant on a man and trapped in the home. Your kids are probably young, so may still need you there. But there is no reason for you to be stuck at home alone without any support.
I want you to go back to college and take a course. Or pick up a part time job, cleaning, working in a shop, any little thing that will get you out. Or maybe join a woman's asian group... I don't care what you do, I just need you to get out and start meeting other people and getting out of the house.
Talk to your health visitor, tell her what's going on and ask her if there are any women's groups that you could join. It is very, very important that you do things outside the home. Being trapped inside and dependant on your husband is a very bad place to be.
If you can't get some freedom, then please start spending more time outside with your mother and your family. You need to get stronger, a better education (your writing isn't very good) some friends outside of the home, and a life and some goals.
Yes your Muslim, but you are also living in Britain. You have to be a British Muslim, traditional but also modern. Talk to your health visitor first and tell her your trapped at home and feeling like your in jail. A better education will help you, it will open the doors to give you more independence, it will allow you to experience things, and give you the confidence to stand up to him.
If things are very bad, then yes, call the police and ask to be moved to a woman's shelter (it might not be Muslim) They will help you to move away from family and your community safely.
Many, many British girls have lived just like you. Many of them get educated, get skills, learn to fight back and become independent.
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A
female
reader, Nisa4u +, writes (23 August 2010):
Nisa4u is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you for all advices its been appriciated well.But in my case you think about your kids, and I know that but what happens that they see all this arguments between the mother and father everyday. Do you think its healthy for them to grow like that?Marriage is not boredom and its not having fun!But couples should both work in to it.But if one is only tryin i don't see no point and its not only that.I do everything for him. I have to do the bills, shopping, you name it and i do all that. Its like his not even bothered about the worldFair enough i know his loving towards the kids and his there, but in the long term what about me?Its said that marriage couples that are loved up and cared for then allahs blessings are there with them.But look at me, am comitting all the sins because of my husband. He put me through all the griefs. Even before i started work he started being worked up and being suspecious even then when nothing was going on.(my affairs didnt go on then) so tell me where was i wrong then when nothing happened, he put me where i was.its easy giving advices but hard to understand someones views and feelings.Come on you tell me if you are speaking to your own uncle is that having affair. If you are sitting down and generally laughing with you brother is that having affair. You guys just dont know what kind of a sick man he is. I cant even go out for a meal with my own sisters because he thinks different.Even if i wanna go out with him for a meal he goes only bad girls go out to eat with the husband. I mean be reall his my husband????So its a question mark. No one knows but only me whats going on inside me.Thank you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): To Nisa and the Anon male whom she was riled with:
i hear both sides.
Nisa, doing so called wrong at home and then being sent overseas for your wrong doing is hard on a young girl. but you made your wrong decisions again, babe, when you strayed from your marriage and started seeking excitment elsewhere. meaning sleeping around at work. having sex with another man is not tolerated generally, but in your culture, you should know better. how did you expect to work on your marriage while having an affair. so now you are stuck. if you behaved like a good wife, without the sexual nonsense your hb would not be suspicious and now you are stuvk at home.
your life is not a death sentence. maybe you need to start changing your attitude, and that is half of the battle won, you say you loved your hb the 1st years and then what happened? boredom, routine? seems to me you like the "good " life of fun, fun fun and parties? i dont know whether you even know what love is.
what now happens to your 2 kids. is their father a bad man. No. his kids love him. he provides adequately. is his expectation of a faithful wife too unreasonable? NO.
Do whatever you have to do to be happy, but please do not destroy your kids lives. you have itcy feet and i think it is bec you were forced to marry at a young age. your parents were so afraid that you may bring disgrace into the family, so they shipped you off.
i know you have missed out on a lot but why are yo disrescting your marriage now? whether Muslim or not, marriage is sacred and you need to learn this. please do not blame your hb, dear Girl you need to grow uo a bit.
To the Anon Male, i don't think Nisa is hearing what you are saying. Yes she blames her husband but no matter what we both tell her, she has closed her ears.
Arranged marriages are not a death sentence. Relationship introductions are not a death sentence. People are making millions put partners together. there is no stigma attached to arranged relationships.
trust i have not disrespected anyone.
Take Care
- LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Nisa4u +, writes (22 August 2010):
Nisa4u is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell my brother
ho wrote the annoymous on 21st august. I appreciate your answer but you actuall no way on earth no what i am going through.
Because of what my husband has been doing with me emotionally, i have been doing all this.
I was never like this but only my husband made me like this. Everyone wants to be honest and perfect in the marriage, but when someone keeps and keeps on attacking them ith wrong intentions you just hav it up to their.
I know no one is perfect in the marriage but togther we have to try. But in my case i have done all that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): Dear sister
1) You are at fault for most of the things. You decided to cheat on your husband.
2) You were having sex with your pre-marriage lover, when you were doing the job. So there is chance that you husband is right in being extra careful on what kind of talks you do with other men. So in my view, he is right in his things.
3) You really need to ask your soul and conscience on what is right. Do you and your parents really did right thing with that gentleman guy, who is your husband. You mentioned that you mother knows about your affair.
4) In my humble and honest opinion, it should be your husband, who should be suffocating in the marriage and he certainly need and deserve a better wife, who is faithful and honest with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): Your situation sounds very difficult to deal with. I appreciate that your family have certain cultural values, but at the same time, you are part of 21st Century UK life and surely deserve to be happy in your marriage and to be with a man who treats you with respect? Would your husband consider relationship counselling with an organisation like Relate?
Did you agree to the marriage? If it was a forced marriage, there is help out there: http://www.fco.gov.uk/en/travel-and-living-abroad/when-things-go-wrong/forced-marriage/information-for-victims
Have you got any sisters/cousins/friends that you can talk to about it all? If not, it might be worth calling the Samaritans, who can listen and may be able to advise on agencies in the UK that support women in similar situations (08457 90 90 90 or email [email address blocked]).
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy +, writes (19 August 2010):
Hi there,
If you cant resolve things with yr hubby/family then :-
I think that you have two options
1) Speak to the Imman @ yr mosque and see if he can help you resolve things in a peaceful/ammicable way.
or
2) You need to get out of the house and maybe move to an (Asian) womens shelter and then start divorce proceedings.
Good luck I hope that things work out
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