A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 24 years old and I am a virgin. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I love him with all of my heart and want to marry him but I am so scared to have sex. I was raised in the church and to think that sex is bad. I am scared that I will have a hard time having sex even after I get married. I just have this idea in my head that its bad and that I am supposed to wait and that it will hurt so bad. But my boyfriend is now starting to feel unloved and blame himself. He says he doesn't know how much longer he can go without expressing our love in that way. I don't feel ready yet but I don't want to lose him. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons and he cant understand why I feel this way. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Okay, several things here. First of all, you don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to. Do only what you're comfortable with. YOUR BODY YOUR RULES. You're worth the wait, and taking it slowly is worth it for you too. If he's not willing to wait for you, he's not the kind of man you want to be with anyway.
Second, make sure you're safe. (Condoms, birth control, etc.)
Now, here's the easy part. ALL of us were beginners at one point, and some guys find that part really sexy. Don't pretend to know more than you know, and be willing to laugh at your own mistakes.
Rule of thumb: if it hurts, make him stop. If he says "ow" then you stop.
Keep the communication open. The best relationships are the ones where you can tell him EXACTLY what feels good, and he can do the same for you. DON'T expect him to read your mind, and don't let him expect that from you. You can always ask "how does this feel?" He should be asking you this too, unless it's beautifully obvious that you're enjoying yourself.
And make sure there is laughter during the process. Relax and play. (Lubrication will help, lol.)
This is a journey. Have fun at all the stops. Don't be in such a rush to get there, and don't let him rush to the finish line either. It'll happen. And you'll learn how to have fun along the way. Good luck hon.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Jeese Louise, you are worrying about nothing here. You need to chill, if sex hurt so bad nobody would do it and this site would be history. Relax, have a glass or two of wine and go for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): It's now time to get married. You love each other, he wants to have sex. As someone said, get married and have sex. Unless your having doubts about marrying him, or you have problems you haven't told us about, marry him already and have fun.If your worried about the wedding night, then don't. It's the best part. Think of it as your reward for taking things slowly to build a good life with the man you love. Probably better to wait until the morning after the wedding, when the sun is out (in god's glory, so to speak) and you can be explore each other's bodies, with the full backing of your church. It should not hurt too much if you are happy and relaxed, take your time, you've got a whole lifetime together. The bible is actually a great source of advice. The Songs of Solomon, are a celebration of sexual love. I know them by heart and whisper them into my partners ears.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I was in the same boat as you......Get married first and then everything else will fall in place.....trust me its worth the wait......jesus loves you.....live a life thats pleasing to god...read your bible its your instruction book......im 30 been married 2 years this coming october. sex is great.....and didnt hurt that bad...it was worth it....the have alot of how too. books you can get at the book store....some friends of mine gave them to me at my shower before I got married so I was able to do a little reading up
Best Bless........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I was in the same boat as you......Get married first and then everything else will fall in place.....trust me its worth the wait......jesus loves you.....live a life thats pleasing to god...read your bible its your instruction book......im 30 been married 2 years this coming october. sex is great.....and didnt hurt that bad...it was worth it....the have alot of how too. books you can get at the book store....some friends of mine gave them to me at my shower before I got married so I was able to do a little reading up
Best Bless........
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A
male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (7 May 2008):
Sex may not be love, but it is certainly the most special expression of love. There is more to intimacy than sex - the joy of skin to skin contact, gently touching each other in the most connecting ways. There is a physical progression that leads to sex, and I have no idea how far along your comfort zone extends. Marriage today is a blind commitment to a three way contract between the man, the woman, and the state. Much of marriage law is not common knowledge, yet both people are held to it. Sex is important and in fact, a marriage is not consummated legally until first sex. Unfortunately, without sex before marriage, neither of you know what you are getting into. I don't have your answer, but perhaps a choice: Get married now, or allow a gentle progression toward sex, allowing it, yet not requiring it. Just don't wait and be celibate forever - sex is beautiful and is a terrible thing to waste. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): sex is not love.. if u love a person more than God than u don't deserve the Lord to bless ur marriage life. according to the bible u should get married & then have sex,,and as u'd just mentioned that u guys wanna get married why don't u just go ahead and get married to each other and live a pure life in the eyes of God.TRUST ME HAVING A HOUSE, FUTURE & CHILDREN BLESSED BY THE LOVE OF THE LORD IS PRISELESS.you should explain this to him not as something that u were raised on but as knowing the truth of the fruitful and lasting relationship according to the living God who has cleared the right way to us, which if we follow ,we would really be blessed & blessing to people around.
and if he loves u he would understand and wait,& do the right thing in the right time.
i know it's hard to do so, but ONLY by the help of God by putting ur trust in him & asking Him in a prayer to come
to ur hearts and start a relationship with both of u guys, desiring to live for the Lord,, trust me God would take over, take care of everything and blesses ur wonderful marriage future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): You said "I don't feel ready yet but I don't want to lose him."
That's pretty much the biggest red flag that you could possibly have said about this.
Regardless of your age or whatever, it sounds to me like you're just not ready yet. And if you can't keep him without sex then you can't keep him with it either.
Maybe you really just need to get married?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): I was raised in a religious home as well, although I was never taught that sex was bad- how can it be? I was taught that it was just about the context. Sex within marriage is safe, secure, and the best environment for happy, healthy sex.
I also have been with my bf for a few years, not as long as 5- I don't know if I can wait that long to get married!- and I'm a virgin at 23. I'm impressed you've managed to wait that long, it's starting to become an issue for us. Not for my bf- he's always said that he loves me too much to let his 'desire' for me get in the way of his love for me, and I know he'd wait for ever.
If you have concerns, you've waited this long- are you likely to get married any time soon? Talk it through with him, so that you're both prepared for the fact that it will take a while for everything to click (the first few times will likely be painful and maybe uncomfortable and you both need to be patient). If you're going to get married, you've got years to work it out!
And having come this far, being together for so many years, or if you get married, how can it be wrong to as you put it 'express your love in that way'. As long as you're careful, and patient, don't make yourself feel bad about it.
I do genuinely think that God gave us our bodies to enjoy as well as to procreate. It's exactly like food- we need it, but ultimately, good, fresh healthy food eaten at the right time will nourish our bodies and soul more than eating any junk when it comes across us! The same as sex- being sexually liberated and smart, and thinking about your long term happiness and conscience, as long as it's in the right context (a loving, healthy, long term relationship) then that will be best.
Sorry for long answer- I'm just going through these things myself at the moment!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): Have you ever heard that sex is healthy?So..stop losing sex life..you are so young..Sorry but i'm just wondering 5 years how this guy is with you..i mean is not bad to be with you but 5 years he must love you so much!that's why is your time to show him your love!don't hear what the others say!Do what you feel!
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (26 April 2008):
 Listen Hun, Stop listening to all these F***ING PURITANS who think sex before marriage is wrong and dirty. If you and your boyfriend want to have sex then so be it, in my book you are in a loving commited and healthy relationship. Sex is fantastic when you are with someone you love and care for.
I am a Christian myself, but I hate these BLOODY HOLIER THAN THOU HYPOCRITES who thinks they can run people's lives and expect them to live by a book.
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A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (26 April 2008):
 Sex is not bad my dear its just wrong at the wrong time. People in the church try to scare ppl from having sex outside of marriage by labelint as bad. Just know that sex outside of marriage has risks. Example, STD's unwanted pregnancy however even if ur married, your spouse can have an affair and bring something home but the chances of that are slim. As the other person replied, if u have waited so long why rush it. Just get it out of ur mind that sex is bad, sex is really good but its best enjoyed with someone that is commited to you and loves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): please please please
since you have made plans to get married then he should be able to wait a little longer.i'm so proud of you!!!not so many people can boast that they got married as vigins!!!my goodness!that's like a life achievment nowadays!!to say i got married a virgin!!im stil very amazed sorry for my excitement.
yes sex outside marriage is bad as it dipleases God, and trust me you wana be in Gods good books.just pray about it and talk to your husband to be and i pray you'd be fine!amen
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): Why are you still a girlfriend after 5 years? Anyway, you'll be great as a wife or lover during sex...don't worry!
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (25 April 2008):
 Any church teaching that sex is bad is talking out of their backside. There is no religion that I know of whose teachings are that sex within marriage is wrong or bad. Christianity teaches without a shadow of a doubt that sex in marriage is not only good but something to be rejoiced in (there are numerous pasages in The Bible, but check out The Song of Solomon for some of the best). Also, there is nothing that specifically outlaws sex outside marriage - only "fornication", which really refers to sex without a proper, lasting relationship.
If your church has taught you that sex is bad, then let's all hear which church it was. Name it and shame it, and I'll post details on every Christian forum across the Internet - and any other forums I can find. Even if your religion isn't Christian, my commments still apply.
Now that really has made me angry.
For clarification on the Christian view, see www.2-in-2-1.co.uk but keep in mind that some of the people there may be a little over-zealous in their views of what is and what isn't acceptable to them. There are also forums there specifically for discussion of sex within a Christian marriage (the site seems to be down at the moment, but I'm sure it will be back up soon).
And for further clarification, I can assure you from personal experience that without any shadow of doubt, SEX IS WONDERFUL. Marry him, and get some.
Susan.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (25 April 2008):
 First of all, if you don't feel ready yet - then don't do it. Period.
Secondly, congrats on holding out this long. That is very commendable.
Thirdly, I'm sorry to hear that you have be taught to believe that sex is bad. Sex in no way is BAD! Sex is the most wonderful pleasure given to us. It is to be entered into as much as possible (with your husband, of course), whenever possible. Sex is great. It's when you start allowing the pressures of the world to influence your decisions when sex becomes bad. That's when STD's, unwanted pregnancies kick in - because sex feels so good, they want it with any and everybody. That's bad.
I think waiting until you are married is something that you can continue to look forward to. You will need to talk to your boyfriend and let him know that this is important to you and you still want to be with him, but you're not willing or ready to engage in sex yet - or at least until you're married. Then, together, come up with ways that you two can spend time with each other and show each other you love one another without having sex. It CAN be done, don't let anyone tell you different.
Lastly, let your boyfriend know that sex does not equate to love - which is based on your statement "...But my boyfriend is now starting to feel unloved and blame himself." Sex is NOT love. You can show your boyfriend that you love him without giving him sex. But if he isn't willing to accept your gifts of love that aren't sex....I think you know where I'm going with this.
Hope this helps.
PM me if you want to talk more.
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