A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dead Cupid,I'm in a long term relationship. Engaged last year, will be married next year. I don't know if it's a phase? But I'm starting to get sick and tired of my fiancé's attitude. He always pioritise his friends and will always second me. He always wakes up super late (called him 50+ times) for our date, till I have decided to forgo the date. When I get angry he will change for awhile and return back to his ways. I'm at the point whereby i really cannot be bothered to even get angry. I have started doing things on my own because I think it's better that way. I feel more efficient when I do things on my own than hope for someone. I'm starting to feel comfortable in this space that I realise I don't really need him. I really feel like I don't need to meet him as much due to the tendency of me being mad at him is high. We have not met for a month.My fiancé is a great guy. He is funny, loving and thoughtful. I love him but I don't know if I still love him as much. I can get by the day not knowing anything about him. Because each time we talk we will argue. Is everything I'm going through normal? What should I do?
View related questions:
engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (4 March 2014):
 When you love someone you want to spend every minute you can with them. You'll go to any lengths to be with them. I'm wondering if perhaps your long term relationship has caused you both to take each other for granted. You haven't mentioned his age, so I'll just guess he is mid-twenties like you. If he is, he could be enjoying his last days as an unmarried man to party and be with friends before he marries next year. That's normal. But both of you need to MAKE time to be with each other and cultivate the relationship. You're already unhappy about the way things are, can you do anything about it? Are you able to arrange your schedule so that you can be with him more? I know he breaks the dates and lets you down and that's just rude of him, but one month is too long to not see each other - because like you said, you are beginning to feel you don't need him. Perhaps throw everything you can into it, really make an effort to be with him, and if he keeps breaking the dates and he doesn't pull himself together, then you can end it knowing that you've done all you can. Good luck, wish you all the best!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): how can he be thoughtful if you haven't seen him in a month? certainly he hasn't been giving you much of his thoughts... Once you get married it does not get better, generally it's the opposite. Some men tend to take their wives for grated, difference is: your fiance already does that.
" I don't need to meet him as much due to the tendency of me being mad at him is high. " And yet you still wanna live with him? be married to him? If you are always arguing is better to cancel the wedding at once, because it will only get worse.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 March 2014):
Normal? Maybe or maybe not. That's not as important as if you're happy. And you definitely don't sound like you are. If you want to stay with him don't get married until you guys get some couple's counseling. And don't get married unless you are happy, because it'll only get worse and worse and worse. Trust me!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2014):
 It's not normal.
If you haven't seen him for a month and you are not missing him, this does not seem to me to be a normal healthy relationship.
It will only get worse IF you get married. You will grow more angry and resentful and he will in turn shut down on you more and more.
If all you do is argue and you prefer to be apart, I suggest you break the engagement and end the relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 March 2014):
 It's SO ironic. You wrote this: "My fiancé is a great guy."..... but your submittal describes a guy who is NOT ONLY not "great"... BUT ALSO seems rather boorish... AND who seems to not give a darn about YOU. THIS(!!!) is the guy you want to marry????? Please rethink who you are, how this guy treats you, and whether or not spending ANY MORE time with him is worth your while.
YOU are far to valuable to be putting up with this...
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (4 March 2014):
 No, this is not normal. You don't sound like you're in love with him anymore. I treat mere acquaintances like this. If I don't communicate with them in over a month, it does not bother me. Those who are near and dear to my heart, I communicate with on a daily or weekly basis, and my boyfriend most definitely gets the best of my attention. Friendship is the main ingredient for a long lasting relationship / marriage. It does not sound like you two are good friends at all. You need to re-evaluate why you want to get married to a man you can't even stand. Wouldn't it be better to be with a man that you look forward to spending time with and discussing things with?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (4 March 2014):
 It sounds to me that it is all over bar the shouting.
Are you sure this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life, I think you know deep down in your gut he is not going to change, and you have already worked out you don't need him in your life.
I think its time to call the engagement off.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 March 2014):
 Do you think it will change once you get married?
And instead of getting mad, sit him down and tell him you feel neglected and ignored. Maybe he is staying away because usually YOU get mad? I mean would you want to spend a night with a MAD partner or your friends? My guess is your friends, right?
However, IF you two PLAN to marry you two need to be able to communicate with each other and be comfortable discussing things. Him ignoring you isn't solving anything.
My advice is that you two need to either figure it out between the two of you, or you need to consider some kind of pre-marriage counseling (if available). OR you will see this behavior after the wedding. He will "run" off and hang with his friend and YOU are left to your own devices.
Doing things on your own with YOUR friends is great too, you should BOTH have a social life, but not seeing your fiance for a whole months? That is neglectful. My guess is he KNOWS you won't leave him with a wedding around the corner, so he will do as he pleases.
...............................
|
