A
female
age
30-35,
*luffyPie
writes:WARNING: long post!How should I begin? I'm a very insecure person. I lack self-confidence, I'm suspicious about things (almost paranoid), I feel ugly (even if people around me tells me I'm cute or hot), I feel clumsy, I feel like no matter what I do, it will be a complete fail - exams, work, I'm afraid of disapproval, I fear rejection, I seek for attention, I lack motivation, I can't seem to focus on anything etc. I think I have all those conditions that I found on the Internet about insecure behavior.Now, I didn't look for professional help, since I can't afford it, but I've been thinking a lot about the issue and I've reached this conclusion: maybe it's because I couldn't get over my past. So, my parents love me, they spoiled me, they always made me have a good opinion of myself, they taught me to love myself, they'd do anything for me, they support me in everything, they accept me the way I am and they always understand me. They're the best parents ever and I love them and I'm proud of them.So, when I was in the kindergarten, kids used to laugh at me because I was fat, I was a fat kid. I was defending myself with "take a look at you first". The kindergarten teacher used to threat us with locking us alone and never send us at home if we didn't behave. Of course we believed her. Ironically, among all those kids, I was the only one who cried and felt terrorized by that woman. Or at least, I was the only one that expressed these feelings.When I was seven, I slipped in the school yard and all the kids stopped playing just to see me crying because I scratched my knee. They laughed at me saying that "the Earth just trembled" when I fell down.Later on, I grew up, I was still fat, I was 13 years-old, my first crush rejected me with "how can I look at a fat girl like you?" and he started to laugh. He was 2 years older than me and very good-looking. Now I had pimples too = fat + pimples. No wonder that I looked repulsive. OK, next, I grew up, lost weight, treated my acne, had nice roundy shapes, I had my first crush in high school, a guy who rejected me by telling me that he has a girlfriend - he didn't have one, because he was too shy and kinda weird, mostly anti-social. I was a bit intrigued, I looked good. "Then why did he reject me, and moreover, lying me that he has a girlfriend?". Not his kind, not chemistry ? Anyway, I said "OK, life beautiful no matter what" so I moved on and had a lot of fun with my friends. I had good professional results, I was among the best students in my class. Until the last year of high school. I kind of disappointed my family with a low grade at my final exam, but even so, I got in college, the college chosen by me. It's part of the best university in the capital of my country (I'm not from US, by the way :P) and I'm still proud of my choice. I moved in with my cousin, she was already studying there, so she gave me hand, she offered me a place to stay, without paying money for rent. My life seemed to start looking good. But my family still continued to reproach me how low my level is, that I couldn't be able to do more, because they knew I could, but I was too lazy. My parents got over it eventually. They were finally happy that I got into college. In the opposite corner, my cousin said that, because of my low level on my final high school exam, I don't even deserve to stay there, I don't deserve my parents' concern for a person like me. We've also been working together, me and my cousin, for a while, so she also attacked the fact that I can't make any social relations with our job mates and that I'm mopish and quiet and never got involved in conversations. OK, excuse me, but I'm comfortable with NOT talking too much with people. I'm not introverted, I just don't feel the need to get friends or express myself and open up to people without a purpose, just for the love of chitchat and because "everybody does it, because being sociable it's trendy". I'm aware that being sociable it's a strong weapon now, but I'm OK the way I am - whatever I want to talk about, I talk to my parents or my boyfriend, so I feel comfortable from this point of view.Thing is, she continued to "intoxicate" me with these lines for 2 years, as much as I've been living with her. Now, I have a great boyfriend, a hot looking man, who loves me. We've been going out for a year now. Sometimes though, I feel like he's not interested enough in me, I feel ugly and mean - I tend to be verbally aggressive when he's not paying me attention, so he always puts up with me, and I'm afraid that someday he'll get enough. But he keeps telling me how cute I am and such, and that, no matter what I said to him, he's never gonna leave me. I'll take his word for it, because I can SENSE his "good waves". For some reason, something tells me he is telling the truth, but I get confused really fast...Anyway, my question is: is it possible that I developed this insecurity feelings in the wake of these "small" things from my past? Is it possible that I couldn't get over it? Because otherwise, I have a normal life, it's just that sometimes I keep running against a lot of daily situations, that make me remember how weak I am and unable to finish any task. I feel unbalanced and sometimes I just start to pity myself, instead of actually do something, act in order to change my life!!!I need a few ideas from you people, if someone had to deal with something similar... Thanks for reading my story!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 I'm sure everyone's been through something like that. Childhood builds us into the people we become until we decide that it proves useless, until we decide that we want to build ourselves.
Whoever you were before, that isn't the girl you are now. You are smarter, stronger, faster and you SHOULD be more confident. Every incident that ever happened to you, happened to the girl you USED TO BE. That's the girl that couldn't get a boyfriend, you HAVE a boyfriend. The girl you used to be was always teased, who's teasing you now?
You need motivation? Everyday I want you to remind yourself that you need to keep being the woman you are now. Work to remain the best and be happy to be peaceful. When you're happy, you're boyfriend will be happy.
I hope that helps.
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