A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have a hard time making real friends. i dislike people who are fake. i prefer to not have friends at all if they aren't going to be honest with who they are because if they aren't, they won't be honest with me. i only have a few people in my life i would call friends.i don't really get along with my parents too well. with their extreme conservative views they see me turning into a terrible liberal, they don't accept me. i wouldn't say i'm completely liberal in my views, but in the last few months, things i used to think weren't okay, i accept them now....for example...pre marital sex. was totally against that until a few months ago. i love my parents but i don't feel like they love who i am. growing up, they were always fighting with each other. they only stayed together because they didn't believe in divorce. there's a bitter, sad quality to the years of me growing up. i never saw love in my home.now that i am on my own, in college, pursuing an education in what i love...i've decided i'm going to be different than my parents. being here at school, i met the most incredible person. he is my best friend and it is nothing but smiles every single moment we are together. i don't see my life with anyone else but this man. he truly, is the man of my dreams. up until last week, i learned he was watching porn while we were apart. i get it, its just porn...get over it. i am so incredibly heart broken by this. i confronted him and he apologized for 'hurting me' but doesn't see anything wrong with it. and then he told me let's just not talk about it anymore. but when we had sex the next night, i was completely self conscious the entire time. i am just so hurt by this and for the last few days, i have just been sad around him. i know he didn't mean harm and this had nothing to do with me. there isn't a thing we don't do together and maybe i'm sad that even though i disagree with it, i was excluded from something with him. i nearly break into tears every time we talk now and tonight, i just completely broke down and told him i am so heart broken and i am unhappy and don't know what to do. i want to get over this, really. he really is my one and only true love and he is the only person that has shown me what love truly is.. i don't want this to have a burden on our relationship. how does someone get over this?
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I do not think you have to put your moral views aside and accept it, but you may have to get a new boyfriend. If it is hurting you, and he finds it more important then you are, I am sad to say that he may not be the right one for you. To me, this is no different than a partner who goes out and spends all of a couples money, smokes pot, or has some other diversion that takes away from couple time. I think some people do not understand the heartbreak porn can bring into a relationship and I get really tired of hearing people say "just get over it"...it doesn't mean anything. Like ANY issue in a relationship, it DOES mean something if it is hurting one partner. So, don't apologize for your feelings.
You will find all kinds of articles and advice on why people use porn, and why people agree/disagree on its use. I suggest you go online and research this for yourself. You may find that you can reason away your boyfriend's porn use and eventually be ok with it, or you may find that your own feelings are more reasonable and important.
If you cannot deal with it, and he does not want to change, you may have to move on. I have a pretty high sex drive and I have watched porn before, but if you have to be watching that stuff ALL the time and getting off, there is a problem. If you can't stop watching it or at the very least limit its use because you are hurting someone you care about, you have a problem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni should add, he is not just my friend...but my boyfriend, just in case that didn't clear things up...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 July 2012):
 Dear Op,
I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I knew why porn did not bother me… It does not… whether we are apart or together… I find it funny that he watches it. Sometimes in bed while I’m sleeping… mostly on his computer when I’m not home… and I’m fine with it.. because in the end he still prefers to be with me over the porn stars and his hand….
That being said, I do think your friend is sorry he hurt you and he does not see the problem. I do not know if getting him to stop using the porn is the answer or even if it’s possible. I think the fact that he does it when you are apart says a lot… it’s not a replacement for you, as much as a supplement.
You said you were self-conscious… why is that? Because you’re not “porn star perfect”? Look at these girls… many have bad skin, or bad teeth… some are overweight some are underweight but their surgically enhanced boobs are almost caricatures of real life.
I need to know what it is about his porn watching that’s so upsetting…. Then we can go from there.
And do read Person12345’s information She is probably the most knowledgeable person I know here about how porn affects relationships and I defer to her judgment on a regular basis since I seem to have the “guy gene” when it comes to sex and porn…
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I strongly disagree with the below poster that it's "selfish" to be hurt over porn use. You're not alone, more than half of women hate porn use in their relationship. I highly recommend you read through the links about this on my profile, they may have some tips you'd find useful (to get there just click on my username).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): Just try and rationalise it -Porn is porn, its something a lot of people do in their personal time for personal reasons.Its not like he has any feelings for the women in the porn he was watching.He's never going to meet a porn star, and its not like he went out and cheated on you instead when you were apart.He's apologised about you feeling bad, so he considers your feelings and views on the matter.Thing is you can't stop him from watching porn in his personal time, everyone has needs when they're away from their partner and sex isn't an option.You just need to put your moral views aside and accept it. if I'm honest it is rather a selfish attitude you have towards what he did, he shouldn't be made to feel bad because you feel bad about it, and if this is something you can't get over then maybe you two aren't as compatible as you first thought and hope to be. Sorry... Just my opinion.
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