A
female
age
30-35,
*ysterium
writes:I'm really angry at my dad. He is so bloody annoying. I'm like 22 and I can't enjoy my bloody life. My parents want me to live life the way they think is right. They want to stuff me with goodies and fatty food and sit at home and join the fucking family business. I'm not like this. I like adventure I like mountaineering and I like to travel. He never lets me do anything. I always have to stay in touch with him. I want to let go. He thinks I'm a fool. And I'm not sure he really loves me. I'm more like a bloody duty...because I'm a girl so I can't take care of myself. Like he always appoints others to keep an eye on me. I rather die than be a part of this charade. I' don't want to be treated like a liability. I don't want to be taken care off. He bloody shows more love for his younger sister's daughters than me. T shows on his face. I've never done anything to disappoint him I'm constantly seeking his approval but in vain. I feel like a joke. Why do I have to live a certain way to fit in to the society. I don't want to fit in. I don't care. Why am I not given the freedom to do what I want. This entire family thing man. It's not my thing. I've become so emotional gullible and vulnerable. I want to get rid of it. I'm not happy being like this. How do I deal with this. I'm so sick of it. Any kind of help or calming words would really be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): The OP has said she has already moved to a different country which makes this problem kind of a strange one...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): I do not understand why you whine so much, you are 22, don't be a spoiled little girl. Like the money nd support daddy gives you? Then shush. Just MOVE OUT. Either on your home country or on US , but cannot whine about your dad controlling your life and you not being independent at your age. I'm 21 and I had a similar situation. My dad did not agree, so I moved out on my own, travel and do everything I want/
Problem solved.
We are not 16 anymore, get over yourself pack your bag and leave. Cut contact with your uncle or family members that bbother you.
Life is too short to whine.
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A
female
reader, Mysterium +, writes (6 January 2013):
Mysterium is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnyway thanks all. This session of intense questioning and answering has helped me. I was really mad when I wrote the question, I was actually venting hence it sounds a bit rash. I'm the last person to be against my father. Bit its just that I can't stand being baby-ied by my father. And though I can't change him, I can definitely change myself. This is a problem and I better get cracking and work my way through it if I want any kind of a change. I know I can't expect him to change. And I have made it vey clear I have no interest in defying him and have never done so in the past. I do nonetheless feel like he at times babys me far too much. But I've got to find a solution for that...or something. But Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): I'm 24 and female and have been in a situation very similar to yours. Like you, I enjoy adventuring. I'm into rock climbing and backpacking and since turning 18 I have taken many road trips by myself. My parents, especially my dad, were far from thrilled about this, especially at first.If you are looking to expand the limits of their confidence in you, this can only come with maturity and capability demonstrated over time. I don't know you personally; no one here does. I will say that the tone of your original post and your responses to the people who've tried to answer so far COMES ACROSS AS immature and impulsive. This may not be who you are at all but I can tell you it's the *impression* that you're leaving.If it's freedom you seek, in a perfect world you'd have it, but your dad is most likely set in his ways. Try to remember (and I know it's hard) that he means well. You need to start with activities that are just barely out of his comfort zone... day trips or maybe single overnights. And for the love of whatever you love, be safe about how you do them, so there's nothing he can point to saying "See, this is why you shouldn't (fill in the blank)." Eventually this should cease to worry him as much, and you can progress to more complicated and "risky" things.To illustrate my point: I drove alone from California to Alaska and back two years ago in the middle of winter, and my parents didn't try to stop me. But I'd also put in quite a few trips between Southern California and Northern California... Southern California and Washington... Southern California and Yellowstone. My parents had a couple years to get used to me packing up in a car and taking off for a few weeks to increasingly remote locations. As long as you live at home, you're stuck trying to follow their rules, so gradual progress is how you'll have to play it or you can expect to meet with constant nagging and resistance. If you really can't stand it, then make it a priority to move out. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Mysterium +, writes (6 January 2013):
Mysterium is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. So calling people immature makes you more of a mature person? You know at times people find themselves in situations like these and will ask for advice or some kind of calming words. If you don't do it then well good for you, you're real mature. You don't need to pass judgements. And if you dint think I had a valid problem, you could've just moved along. No one forced you to answer my question. And thanks, but I'm going to ask for advice anywhere I want to. And it's not like I expect people to side with me. I'm just asking for what people think about it and further discussing my problem. There is no definite answer and I'm not sure i seek one. If I feel I'm wrong I will take what people say into cognizance. And I am. I am reflecting about what you said about diplomatically working my way through these things. But you don't need to be rude. As I said earlier, if you can't help then don't hurt people ya but cAlling them immature and what not. If you feel I'm wrong there is another way of saying it. How much do you know about me anyway?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): Having just read your last reply, I don't think you are going to find the advice you are looking for here. There is nothing we can say that is going to make your father stop being over protective. It's how he (and most parents for that matter) is. If you are living on your own in a different country then he really has no say in what you do and neither does the uncle. They may try to give you well meaning advice, but you don't have to take it do you? The adult response to unsolicited advice would be to say 'thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind' then do what you want, not to come on an advice site f-ing and blinding about how you are not being treated as an adult. In itself that is probably the most immature way to handle it and us doing nothing to help your case. You need to accept that people will ALWAYS offer advice and think they know best. This is a fact of life and something you must learn to handle diplomatically or you will be at odds with everyone for the rest of your life. Oh and it's very unlikely that he is giving this advice because he doesn't trust you or thinks you will make bad choices, it's because the world is a scary place (and much different to the one he grew up in) and he doesn't trust others to treat you well.
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female
reader, Mysterium +, writes (6 January 2013):
Mysterium is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very confused---NO I DON'T!!! I wouldn't ever. I'm not so stupid!!! And hence my anger. If I haven't ever done anything careless to anger him or give him a reason to be concerned why does he have to make such a big deal out of it and not just have faith in me. Why can't it be a father daughter understanding rather than an extended family thing
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 January 2013):
 OP said: "And he authorizes my relatives to dispense random advice about the kind of friends I should make and how I should not let "drunk guys drop me home" I mean, seriously? "
OP are you getting in a car with drivers who have been drinking? IF SO, well then the advice from the adult relatives seems reasonable. I would tell my 26 year old son who lives on his own not to drive with impaired drivers.
At 22 we want to be grown ups... do you live in their home? If so, sadly you are kind of stuck as you are still under their control.
IF you do not live at home, then you have lots more options to live your life to please yourself. Parents get over disappointments of their children not living up to their expectations fairly easily. IF the don't, well then you are under NO obligation to have contact with them.
Family in my opinion is who we surround ourselves with. Relatives are the folks we are blood related too and have no choice to be related to them but as adults we do have the choice whether or not we spend time with them.
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female
reader, Mysterium +, writes (6 January 2013):
Mysterium is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk are you guys not reading what I've written? Firstly, I just abided here. I haven't said a word to him. And what triggered it was this: I've moved to another country for my second BA. And i have relatives here in this country. Now other than giving me broad guidelines in how thi he work around here, he authorized my uncle to tell me what kid of friends to make or how I should behave. I'm really not a fool. I can find my way around things. If my father tells me something I'll listen to him but this uncle is someone I have met only thrice in my lifetime. I have t had any of my closest relatives to tell me stuff lik this ya. I don't want to be answerble to another authoritative figure. I don't like it.
And why aren't you guys trying to understand that I have never done anything he finds objectionable in the past. I haven't given him a reason to complain. Then why am I given such treatment. He is pushing me to the brink. NOW I feel like doing Something to provoke his anger. Am I asking for too much by taking charge of my own life?
Why doesn't he just believe in me and have faith in me. I've never let him down. Why does he have to always bring in a third person to take charge of me. I want to grow out of this
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): You say everyone has bouts of uncontrollable anger - I totally disagree. I have been mad at my parents lots of times but I can always step back and see it from their point of view too. Even if I don't agree with it. I also do not hold such a strong amount of hate and resentment towards them either, and my parents were very strict too. I know you feel suffocated, but the next time you get mad, stop and take a deep breath then think about why your dad is acting the way he is. It's probably because he is imagining the worst case scenario (which is standard for parents I think) and worrying about you. He can probably also tell that you don't have much regard or respect for his concerns and to him that means you are likely to put yourself at risk by doing the opposite. I agree with the others that you will need to deal with this until you move out. Until then, it's a 'his house his rules' type of situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): In my experience parents can take a long time to accept that their children are not necessarily who they expected them to be. This can cause the kind of thing you're going through. I have three brothers who were academic high achievers and I was the complete opposite, dropping out of school. The academic life is not for me. I suspect it's much like you not wanting to join the family business, so I can identify with that. What is it you want to do?I believe if you have a clear idea of what you want to do and pursue that your father will accept that in time (maybe years) but you have no control over what your dad thinks, so you just have to accept that he sees things differently. Ultimately you are responsible for your decisions, to the extent that those decisions are within your power. In answer to your question: "Why am I not given the freedom to do what I want", maybe he is being over-protective. So it's quite possible that he does love you, but that he's trying too hard and/or misguided in his efforts. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt. (Parents can be insecure too!) But if our parents feel we respect them (even though we disagree) they are more likely to accept the difference of opinion and the different path, so try to disagree respectfully. Bear in mind that parents can feel an overwhelming responsibility for their child's well-being, and hate seeing their kids having a bad time or getting hurt. So be patient with your dad and try to understand where he's coming from. This doesn't mean you compromise yourself, but let him know you understand his concern for your well-being (again, giving him the benefit of the doubt). The fact that you want his approval means that you love him too. Tell him that, but that you can't be something you're not. Another thing is that parents mellow out over time, they won't always try to change/mold you.Hope this helps!All the best!
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female
reader, Mysterium +, writes (6 January 2013):
Mysterium is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Denise32--- yeah I guess it's a delayed rebellion. As a teen my parents were pretty strict and I was only allowed to grow up in a kind of a boundary. Like I had to be a certain way else it was hell. It's not like he doesn't notice it. I'm 22. I'm a college graduate enrolling for a second bachelors. I'm sensible. I've never done anything stupid or impulsive. Maybe people won't get it...but I want to make my own mistakes. I won't do anything silly or drastic of course. But all I want to do is learn to live the hard way. I want my own experiences to learn from. If he expects me to look at life from his perspective, I can't. I've not said anything till now but I can't keep quiet any longer. I have my own life too. But he is not ready to let me go. It gets really suffocating. I can't sacrifice my life and my experiences just be wise he thinks I'm foolish. Iamheretohelpyou--- I'm sure I'm not the only one who sometimes has bouts of uncontrollable anger which you just have to vent...as long as it doesn't make a difference. It doesn't. I'm grateful for a father like him it's just that I was in such anger when I wrote that. You can read my first reply to get an idea of what I mean. And I am moving out for a second graduation. He still expects me to give him a call every morning and night. It really gets suffocating. And he authorizes my relatives to dispense random advice about the kind of friends I should make and how I should not let "drunk guys drop me home" I mean, seriously?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (6 January 2013):
 Your "teenage rebellion" (a certain amount is normal when young adults are attempting to try their wings) seems to have been delayed - or have you been feeling this way for a long time?
There is so much hate and resentment in what you write. Do you think your father hasn't noticed your anger? How could he not?
Perhaps he is concerned that you'll go off on a grand adventure (as you see it) mountaineering or travel and get into difficulties. Even if you think you won't, he needs to see that you are taking reasonable precautions in your plans and then possibly he'll ease up on you.
Good luck!
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