A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so anybody's advice would be excellent, especially a womans. I'm 18 and have been with my 22 year old boyfriend for 1 and a half years, our sex life is average, and I'm always keen even if I don't finish. He's jerked off to internet porn during our relationship, I used to masturbate from the age of 11 so I know what it's like. The first time he jerked off next to me when we were in bed and he thought I was asleep, that angered me so much, I was right there and he knows that all he has to do is rub my nipples and I'm all for it. I felt so ugly and my self confidence has gone right down.. A few months later I decided to check his emails and he signed up to a website to find single sluts to have sex with in our area! I looked at his profile and I felt like I could kill him, I confronted him and he said "I went on there because the porn on my phone wasn't working" He knew how I felt about him doing that and I was completely shattered, I said if he ever did it again I'm leaving him, shortly after he stormed out and broke his phone... A little suspicious (I thought he was deleting the evidence of something worse) I never really got over it but I forgave him because I couldn't see us breaking up over anything in the near future. The third time I checked his browser history because my trust in him hasn't quite been the same and I found he was looking at "hot chick bikini pics" and jerking off, I cried and said I was going to leave him and he cried and begged me not to, I was so hurt by then I thought I could kick him in the balls so he wouldn't touch his cock. I asked him how many times he had done it while we were together and he says I caught him every time. The newest time I was up town with my mother and he blocked off our bedroom window with a blanket and watched an old porno I had from years ago. I said to him I knew and he confessed to it. I'm so bloody angry about it. I am sick of him sneaking around behind my back to jerk off, we live together so it's not like it's hard to get me in bed. If he does it one more time I'm sure to leave him. To me it's as bad as cheating. And he can find some other girl to stick his tiny dick into. Is it normal for men to be like that? Am I the only woman who feels so offended by him visualizing about some other womans body to screw?? After all this time together I want to be with him for as long as it lasts, he's perfect in any other way. Should I leave him?
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male
reader, Silius Sodimus +, writes (23 January 2013):
Watching porn is no big deal, sometimes guys (and girls) just want to get off without having to go through the whole thing of foreplay, pleasing the other partner e.t.c. Watching porn next to you or masturbating though is kind of weird. If I was horny I'd at least give some courtesy by going into another room to do it, or I'd see if she was into before running off to watch porn. Like another commentator said, sex and masturbation are totally different, sex esp for a guy relieves stress and just produces a general feeling of content, most guys don't watch porn because they prefer porn over their girl, it's just their way of getting off without bothering their girl and most guys would prefer the real thing to a video and their hand. I think your being a bit hard on him and kicking him in the balls? Really?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): You will need to find someone who has no interest in porn, if it bothers you it bothers you. These people cannot change your view. I think like you and I asked the same questions and it still didn't work I had to dump the guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): He shouldn't have to sneak around to jerk off because jerking off is normal and natural and has nothing to do with how he feels about you. If you punish someone for doing something natural which they have a need to do then of course they will be forced to sneak around to do it. But signing up for those websites to meet someone to sleep with, that's completely different, that's one step from adultery, if he hasn't gone all the way already. You need to put your money where your mouth is and leave him already. When you threaten to leave and don't, you are undermining your own credibility. Thus you should think long and hard before throwing around words like "divorce " and "leaving ". If you're not actually prepared to follow through then you should not say you will. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (12 January 2013):
 OP I have many links about this on my profile, I recommend you take a look. I think they will help you a lot.
"Wouldn't you rather have him whacking to some porn, living some fantasies, and ^^^ing a fake vagina rather than cheating on you?"
You really think so lowly of your own sex that you either have to be cheating or fake cheating or you, what? If jerking off to porn has nothing to do whatsoever with sex, then how will doing or not doing it have any bearing on having sex with other people?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): Wouldn't you rather have him whacking to some porn, living some fantasies, and ^^^ing a fake vagina rather than cheating on you? I'm sure he loves you but wants to get change every now and again. Sex and masterbation are two very different things (mentaly and physically as in feeling), and I doubt he ALWAYS wants to either BOTHER YOU or ^^ck you. Let him have some fantasies. You shouldn't be complaining that he was w^^^ing, that is completely unreasonable and not something you should even acknowledge. But, you should definately dump him for signing up for sex websites, that IS cheating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): I know how that is, I've been married for two years and my husband jacks off to porn and watches girls shake their asses on youtube! It hurts my feelings and makes me feel unattractive when I know I'm not. If he doesn't stop leave him! I'm married so it's not as easy for me to walk out as you can :/
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): How does he treat you in general? My boyfriend treated me brilliantly then I found out he was wanking to other women, I dumped him a few months later. He seemed to think it was more important that he thought about me when watching a film or at work at his desk - I didn't, sadly. Still don't understand why he didn't include me in his masturbation fantasies when he liked me so much, says he did but I know different.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): If you stay with this "man", you will just go around in circles. Life is too short.
Move on.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 January 2013):
 OP you said: “Not to mention I'm overweight, I don't look after my appearance like most girls because I do believe I'm ugly, and I've gained weight since we've been together.”
And sadly for many women who post here this is the crux of the problem. NOT what he’s doing but rather how you in your lack of self-esteem and insecurity perceive it.
First of all most folks in happy long term committed relationships gain weight. My hubby and I both gained THIRTY pounds over the first 18 months of our relationship. He feels unsexy and ugly. I just feel sluggish but it did not impact on my sense of self or my ability to love myself, appreciate myself and know I’m “all that and a bag of chips” I think that perhaps part of it is that I’m 52 now and do not expect to look like a hot 20 something babe on tv… but rather I’m the MOM now… still HOT, still sexy but THE MOM….
You believe you are ugly and no amount of words from me or him will change that. You believe you are not what pleases him and no amount of words on the internet will fix that. You should find a good counselor to help you work on your self image and self-esteem. His NOT getting hard when he sees you is not indicative of him not being attracted to you… it’s all about familiarity and comfort. My hubby and I went from sex every second we could have it when we were LDR and new to my begging for him to want me. Funny thing is, he does but our timing is off…
Congrats on going for walks. That is the best exercise. Also if you have never tried it, try yoga. It’s great for the abs, and fabulous for flexibility which is a great thing during sex. As for eating, you say you are eating a fraction of what you were, I hope you are not starving yourself as that won’t work…
FWIW, I thought my hubby didn’t want me cause I got fat, it’s not that at all, in fact, after I lost 8 pounds he started feeding me in my sleep again… clearly he (like many men) prefers me with a bit of meat on my skinny bones…
Oh and wear makeup for yourself not for him. Dress to please yourself not him (including sexy nighties) YOUR comfort and control will make you feel confident and confidence is sexy honey.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Thanks for writing back. I kind of had the idea that you were trying to save it rather than looking for permission to leave. As has been well pointed out, there are a lot of problems with your relationship. You two are together mostly out of habit at this point. And in a relationship this young, that is not a good sign for the future.
He is mirroring your own feelings about yourself. As you start to feel better about yourself he will as well. He also needs to feel desired. Start caring whether or not you finish. When you tell him that it is like saying "you can't do it right anyway so just get it over with". Start the sex sessions yourself. Show him that you are still interested in him.
You are quite focused on his penis reactions. That is going to reduce with familiarity. His porn use isn't helping it either. There is a pretty good chance that he is picking up on your resentment towards it. Spend some more time focusing on it. More foreplay.
The abusive ex in your history is probably hurting your current relationship. You probably need couples counseling to work all that out. He needs to understand how that is affecting your response to him. And you need more healing.
If you really want to save this you both have to be fully committed to each other. And that does mean no dating sites for him, and no ultimatums from you. More communication from both.
FA
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Hon, sounds like your man is addicted to porn. There is nothing you can do that will change him. He has to want to change himself and by the sounds of it, he is happy with who he is.
You deserve better, move on with your life and leave him and his sex addiction behind.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): I dumped my boyfriend for not treating me like I was sexually special within the first 4 weeks of dating. If if doesn't happen then it never will.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): There are so many red flags here! Why are you still with this guy?
"If he does it one more time I'm sure to leave him."
I think you should. For your own sake. Honestly, it's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel awful about yourself.
"Is it normal for men to be like that?"
Not all men, no. My boyfriend isn't like that, and I show him daily how much I appreciate him. Good men are hard to find, but they ARE out there!
"Am I the only woman who feels so offended by him visualizing about some other womans body to screw??"
Not at all. I would feel the same way.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 “A few months later I decided to check his emails and he signed up to a websiteto find single sluts to have sex with in our area!”Goodbye. This guys is not trustworthy. Time to move on. Simple.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): I'm the one who asked the question, I feel as though I should let him read this, just to show him how women don't like it. I wouldn't have such a problem with his wanking if he at least said he thought of me. I masturbated in the first three months of our relationship but I was thinking of him. He told me his ex caught him out wanking and he did it less in thier relationship and they were together for longer! Not to mention I'm overweight, I don't look after my appearance like most girls because I do believe I'm ugly, and I've gained weight since we've been together. He used to call me beautiful every day and slap my ass whenever I walked past, he used to get hard just from seeing me naked and now I practically have to rape him to get some.I dressed up in sexy undies for him, we always do new positions and I don't care if I don't finish. I made that comment about his penis out of anger, I don't give a shit about size! I appreciate the comments, it's good seeing others' perspectives on the matter, it's not something I discuss with my guy mates haha. Any advice on how I can possibly make him more sexually attracted to me? I'm in the process of waking up early and going for walks and I'm eating a fraction of my usual food, so I'm trying to lose weight. I bought makeup and I'm actually tring to take pride in my appearance. Also I keep remembering my ex who bashed me and comparing the two and in comparison he's a saint so I don't wanna break up with him and make a huge mistake that I'll regret. Sorry for the additional information, thank you for commenting, it's much appreciated :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Mine lies too... In the beginning I even found out he'd bought a sex toy (fake vagina) during the beginning of our relationship and was on the phone after purchasing it and lied about where he was at. Years later, I told him to just be honest if he masturbated and he LIED, of course. He ALSO old fessed up when caught. The thing that angers me the most is, one time we broke up and he masturbated to Kim Kardashian's playboy photos after telling me he "couldn't get off to pictures" anymore... he also said that he thought of ME while looking at her photos (but oh, he wasn't thinking about her doing my sexual acts- if you catch my sarcasm). Then, we get back together and one night he comes up to the room while I'm passed out being aggressively sexual after I'd woken up and asked him to come to bed. Later, checked his phone history and he'd been watching her sex tape. I don't think he meant to get turned on by that and sleep with me, but as luck would have it (women's intuition) I woke up and he was in the bathroom watching it. I forgave him even though he said he would never do it again... months later he's clearing his phone history for no reason (which he never does). My biggest thing is that he was looking up ONE woman in particular and lies until I have proof. But if your man was on a website for sex, DUMP. HIS. ASS. He did do a good job by going to counseling (mine still hasn't for his drinking which is my big issue), so I say give it a few weeks and seriously consider leaving. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): I can understand a woman not liking a man looking at porn but masturbating in general as in to just thoughts is not bad at all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Hi I am another woman who hates porn in a relationship, I have no idea why people still fantasise about others when they are hppy. It happened to me, I am one of those people that doesn't think it's normal to look at porn when in a relationship. If you do get him to stop he has only stopped because you have told him to. With me when I got him to stop he just began vocalising his fantasies and imagining other people in his mind more. He also appeared to be more picky about my appearance. Some men like spreading their seed more than others, you can get men who rarely use porn. I realise that even if I had of found out about the porn earlier he still would of had an interest in it when dating me so it didn't matter when I found out. I was lucky he had only been doing it for 3 weeks without me knowing about it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2013):
The OP said; “the first time he jerked off next to me when we were in bed and he thought I was asleep, that angered me so much,” Did you say to him while he was doing it “hey there do you need some help?” or did you just lay there seething letting him think you were asleep?
THE OP SAID: “I felt so ugly and my self confidence has gone right down.” THIS dear is your big problem. YOU are letting the fact that a man pleasures himself in addition to wanting you gauge how you feel about yourself. NEVER let anyone else define your self-image. A man who looks at porn or jerks off is not stating that his woman is not attractive to him, just that he’s got an appetite for variety. He can’t eat steak every night can he? We are monogamous as a society in general because that’s what religion dictates is proper. Human nature is to not be monogamous for many folks.
The OP then said: “A few months later I decided to check his emails and he signed up to a website called "shagaholics.com"to find single sluts to have sex with in our area!”
Two issues here… 1. You don’t trust him (this is enough for you to leave) and 2. He signed up for a website to meet women to have sex with (this is enough to make you leave)
The fact that you stayed even showing that a. you don’t’ trust him (rightfully so) and b. he’s willing to cheat on you and is actively trying to find someone to do so with, is enough to say you know you should leave so why are you asking?
The OP said: “I said if he ever did it again I'm leaving him,” but he did it again and you didn’t leave. YOU NOW HAVE NO CREDIBILITY WITH THIS MAN. He knows he can lie and cheat and you will forgive him. HE HAS ALL THE POWER.
THE OP SAID “I am sick of him sneaking around behind my back to jerk off, we live together so it's not like it's hard to get me in bed.” I wish it was this simple. My husband and I live together.. cuddle daily and sleep in the same bed… we go weeks and weeks without sexual contact and we are newlyweds not some old married couple… it’s just easier to fix it yourself sometimes… I mean I get how you feel, my hubby came downstairs a few weeks ago and said something like “yeah I just took care of it in the shower” and that upset me. I have a much higher drive than he does and I “take care of it in the shower” pretty much daily… and yet sometimes he goes for it and it’s just bad timing ya know…. So he may try and I may say yes or I may just snore on my pillow… but I don’t get MAD at him for jerking off… why should I? Does his jerking off himself mean he doesn’t love me or want me? NOPE.. just means the timing was off.
I see so many women here complaining that a man is lying to them about masturbating or watching porn and I wonder if they didn’t attack the poor guy for doing what comes naturally to him, if he would feel the need to hide it…. You learn if you touch a hot stove you get burned. You still NEED the hot stove but you learn to respect it’s rules. Same with this relationship stuff… they learn to hide what upsets the partner.
THE OP SAID: “If he does it one more time I'm sure to leave him. To me it's as bad as cheating.”
Then you might as well leave him now. Most men I know jerk off in the shower on a regular basis.
You also say you want to kick him in the balls and he can stick his tiny dick into someone else.
Honey you have so many anger issues with this guy do him a favor and cut him loose. DO NOT punish him for your pain.
THE OP SAID: “Am I the only woman who feels so offended by him visualizing about some other womans body to screw??”
And you know he’s thinking of other women how? He’s told you? I look at porn. Guess what I think about when I’m masturbating? MY GUY!
Go figure.
Leave him. He will masturbate again. He will look at porn again. You have told him not to and like a small child he will sneak it just to be able to say “nah nah nah YOU CAN’T BOSS ME”
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 January 2013):
You ask, "Should I leave him?"
The simple and obvious answer is yes. You aren't interested in him sexually. You have threatened multiple times only to relent. The resentment in you is so huge it is the only thing you see. Stop going back and forth with him. You have already decided you are going to leave, just do it and stop making him suffer.
I am perfectly aware that you said that otherwise he is perfect. That means other than his wandering eyes, constant betrayal, and poor sexual performance? So what exactly is it that you are hanging on for? I suspect it is only out of fear of being alone.
He is not happy with you. You never initiate. He doesn't feel desired. Unless you are willing to do something about that (and I don't think you are in the mood to consider that you might need to make a change) then you may as well pack your bags and hit the road.
FA
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Short answer is YES it's normal. What's not normal is to worry about another person's desires.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Okay there are many layers to your question but first off OP, pretty much every guy you will ever meet and I'm pretty confident almost all women too still masturbate while in relationships. I do, my girlfriend uses her vibrator from time to time on her own. You're not going to find a guy who doesn't masturbate every now and again and it's absolutely nothing to do with you.
Why do women not get that masturbation for guys is nothing like sex, we don't wank because we want sex while in relationships. We wank for a quick release without having to go through the whole routine of half an hour having sex and making sure our women cums too, getting her wet enough to penetrate, foreplay, afterplay, cuddling. You want to be the one who shakes his dick after he pisses too in case he gets some pleasure from that without you? Sometimes we want to pop one out in about a minute. Now if you don't mind being relegated to one minute fuck puppet who will let him stick it in, quickly cum, not even look at you and then roll over and fall asleep without saying a word, great but you don't and never will. Sometimes we want a quick release and don't want anything sexual at all.
OP you're being too controlling and frankly it's weird in terms of the masturbation thing.
Now onto the next layers, you don't like porn, don't want it in your relationship and that's okay. You told him not to and he broke that agreement so he crossed a line and you need to dump him. Not only that but that shagaholics site is a complete deal breaker. That's unacceptable in a relationship and is definitely a dump-able offence.
Is it normal for us guys to masturbate? hell yeah. It's normal for you to masturbate too OP, there will be times when he's not in the mood and you're allowed to pleasure yourself. You can't own his sexuality OP, you can't be so controlling and restrictive, just as he's not allowed to tell you what you do with your vagina or what fantasies you like to play out in your head.
Telling him you don't want porn in your relationship is very acceptable, dumping him for being a douche and going on the casual hook ups site is acceptable. But seriously OP you're not going to find a guy who doesn't like to have a wank every now and again. Every single woman who ever says the "he can use me any time instead" is lying to herself OP. There is no woman in the world who is willingly on call for sexual pleasure 24/7 any time he wants.
if you want to stay with him set some reasonable boundaries. You can't stop him wanking and shouldn't even want to. You don't have to accept porn and he has to promise never to use it while with you. He is never to use a casual sex site anymore. He breaks any of these rules again and you walk. Just make sure the next guy you get with isn't a porn user OP but don't freak out just because a guy wanks, we all do. And while having a great sex life lessens how much we do it, we need that quick 1 minute emotionless release every now and again.
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