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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi all. I am married to a man who has started showing me sides of himself I never knew. Prior to getting married, he was always apologetic if he offended me. After 6 years of being married, he has shown an arrogant side that disgusts me to say the least. I know some people may think I ignored this side, but he literally didn't show this part of him. We haven't eaten fast food for quite a long period of time and we decided to buy fried chicken 2 days ago. He's someone who likes making jokes/joking around. When he reached up to the cashier, he told her that it was his birthday and asked if what she can do for the birthday boy. It wasn't his birthday. She gave him an extra side and an extra chicken. Today we decided to go back buy fried chicken and she was there. He decided to tell her he's grateful for what she did but went on to say since that day she has been on his mind and he's grateful. After he drove off, I told him I felt offended by him telling her since that day, she has been on his mind. He started to raise his voice at me and said he can't see how I can get offended by that, and he never meant it in a sexual way. He refused to apologize. Can you please tell me if I am wrong to feel offended?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): Wiseowl, now you see how you responded, as someone who has many experience in customer service, I must say your response is most appreciated. You basically actively listened, lol, although it's jus a post you read, you have addressed my concerns before stating the wrong my husband did for his scam. I appreciate you. You literally give advice with empathy, reason and logic.To the male anonymous response, thank you for your response. I mean my husband's words is in fact flirtatious. I have dealt with his deceitful ways with getting additional sides within ourselves and I was just putting out there how his words to me were offensive. But sometimes these "agony aunts" love to be judgemental, digging into issues without asking a question. So I appreciate you as well.I'm glad you see his words as being flirtatious. That is what I wanted to address. Because I already addressed his statement of it being his bdy.. To him. He's a bit technical and celebrates every day as his bdy as he gets older 1 day at a time.So I think these first two commentors, need to address the issue presented to him/her
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2022): Here's something I'm personally working-on, and you might consider this for yourself. Irritations and daily offenses come out of nowhere; sometimes it seems like they never stop. Then we have our own moods and sensitivities. Things can easily get under your skin; and we are prone to vent our personal-frustrations onto the people closest to us.
Bear this in-mind. A constant recurrence of a behavior, or a repetitive action, that causes conflict or pain; will evoke a negative emotional-response. Frustration will cause a more agitated and exaggerated reaction. It happens to all human beings. It is not gender-specific, and no-one gets a pass on bad-behavior.
If you tend to walk around with a chip on your shoulder; maybe it's because you may be having a bad day, or you're not good at asserting yourself effectively. You'll find yourself mulling or fuming over something a co-worker did or said that you never addressed. Your boss is a d!ck, just because; or you don't like the extra few pounds you've gained so quickly. We store all these annoyances in a limited storage space; until our mental storage area is crammed and bulging at the seams. If you don't clean your overfilled mental storage bin, that overstuffed storage bin is going to spill-over! You won't care who you'll decide to let-loose on! You will just go-off at the least provocation!!! Petty things! Everybody seems to get on your nerves when you're under-pressure, on your period, sick, or just generally in a bad-mood.
Check yourself!
I don't menstruate, but everyone has a day when it seems everybody rubs you the wrong way; and you feel totally aggravated for no apparent reason. Then our significant-other pulls a stunt; and inadvertently opens the floodgates. All hell breaks loose!!! They touch a raw nerve!
If you internalize a lot, or tend to nag a lot; those habits have very serious side-effects. Both on you, and others around you. People have feelings, and they will respond to your behavior in an emotional-way. Many people are annoyingly "passive-aggressive." They handle everything with snarky remarks and sarcasm. They never seem to know they do this!!! If we never seem to let anything slide, it makes us difficult to live with. Thank God, the good Lord caught me in-time! Work pressures, deadlines, irritating neighbors, crazy TV journalism, obnoxious people (and their annoying politics) were getting to me! I didn't specifically blame anybody, I've recognized my own emotional-responses to it all. I would become withdrawn and a little touchy.
You say your husband is becoming arrogant, unlike the way he was in the past. Is that in a defensive way, or does he just strut around with his chest out pushing everybody around?
If he does it defensively; that means when he is pushed into a corner, he pushes back. That is a normal human-reaction when you are being challenged; or you are responding to confrontation. It is a natural-instinct to act in retaliation in-response to excessive-criticism, insults, or unwarranted hostility from another person. Otherwise, you are claiming or implying he's becoming excessively aggressive towards you for no apparent reason. Think very hard before you reach any conclusion about this. Be fair and honest. What's usually going-on when it happens?
Everybody changes, and most of us adapt to our environment. If you're around people who complain a lot, you'll find yourself complaining more than usual. If you're around people who are short-tempered, aggressive, or irritable; you'll find yourself displaying the same prickly or aggressive behavior. You may not notice it in yourself; but those closest to you/us will. The problem is, we tend to project onto other people things we like least about ourselves. Rather than face and address our own issues; we conveniently find fault in other people. I'm human, guilty as charged. Now I know it when I see it.
Even when we receive posts from OP's who are complaining about others; we know there are two-sides to every story. We only get one side of it. In the case of violence and abuse, there are no two-sides. Victims are never at fault. Some posters become extremely angry when you ask them about their own behavior, or dare to call-out some things we notice about them in their own posts! They'll sometimes get pretty insulting and mean to us. It's easy to blame, and harder to own-up to our own responsibility in our relationship problems. If you don't fix both sides; the problem remains broken and only gets worse.
I think I see a little of what could be going-on here. I've made it my business to catch myself when I'm doing it. I've asked friends, family, and my partner to let me know when it seems to be happening. I've gotten a good report card thus far; because I've prayed, and did some introspection. I'll take time out of my day for prayer and meditation. I tend to retreat into solitude; because I need time alone to sort-out my thoughts, and ask Jesus for more patience. I have to see my own faults first; then once I've corrected myself, it's odd how I see less fault in others...or I've grown more patience and tolerance. I'm more forgiving. By the grace of God!
He was dishonest with the birthday prank, and got an extra piece of chicken. That's a trivial misdemeanor. World-hunger didn't result. He turned-on his phony charm to compliment the server at the fast-food restaurant; just to make her feel good in exchange for her kindness. He did it in front of you, which made it abundantly obvious that there was nothing serious about it. The lie did insult your sense of values, and that is valid. You know the whole backstory behind it. It would be different if he stopped-in alone to exchange phone numbers, and you found-out about it; or he was blatantly flirting with the server. You didn't say he did that.
He selected a bad choice of words by saying she was on his mind. Maybe this is one of your triggers? I'm comfortable to say it was an overreaction. How long or how many times can YOU be angry without raising your voice? Measure the hostility and aggression behind it first, then you can decide if HE responded in a particularly bad manner. He is human, and has a right to lose his temper when he is angry. As long as he is not abusive or violent. He is a man, that will make his anger seem more forceful anyway. Yet "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!"
Oh, come-on now!!! I've had countless polite and helpful salespersons or representatives from various businesses that left a good impression on me; and I either reflected my positive opinion in a survey, or expressed it in-person with all sincerity. If they were attractive, that was purely incidental, and had no bearing. I've complimented people of all ages, genders, and every persuasion in the company of my partner. I've never gotten any flack about it.
Your hubby called you out on it. Of course, you're not going to like that! How upset should you be about him telling some random server at a fast food joint he thought about her? Like some good-looking guy hasn't styled your hair, you were treated by a very nice male healthcare professional; and maybe he left a pleasant memory of his handsome features coupled with his kindness. Maybe you didn't let the thought linger when some gorgeous-guy gave you a bright smile as he approached you while you were exiting a shop. You can't help what sticks in your head, and it doesn't have to mean anything.
If insignificant little things get you going; don't be surprised when you get some pushback. Point one finger, and three point back! It's only a courtesy to acknowledge that you recall a person who has extended a kindness towards you. It may not be necessary with a server, but what can it hurt? I can think of more serious things to be jealous about. Keep reading Dear Cupid. Your post wasn't about your husband being a flirt, cheater, or a womanizer. He said she was on his mind, and he's an amateur small-time scam-artist. I guess he knows better than to ever say that again!!! Next-time, order delivery; or at the pickup window.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2022): I think you have every right to be offended. You did the right thing telling him. The scam was pathetic, infantile behavior. I ran a retail business for years and heard that sort of thing regularly. Arrogant? YES! You're right!
I can imagine you'd have felt embarrassed.
When he said she was on his mind, he could've been trying to make you jealous. Whatever the reason, the entire set of behavior says, "I'm insecure and looking for attention".
I totally empathize with you and I'm sorry you had to be associated with him in public when he mouthed off like an idiot.
Hope he reflects on his behavior and apologies to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2022): Thanks for your responses. I must say though, my husband has not been walking on any eggshells because I am most definitely not easily offended. I am a strong person, one who has been sexually assaulted as a child and have grown up with narcissistic parents: and based on other experiences in my life, I have grown up with a thick skin...sometimes y'all try to read too much to the issue at hand.
Additionally, I did call him out on that BS he did. So again, being judgemental, asking if I would have felt offended if he stated he felt guilty for lying. Lol.
Sometimes people may be going through a rough patch in their lives, and at that point, may have weak moments. I came here asking for advice but I would give y'all some, when people show you the tip of the iceberg, stop assuming what's below the water. Y'all don't know these strangers that come on here asking for advice, yet you jump to conclusions and assume BS. Sometimes people maybe feeling depressed and think they may be doing good, by coming here asking for advice, and y'all just would make them get deeper in that depression by jumping to conclusions and assuming BS. Just for future reference nah...xoxo
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 April 2022):
 I suspect your husband just expressed himself badly, as in poor choice of words. Would you still have been "offended" if he had said "I've felt guilty since I scammed free food out of you the other day by lying to you"? I suspect not. I mean, how "grateful" can you be for a piece of chicken and a side, unless you haven't a penny in your pocket and are starving, which was quite obviously not the case here?
I am always wary of people who state they are "offended" by things. It's almost like a challenge to others, a way of saying "how dare you say/do something I don't like?" It's like their being "offended" gives them rights over what others say/do. Reading your post, I wonder if, after 6 years of marriage, your husband is getting a bit fed up of treading on eggshells around you so as not to "offend" you? Only you know what goes on in your relationship but perhaps that is a question you should ask yourself? Perhaps your husband is "offended" by YOU constantly being "offended" by what he says/does?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2022): The BEST advice I can give you under the circumstances is to make him choke on his own medicine.
Next time you are together and there is a male waiter or some guy at a store that is young and/or decent looking, DO THE SAME THING! FLIRT with him and say the same things or even better! you KNOW how to use your feminine charm. Lay it on thick. See how he likes it? I guarantee you he won't. THEN, maybe, just maybe, that will shut down any future disrespectful and sleazy behavior from your husband!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 April 2022):
 Are you wrong for being offended?
Nah, not really, but I feel you are a little over the top on this. you read WAY more into this than was meant.
He probably just said that because he recognized her and remembered his little "scam" that got him extra side and chicken. So he felt like he owed HER to thank her for that little deed (that he didn't really deserve as he lied to get it, but whatever on that). I think he was hoping to butter her up for more "free stuff". Nothing more.
I think it was a weird thing for him to say, that SHE had been on his mind since that day, though. I mean really? How thickly can he lay on the charm in hopes to get free stuff?!
Whether he meant it in a sexual manner or not, HE said that slimy shit right in front of you.
Should he apologize? Nah, I don't think so. But I would call his "scams" if I was with him in the future. If he tried the "birthday boy" stuff, I'd say, it's not your birthday and you are not a child. Or I would have rolled my eyes at him.
This is a guy in his 30's, right?
I kind of think that he likes that you react. That he can needle you this way. He doesn't like when you tell him off, but he likes that it makes YOU feel a little on edge.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2022): You’re not wrong to feel bad. Putting aside the fact that lying to take advantage of someone’s good nature is wrong, the fact is that he flirted in front of you, and even if he meant nothing of it, it was demeaning.
I remember hitting it off with a hairstylist and every haircut it was obvious we both enjoyed it more each time. One day she saw me at a restaurant and was a little bit too happy to see me to notice the other woman with me could’ve been my wife. I felt horrible for being cold to her and seeing her face change from joy to confusion to hurt and for the jealousy my then wife must’ve felt. I found a new place to get my haircut, but the sad truth is that years and tears later it could’ve been an indicator that things were off.
Obviously, there may be other factors for you and I’m not a professional and whatever other disclaimers are appropriate, but if you don’t have any kids, consider a divorce. These are major character issues just surfacing as life is getting a lot more stressful and they will only get worse when obligations to children exist.
You deserve to be happy in a relationship that doesn’t need to compensate for someone else’s problems.
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