A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really unhappy when my boyfriend compared my looks and figure with movie actresses. He complains that my boobs are small. I recently found out that he is always checking out movie actresses after we have watched the shows. He told me cos they have big boobs. I am disgusted. Cos those actresses were fully clothed in the movies. Eg. wearing tank tops. They were not even topless. One recent target is the lead actress in the movie 'Zohan'. In the past, I was okay with him watching porn until I discovered that he was watching it excessively and lying about it. He promises me to stop watching it. But then I discoved he was lying about it. I gave him more chances to change. Since then, I couldn't find porn on his pc, but didn't know whether he deleted them or he really kept to his promise, cos he has a habit of lying. Sometime later, I mentioned that there was this RA (bare top only) show which had good reviews. Asked him whether he wanted to catch it. He said no. But I discovered on his pc that he had downloaded the movie and in fact watched it after I mentioned it.I really don't know what to do. I believe that a relationship is built on respect, honesty and trust. But he has violated all these again and again. I have given him so many opportunites to show me he had changed, so that I can rebuild the trust lost. But he disappointed me again and again.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): 'All men love porn'WRONG WRONG WRONGAny guy that says that is making uncredible generalized lame excusesAny gal taht says that... well probably insecure or just settlingMy boyfriend sure DOESN'T. That's why he's my boyfriend. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): LEAVE HIM
let him come crawling back to you..
how... HOW can you let yourself put up with someone who puts you down compares you to the plastic trash degrading women everywhere in the media everywhere and disrespects you by looking at PORN?
those kind of men are pathetic and shallow and clueless
and just as bad are the women that LET IT HAPPEN
no ladies- not all guys are worthless shallow freaks!
thats just insulting to the guys out there and some that i know that are good enough to be disgusted by porn like everyone should be and enjoy his girl not some stupid fake images and videos on the internet and stuff
and whats all this "all men watch porn and all men love women's bodies" its stupid your guy should make you his everything and do everything for you if he really loves you and wants to be with you
and there are heaps of nice decent guys who realise how stupid porn is and how stupid guys are that have to watch it
i have an amazing bf who hates porn like me and we are very happy together!
if i were id tell him its all his stupid obsession with porn or you..
and if he continues being a freak.. LEAVE HIM
and get a REAL MAN
because you deserve one!
:)
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A
female
reader, troubledsg +, writes (19 August 2008):
Hi, this is the original poster. He has stopped comparing my look and figure with actresses and he told me he has stopped viewing actresses pictures. But recently I found out that he has been checking pictures of pageant contestants and IT show promoters and deleting them from his browser history.
I am so disappointed. I don't know how to trust him anymore, although he promised me he would stop that.
Should I give up on him? I am tired of revisiting the same issue about him checking out other girls and being disrespectful to me. But at the same time I do have feelings for him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): Last answerer: Surely it should not be such a feature of his life. Honestly I have no idea why women accept this. Why can't men adjust their behaviour if they want us to be happy with ourselves? I am not talking about men being perfect, but how come you even know what your bloke looks at? Does he Lord it over you pretending open-ness? And since it makes you unhappy can't you talk to him about that? Surely any bloke worth his salt could easily adapt his bevaviour for a person he really loves. The amount of upset and insecurity it causes makes it worth it? How come we sell ourselves so short. They would absolutely hate it, most of them, if we spent our time masturbating over pictures of people hunkier than them. Where is the imagination and sensitivity? It is a crass, coarse and demoralising world that we live in that our kind has come to this. We are for sale like battery chickens on every magazine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): I have a similar problem but its the opposite with my boyfriend cos whereas im quite big chested i discover hes looking at porn where the girls have very little chests or sometimes barely anything there! i just dont understand it! he always says he likes my chest, i know im an attractive girl and yet hes losing interest in having sex with me now after 3 years together and would rather watch porn! i find it amazing, cos i know lots of guys would love to be with someone like me im a catch! any suggestions welcome!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): Actually not all men do love porn, some quite like a peek ocasionally and some think it is tasteless and degrading. Some men use is like a right that we have to put up with even though it is upsetting, which are men to avoid if they can't consider your feelings. At the very least I would expect not to have use of this degrading immagery on my radar, then if my bloke uses it sometimes I won't know therefor I won't care.
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A
female
reader, wisdomwoman  +, writes (8 July 2008):
You may have many things you love about your relationship with your boyfriend that aren't mentioned here. The only thing we see is that he is quite open and honest with you. If you were to tell him you didn't like something about his body... say his small genitals, would he be ok with that? It's really not loving to tell each other what you DON'T like about the others body. We all want to be appreciated for what we DO have. Talk to him about how you would like to be more gently cared for, and what makes you feel loved and beautiful.
As for the porn, All men love porn. The more you freak out about it, the more they will hide and protect themselves. The difference in your guy, is that he was actually Honest with you, until he noticed it bothered you. Then when you baited him with the topless show, he didn't want you to be upset at how much he would enjoy it, and just decided to enjoy it himself. There isn't anything that dishonest about that. The sooner you can accept that all guys love women's beauty, it is completely normal, and it has nothing to do with your relationship. He is with you for YOU, and if he really does prefer big boobs, then obviously you have something very special that he loves about you. Find out what that is. Honor yourself as a beautiful being who deserves happiness, and find it, either with him, or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): You are so right. A "relationship is built on respect, honesty and trust".
I must say that after your first sentance, I already knew that this man was very unfair and very unpleasent. You do not have to put up with this. He's constantly putting you down. It's horrible.
I think you know that you deserve better and that you're better off with out this... this.... nasty man.
You're man should love you and treat you with respect whether your boobs are not as big as movie stars or not.
Good Luck, Emivia. x
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Hey,
As the others have said - get rid of this w*nker.
You're not happy in this relationship so why stay with him when you can be with someone who will treat you so much better? If he disappoints you and puts you down all the time, realise your self worth and get out of this relationship before you it starts taking an effect on you.
I think you should probably laugh to yourself because of the fact that he never has a chance with all the women he ogles! Remind yourself of this and tell yourself that you were the best thing that's happened to him and he's blown it. The fact that he goes by looks and not what the girl might be like says a lot about him.
You know what you gotta do hun. Be done with it because I'm sure it'll be one of the best things you've ever done.
You're worth more than that.
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Please listen to Clarey. She is completely 100% correct.This guy is addicted to porn, puts you down intentionally, and has no respect for your body, needs, wishes or desrires. Why are you still with him? This guy is a hopeless loser, leave him!
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A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 I can't see why you are with a man who ogles other women, puts you down and is addicted to porn. Don't you think you should do better? It is not your job to change him, so many women fall into that trap. What you see is what you get. Don't try to validate your own importance by trying to force him into being another person. He does not know how to and is not bothered.
Find a good man. Write a list of what you want in a man and look for those qualities. For example, thinks you are gorgeous, respects you, makes you feel good about yourself, respects women, does not do porn, does not lie, loved his family, likes kids, has the same interests as you.
Why did you suggest he watched a topless thingy? Were you trying to pander to him? You will soon be in your mid thirties and if not careful, alone. Kick this bloke out and find a relationship with real potential not one like this which is so miserable and thankless. Why cling to such a weak man? Are you weak yourself? Come one, you only have one life so make it count. I have no idea why women put up with this stuff and short-change themselves so often. Then sometime later ask, "How did this happen to me?" Answer: they did it to themselves.
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