A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am really struggling with how to deal with rejection or sexual disinterest from the one I love.I've never liked it (who does!) but lately am finding it more and more difficult. It just shatters me and I almost fall to pieces. I feel like I'm not going to cope.What should I do? How should I deal with this? I am 25, gay and have talked about the issue with my boyfriend before but I don't think he really even understands. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): Maybe for just the making out part, you should tell him that it wont advance to sex, if you guys do that during the week.For sex you should just tell him, can we increase to three times a week. Gradual steps I think will help. Make the atmos-fear for it, light two candles and make a light dinner, the foods that he likes, with a small portion of wine. You guys could always switch to some sex toys. Its less work and maybe he would be open to it, it could cover the other potion of the week where your solo. You could also give him some pills that will hopefully increase his sex drive. And think of all the things from the first you were together and try to aply some of those things to now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer your questions...
There is never a good time for him. We already have plenty of weekends away and very often they are non-sexual. I feel miserable because his rejection and disinterest hurts.
To be honest if he had sex whenever I wanted I can't imagine it would make him as miserable as this is making me. I know that sounds very insensitive but I have been SO sensitive and tried to be so reasonable about this and it gets me no where. He doesn't suffer one bit. He just gets as much or as little as he wants when he feels like it.
I just don't understand how someone who loves you so much can treat you like this.
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female
reader, loving arms  +, writes (16 March 2009):
it seems there is no answer to your problem. You consider twice a week not enough, he considers it enough. Let's back track a bit. You are feeling miserable because you feel rejected, right? So let's suppose he listens and has sex whenever you want, do you think he'll be happy?Is there a time of day when he's more in the mood? ~Is it possible to have some weekends away together? Have you asked him what he wants, how he thinks you could both be happy? Try to focus on the fact that you are loved and wanted, if you weren't then you guys would have stayed parted, wouldn't you?Maybe this is as good as it gets, I hope that some how a you guys can sort this out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow exactly would he be suffering!? He doesn't have sex more than he wants. We do what he wants when it suits him. I have been mostly selfless but after years of that and rejection I probably have got to a point where I am only thinking of myself for a change. Sex once or twice a week is so not enough. I can barely cope, and yes I do take care of myself as well.
We've tried moving on twice and that made neither of us happy. We love each other and want to be together.
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A
female
reader, loving arms +, writes (9 March 2009):
It helps loads reading your responses to the answers as it builds a clearer picture. I feel you are both only considering how 'you' feel. You say your the one who has to suffer. Maybe he considers having sex more than he wants is suffering to please you. You say you kiss and cuddle in a non sexual way. Sometimes that's the idea, it's about being close and loving not sex.
Maybe it's time to think about moving on if you guys cannot reach a level where you can both be happy.
We do not have to change to make someone else happy, if doing so makes us unhappy. Maybe you're just not suited.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe goes quiet when I try to discuss it and for a very long time gave no explanation but last time said it was because he's not a very sexual person. I thought that was a bit of a cop out but he says he never has been, despite giving me a very different impression (with his actions and his words) for a long time before this issue.
I don't think he is sick, although he does smoke (cigarettes) which can't help.
Thanks for your kind words.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): How does he respond when you try to discuss the matter? Does he give you an explanation?
I hate to think negatively, but is there a chance he can be sick?
Rejection is the worse feeling in the world. My heart goes out to you. keep us posted!
Good Luck and God Bless!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for the responses. To answer your question...
Yes we do kiss and cuddle etc but only in a very non sexual way as yes. As you've already suggested he avoids any passionate kissing or anything like that as he is worried I would want to lead to more.
Not sure what I am supposed to do. YES I would LOVE it to lead to more! Talking doesn't seem to have a lot of impact. I realise we've got different sex drives but it seems unfair that I'm the one who has to always suffer because of it.
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female
reader, loving arms +, writes (7 March 2009):
Not a lot to say, he knows how you feel. You obviously love him or you wouldn't feel so devastated with his 'rejection' he has a lower sex drive than you. Twice a week really isn't so terrible. My question would be do you still cuddle or kiss without the sex? Sometimes we want the loving without the sex. He amybe does not give any loving signals for fear you want more. How about another chat and see if you can reach a happy medium. Maybe sometimes just being close other times making love?Good luck hope everything works out ok x
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (7 March 2009):
 sounds like the two of you have different levels of sex drive and work and life tyres him.
dont take it persobnally or you mioght have to move on if it gets to you. i wouldn't recommend a situation that made you feel bad ever.
good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response. To answer your questions...
I have talked to him about it quite a lot of times. We've been together for four and a half years. He never used to be like this but is now not that into anything sexual. This has been going on for a few years. He has made more of an effort since I twice broke up with him over this but still I am aching for more.
We have sex once or twice a week and if I tried for any more I would get rejected, almost guarenteed, either outright or indirectly like he is tired, it is late, he has some ache, or is mentally drained. Mostly they are excuses not valid reasons.
No I don't think he has ever cheated. If we went away somewhere there would just be more other things he'd rather see or do.
I think deep down he just isn't that into sex, and I find it so hard to cope. I realise he isn't as interested as I am so I hold out a few days then I make myself all as nice as I can and he wants to sleep. I cannot describe the dissapointment that overtakes me. It just shatters me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): All you can do is communicate the way you are feeling. If things can't be resolved, maybe it's time to move on. You haven't given us enough information to give you specific advice. Maybe if you could elaborate a little, we could help more!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): How often is he rejecting you? I need a little more detail sweetie. Do you think he is stepping out on you? How long have you been together? Do you think it is just a bump in the relationship? I mean, no one likes rejection and of course the more it happens the more self conscious you will get. Thats human nature. You want to FEEL sexy to your partner. I would try a more serious talk with your guy first. And maybe plan a romantic get away for the two of you if you can. So you can focus on each other and your relationship without the stress of the outside world. Good Luck, please keep me posted!
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