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male
age
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*ikefounds
writes:I'm not sure how to begin. Several years ago, my wife and I agreed to an open-marriage. I'm not happy with it at all and feel neglected, and to be honest, I feel less of a husband. She knows how I feel and even has tried to stop several times, but she ends up hooking up after a couple weeks. She has been discreet and it is usually like once a week so it isn't like she is has gone crazy, but I wish she would stop. Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): You should seize this opportunity, meet other people and see if you find anyone perfect you. Go ahead and try falling in love with someone else. It'll ease your feelings and let you tolerate your wife. And when she sees you in love with another woman, maybe then it'll hit her home what she's taking for granted.
Jus live your life in spite of her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): so mike, she actually instigated the open marriage, very convienient of her. she perhaps manipulated you into agreeing to this. well, now that you definately know this is not for you, then she has to make a decision. either you only or the other men. you will survive this break up, just believe in yourself. you know very well she is enjoying both worlds and she would not choose only you.
good luck. plse be firm in your decision.
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (24 June 2009):
It's understandable why you agreed to it, seeing that it was something she really wanted. You can't change her, and if she's determined enough she will never stop. So the only question left is do you want to stick around and be miserable or do you want to get out of the situation? There is no reason why you wouldnt be able to find a woman you love who also loves you that is willing to be faithful. You've tried talking it out with her and you've hit a wall. You can keep banging your head against that wall or you can find a way either around it or break through it. The choice is inevitably up to you. She's not changing anytime soon. Good luck in your decisions, if you don't make yourself happy no one else is going to do it for you.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 June 2009):
So she brought it up...hmmm. Well if that's what she wants then that's what she's going to do. I don't see her changing if that's how she feels her marriage should be. Don't get down on yourself :( Sometimes we make mistakes and want to make our significant others happy. Just prepare yourself, you may have to leave her...why should she be happy cheating on you while you get to be miserable? I'm not saying go cheat on her, two wrongs don't make a right. But if not being in a marriage with her is what will make you happy then that's probably what's best. Just like any relationship, including marriage, respect and trust are the two biggies, and so far she's not showing any of that. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
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A
male
reader, mikefounds +, writes (23 June 2009):
mikefounds is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was her idea to have an open marriage. It was a topic of pillow talk over the years. I agreed because I know our sex life wasn't very scintillating and I wanted her to be happy. So now she is happy and I'm feeling embarassed and inadequate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): she knows you don't want this open marriage anymore, yet she continues having sex with other men. this speaks volumes of her. it is not that she cannot help herself, it is that she has made a conscious decision to still indulde in sex with these men. this decision means to hell with you and your feelings and she could not give a hoot of her actions.
i know you are feeling helpless right now, but you need to make some tough decisons shortly. she cannot still run around with other men, no matter how discreet she is, and still remain your wife. i think an ultimatum is in order. if she doesn't comply then maybe a seperation and a divorce is the answer. i think you know that you are not enough for her anymore. she will not change her ways and you know this. this is a tough call but for your own welbeing/salvation/ peace of mind you need to take drastic steps. whether you want to go this route is up to you but something has to give in your marriage,either she stops with these other men or you stop with her. it is a hard choice but a necessary one.
good luck
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 She is hooked on it and like a drug it is hard to let it go especially as it has been going on for so long and it has been part of her lifestyle for so long. Because it is seriously affecting you it needs to be sorted out and as you have already discussed it with no change the only alternative is to go to a councellor. The problems seems to be why she needs to continue doing this and if there is an underlying issue then telling her to stop won't work. She will need assistance to work through this only then will change be possible. By the way if the arrangement has been working well for several years what has led you to want to change now? Your answer to this question I think is important..for you too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): You asked her to stop, she knows how you feel about it, yet she continues anyway? If you no longer agree with it, and she knows that then she has crossed the line over to cheating. Since you've tried talking it out with her and that obviously doesnt work maybe you should start trying to make yourself happy instead of relying on her to make you happy. I dont want to jump right in and say the "D" word, but if she continues to disregard your feelings on the situation then divorce might be something to think about. Or at the least find someone else who does care about how you feel and wants to make you happy... afterall its an "open marriage" so it's not like your wife would have much room to talk.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (22 June 2009):
So what made you guys agree to having an open marriage? Just my impression on open marriages is that it's usually one spouse convincing the other that it's a good idea, while the other just thinks it's ok if it makes the other person happy and that it's not really "cheating" if the other person is ok with it. If she knows how you feel about the situation and still continues to cheat on you, then that is a serious problem. In her mind she still thinks it's ok because that is what she has gotten used to. I wish I could give you a better answer than what I gave you or something along the lines of "talk to her again" or "give her an ultimatum." I think this is something you should consider going to counseling about. It's a tough situation and probably requires more input than just you letting her know your feelings because obviously she isn't putting them into consideration.
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