A
male
age
41-50,
*azamayadi
writes:I have been with my wife for 5years, we have been married for 4 years. I love her with all my heart. I love her so much that I believe if we had met at any time in my life no matter what I was doing or what I had going on at the time, I would have drop it and been with her. But let me get to the point. I am really, really Jealous and gross out about my wife's past sex life. When I met her she already had a kid so it's not like I am the kind of guy that needs a virgin. Besides it's not like I have a clean past. It all started when we were visiting some friends out of town. And for some reason she felt that she had to get something off her chest. She told us that there was a point in her life when she did not know who the farther of her first child was (the one she had before me). Now she had told me this before when we first got together but she told us a different story from the one she explained to me in the beginning of our relationship. When we first got together she explained that she was in a relationship with a guy that was on drugs real bad and had no goals in life that uses to cheat on her real bad. So she got a friend of her own and ended up getting a baby and did not know who the farther was. I was up set a little but I had some form of understanding for what she had been through, and besides we were 1 month into our relationship and I was in love with her and did not see it as a big deal really, it could happen to anyone in a situation like that. Now but the situation she told us at our friends house was completely different. She explain that she was young and in high school and she was into after school activities that require money for trips, uniforms, and pictures so she used her looks and body to get money form guy that liked her enough to be her boyfriend. the problem is she had about 6 so called boy friends and ended up get a baby from one of them. Before she got with me she figured out who her child's father was. But what I am up set about first is she lied to me and hid this from me and decide to get this off her chest in front of our friends (I was so so so embarrassed). I feel like she could have kept that to herself and I could have went the rest of our life not knowing this and been just find. So my question is this how do I get over this I don't want to through five years away. Beside I have two kids with her and one on the way and I love her other child like she is my own. But I fine myself thinking about all those guys and how much of a whore she was been than, when I am not with her, when I am with her, and when we make love. I am so so so confused right now. what do I do to move on ? someone please help.
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drugs, jealous, money, move on, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): Ego? Whatever.
She's been lying about who she is. That is a problem. It would be a problem if she had lied about being a convicted felon or a lesbian or had an STD or any other deep issue.
Her partner does not have to apologize for being very upset about this. He did not create this problem. She did, when she lied.
It would have been his problem if she had told him the truth all along, but that is not what happened here.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): It's really about her belief system. If she still thinks it was all absolutely normal and even fun then you have to rethink about weather you won’t to be with that kind of person. If she does not think its ok and according to what you wrote she 'got it of her chest' you need to first put your ego aside, and help her summarize and learn from this! Putting your ego aside is not easy... you will go through phases… first you have to understand that what she did has nothing to do with you. Then you have to stop despising yourself for not recognizing this kind of attitude in her before. At the end you have to believe in yourself. Good luck
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 May 2010):
 What matters now is that she's told you the truth. I agree with q1605 on this. Women are held to such a high standard that men never have to deal with. When it comes to this issue remember that men can never have the, well I don't know who the mother is drama, but they participate in the same activity. I don't think anyone is beating him up for this. So please, try to keep that in mind.
That said, her telling you in front of her friends was selfish and just downright a horrible way to tell you. She probably did it because she was scared you would react the way you're reacting and needed her "airbags" there to support her. She should have just been grown up about it and told you elsewhere. Also, I'm sure this caused her constant guilt and she had wanted to tell you earlier, but was scared you'd leave her. I hardly think calling her a whore is appropriate. No man would be called a whore in this situation. It's simply because she's a woman.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): You have been wronged. Not by what she did back then, but rather by her lying to you about it. "It" is a part of who she is no matter how unpleasant that might be to think about.
She could have told you the truth or she could have told you nothing (as you even say you would have preferred.) But instead she first lied for a while, and then also told you the truth when you didn't even want to hear it. No wonder you are upset.
So what can you do about it now? Well, either get over it or leave her. No other choices. You are pinned between ongoing emotional hurt & loss of self-respect by staying with her, or saddling yourself with the guilt of hurting your wife & kids if you leave.
It's not fair you in the slightest bit. I know. It sucks. But that's the position that she has put you into.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Hey Taz,
Let me explain a christian belief to you. You may or may not believe it but it may help you get through this.
As Christians we believe that we can be forgiven for mistakes we made in the past. Part of that process is that we become "born again". That term is understood by different people to mean different things. Here is how I get it. It means that the forgiven person becomes a new person. The old is done away with.
Now you love your wife. You have only known her as the new person. Now you are trying to reconcile the old person you discovered, With the new person you love. That is not a good idea. The old person is gone, The mistakes she made are paid for. Of course she remembers them, the memories help her to avoid similar mistakes in the future. You may need to know about them to help you make sense of her relations with people from the past. But, and this is the big one, you need to remember that that is part of the old person that you don't know, not part of the new person you are in love with.
You certainly aren't the same person you were when you were in high school. Neither is your wife. Her story is a sad one. You are the happy ending to it. Don't take that away from her.
FA
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A
female
reader, PixiLaTed  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 I think the key to this is that she WAS like this. I assume she has changed, and is not the same person as she was when she was young? Everyone is entitled to a past, no matter how dicey (but I think you understand that). If the thought of her as a 'whore' grosses you out, just remember that she was young and naive, and just made a mistake (a pretty big one). If your wife was the jealous type, perhaps she would be amazed at how many ladies you've bedded? Some women can get very jealous about that, even though it's in the past, before they even know the guy!I think she lied because she was embarressed herself - perhaps ashamed of her behaviour? I don't think she lied maliciously to you, just to make herself not feel like -as you said- the 'whore' she once was. Telling the story in front of friends is strange, and perhaps that is worth talking to her about. But I think just give it a little time and remember that she was a different person, who made mistakes, than she is now. Besides, you can't be jealous of a time when you weren't involved with her. it IS gross to think of other men with her, but understand that as you were entitled to a love life with other women before you fell for her, so was she. If she loves you as you love her NOW, don't let the past influence how you feel about each other x
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A
female
reader, bigsister83 +, writes (9 May 2010):
1.) How about instead of thinking of her as a whore you look at the past her as a confused teenage child who made poor decisions that she obviously was not ready to make? What would possess a girl to feel that this was the only way to make money? I'm guessing it probably wasn't a stable home life with super supportive parents. Separate the woman of today from the high school girl and look at what her life was like.
2.) Talk to her about how this caught you by surprise and how the manner in which she told you was upsetting. Use "I" statements instead of "You" so as to not accuse, just express your feelings and let her know that it embarrassed you. You may need to see an individual or couples counselor if you cannot stop the intrusive and negative thoughts. You can't continue to obsess about this without it harming your relationship.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (9 May 2010):
Gosh this is all causing you a lot of angst. You must try to work out why this has happened just now and not before? Is there something else that you are not telling us.
She has lived a very complicated life but it is in the past and may well have been a little immoral. She may have lied she may not even know the truth herself as we delete things we do not like sometimes and we do move on and forst to?
What is it that you want to do? Mither on about this for years or just get on with things. Perhaps you might try a counsellor. It is not nice to refer to her as a whore either as who are we to judge what is right or wrong?
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