A
female
age
30-35,
*xshaunaxx
writes:first of all, let me apologize for this being so long... it is a LONG story ( and this is with leaving a lot of stuff out)me (age 15) and "MT" (age 17) both really like each other. we arent dating right now because he is under a lot of stress (due to a bad childhood coming back to get him) and he has trust issues (some of his past girlfriends have cheated on him and he has been screwed over numerous times by people he trusted). however, he has told me i am one of the 3 people he actually trusts.so about a month or two ago, he had nowhere to stay (his gandmother kicked him out and his best friend screwed him over) so he stayed at my house for about a week. we got a lot closer physically in that time... (no sex, though) but then he had to move back in with his mom, so now he is about 2 hour drive away. and i miss him, A LOT. but we have been talking on the phone for hours and hours every night (sometimes until 4am even though i have school the next morning, he kinda makes me to go to sleep because he knows i can, and will, stay up talking to him all night...)so one day, i broke down emotionally because i missed MT so much. my friend came over and we talked. i guess somehow i slipped and told her everything me and MT have done. and after i realized it told her, i asked her not to tell anyone, and she said okay, she wont tell anyone. well, she got mad at me one day about a week later and told our other friend who made a big deal about it. well, my friends came to the conclusion that he was using me, so they were doing everything they could to get me to forget about him. (even threatening our lifelong friendship) i talked to MT about all of this, and he was getting mad. so he called my friends and talked to them about it. they told him i told them about everything we had done sexually. (he didnt know i had slipped) i thought that right then and there, i had lost his trust, but no, he stayed with me and helped me to work everything out. i basically told my friends that i had lied about everything because i was under a lot of stress because i had found out my sister relapsed on drugs (which was true.) and i didnt feel like talking about itso now things are good with my friends...now the real point of this question...when he was staying with me, and we were in my bed together one night, he asked me if i wanted to have sex. i said no because i felt i wasnt ready. (im a virgin, hes not) he didnt pressure me or anything, he said he understood, and that was that, nothing awkward between us or anything.and now, we are planning on me going to go visit him next weekend. i have been thinking about it a lot lately, and i know i am ready for sex (he doesnt know i feel this way right now) and i want him to be my first. i have no doubts. but i am worried about my friends... they think nothing is going on between me and MT. and if they did find out, i would have no idea what to say or do... and also, is it really a terrible thing to have sex if we arent dating...? weve talked about "us" before and he said once he gets everthing straightened out. (meaning, once he finishes school on this online course thing, he is going to get a full-time job up here and he will get his own place, that will be about two months)so basically, i just want to know:-what should i do about my friends?-is it bad to have sex if we arent dating?-what do you think about this whole situation?thank you in advance!!shauna
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): if your friends were REALLY your friends, they wouldn' make such a big deal about is. im still a virgn and i kno what it feels like when you know who you want to be your 1st, but it never hapns. i dont think it would be wise to have sex unless ur dating. talk it over with him first though. your friends need to stop being drama queens. my best friend had sex last year, told me about it, and i was like "well that was your decision. and the rlationsip didnt last very long afterwards. if you have anymore questions ill answer them. email me at [email address blocked]
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female
reader, hello1  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Okay I didn't know your freinds were having sex. Just ignore them, they are being two faced and if I was you I wouldn't really listen to them. You don't have to tell them you have sex. On your guy, some guys say anything to get a girl to like them or have sex with them. The long distance thing a bit bad too BUT if you want to have sex with him, then do but remember to keep your mouth shut.
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female
reader, xxshaunaxx +, writes (3 February 2008):
xxshaunaxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirst of all, let me thank all of yall for your advice!many of yall were worried about STDs, hes gotten tested and he is clearand about pregnancy, we would most definately use a condom and i would be getting on birth control.as for our relationship, i have decided, before we do anything else, we are going to talk about everything. (he has already told me he would never use a girl for sex, (this came up when we found out one of our friends was doing that) and the thought of using a girl for sex makes him digusted.)the thing with my friends... i dont know! as far as i know, they are a bunch of hypocrites, they are off with their boyfriends having sex and they wont let me be with the guy who i am in love with. I do have a friend i can talk to about everything, and he wont judge me or tell anyone, so i do have someone else i can talk to about this. just wanted to give yall an update! and i am going to be smart about what i do...thank you!shauna
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female
reader, just-ask-xx +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Ok, so you really like this guy and you feel you're ready to loose your virginity to him.
First of all, tell your friends, if they're really your friends, they'll accept you like him a lot and at least try to be nice to him or at the very least considerate.
Losing your virginity is a really big step, so here's some things to think about, sexually transmitted diseases (STD's) AIDS, HIV, a chance of becoming pregnant, etc.
So protection first of all, if you are really ready. Make sure he wears a condom, and if he doesn't, refuse him, if he's not a virgin, you never know!
Although the thing about not being in a relationship? Maybe call him and ask him what exactly you two are to eachother, then make your final decision:
Is he going to be your first?
I hope this helps some!
Take care x
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female
reader, hello1 +, writes (2 February 2008):
Well in America the legal age is 18, so that's properly why your freinds are freaking out. If you have sex, which I don't think you should do. I mean you two aren't even b/f or g/f, you might not even see each other again. I also don't believe he's going to be able to find a job and move down there in 2 months! no way. If you can live without your freinds, then have sex with him. But if you do, keep it secret cause it sounds like their either
A. Ditch you
B. call you names behind your back
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): I agree with Dr.John. However, having someone suggest that you shouldn't have sex at your young age, doesn't mean you're going to take that advice (even though it's really great advice). So I'm going to attempt to target the non-medical and non-baby having situation since that's already been covered. First off, are you in a relationship with this guy or your friends. Right there, being worried what your friends think is a non-adult reaction and concern. You obviously need someone to talk to and for some reason you're not talking to them (one or all)about this. Carefully think about your situation and talk to your friends. If they are your friends they'll be there for you. So choose wisely who to open up to. If you feel like you can't talk to any of them, then don't be concerned about what you're friends would think. If it got out, your defense is that it was a your personal situation that you didn't feel like talking about. You have that right not to disclose everything to your friends!Secondly - is it bad to have sex if you're not dating? It could be. There's nothing that tells me this guy is going to be with you in the future. Trust me. If he wanted a relationship, you'd be in one. It doesn't matter where he's living and what he's doing. So with so much uncertainty I'd question if it would be appropriate to give him something as special as your virginity. It may not seem like it, but it's very likely that you will regret it. You will meet someone that will show you intense love. It's great that you two can talk for hours and have great chemistry and be good friends, which is a foundation for a good relationship. But I'd work on the relationship first. Actually make sure there is one. No commitment means that after you two do the deed (and you will like it and think about it and fantasize about him more) he will still be free to be with other women. Are you prepared to handle that, him being sexually intimate with other females after you just gave him your virginity. I'd think about it a little more if I were you. If you have all these questions, it should be a red flag waving in your face that maybe this is not the right time. Establish a trusting relationship with him first. I'd also like to add that rushing into sex is not a wise idea. You guys should talk about it. Talk about it a lot. You said he's not a virgin. It's not a bad idea to request that he get tested for STDs. Condoms don't protect against all STDs so he can tell you he's been safe all along and still have one. And some STDs like genital herpes, stay with you for life. Then finally after you've talked it to death and you still feel you're ready, make sure you're on birth control and using condoms and be wise enough to understand that even that is not 100% fully protective. Sorry for the lecture, but it had to be said.
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female
reader, onlinecounsellor_Dale  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Hi ShaunaWow, it sounds like you and MT have already gone through a lot together. I also understand that your feelings run really deep for him, and that you are of the opinion that you would like to take this 'next step' and lose your virginity to him. Despite these feelings, I believe you are right to hesitate and I am relieved (for your sake) that you are asking the questions which you are. Your careful consideration of what is, after all, a major life decision (i.e. the decision to become sexually active) tells me just how 'switched on' you are!Now, what should you do? Ultimately, the decision whether to become sexually active or not is yours to make. There are, however, perspectives you can get from people like myself, which may help inform your decision. So... here are my tips for you to consider:1) Be clear on what your motivation is for wanting to have sex. Is it purely about you, what you want and feel ready for or is it, in part, about making MT happy or an attempt to 'hold onto' him?2) Ask yourself honestly whether you are ready for the responsibility of a sexual relationship and everything that goes along with it, such as the need for contraception, risk of pregnancy and STIs.3) Consider why people who love and care about you (such as parents and friends) would be opposed to you becoming sexually active now. Pay attention to their objections and consider their relevance for you carefully. Also ask yourself whether it is worth risking their disappointment by having sex.4) The decision to lose your virginity, once acted upon, is irreversible. You can never get your virginity back. 5) You have explained how much you miss MT already and how difficult the distance between you is. I can almost guarantee that if you begin a sexual relationship with him, it will feel even harder for you to be apart. Sexual activity usually increases emotional attachment (especially for females). Do you want to lose your virginity to someone whom you are unable to even call your boyfriend and who you are unable to see because he lives so far away?I hope the above has given you something to think about Shauna. I really hope that you make the decision which is best for YOU in both the short and long term. Good luck!Dale
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male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Sometimes people who care about you may try to pull you away from someone you may care about thinking they are doing you a favor. In some cases they are.
In this case you say you think you are ready for sex.
Are you all through being a kid?
Sure, you like this guy but is he worth throwing away what is left of your childhood?
Sex is something you can always look forward to.
Your childhood, though, is something that you only have for a few short years, then it is gone forever.
Only after it is gone do you really realize what a treasure it was to have.
When you start down the road of sexual activity you leave behind your childhood innocence and go through the door of a whole new set of responsibilities.
To begin with you take a chance on becoming pregnant.
Are you ready to support a child and to be the kind of mother you need to be.
What if he does as I know so many guys have done in the past and drops you like a hot potato leaving you with no kind of support and the innocent little baby with no father which a child so desparately needs.
That is what happens with just one little accident.
Even with that aside you will have to start having regular pap smears and pelvic exams and such.
These are the responsibilities I am talking about not to mention the worries about std's, HIV, AIDS etc.
I know, you say; "That would never happen to me!"
You know how many times I have heard different ones say that that have ended up being treated for std's or are now dead from AIDS.
They also said that would never happen to them.
Please don't become a part of the statistics. I really care about you. Doc
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female
reader, alexisrae +, writes (2 February 2008):
Well...about the friends part first; if they truly are your friends, they're not going to be mad at you. Friends should be there to support you and push you in the right direction. If they understood how you felt about him then they should be totally supportive about your relationship; you should be able to tell your friends everything, in my opinion, and you shouldn't be judged by your friends for your choices. However...about the sex thing, I'm not trying to condone sex and say it's the right thing, but if you want to do it & see what it's like, you're gonna do it. Period. You're gonna do what you want reguardless, maybe this weekend, maybe next year, but you're gonna do it. Just make sure he doesn't have any diseases and you all use condoms & whatnot because stuff happens...for real, stuff can happen, even if you think it won't. So just make sure it's what you want. And lastly...I've come to learn that guys do & say what they want, point blank. There's no underlying messages or little "codes" you have to try to figure out- they do what they want and if they don't want to do it they won't. I'm not saying he doesn't like you or whatever, because I don't know your relationship, but if he really wanted to be w/ you and date you, then he would officalize you guys "dating". That's just my thoughts on the matter...so I hope it helps you out some. Good luck. :o)
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female
reader, xdarkendhopex +, writes (2 February 2008):
 If you think you are ready to have sex, then have sex. Just make sure in your heart he's the one. And about your friends, just tell them how you feel about him. If they don't understand they can just get over it. And if they don't you need new friends!
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