A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have lived with my girlfriend for nearly 1 year now having moved in with her after about 4 months although this feels alot longer as I have spent more or less every day with her.Ever since I've moved in she seems to want to spend every minute of her time with me giving me no time for any of my hobbies eg. football and playing on my computer.We spend alot of time watching soaps and other rubbish on the TV when she comes home from work. I hate TV and would rather be on my PC instead but she seems to think that I don't care about her if I do that instead of being with her as though it's a threat to her and I always give in and do it for peace.I used to play football saturdays and sundays which now I only play on sundays so I can spend the day with her on saturdays which is fair in my opinion and I've stopped going to training in the week.I am starting to wonder if I love her or not anymore but I don't know if it's just because we spend so much time together.We usually go out together but if she goes out with her friends I do worry about her and miss her.I know i'm probably being unreasonable by saying this but she looks absolutely gorgeous when she goes out but when shes at home and shes not made an effort I dont feel half as attracted to her.She looks after me well nipping to the supermarket when we've ran out of rolls and buying me things when I can't be bothered to go shopping, sometimes a bit like my mum lol although I more than pull my weight around the house.When she talks about marriage or even children I get a really bad feeling in my stomach. I don't think this is the usual man scared about commitment issue but that I dont know if I can spend the rest of my life with her. She is a bit older than me so she is starting to want these things.I would be gutted to split up with her but I can't see myself staying with her for the rest of my life and it really annoys me when she whinges about me playing on my computer. I have to do this when shes out at work now.Good points - She looks after me, earns a good wage, is a really pleasant girl, has good intentions, looks gorgeous when we go out and very classy.Bad points - She is quite clingy, trys to stop me doing my hobbies, occasionally wonder if I still fancy her when shes not made an effort. I'm not sure if I can spend the rest of my life with her thinking that there might be something more for me.What do people think of this relationship are these issues quite normal as I might be being completely stupid and not being grateful for what I've got or on the other hand should I be looking for someone who I want to be with all the time and not feel like this with?Any ideas? sorry for the essay
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): I think you have a very reasonable concern. Actually, my boyfriend and I have been together about 2 yrs. but I remember in the beginning when all I wanted to do was spend time with him, EVERY DAY!The more time we spent together, the more we argued and the more strain it caused on our relationship. Clingy is definatly not a good thing and neither is a lack of personal space.
Firstly & Honestly, YOU NEED YOUR SPACE! Everyone does! You need time to yourself to just hang out and do what you want to do without any drama. Taking that away from you could cause you to feel trapped. And even, resentment toward her because you feel trapped.
Secondly, Try to understand her:
In a relationship, women REALLY value closeness. That is a necessity if we are to be truly happy. We want to be around our boyfriends so much that we often don't realize it is damaging the relationship. Men don't need closeness to feel secure like women do, so this may be a difficult concept. Maybe she senses your feelings, so it causes her to become even more clingy? (women are very intuative)
Thirdly, WHOAH! SLOW DOWN! Don't talk about marriage yet! No wonder you have so much anxiety about the relationship! She puts a lot of pressure on you, huh?
Fourthly, I Wouldn't want to sit around watching something only my BF could enjoy. Maybe tell her that you don't really like soaps (who the hell does?!?!?!?) and suggest something you both can watch. Anyone say Family Guy? = ^ - ^ =
When my boyfriend felt we were spending too much time together, we talked about it calmly. He explained that he loved me more then I can imagine but he still needs his space to do things that he wants to do. He also plays computer games...its what he likes. At first I was offended but when I realized it didn't have as much to do with me as it does his own personal happiness, I felt better. You appreciate each other more when you spend some time by yourselves. And we have been happier ever since.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, how can you miss anyone if they are always around!?!?!?
A
female
reader, jabey +, writes (26 June 2008):
when living with someone alot of the excitment, mystery etc fades. I think you have reached this point. I do think from what you are saying is that you are being very reasonable by giving up some of your hobbies to accomadate her needs. Although I dont know why you had to give up training in the week. As a partnership I feel we should all allow the other to explore their hobbies and its healthy to have our own interests.
Perhaps you both should be making an effort to go out together and rekindle the flame. Make that effort with each other like you probablly did at the beginning.
You will know for sure in time whether you are just comfortable with her, or whether you really love her. it does concern me a little that you are only findind her attractive when she is dressed up. I think if you were really in love especially after only a year, you would find her attractive whatever.
So good luck at the moment your gut feeling I think is that its not right, in time you will feel this more strongly, or not.xx
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Mate,
I'm not too sure what to think. On the surface she sounds like she is quite controlling, but on the flip side spending all night on your computer is hardly a way to foster a healthy relationship.
At the end of the day I think you want different things in life. You are still young and like playing football and probably hanging out with your mates for a social drink etc.
Basically I think you two didnt set your priorites when you moved in together. If she is mentioning marriage and children then she wants it.
You need to have a big talk about what you both want for the future. If she wants babies and marriage ask her how long is she prepared to wait for this. Also tell her that you feel its unfair that you cant have your independence. If you have a couple of kids and limited time, then spending evenings training for football or playing on the computer will mean you arent pulling your weight in the relationship. But you dont have kids, so you should be free to have your own "me" time.
She sounds a little controlling if you ask me - and you are allowing yourself to be walked over if she makes you sit and watch stupid soap operas - for goodness sake show some kahunas and call them for what they are - empty headed mindless entertainment - fine if she wants to watch them , its a free world, but you shouldnt have to torture yourself joining her - I certainly wouldnt.
But its more serious than soap operas isnt it, its all about your future. So sort it out by talking to her about it. You may find you can work things out, you may find she wants to walk down the aisle sooner than you expect.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Hi
I dont mean this horrible, but you dont sound ready for full on commitment to me yet, but i accept i could be wrong. Although i dont think you should be giving up all your hobbies because she doesn't like them, i think compromise is good. Why should you have to sit through Eastenders if you dont like it, yet she wont put up with you checking your emails? I dont think chatting to all n sundry on the net for hours on end is healthy in a relationship, nor is being flat out on games every evening, but its like i said, compromise.
But i dont get the feeling you are ready for living with someone, you seem to like the fact she looks after you, and even commented on the fact she's like your mum in that way. Not good reasons to live with someone. And she's not a trophy to hang on your arm. We cant be dolling ourselves up to the nines 24/7. Show me a woman that does that, i will show you someone who must be on speed! Even top models dont live like that inside their own homes. We've all seen Peter and Jordan documentries lol
Seems to me she is getting on your nerves, and if you are wondering if there is someone else out there for you, you might be right. You come across as quite mature for 22-25, but i would think you need to be the single guy for a bit longer though going by your words.
Just my opinion, only going by what you have put in here.
See what others think.
C xxxxx
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