A
female
age
36-40,
*hyness21
writes:hi i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and about 2 years ago he cheated on me. i decided to forgive me we are all humns and i believe we al deserve a second chance so i forgave him. but mving on our relationship just like many other has ups and downs all the time i say y trust him and i think i do . but like everytime he gets a text message i get all paranoid and start thinking and wondering who it is i have gone through his phone before and found messages from other girls . but guys are guys and i guys many of you might say i am stupid but a text is just a text and we live together and he is always aroud so its hard for me to think he is seeing someone else.. i do say that a text is jjust a text but why do i always have the urge to look through his phone? am i paranoide or whats gong on what should i do. he only goes out with his friends on fridays and is not even ou they are always at somoene house or something and the rest of the time he is with me. but he always freaks out about me loking at his phone and never leaves it laying around and sometimes even puts it on vibrate please help me.... p.s sorry is so long
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female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Oh just stop being paranoid. Ignore these people who say things like "once a cheater always a cheater". That really annoys me. I wonder whether they're really that insecure or whether perhaps they're just jealous of anyone having a proper relationship?
Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes they're really big mistakes like cheating on a partner. Most people learn from their mistakes - like realising how much they really do have to lose. A very, very few people don't learn - just like a very, very few people never learn it's wrong to take sweets that don't belong to you.
If your relationship feels good, if he feels good, then the chances are that it really is good - and the only thing messing it up is going to be your mistrust.
Go with it and stop worrying. If he feels totally comfortable with you then he's not going to cheat even if the opportunity arises. Make him feel comfortable - not nervous like you're watching his every move. That's the worst you can do, because sooner or later it'll be a case of "what the hell, she doesn't trust me anyway, so what difference will it make if I cheat a bit". Don't push him in that direction. Love him, and let him love you.
And if anyone can understand Uncle Sneaker's "good cigar" quip, then could they please explain it to me. He won't.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): I know you are looking for some peace of mind. But in my opinion I find it hard to give you peace of mind because in reality, a guy who cheats even once, is more than likely to do it again. So I don't think your paranoia is unfounded. You have very good reason to be paranoid. In reality, forgiving someone who cheats, doesn't mean he won't do it again. All it means is that you are willing to accept him as he is, cheater and all. You know who he is and what he is capable of and still you wish to stay with him. I would be paranoid every second. Forget that. I wouldn't want to live that way.
I know you see it differently. You feel like you caught him red-handed, he said he was sorry, and he promised not to do it again and its all over now. That sounds good, but the reality is that you can't trust this man.
So you can do one of two things. Stay with him, and try to somehow be happy and stress-free even knowing that he might very well cheat on you again (and again). Or leave him and find someone who truly loves you and wouldn't do that to you.
But if you really believe that somehow he is trustworthy, you are just fooling yourself.
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A
female
reader, shyness21 +, writes (26 June 2008):
shyness21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your answer sometimes i do ask him but he gets mad because he says i dont trust him and stuff and just acts dumb or he will tell me it depends but i feel like me asking him all the time makes it very clear that i dont trust him.. and i try to i think i do he just does lil thing that bug me or that make me doubt and when i talk to him about it he is like whatever sometimes i feel like he does thing just to annoy me and bug me like he enjoys it
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Indeed, shyness21. A text is only a text, in exactly the same way that a woman is only a woman - but a good cigar is a smoke.
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