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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Thanks for reading my question...My husband has over the last few months lost interest in me sexually. At first i didnt notice, we are busy and all. But suddenly realised that it had been 4 months...I spoke to him and said hon, whats happening? And said , boy, has it been that long? OK tonightwe must... But as i came out of the bath he was fast asleep in bed.He says he loves me, and dont have reason to doubt him... He says he look forward to being with me forever etc.But the whole no sex thing is bugging me. Esp as my sex drive seems to be sky rocketing now as i am getting closer to 40!I keep asking and am starting to feel like a nag.Now he said ok, he is just not that into it anymore. But if i initiate, he will participate...So now i have to do ALL the initiating. And he seems to enjoy it. But he has no interest in initiating himself. If fact he seems relieved not to.The thing is, a major part of enjoying sex for me, is my husbanding initiating it, making me still feel sexy and wanted...Now I just feel like I am some kind of sex crazed nutjob for wanting sex 2x/month at least.Not getting it at home makes me look around at work and out and about. And i am wondering about an affair. Havnt told hubby that! He is suc a nice guy. Just doesnt want sex with me...What should i do?
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affair, at work, sex drive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, tahoe02  +, writes (2 August 2009):
HAVE HIM GET HIS TESTERONE CHECKED!!! I had this very problem and recently started testoserone injections. After about 2 weeks you both should see a dramatic difference. Don't let him get out of this. Tell him you're worried. In addition to low sex drive it also causes loss of energy (sleeping?).
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behaviour. BUT.
They push men for commitment.
They become attracted to someone else
They start cheating
They become angry and resentful
They blame their partners for their behaviour,and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.
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A
male
reader, Stephen Stewart Nixon  +, writes (31 July 2009):
 If your relationship is not working either make an effort to fix it or leave it. Don't cheat; your partner does not deserve that. No matter how good the sex would be in an affair you would still have to live with the guilt for the rest of your relationship. Eventually you would end up leaving your partner anyway because the first months of a new relationship are very exciting. Be warned your new toy would soon turn into the same old routine with in a few years. Give you partner a chance to understand the importance of sex to you. Let him know that you need him to want you and if he doesn't respond then explain that you will have to leave the relationship. At least then you have put your cards on the table and been honorable about the situation. You may find that his lack of sexual desire is more to do with how he feels about himself rather that how he feels about you. An affair is a very cowardly act which will get you know where. If sex is that important to you leave your relationship and find someone new but don't cheat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): This question has been asked many times. So as not to repeat everything, read my answer to this question and see if he has any of the symptoms that I mention.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-wont-touch-me-what-should-i.html
It is estimated that at least 30% of men 40 and older have low testosterone, but that only 10% of those realize it and are being treated for it. Some of the first symptoms are loss of libido and some mild erectile dysfunction, followed by the other symptoms. Or course, problems of low libido can also be caused by a relationship problem or some other psychological problem.
When the guy loses his sex drive, he will often still enjoy sex, but will not have that primal desire for sex. I like to think of it as desiring sex from the brain in his top head instead of the one in his lower head. He desires it because he knows it is enjoyable, but that tingle and basic desire is gone. This could be why he will still have sex with you if you initiate it.
My wife has rarely initiated sex with me in our 30 years together. It is probably her hormones, as she loves sex and is in to it in just a couple of minutes after me starting the foreplay. It does make one think that their partner doesn't like sex with them though. When my desire was low, my wife would sometimes initiate the sex and now does that from time to time. I can understand why your husband likes that. After so many years of him having to initiate, it is a good feeling for him to have you be doing it for once. Why should he feel any different about his partner initiating sex than you feel?
Talk to him about it and then have him see a doctor if neither of you think it is a psychological problem. Especially if he has any of the other symptoms that I mentioned in that answer I linked to. The problem is finding one who understands hormones in men.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 July 2009):
 I have the same problem, mismatched libidos. I know it seems strange for a guy to want to be desired, but I do. Any way the way we are working around this is. Scheduling sex. We talk every week about when we are going to do it. Then unless someone gets too sick or some emergency comes up we do it. If I want her to initiate it I have to tell her in advance and remind her. Actually that doesn't always work. She really doesn't like the planing part. Any way the other night she woke me up for sex. big grins I would suggest that you plan more than 2 times a month as more frequent sex will improve his desire. Remember it is not just you he is not interested in it is all sex. He could also have low testosterone. Cheating is not an option for me as I am not rich enough to have a wife and an ex wife (just kidding) I just don't believe in it. I suggest scheduling for you because he is willing to help. Just make sure he takes his turn every so often.
FA
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A
female
reader, Helples +, writes (31 July 2009):
 I don't suggest an affair. It isn't the road to go. Think about being in his shoes, would you like it if your partner had an affair with someone else? Try going to sex counseling, if they have the sort of thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): Thats the answer,have an affair? I know what to do any time things dont go right. 6 men in 4 years? Fell in love every time lol.I bet you even had the face to be in a bad mood each time they dumped you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): i am in the same situation and had the affair ( well 6 in the end over a period of 4 years), I dont recommend it. The men i had the affairs with were all so affectionate and lovong in bed that i fell in love evry time, and got my heartbroken each time. all they wanted from me was sex. good luck i dont have the answers only what didnt work for me, i still with the bf of 14 years still bored as hell but together cause of the kids
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