A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It seems since I have been 17 years old I have been chasing men. 13 years later an two bad relatiosnhios and a broken home(my parents are miserable together) I have had enough. A little back story ( since my early twenties I have done everything to escape my misery- chased men like there is no tommorow- worked on my degrees - worked on my looks - hung out with a crowd that was worse than me - chased money - and all this came crashing in my face. Through INTENSE therapy this year I have stopped. I hang out with my sister who is the only genuine person I know and am trying to work on my self esteem; this though is so hard. I find myself still attracting misery. The people at work are all the old me- catty girls chasing men and gossip- women not to be trusted; these women are like my old friends. It feels like as hard as I try I still can't find happiness; I haven't dated at all ; ii quit social media and it feels so weird to be with myself all the time. Has anyone come out of this happy? Material things used to make me happy; showing off and fake friends made my day better; and chasing men and loving men that weren't emotionally there for me was my escape- now I'm alone- I realize that was all an illusion through therapy but I don't know what to do. I realize there is a calmness in me but I feel so old. I don't do anything - I walk around to the mall. I don't like volunteering and don't have hobbies beside well having self pity.Please be kind with the advice - I just want to get better
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (2 August 2017):
You need to learn to love yourself and love your solitude.When you are confident enough to be on your own, you are ready to have a partner.You don't need fake friends, nor to buy stuff you don't need, nor date guys they don't care about you.Step 1: Find one or several hobbies, NOW. Check your local newspaper or a local website, and find any activity you can join and do new things. Anything like arts, sports, reading, or anything that you have always been curious. Step 2: Once you have spotted several activities that you like, sign up and commit to those activities.Step 3: Become good on what you do. Step 4: Eventually, you are going to find guys that are genuinely interested in you, really. It's likely that you've been looking in the wrong places all this time. Finding Mr Right in a bar won't happen.Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): I am the same way. I have always had a man in my life. I don't think I would know how to be alone nor would I like it. For me, when one bus (man) leaves, there is usually another bus to replace him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 January 2017):
 I can only keep giving you the same advice: hobbies, friendships, job, etc.
Do you go to the gym/swimming? If not, consider it.
Do you volunteer anywhere? If not, do.
Do you have a hobby? If not, find a pottery club, tennis club, etc.
If you're bored of your job, look for a new one.
These are easy changes, but you need to make them. You've done well getting rid of the dodgy friends and not chasing guys constantly, but you need to fill your life with positive things, like volunteering and hobbies.
You're welcome to keep posting, but you need to try to update us and talk to us about why you don't want to do the above things or why you haven't been, so that we can further encourage you to make these great changes.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 January 2017):
 First of all, have a big HUG. You are at a crossroads in your life and change is always difficult and uncomfortable at first, primarily because you are in unfamiliar territory and it is scary. Secondly, a big WELL DONE for realising the way you were living your life previously was not making you happy. So many people keep chasing happiness in the wrong places and wonder why they constantly feel unfulfilled and constantly need more. You have taken that next step and distanced yourself from what does not enrich your life. Now that you have done all that, you need to allow yourself to settle and regain your emotional equilibrium. You mentioned that you feel "calm", so you are obviously already getting there.Use this time of calm and peace to re-evaluate your life. What do you want to achieve in the next 10, 20, 30 years? If you were to die tomorrow, what would you like to be remembered for? (This does not have to be anything like discovering a life saving cure; it can be something as simple but worthwhile as being a genuine caring person who helped others.)If the banter at work makes you feel uncomfortable (you have outgrown your work colleagues), just smile politely and distance yourself from it as much as possible without being rude or causing an atmosphere. You do, after all, have to work with these people, so maintaining good relations will make your work life easier. I think, in time, you will work out what you want to do and where you want to be. You say you don't like volunteering. Why not? There are so many charities crying out for help that there must be some you could lend a hand to. There are homeless charities, charities which help old folks or animals. Charities which help abroad. What about volunteering to go to one of the African countries for a couple of weeks to work on a project? You would meet a lot of lovely people, see a bit of the world AND make a worthwhile contribution to people much worse off than you. You have led the sort of life that has not left room for hobbies, so it is probably not surprising you don't have any at present. There are so many to try though. If you don't enjoy them, you don't have to persevere, but give them a go. What about joining a walking group? Or an aerobics class? Or reading about something which interests you? Or perhaps there is something you have always wanted to try, like a certain craft class maybe? Give it a go. You will meet new people and, hopefully, make new friends who you have more in common with than your old friends.As for having a man in your life, once you relax and stop chasing, I believe the right man will appear and there will be no need to chase. And if not, then you will be leading such a fulfilling life that you will not miss having a man by your side.There are many happy people who feel no need for a partner by their side. Stay strong. Allow yourself to try new things. If something makes you happy, do more of it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): Having no hobbies is the bit you are doing wrong.Find something you love to do. I have my horse, I love riding I go up to look after my horse and ride everyday, that is my escape. Some past boyfriends said I liked the horse more than them and honestly if I had to choose I probably would pick the horse. No drama,no grief always enjoy it! If I didn't have my hobby I don't know what I would do
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (29 January 2017):
 Not chasing men and being open to seeing them are different things though. Just because you aren't chasing them doesn't mean you're going to be alone the rest of your life.
And you're on the right track, don't hang out with people who bring you down.
Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're lonely. I know it sounds corny and trite, but it's true. Take this time to learn more about yourself, everybody has things they are interested in.
Read a book, watch movies, go out with your sister, pick up a new hobby even be it biking or painting, or anything really.
Social media is not the be all end all. I wish I could quit it.
Keep your chin up! There's so much more to life than dating.
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