A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for 2.5 years and married for 5 months. Our relationship was picture perfect. No arguments, completely devoted to each other etc. Not to mention he stepped up and has been a father to my 2 kids from a previous marriage. I've done everything for this man and have tried to give him everything he has wanted including his 'dream' dog, a cane corso bull mastiff mix. We got the dog about a year ago and she has been nothing but trouble since she has been here. She has destroyed my house, poops and pee in her kennel (She's 100lbs), and is the only cause for the arguments we have been having. Our relationship has completely changed because of this dog. Oh, did I mention she bit my son in the face (but bc she didn't do any damage my husband doesn't think it actually happened, when I am the one who heard my son scream and found him laying in the fetal position on my kitchen floor, and both he and my daughter told me she bit him). Any who, I have been completely depressed over this dog, to the point I dread coming home. We constantly argue about the dog, until one day I had the last straw of her destroying my house and told him to rehome her (yes we did training, collars etc.). So he takes her to a newly wed couple with no children. 2 days later the couple called and request we come get the dog….So I allow him to go get her (bc I don't want to see her in a shelter) with the intentions that he would continue the rehoming search. Wrong...he keeps the dog. I am royally pissed… I tell him no he needs to rehome her, and he insists on keeping her. Finally I am so frustrated with the situation, and I tell him it is me or the dog, and if he chooses the dog then he needs to leave with her. He packed up the dog and left. Am I wrong? I am on the verge of being divorced over a dog!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 March 2016):
 I would not follow your friend's advice to make the dog vanish suddenly , behind your husband's back. Trusts issues ? I think that could be the kiss of death for any couple .
How come it's all HIS dog this and HIS dog that , HIS pet, HIS property, etc.- and then you can do anything you want with HIS belongings ?...
How would you like if coming home one day you found that your husband has taken YOUR car to the junkyard, or YOUR clothes to the Salvation Army ?!
City operated and govt. operated "shelters " will put down dogs when the facility is full.
Breed rescues , and privately owned all breed rescues, operate based upon totally different criteria.
It appears from your updates that you did not know that.
Check the breed rescue websites, learn how they work , and educate your husband about it. If his concern is the wellbeing of his dog, he can't have objections to a rescue .
Unless of course he is been stringing you along all the time, and only said , OK I'll rehome my dog for the second time, just to make you shut up for a while ( which would not surprise me, seeing how NOT seriously he must have taken your ultimatums and your alleged safety concerns. But that's another story ).
There's a problem with breed rescues, and it is that some of them have rules according to which they could not accept your dog. Like, some will not take mixed breed dogs, Or, dogs who are not neutered / spayed. Etc.etc. You'll have to check.
In any case there are other resources. Seek online for
" all breeds rescue ", or " Humane Societes " or " SPCA ". Some of these DO put down dogs , for lack of space, but the majority will be no-kill facilities,and/ or can count on a network of volunteer foster homes.
You just need to start doing some reasearch and contacting the organizations. Also, in a rescue you don't just show up and drop there your dog, no questions asked. There are forms to fill, with plenty of infos required about your dog ( age, weight, temperament,diet, health, reasons for relocating it etc. etc. ). Print down the forms , fill them with your husband, or fill them yourself and pass them to your husband to sign.
If you spare him all the trouble and the " legwork ", then he has no good excuse to pull back from your agreement .
If then he refuses to sign , again that's another story, your problem would not be that you have a rambunctious dog, but that you have a husband who lies to you shamelessly in order to have things his own way. Which is a problem that perhaps would suggest the removal of the HUSBAND from your premises ...but you'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2016):
 The hand writing is sooo on the wall. Get rid of the man with his dog. He obviously doesn't give a rat's ass about your opinions or your children. Not about the man or the dog just a woman hanging on to false hopes. Pull yourself up by your boot straps and move on.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 March 2016):
 We get frequent notifications each time you provide an update. Which is why Im still here and Denizen and everyone else who posted. No un-subscribe button.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDenizen... If you're bored with it, why are you still reading the column?
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 March 2016):
 I'm getting bored with this. The solution is in your own hands. If your husband has agreed to move the dog on then do it. If you think there might be trust issues then what about the ones in which he has agreed to get rid of the dog and is then procrastinating?
Put an ad in the local paper 'Good home wanted'. You need to use a bit of initiative here.
This is one of the longest issues I have encountered on DC and it's all about a dog and the owner's failure to deal with it.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2016):
 You're missing other resources: the dog's veterinarian and the local dog behavioral specialists, such as trainers for problem dogs (which in 99% of the cases is actually the humans' fault). Veterinarians are trained not only in the medical side of things, but also in the behavioral issues.
Call the veterinarian, lay out the situation and ask for guidance and leads for rehoming.
Contact the local dog training academy and get their best trainer on the case.
You have to do the work as the one with the children who require a safe home.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2016):
 I agree with Honeypie. Call the rescue.
Maybe get someone from the rescue to come talk to you and your husband and meet the dog to discuss how rescues work.
Your last post said you were contacting shelters, you offered to take over the rehoming...
YOU or your husband do NOTHING but call the RESCUE which is NOT a shelter.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2016):
 You getting "rid" of the dog - whether it's to the local shelter or a rescue IS not the option I would choose.
First I would call them and find the nearest available rescue center/fosterhome, then jot down all the info and talk to your husband.
IF he agreed to re-homing the dog, THIS is the next logical step. Trying to find a family on your own? It may not be be viable, and he needs to accept that.
This is your husband. TALK. And I suggest NOT in front of the kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very confused... I am NOT resistant to the rescues. My HUSBAND is, if you read my responses you would see I've asked for advice on how to get him to agree to taking her to one. A co worker who I have been talking to about it also suggested I just take her myself, and just let him come home one day and realize she is gone. Does anyone think that may create trust issues? Bc I think that will be my next step.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2016):
He's agreed to "rehome' the dog
CALL the RESCUE.... why are you so resistant to the RESCUE?
they are there for people just like you who don't want to put a biting dog down but know how to deal with a dog like yours since the RESCUE is BREED specific
OP why are you so RESCUE resistant the dog could have been OUT OF YOUR HOUSE by now.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (3 March 2016):
I think he has already agreed if I read you correctly. All that needs to happen now is that one day, when he gets home, the dog is no longer there because it has a lovely new home which YOU have found and arranged.
There - you tell him you appreciate how tired and busy he is so took it on yourself to help him out. Job done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk let me make this less confusing... My husband came back (bc I called apologized and told him to, but still stated I felt the dog was not suitable around the kids) so he agreed to rehome her and came back with her. Same routine went on, it is now a week later and he has yet to even attempt to look at prospective owners, and now every time I ask him "how is the search coming" he gives me an excuse "oh I was tired all day" "well not today, I promised to take the kids to the movies" "my back hurts" "oh honey I don't see why we can't just keep her" (the last statement is what he said to me last night). We fight about it, and he concludes with "fine... I'll rehome her" but doesn't begin the process...my husband and I do not work during the week, and the kids are in school during the day so when I say the dog is only in her kennel for an hour at a time it is just that. If we go to the grocery or gym she goes in it, if my husband goes out to run an errand she goes in it... She sleeps with him on the couch, so animal abuse is of no concern in this situation. I don't manage her at all because the last time I took her out she pulled me over the deck railing. When my kids come home from school, we go upstairs (me and my kids) or outside, or just out. She's not freely roaming my house, she's usually just with him. I am looking into shelters now, I just need to get him to agree to it.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 March 2016):
Wait a minute ; I am getting confused !
"When my husband came BACK, he stated he would rehome the dog ":
So, isn't this much ado about nothing ?.. Your husband accepted AGAIN to rehome the dog. Just as you wanted.
Now just let him the material time to do it; he is home since only a couple of days . He needs to find a childless single male , with a large house and yard, and plenty of time to put into dog care , who also needs to be soooo into giant mixed breed molossoids ( a small,
" niche " section in term of canine tastes and fads... ) to take in one which is a handfull, and not housetrained yet. ( is she spayed , at least ?... ) .
It may take some doing, nevertheless, if I understood correctly
" when he came back etc.etc." - this means your husband has came around and you got what you wanted . So, why aren't you satisfied ?....
- " What was I supposed to do when he came back, send him away ? "... Well, since you ask : YES! Obviously.
" I'll be wildly happy to have you at home again... as soon as you don't have the dog anymore ".
That's how ultimatums work and that's how you prove you mean business .
If ever you find yourself,or put yourself in a position where you say " my way or the highway "- then it better be true. It can't be " my way .... or also, maybe not....we'll see... " because you lose credibility and any future negotiating power , you lose the other party's respect, and you show that all in all you did not take the issue really seriously.
A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker, not something you eat back the following day. Otherwise, it becomes, and it is seen ,as a tantrum.
( And that's the reason why it's better to have very very few, and wisely selected , dealbreakers ).
- I am also confused about this dog's current accomodation.
No, I don't want to rat on you to PETA,lol :)cross my heart ! I am sure that any discomfort this dog may suffer does not come from any intentional cruelty, just as a result of a misguided choice.
I am just curious, I guess- ...how do you manage this dog in practice ?
Yes, you stated that the dog is never kenneled for more than an hour at the time . But, you also stated that your husband now keeps his dog kenneled anytime he is not at home.
How can both statements be exact ? Where does this dog STAY ? How can your husband always be out for no more than an hour ?...Oth, how can you feel safe if the dog is free and roaming the house so very often ?
- Breed Rescues NEVER kill the dogs they rescue ! ( It would not be such a big rescue if they did ...) They find new homes for them if they can, and if they can't, they'll just keep the dogs , as long as necessary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, I prefer to rehome her to male who is single with no children, but he doesn't really want my input on the process, and yes he did tell the last prospective owners about the incident. I am going to talk to him about the shelters.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 March 2016):
 If the dog is dangerous then why would you want to rehome him to anyone and have that danger put on them? I hope you will tell whoever it is that this dog has attacked someone. As most people don't want an aggressive dog and need to be warned.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not resistant at all. I even told him last night I would be happy to take over the rehoming process and he told me "no." How do I go about suggesting a shelter?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 March 2016):
OP you seem resistant to contacting the rescue...that's exactly what they are for.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2016):
https://canecorsorescue.org/rescue-faq/
https://canecorsorescue.org/
The Specific breed rescues do NOT euthanize healthy dogs. They find them forever-homes instead.
SEVERAL aunties suggested this. So maybe? look into it with your husband? Instead of dismissing it without any research.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the article Ivyblue, very sad ;(
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChi girl I appreciated you leaving this thread bc I was on the search for people to give me sincere advice not attack me for being upset about my current situation... In America (or at least in the state where I live) dogs are euthanized if not adopted after a certain number of days, especially a dog of this size (I have looked into it). I want to rehome the dog in a home that consists of no children, and preferably just a male who has lots of time to dedicate to the dog. When she goes in he kennel its for no more than an hour at a time (as I've stated before) so there is no issue of abuse... When my husband came back, he stated he would rehome the dog. What was I suppose to do when he walked in the door with her tell him to leave again (as many of you said I shouldn't have). Again this is not a pissing contest. There is no battle to be won, when the damage is already done. I don't have "imaginary" pride to swallow. I want the dog rehomed in be best interest of everyone and at this point sure I'll take her to a shelter but my husband will not allow that.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 March 2016):
CindyCares, I believe when she says the dog is in the kennel all those hours, she means locked up in a cage. It borders on animal cruelty, but that is dependent on the number of hours of course. A dog should not be in the kennel for more than 6 hours straight, and that usually accounts for the night time....
I left this thread alone for quite some time now, but maybe our OP is ready to listen to solutions now, rather than attack the ones who don't support condemning her husband (really, what good comes out from pointing fingers anyway). If you want to pass blame OP, sure, blame your hubby. But that offers no solution at all, so I suggest you give it a break and stop barking up that tree. It will lead you nowhere. The "safety of the kids" argument is also lost. Dog in kennel or kids in "kennel" (locked upstairs) is not a good solution for neither kids nor dog nor anyone. But it is a temporary set-up that gives you time to think of what to do next. So instead of attacking this solution and being stubborn and only seeing your way as the correct and only way... be open to other ideas.
1. Be honest with your husband and with yourself. Why do you not want this dog? Because you don't want a dog at all, or just this particular one, based on size or her personality etc. etc.
2. If it's about this particular dog, suggest getting a different dog. Maybe from a shelter, but a smaller dog that you feel you are more capable of handling. A smaller dog will take up less space, so can be placed in a smaller area for a longer time period than a large dog. Not a kennel, but perhaps a separate "dog room" or place in the yard.
3. Give up this crusade about the dog not being placed in a shelter. If you are truly concerned for the safety of your children, or if this dog is actually the big problem you say she is, then a shelter IS an option. You refusing to put the dog in a shelter makes you come off as not wanting to find a solution at all, but merely making all this trouble because you like the drama and you want to win a fight no matter the cause.
4. You keep the dog and set aside the appropriate amount of time for it. Walking it, training it etc. This is something your will have to cooperate with your husband on. Equal amount of time should be spent on the dog by both of you. Divide who takes the dog out on what walks and for how long. Ideally 30 minute walk before work in the morning, 30min to 1 hour walk in the afternoon after work and then another 30 minute walk or more in the evening before bedtime. When the dog is at home, agree on a place in the house that is dog friendly while the kids are downstairs. Example, the dog gets to be in the kitchen when the kids are in the living room. Put up a kiddie fence to keep the rooms separated. That way, the dog is still part of family activity and everyone can be downstairs at the same time and the dog gets to move about.
Number 4 is a sure way to ensure everyones happiness. But you must swallow this imaginary pride related to only doing it "your" way, which is re-homing her. Your husband and you tried that, it didn't work as planned. No matter if you both agreed on it at first, he is allowed to change his mind, and it does NOT make you the losing party if you compromise with him to find other solutions. Other solutions might work great for you as well, so do open your mind to them.
There's also option number 5, if you can afford it:
5. Hire a dog walker and/or use a dog sitter (like baby sitters, they have the dogs at their place during daytime/working hours). An occasional dog walker would be cheaper though, as dog sitters would be mostly used for when going on vacations or when you have just a small puppy that needs much more attention.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 March 2016):
 Be warned: it contains horrific injuries
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female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (2 March 2016):
http://fourleggedfriendsandenemies.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/bull-mastiff-dog-attack-leaves-boy-5.html
Sit down hubby and show him this. Prevention is better than cure. He wants the dog, he doesn't need it. If he has any sense of where you are coming from then it should be a straight forward and speedy decision. If not then your decision should be equally straight forward and speedy and say good bye to both him and the dog.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 March 2016):
Right, it is your husband who allows the dog into the house- but he can do that because you allowed HIM into the house, when he showed up with the dog after , what ? 24 hours ? 48 hous ?... from your "ultimatum ".
My personal surmise is that this would not have been possible if you had been REALLY concerned about the safety of your kids, but never mind what I may surmise because it's irrelevant.
The fact,though, is that people talk through their actions, and yours sent your husband the clear message that :
either you are not really worried about the kids and you use them as a manipulative excuse to have it your way , -or else that yes, you are somewaht concerned ,nevertheless you can get over it , and would do and accept anything at all, as long as you can make your husband stay.
I think it's the first case; it shows from the ( crappy, I agree ) "safety" solution he has found. Because now you can't claim you are endangered. You will have to just come out and say that you hate the darn dog- at which your husband could , not totally unreasonably IMO, object that your strong dislike for the dog is just as strong as his strong like for her, so why your dislike should necessarily trump his like ?...
Any way : You've lost any leverage you could have - I doubt that if you issue a second ultimatum he will take it more seriously than the first.
Then again, it's not even a matter of ultimatums - just of hard choices.
It is what it is. You ( and we ) can go on for hours, if you wish , declaring that your husband should be more considerate, more flexible, more selfless, more this or that. Well, maybe he SHOULD - but in practice he is not. How are you going to deal with this ?
I am simply suggesting that you pick your battles carefully.
Never do anything that goes against your principles and reason ; so, if you feel that the dog issue is very important, in fact vital to you- then it is,period. But in this case you should be able to fight it seriously and consistently , and also prepared to accept that you might win the battle, and lose a husband in the process.
Oth, if you decide that this is a husband worth keeping, with all his flaws , his stubborness, his passion for dogs... then compromise. Negotiate. Work out something.
Maybe you could allow a trial period of X weeks, or months, ( but I strongly recommend you again to have the dog professionally assessed ) during which your husband commits to exercise the dog, to teach her the basic commands, to clean up after her if she makes messes, etc. If she does not improve ( or if your husband fails to do his part ) then she will be given away.
That's just an idea, you could work out your owns. As two reasonable adults who supposedly care about each other should be able to do , regardless of who in theory is more right or wrong. It's the bull-fighting dogs :) who are supposed to have the blind, single- track minded determination to win at any cost; not the humans.
Also, please try to not let your ( legitimate ) anger and ( understandable ) frustration cloud your judgement and fairness.
You got your feathers ruffled when people commended your husband for having accepted into his life two kids that are not his own. YOu replied " So what ? I do not owe him eternal compliance to his wishes ,- it was his free choice to do that " ( absolutely right ).
Then you say that you helped him out and took him in and supported him financially for a whole year... and he does not owe eternal compliance to your wishes for that; it was your free choice.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Said this, I do hope that you succed in rehoming the dog, in the best interest of everybody, dog included. Maybe I misunderstood due to the language barrier, but, is the dog being "kenneled " downstairs inside the house ? What does it mean, that she is being kept crated for hours and hours ?!..A one year old molossus ?.... Oh boy. I hope I misundertood ;that's going begging for trouble. I wish you success in getting rid of the dog..and in remaining dog free forever, or at least until your husbands gets a clue about owning dogs, let alone giant breeds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo... Now I give him the ultimatum "Me or the dog"...?
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (1 March 2016):
If he is not listening to you then show him the door. Your children safety is priority here, and they should not have to wait upstairs, and the dog should not be locked in its kennel, its not fair on your children or the dog. If he insists on being with the dog then he will need to leave as well. I would see the point if he cared enough to train the dog and take proper care off him but he has not. Time for you to take charge of your home and tell him to leave. You cannot make him get rid of the dog, but you can ask him and the dog to leave if he is not willing to listen to you.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2016):
I'm sorry, I get that he feels a responsibility to the dog - but I would REHOME him AND the dog asap.
This should be non-negotiable.
Find and contact a Cane Corso rescue (I think one of the aunties gave a link) then tell your husband there is no choice here. He can of course leave with the dog and then THAT marriage is over.
I would NEVER let a man put my kids life in danger or make them live in a situation like this. Yes, I get it the dog may not be dangerous, but... IT'S not working out for the family as a whole.
I do wish people spend a LOT of more doing basic research before getting pets, whether it's a dog, a snake, bird or whatever. If the WHOLE family is NOT open to having a pet, then sorry... no pets. Or you end up in such a desperate situation as you are in now.
There should be NO doubt what to do. Talk to him, BE and adult. Tell him to BE an adult as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis solution to me feeling the dog is a danger to my kids is putting her in her kennel whenever he is not home, and making the kids go upstairs if he wants to bring her out... So he is ignoring my pleas to rehome her for the kids safety.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone please listen to me.... I have told him over and over and over again that the dog is not suitable to be around small children... So of you say "well then why are you allowing the dog in your house?"... I'm not, he is. So then I ask, "ok so then how do I make him get rid of her?..." And the answer is I can't.....? We've talked over and over again... I say she's not good with the kids, he says he loves the dog....
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (1 March 2016):
You cannot make him do anything. However if you think this dog is a danger to your children then should you not have told him already to get the dog out? I'm sorry but am not sure I buy that you genuinely feel like this, because if you did you would never have let the dog back in the house. I think you just don't want the dog any more, and that is okay as well, but you need to talk to your husband about this. The longer you ignore the issue the more it is going to effect your marriage. You both need to sit down and talk about this properly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to bring up the point that we had already made the mutual decision to rehome her and actually did... When she returned it was my husband who made the decision on his own to keep her without consulting with me.. Does this mean anything? So in future disputes, if my husband is against me doing or having something that I feel passionate about, will it be ok for me to just disregard his feelings and do what I want anyway? Bc in every other aspect I have been a good wife right? I took him in and took care of him and supported him completely his last year of school, so then he should just bite his tongue, put on a grin and deal with it? Bc in retrospect, that's what I am being asked to do. I don't want to go into detail but when my husband and I first began dating there were things in my life that I loved/ loved doing that my husband (boyfriend at the time) was against and made his feelings known... And I gave those things up and said to myself "I love doing this but... I love him more." I guess I feel cheated if that makes sense, bc I know if the tables we turned and it got to this point I would part ways with the dog in order to keep my marriage intact and undamaged.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 March 2016):
You can't " make" anybody do anything which they do not want to do, unless at gun point- so you should check first if there's room for compromise. I.e.
- Would he be willing to let go of the dog instantly once an unbiased professional assess her and confirms your suspicions that she is potentially dangerous ?
- or, specularly : would you be willing to grin and bear , and put up with this dog that your husband obviously adores ,once she has been assessed and declared not dangerous ? ( at least, no more dangerous that any other dog if handled properly. Remember that even a cocker spaniel can bite you to the bone if you scare it or handle it incorrectly ).
I think this is the main issue, and the one, if he is a minimally responsible step parent, let alone a good one, he may be sensitive to. ( That you do not fancy this dog, and how she messes up your house,- well, your husband has shown that he can live with this ).
You should dip into your savings one last final time, but it should be worth it . Get a referral from ACVB ( American College of Veterinary Behaviourists ) and call a VB to assess your dog. NOT a pet trainer , anybody can "become a pet trainer in 5 easy Internet classes " - or even be self taught. Some will be expert and knowledgeable enough,... and many will be quacks.
A VB instead will be a guy who holds a degree in Veterinary Medicine AND a Masters or a Phd in zoology or animal psychology. He will be capable to evaluate if your dog is TOO aggressive ( in the sense of pathologically aggressive . Some display, often symbolic, of aggressive behaviour, is just the normal, genetically programmed response of certain breeds to a certain stimulus. The guard dog who goes berserk at the mailman is not mad or bad, it's just doing the job he is being bred for since a few centuries ), where this aggressivity comes from ( genetics, physical pain, fear, dominance and territory issues, poor handling by the owner, even wrong diet, etc. ) and what to do about it IF there's something to do about it. In short, a professional will be able to tell you if your dog is safe around your children ( with the usual cautions that have to be implemented when exposing kids to ALL dogs , including Teacup Poodles.... )or not.
He could also tell you if your dog is HS/HA ( hypersensitive/ hyperactive ) or not. An hypersensitive dog may freak out and lose its head hearing, say, someone sneezing, or blowing their nose. And that's unluckily a dangerous dog, because , while you can -and should - - teach children how to touch dogs and where, how to approach them, move around them, etc... - you can't teach the poor kid to never get hiccups or never cough etc.
Conclusion : let a reputable professional assess if this dog poses an actual safety threat to your children. This is a field in which " mother's intuition " may not be so reliable after all, if unsupported by enough experience and knowledge.
If the dog is assessed as potentially unsafe for you or your children, I cannot think that your husband would have objections to ship her out pronto, but if he does- you would have to ship HIM out pronto, because his priorities are all wrong. But that's really a worst case scenario.
If the dog is deemed not dangerous to people, and recuperable with the right diet or meds or training or ?.... yeah I know, you do not want her underfoot anyway, where she sweeter to your kids than Peter Pan's Newfoundland. But... you can't always get what you want... you must really have underrated the attachment your husband has for this dog and how important she is to him...so if you want to keep ypur husband ,and keep him HAPPY, as long as your and your kids' physical safety is not challenged, perhaps you will have to lose the battle to win the war...
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 March 2016):
 I really thought you knew what you wanted and had made a decision. Yet here we are. Still trying to push each other into the shape you have imagined for each other. It is no wonder you don't feel comfortable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I do feel she is not suitable to be around my kids, yes I have told him this since he's been back and yet she's still here.. So then how do I go about making him rehome her?
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (29 February 2016):
He has not choosing the dog over you, in fact you are the one that has asked him to make the choice, the dog in his eyes has not made him pick, therefore yes he is not going to part with the dog.
Now you said that you feel this dog is a danger to your children? So if that is the case why are you allowing this? Surely if you where genuinely scared then you would not allow this dog under the same roof as your children?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe dog is still here, and we really aren't speaking, and he sleeps on the couch with the dog... I wake up and go to be angry over this situation, and find every excuse to leave the house so it's not rubbed in my face how much he desires this dog over me... Even after everything that happened he sits next to me and starts rubbing, kissing and calling the dog baby.. Feels like a slap in the face. It makes me so angry and hurt bc I know I would never do something like this to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe dog is still here, and we really aren't speaking, and he sleeps on the couch with the dog... I wake up and go to be angry over this situation, and find every excuse to leave the house so it's not rubbed in my face how much he desires this dog over me... Even after everything that happened he sits next to me and starts rubbing, kissing and calling the dog baby.. Feels like a slap in the face. It makes me so angry and hurt bc I know I would never do something like this to him.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2016):
He's home, the dog is home, the kids are home no one wants the dog put down (and a shelter will put down a dog that bites)
contact the cane corso rescue.... see what they suggest.
https://canecorsorescue.org/
they may have training for you or a way to rehome or foster the dog.
btw training the dog means training the HUMANS that own the dog not sending the dog off for classes. And it means that the whole family has to be consistent with the dogs training. both the adults and the children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2016): I got a Cane Corso, and BoerBoell mix. We live happily with my wife, my 2 years old girl, and the dogs.
No, it's not that obivous, nor simple.
I think i know what the problem is:
- There is no "His Dog"...
The dog is integrated member of the family, and sits at the lowest position of the pack. Please read Jan Fennel's Dog Pschyhology.... Fennel's toddler was bit by her dog - before she figured out, how the dogs are "working".
- There must be rules: Eg: our dogs can came in, but only into the hall, and bathroom - not the other rooms
- I can give them food, and get it back from them anytime. They must'nt protect their food from me - newer.
- If they don't listen when i ask, they wont got treats etc...
- When they don't react to the most important orders in time, i punish them immediatly. (I have 3 seconds to do it, after the wrong move)
- Where the dog lives, it destroys the environment. So you can have a nice garden, and another one guarding by the dog - separately.
- If the dog bites your kid, that means the dog doesn't integrated into the family. (PLS READ Fennel's book)
IF she integrated into the lowest position of the pack, she'll never show her teeth to kids, nor anybody in the family
So, the question was very wrong:
"Can I have a dog" instead "Can WE have a dog"...
If you train YOURSELF, and teach your kids how can they handle the dog - there will be no problem at all.
- In the other hands, my cane corso growled to my 8 months old toddler once . As it turned out, she suddenly tapped the sleeping dog's head from back - frightening the dog.
But our rules are hard - and one of them : The dog mustn't show any level of agression against family.
I flipped out the dog from the hall, and locked out from the pack for days. She learned from it....
The dog must'nt decide (or ask) anything at all. If you are the pack leader, you make decisions. Is THAT simple. If you let the dog make decisions, it means he/she in charge.
What if your dog is in higher position than your kid, and think's that your kid stands in a wrong place, and tries to push him away? What if the dog push the kid into a glass-door? No, it's not a dog's fault! You must show the way... If you not showing the way for the dog, the dog will find another one to follow...
Another rules...:
- if they came to me "asking" play with them, i ignore them (i'll play with them later, when I decided it)
- if they asking for food, they dont get any food that day
- if they try to pull the leash, we don't go anywhere while they try to control the situation
In the other hand's i take care of them. I love them, and keep their needs in my mind also - as they are real members of my family.
Now, my 2 years old toddler can play with the dogs with minimal attention. Yesterday she almost pierced the Corso's eye with her finger - as a game - and the dog allowed it to her....
You must'nt leave your kids with any dog alone/unattended, until you sure that they have 100% control over the dog. Trained dog's menthal capacity equal to a 2 years old human...
Can you imagine the brain of a 2 year old, in a ~30-50 kg body with the muscular power of the grown man? Even if you trust the dog 100%, the dog easilly can knock over smaller kids unwillingly - while jumps and plays around...
The dog is not a toy,nor a property. The dog is an individual member of the family.
(Sorry 4 my english ;) )
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 February 2016):
I think you misunderstood me, OP: I never said, nor implied, that you should accept shoddy treatment or prevarication by your partner just because he was generous enough to accept, and love, someone else's kids.
( Although, let me be brutally honest- this should get him big brownie points from your point of view, because, as you may have noticed, in general men are not particularly eager to take on a ready made family- far from it ).
I only meant that, if he is such a good partner, with never an issue betwen you but the dog, great husband and great father, maybe it's the case to see if you can forget ultimatums and instead meet him half way ... come up with some other solution but the ONLY one you want, and which he does not want...( If just humanly possible , of course. We are not talking here of becoming subservient or self effacing just to keep a man ). Substitute " nasty dog " with "interfering mother in law " or " rebellious stepchild " or any other possible big cause of strife , and I would have said the very same thing.
Of course , it is only up to you to decide how exactly valuable / irreplaceable is your relationship with this man.
( Let me add, no offence meant, that if you report faithfully what happened, maybe he is not THAT great as a stepfather : he was watching the kids, ... therefore standing right there or close by, -so he is supposed to have seen what happened ,... and he is in denial and says that nothing happened and the child was NOT bitten ?... Uhm. ).
Also, you reject my definition of your conflict as a " pissing contest ". Ok, I'll redefine it more politely, but yet fittingly ,IMO, as " posturing ": come on, nobody here sticked to " say what you mean and mean what you say ".
You throw around very serious ultimatums- just to wring your hands 5 minutes later , deadly scared that he has taken it seriously. And he packs his stuff and goes away with his dog in a huff.... just to come back two days later, tail between his legs, so to speak, BUT dog firmly in tow.
I wonder, why don't you stop trying to scare each other and just sit down like two mature adults ,to talk abot your priorities ( like : kid's safety first ) and see IF they coincide , or HOW to make them coincide in practice ?...
To end, I'll will produce another pearl of canine wisdom :). Bear with me, it may not be useful to you since most probably you'll dispose of the dog, but it may be of interest to some aspirant dog owner.
I think I know what's wrong with this dog. If when you mention "6 weeks" you meant that your husband got the dog when she was 6 weeks old ( not that the dog was bitten at 6 weeks ).... eh this was a big mistake. It was too early.
( As a matter of fact, in my country it is illegal selling puppies before they are at least 60 days old, and it is punishable with a hefty fine- from 5000 to 30000 euros ).
But also where it is legal, it is not wise. No reputable breeder would give you their puppies before they are 8 weeks old, and if they are 12 weeks old, even better. Some breeders of particular breeds, like, big herding dogs, like to keep their puppies until 16 weeks.
From 6 weeks ( barely just wheaned ) to at least 8/ 10 weeks, it's a very, very important period in the life of a puppy , that's when they go through an intensive, crash course of Dog Life 101. They learn from their mother , and father if he is on the premises, the basis of interspecific ( with other dogs )interaction and extra specific ( with men ) interaction.
Skipping this phase, very often will result in a a dog with behavioural problems : separation anxiety, fear-biting, excessive aggression, low rate of learning ability ( which result in low trainability : the dog not learning where and when he is supposed to soil, or to come back when called,etc.etc )and others.
I am not saying that this happens always with any 6 weeks puppy, because ,like persons, dogs too have their natural character and personality. Some are just smarter, more confident, more happy -go-lucky than others. No point in telling me : but I got my dog at 40 days and he has always been a piece of cake. Yes- you got lucky. But in general, taking a puppy who 's under 60 days is asking for more work that you can do with more patience that you can have.
As for the mother of the dog biting her because she felt the puppy was mentally abnormal- that's absolute BS.
It is true that some times dogs kill their own puppies when these are deformed or sick ; that's a form of natural selection, the mother instinctively wants to keep more food resources ( her milk ) for the puppies who have better chances to pull it through until they are wheaned. But no dog is a good psychologist enough to detect which 3 or 4 weeks puppy has a bad disposal ....and they would not care anyway :)- that's a human problem.
As for biting their puppies, in fact it will be a warning nip, or a nibble, and this is something that all dogs do routinely and normally with their puppies. It's their way of disciplining them, the equivalent of a pat on the backside for a child. It's part of their way of teaching them things, what they are supposed to do and what they are not- that crash course that your dog did not have time to complete.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): For goodness sake better be safe than sorry. This dog can harm your kids. Please convince your husband to see reason.Get rid of the dog before it is too late. As the previous poster suggested give it to a shelter or to someone who likes dogs and be happy to look after it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): I think the problem might lie in the fact that you don't want the dog to go to a shelter and so you are ratcheting up the emotional input of all future contact.the dog doesnt mind going to the shelter.The dog is happy with a shelter.The dog is not a child..it is just a dog.You and your partner are not responsible for the future welfare of the dog but you are responsible for your child and how you conduct yourselves in each others company.For goodness sake stop worrying about the dog and get back to reality.It doesnt matter if the mother bit the puppy..dogs communicate like that so please ignore the sympathy story from whoever sold you the dog.Dogs dont like a whole lot of emotions and you were not fit to take on the dog due to your prior commitments.Just go back to the previous people you were and hand the dog over to the shelter and the dog will be delighted.Dogs dont like negative emotions they just like walks and foood.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had already agreed, and actually did rehome the dog.. After that arrangement did not work, it was my husband who went back on that agreement and decided to keep her.. My kids safety is my priority always will be. And I don't feel this is a suitable dog to have around my kids... Husband is back home.... But so is the dog... I told him it was not fair that we agreed to have her rehomed, and then he reniged on that agreement..
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): The dog biting is a deal breaker. You've put your children not to mention sanity first. Quite right. He has made his choice. I hate to sound harsh but I do wonder if he was looking for an excuse to leave. When you get a dog they need a lot of patience and training. Certain breeds are harder and can be dangerous. Leave him to the dog if that's what he prefers. He has made his feelings clear.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 February 2016):
 I am do sympathize with your plight. I can relate to what you are going through and I realize what kind of dog you are dealing with. They are indeed strong and big animals.
Unfortunately, you backed your husband into a corner when you said, "It's me or the dog". You left him with no negotiation and no outs. It was the equivalent of saying, "I give up".
Do realize too, that for men, dogs are their best buddies. I was strongly attached to my Collie and would've crossed a desert for her.
Here are some things to consider:
1) Keep the dog outside or in your garage. I am not sure of the feasibility on this but a cheap portable heater and designate a space for him and he might be set. Unfortunately this sort of life may not be best for him.
2) Continue to look for a home. Contact a vet, a pet shelter, etc. People like these kinds of dogs and there can be a demand for them. You may have given up too soon in finding him an alternative home.
3) These dogs can be dangerous -- especially to children. You don't mention how old your children are but sometimes young children, if they tinker or tease a dog, can accidentally enrage it. These dogs can be killing machines. Take a moment and think about how you would feel if the worst happens (it does -- just take a look at the newspaper sometime). Your children's safety comes first... that is one guilt that you don't want to live the rest of your life with.
Ultimately, there is a solution to your problems and I do feel for you. You want to be loyal to your husband and your pet, but one will have to go to once again restore peace in the family. It just may take a bit of additional footwork -- as a team -- to find a solution.
Eddie
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 February 2016):
Defending your (very reasonable) position to us will not bring him back. You won't always get everything you want. Sometimes you have to give up something you want for something you want more. I have no problem with your priorities.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): I agree with you OP. You tried to compromise by letting him get this dog. It was NOT your idea and between your other responsibilities, I can totally understand why you wouldn't be able to also have a pet. Your husband is in the wrong for not giving the dog the care it needs and maybe he can't- honestly it sounds like a troubled dog. You are sweet to not want it to go to a shelter, but I expect someone else will scoop it up quick, lured in by the same attraction your husband had to it. Your kids come first and certain dogs aren't a good fit for kids. I don't care about the bite marks- you are a mom and anything that messes with your kids and sets off your mom intuition needs to go!In terms of your ultimatum, I also feel I would have done the same thing. But I think you should reach out to him and discuss this and share that you want him home- just without a dog. If he can't reason with you, then I feel he has the issue. I'm sorry for the criticism you've gotten on here. It's certainly unwarranted and I don't understand people who treat animals as more valuable than humans.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he's actually back home.... But so is the dog ;(
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 February 2016):
 It's been 2 days now. No contact from your husband? He must be suffering with that poor dog. Imagine the pee and poo in a smaller house and his furniture being chewed up. He's living in fantasy if he feels he can live with a dog that he only wants to look at but not take care of. My feeling is that he would rehome it, and then ask for forgiveness.
I think he just needs time to swallow everything and to come to an agreement that you are right, that you can't take care of a big dog when you have your hands full already.
As a single mom for years I totally understand the feeling that in order to have love and to have a father to your child, you need to work even harder, so hard that you don't have a life anymore. You need someone who can share your load, if not lighten it, not someone who would add to it.
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (26 February 2016):
If he doesn't put in the effort to look after her, then that changes things. He needs to walk her, show her attention and train her. No you should not be expected to do it yourself, especially when you are looking after children and working. I would expect both of you to be a team and make a joint effort. From the sounds of things, the dog would be happier being in a home where she is looked after properly and as for you and your husband, maybe you need to sit down as two adults and talk about the future. Good luck I hope he comes to his senses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy cares, should I then overlook the fact that this dog bit my son and is quite capable of doing it again in order for my son to have a father? I don't like the idea of "well he's taking care of another man's kids so you should deal with it." So I guess if he was my kids biological father my protest would be ok? Me expressing that this man has been good to my kids was my way of showing that this man is not a monster and that I understand this is the only "fault" "flaw" whatever, he has had in the relationship. Do I want an immaculent home ( I mentioned I have kids) no.... But when the damage is stacking up and is going to cost us thousands of dollars to fix, well then there is a problem... And I know it is in part due to her not getting exercise she needs. Instead of waking up and taking her on a walk or playing with her my husband opens up the back door and just lets her loose and goes back to sleep... That's the attention he is giving her (and I'm sorry I don't have the time btw school, work and kids). I know my husband wants this dog purely bc of the way she looks and the compliments he gets about her but doesn't put in he actual work it takes to care for her... (And yes I have told him this).
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe house legally being "mine" has no significance other than I feel my husband would care more about the house had he contributed to financing it... Never do I throw it in his face that this is "MY" house and I welcomed him in and made it our home very early into our relationship... There is no piss fight or control issues going on in this situation... My husband and I make good money but still have some debts and bills like any other family and so I don't feel we have the luxury to keep dishing out hundreds and thousands of dollars on the dog (which is what he wants to do). I also do not feel we are equipped to give this dog the care she actually needs which is unfair to the dog.. This breed requires daily exercise and frequent walks which my husband does not do, and I honestly (btw school, work, and the kids) don't have the time and energy to do. The only resolution that has worked is when we dish out 2k to have her go live with a trainer for 2 weeks, and when she came back nothing had changed. This is not my first dog, but it is my first large breed dog. When we were on the search for a dog we knew we needed a dog that would do well with children and be ok to be alone 1-2 times a week over night (we work third shift). I had a boxer prior to this dog and he was a great family dog and did well over night when we had to leave him. I thought my husband understood we needed a dog of that same maintenance and trusted his judgement and was simply trying to make him happy...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me just say that me giving him the ultimatum was purely out of anger and felt as if it was my last resort after he went back on his word to rehome the dog...we had already rejoined the dog to a couple we felt would be suitable for her (kid free house) and it was not, so we took her back (bc I do not want her to go to a shelter). Apparently when she was at the new home the wife had issues (didn't really give us much details) with the dog as well. When my husband first got the dog at 6 weeks old she had been bitten by her mother and one of the trainers told us that was a sign that the mother sensed there was something wrong with her and was trying to eliminate her, and that the dog now probably suffers mentally and that we should medicate her with a drug such as Prozac... The biting incident happened a few weeks later...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): Oh my word....what a torrent of judgement that's come your way! Personally, I feel you have gotten a dog, both in agreement, that was never going to be suitable as a family pet...you live and learn. Its likely they way you two argue has altered over the past yr until you ate both so sensitive and unreasonable with the way you argue about it, its affect on your relationship is quite extreme out of proportion in relation to the other aspects of your relationship. Its just a dog. You are hurt that he appears to have chosen the dog over you, he is hurt that you would give such an ultimatum. This is my guess from what you e said. If I were you, and if you want a future with this man, I'd offer to meet and point out that you don't want him out your life, you love him and so do the kids, you want him home where he belongs. Ask him what his thoughts are, and try and resolve this through compromise. Having an autistic child in the mix here too- life isn't easy for either of you. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): hello op let me just tell you not to worry.The dog issue is at its end now and you have been correct to put yourself and the child ahead of the dog so you have no emotional worries there.You also have time to think over your partners behaviour.Possibly he is deeper involved than you think and he may reappear when the dog has been suitably rehomed.I know this is a difficult time.Rehoming an animal is fraught with good intentions and a sense of failure and guilt.A dog always moves on.By the next time he,s taken for walkies he's healedBut yourself and your son carry the emotional scars longer. So your healing takes longer.Be strong.This is just a readjustment blip.Things will change for the better in your dog free life.Dont worry about your partner.. he will heal in his own good time.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 February 2016):
OP, I do not intend to "unleash " ( very fitting word, in the situation :) upon you . Everybody can make a wrong judgement call , hindsight is 20/20. Moreover, I like dogs but I like humans more, so if I had a "difficult " dog and children at home, my priority too would be first the safety and COMFORT of the children, then the dog's.
Still, I have a couple of remarks that are just bursting to come out, one about canine culture in general , and the other about your personal situation and problem.
1 ) Sorry but I find unbelievable, in fact astonishimg, the way in which not just you , OP, but lots of people take in whatever dog comes their way or strikes their fancy without knowing zilch about dog care and the specific breed's temperament .
That's the same people who spend hours and hours researching on Internet before buying a new Smartphone ! If they hire someone to wash their windows or de-weed their backyard- they'll want 3 verifiable references and a background check But when they have to add to their family a new living being- and in your case a big, strong, bulky and potentially dangerous one- then it's all left to chance and luck. You knew you had no experience, .. you just assumed that your husband knew perfectly what he was doing . Why ? was he, that you knew of, particularly experienced with dogs , or knowledgeable about those breeds ? ....
That's why , UNLESS your husband has been intentionally sly and deceptive, and has assured " Oh she won't be any trouble... just a sweet mellow obedient little housepet..."
I find a bit unfair that you blame either the dog , or the husband, for you having given your uninformed and unqualified consent to this dog's adoption. It's always buyer beware... yes I know, your husband bought the dog, you did not. Well, then it's " accepter beware " . Before admitting anything moving ( a dog,... a foster child... a mother in law,..)into your family life,- know what you are getting into, pros and cons.
- " My husband got the dog, not I "... that brings me to the point about your marriage and your communication right now. From your update I could not help noticing something a little strange, an out of tune note.
So, the house is YOURS- you worked hard and paid for it. You own the house legally. Ok, but ... what about your husband ; what is he like, a houseguest , an aupair ? Who can stay in YOUR house out of the goodness of your heart ? And only if he does not give too much bother ? .. Does he know you feel this way, did you any chance tell him ? ... Because in this case, dog or no dog, I can see how he is not raving to stay.
Ok, you paid for the house - but marriage is precisely about the fact that now ,after you married, that's his house too, exactly as much as yours. In many countries that would be so also legally and financially, - but anywhere , at least if you want the marriage to work,that would be morally YOUR marital house for you to share and to live in as equals , according to COMMON rules. If you approach a spouse, i.e. supposedly your equal partner , 50/50 in all that you own , do, and decide - with a " MY house, my rules " attitude, the spouse will most likely feel painted in a corner and take a " Let me show you where you can put YOUR house... " attitude.
You may object that your husband too is stubborn and not a good negotiator, and wants things his way or the highway , but, well... tbh, you started first with your ultimatums.
Ditto for " his dog " . His dog,his idea, his problem to solve. Not really, though, if you are married. Taking in a dog is an important decision, on par, ... if not with adding a new child to the family... at least with buying a new family car, or moving to a new house . The time to put vetoes is before the dog arrives, when he does ( or at least, I am pretty sure that's what your husband thinks and is riled up about ) then it's YOUR dog, your shared responsibility, your shared problem, to which you have to find a solution that can be sort of acceptable, if not ideal, for both of you.
In short, ... that's an issue of whether is better to be right or to get along. Only you can choose.
It's not easy because apparently we have two Alpha dogs in the pack ( ... 3 with the Cane Corso... ) - and either one will have to make submissive, conciliatory gestures- or otherwise, dissolve the pack.
Maybe you should think long and hard what your priorities are, between a good husband and father for your children, and an immaculate house.
I do not criticize you or mock you - as a matter of fact, I am sort of houseproud and I'll confess candidly that the main reason why I stuck to cats for the last 20 years is that... 20 years ago I did not have many nice furniture pieces and oriental rugs, and now I do. I have been toying since quite a while with the idea of getting a puppy ( because dogs ARE great company ! ) but then I look at my new silky pale green curtains and... I am not brave enough :). I understand the satisfaction one gets from living in pleasant, tasteful, neat surroundings. Then again, if I had to choose between an excellent mate and father of my children, and my pale green curtains... I suppose I could consider making adjustments :)...
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reader, Ivyblue +, writes (26 February 2016):
Hope your little boy is ok, it may not have hurt him that much but Im sure it scared him well enough. Hope you are ok too because you posted on here for some advice and have been unleashed upon and Im not even sure why. You got the dog, he got the dog, your house, his house-who cares the issue is the dog. Im a huge animal lover-HUGE and I have had my home turned into one giant chew toy. My fault, being a puppy and to be expected if they are allowed in the home. Just like a child, turn your back for a minute and all hell can break loose. Big dog or small dog they can do serious damage so I totally understand your concerns. Your kids are the point of importance in this post ,not discounting your marriage of course, so I would like to touch base on your son, not as something you wouldn't already know but for the sake ,if not already, something to point out to your husband should he return. Animals are a fantastic companion for children with Autism. The social interaction and emotional bonding is something very special and important for the child with difficulties forming relationships with people. So it is not necessarily the having a dog- just this one. The breed, size and temperament is going to have a huge influence on how this young boy can cope. Not the dogs fault or the child. So IMHO, mum, you are correct in wanting the dog gone because the chances are the stage is set in your lads mind that the dog is not his friend, never will be again. Your husband accepted you and your kids as a package deal so I hope that you can find some common ground and understanding that the dog needs a new home and re negotiate the needs for all concerned and Fido's living arrangements- perhaps out side or one area of the house if you were again to get a puppy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): Also, following on from my previous comment getting a dog should be a joint decision! Not just your husbands and you go along with its both your decision what to do next! I wanted a dog but my partner was more hesitant but we chose the breed together, a frenchie and he has been so hard work! He chewed our walls pulled on the lead, broke my laptop jumped on me I used to have bruises all over my legs, we have worked so hard with him he is 2 now and he has calmed right down all he does is sleep all day now so we were lucky but if I had a child I don't think he would suit itIf you want to rehome the dog maybe find people without children because not all dogs are suited with them as children can be rough and they like to explore and some dogs don't like it, it sounds like you don't have the commitment to look after this dog and now you do t trust it
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): Before getting any dog especially if have children research their temperament! a dog will pee and poo in the house unless it's toilet trained it doesn't learn it on its own and yes I can see that you said you've paid for extensive training but anyone can bring a trainer in but you've got carry it through after the trainer leaves! You obviously haven't toilet trained the dog otherwise it would not poo in the house!It took my partner and I over a month to toilet train our puppy by buying puppy pads, taking him out after he's eaten, slept, after he's played we got to know his toilet habits and as soon as I saw him going I'd take him outside! It takes commitment and dedication which by your story it sounds like you don't have I know it can be very frustrating looking after a puppy, people don't realise how hard work it is, I did a lot of research on my dog breed and it didn't prepare me for the work it takes and I've got a small dog so I can't imagine what a large dog is like, However, you and your husband made a commitment by getting a dog and you should be working as a team not making threats that if he doesn't get rid of the dog he should leave! No dog is worth a marriage breakup, I can see why you'd be nervous of the dog around your child. my brother is autistic and autistic people bond more with animals than humans, and the other agony aunt is right labs are amazing around children it's your own fault by getting a bull mastiff when u know you've got a child as u didn't research it! Sometimes a dog being playful can be perceived as aggression because my dog bites when he's playing and growls, but I know with a big dog it's scaryYou and your husband should sit down talk calmly about this dog without making threats, if your not 100% committed to looking after this dog you need to tell your husband and don't blame the dog for you not carrying out the appropriate training after the professionals have left
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 February 2016):
OP,
I don't want to get your righteous anger up any more. I do respect you and agree that you had the right to do what you did. You have proved to yourself and the world that you are independent, Strong and self reliant. You have reasonable priorities.
In fact you only have one unreasonable expectation. You expect this man to stay when you send him away. Marriage to you was not an easy choice for him. This crisis has pushed him over the edge. at this point he has three options that I can see. Live alone. Destroy the dog. or, put the dog in a shelter. You have declared that all three options are unacceptable to you. In fact you have commanded your preferred course of action, find an adoptive family for the dog. He might come home after he achieves that. You have left him no other choice. He may also chose option 1. Sad for you, but not a priority to you over children and house / possessions.
You have the freedom to make choices for your self and your children. You do not have freedom to make choices for other adults. You do not have freedom from the natural consequences of your decisions.
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reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (25 February 2016):
Well, that escalated quickly.
Look. What do you really know about the bite situation? I'll say that I have had dogs that nipped at children, and in almost every case it was because the child was treating the dog poorly - pulling ears or tails, in one case the child even bit the dog first. This was used as a teaching experience for the child. You can't treat it like a stuffed animal. My point is that the dog is not the only one that needs trained. Kids need it too. You can't fault the dog if the child was mistreating it. I'd have an entirely different perspective if it attacked your child, it clearly did not.
Anyway, it is your decision. You can either try to compromise with your husband or you can let the chips fall where they may.
I'll also say that it isn't necessary to continue to pour money into training in general. Once you have the basics down all that should be required is time. That means everyone continuing to work with the dog on a daily basis.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): Anyway your husband never took your ultimatum seriously it seems, if he did, he would not have left, as some other poster has said it shows that he didn't take itbseriously enough- if you are thinkingnof giving an ultimatum you must lay down the law properly beforehand. I personally find his reluctance to give the dog away disturbing seeing as although some of the posters say he did not bite your son's face properly he did grasp it lightly which is a warnig sign. If your husband cared so much for the dog he would paybfor a professionak trainer.
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (25 February 2016):
Obviously no parent wants there child hurt, I can totally understand that, and it is great that you put your children first, I totally agree, however I think maybe you both should have discussed this more before getting a dog. Maybe a Labrador would have suited your family much better, as they are great with autistic children, so loyal and caring. I am sure your husband will calm down and see that you are scared for your children's safety, as off course that comes first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): From a bigbull mastiff supporter here!Your husband never took your ultimatum seriously it seems, if he did, he would not have left, as some other poster has said it shows that he didn't take it seriously enough- if you are thinking of giving an ultimatum you must lay down the law properly beforehand. I personally find his reluctance to give the dog away disturbing seeing as although some of the posters say he did not bite your son's face properly he did grasp it lightly, which is a warning sign. If your husband cared so much for the dog he would pay for a professional trainer.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (25 February 2016):
I dont usually reply to anonymous posters, but just want to clarify that my post is not about me being a dog person, or having anything against children. I do, however, have plenty experience with manipulative people and call out BS when I see it. The poster is only concerned about her house, the safety of her children is barely mentioned, and in her follow up she states that the husband was watching the children, and the husband claims the dog did not, in fact, bite the child. The fact that the child had no marks seems to support the husband in this matter. So what we have left is the woman fuzzing over the pee on her floors, maybe she's the one left to clean up, who knows. But never the less, supposedly the husband is a perfect man, except he wanted a dog. And the poster portrays it as a personal sacrifice she made to allow him to get a dog. Now she doesn't like the dog, and so the dog belongs not to her all of a sudden, is not her responsibility, and it's her husbands job to "get rid of the problem". Without her being responsible for it at all or doing anything about it. Why isn't she looking for a new home for th dog, for example, why is it left up to the husband?
Then there's the claim of depression, the dog is making her depressed. This is also standard manipulation. Then the whole drama of the ultimatum. Again, manipulation.
And as for the children, they are the ones who lose in this fight over the dog. They lose their step-father. I don't see any concern about this at all. I don't see anything in the OP's post about a real concern other than for her beloved house, which clearly is not her husband, and I don't know if he was ever allowed to treat it like his home, reading from how the OP write.
Ive been around manipulative and controlling people long enough to recognize it when I see it. She's pushing the children in front of her claiming she's worried about them? There's nothing in this story that supports the claim of the dog being a threat to the children, and the complains she brings up over and over is the dog making a mess of her house and peeing indoors. The accusing me of "daring" to compare her kids to the dog. As if what I wrote somehow says I think of her kids as below the dog. Again, just pushing them in front of her to win the fight, although no one has ever claimed, or even tried to claim, that the dog comes before the children. What was said was that a dog is like a child, and children aren't clean either, they also make a mess. Problem is, she doesn't see the dog as hers, but his. And the house isn't his also, it's only hers. This separation of "mine and theirs" is also just a detour. They are married. There is no "mine and yours". The entire point of marriage is that you share.
So, the perfect man gets kicked out and they get a divorce over the dog? Really? Is anyone really buying into this? The man left because if he ever speaks up to this woman he gets ultimatums thrown in his face, and he finally had enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): I think money spent to train and keep a darn dog will be much better spent if it is spent on a starving child in Africa or India.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): I think chigirl's comments are very poor and that is how I rated them.Obviously she is a dog woman but that does not permit her to be nasty to the poster.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me add to the details... I did not get the dog... My husband did. Was it my fault for not looking into the breed more and just simply telling him "no" sure I'll take that blame but only bc I assumed he knew the energy and time this breed of dog need, being that it was his choice...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEven before we were married I was the one who completed submitted and made my world revolve around his (so let's get rid of this "I think I am I charge" stance bc that in no way is the case) my son did not have bite marks on him but his cheeked was swollen and red and his lip was bleeding (any mother's worst nightmare) and my son (who is autistic) has an extremely high tolerance for pain and knows no fear, so when he says he's hurt and scared we can take that statement to the bank... As I also stated, we did extensive training with the dog to the point that we started going into our savings (you know money we should be saving for emergencies?) so I did try for over a year, and as stated before I did not get the dog my husband did.
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (25 February 2016):
A dog is a big commitment, and also people get attached to dogs just like they do to other people. You telling your husband the dog has to go is showing that you are boss. It shouldn't be like that in a marriage. It should be discussed. I don't blame your husband for leaving. As he probably felt he had no choice.
I agree that your children should come first, you can never trust a dog not to bite. However if your child was left unmarked then it is clear the dog did not bite him viciously, he was more than likely being playful and it probably scared your little boy. You agreed to take on this dog, and you shouldn't give up so easily. Dogs are hard work, but with time they make a great companionship. Maybe talk to your husband, apologize to him first off for telling him what to do, as this to me sounds like you feel you are in charge. Just talk to him. See if you can compromise. Maybe he can build a pen outside for the dog so that he is out from under your hair for some of the day. Also if the dog is a pup it needs to be taking for long walks so that it uses its energy, and he needs to be a master to the dog, you all do. You are the boss not the dog. I think you both just need to talk this over. If you both cannot cope with this dog, as you don't want it and maybe he is not training it well then I say let him do what he wants. But if he is working hard with this dog then I wouldn't be able to stand in the way.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (25 February 2016):
Who are you to compare a living being to some piece of furniture. If I wrote to you the same way you wrote to me I could say a heck of a lot more, but Im going to be a better person and just leave you to be with your divorce, and imagine that it's your disappointment of the failing marriage that leaves you telling people to go to hell. If you want to save your marriage, my two scents are the harsh medicine you have to swallow, but if a divorce suits you better then that's your choice. Im just telling you, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Marriage is compromise, and so far all I can see is "my way or the highway". Btw I hope you wrote a prenup, or he gets half of "your" house in the divorce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk lady I have been open to everyone's comments good and bad until I got to yours. First of all yes it is my house that i bought as a struggling single mother of two work 60hr weeks for a year to save up and buy the home after my first thank you. Second, you can go straight to hell for comparing my children to a dog, which shows you obviously don't have children whom you value that much. Third, I did not get the dog, my husband did. Fourth, we did training classes until it got to the point that we were going into the savings to pay for them. Fifth, I did not leave my kids alone with the dog, my husband was downstairs with all of them while I was upstairs folding laundry when it happened, and he was standing in the hallway. Sixth, we gave this dog more attention than my kids! Which was as well becoming an issue, she was never in her kennel for more than an hour at a time (he slept on the couch with her) and we would take her out before putting her I it. But thanks for your two cents which will be disregarded ;) and my husband being a man and taking care of my kids shouldn't mean he gets a free for all for the rest of our marriage. He stepped up purely bc he wanted to, not bc I have ever forced him!
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reader, chigirl +, writes (25 February 2016):
What Im left wondering is.... if you and him don't live together, how can he "pack up and leave" and howcome the dog is at your house and not his?
Or, is the matter more that the house is not YOURS, it is also your husbands? So the dog did NOT in fact tear up "MY HOUSE" but "OUR house"?
Your thoughts shine bright and clear through your text. You do not consider your husband as your husband, but a boyfriend who has no right to stay at "your" house, bringing "his" dog to mess up "your" living situation.
News flash for you: the dog is also YOURS, and the house is also HIS. Time to suck it up. YOU got a dog, not your husband, so you are also responsible for it. Don't push all that on your husband. He took on your children, who no doubt also piss in their beds and make a mess, and the kids are much less his than the dog is yours.
If you don't want the dog to make a mess, train it. Don't just assume it's your husbands problem and not yours, you are equally responsible for it. Why did you leave your kids alone with the dog anyway, you should never do that. Kids poke and pull at dogs and they defend themselves. Also, dogs are animals, not stuffed toys. You can not be 100% safe they will not ever bite, so why you left children alone with a dog is beyond me.
Now here's the thing, if this dog is still a puppy, then no wonder it still makes a mess and takes a shit in it's kennel. Puppies are like human babies, they don't know right from wrong and don't speak English and you need to train them and put in a ton of effort to see results. Puppyhood lasts a year. Up until then, you can not reasonably expect the "perfect" dog, because it's still a puppy. Up until a year they are the worst and are often put in shelters or tried rehomes because people (like you and your husband I guess) don't know enough about dogs and haven't read up about how to train a dog and how long puppyhood lasts and what phases a dog goes through.
Even if the dog isn't a puppy, if you haven't had him for long and he's from a different home, it takes TIME to adjust. A replaced dog needs to be treated like a puppy in many ways, and in all ways if it hasn't been trained at the last home. So, think of this dog as your third child and give it the same attention and training as your gave your own children when they were babies, and the dog will turn out to be a perfect family dog in about 6 months time.
And yes, you need to take the puppy out at night and once every hour and every time after it eats and every time after it sleeps and drinks and plays, and then you will have a house clean puppy as soon as it's old enough to hold it in. Like babies, puppies just go when they need to, no point scolding them or getting upset. Just limit the access the puppy has to your house, and dont leave it unattended, same way you would treat a toddler.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 February 2016):
That's the problem with giving ultimatums. That you have to be totally convinced about their absolute necessity, totally aware of the consequences if the ultimamum is not accepted, and totally prepared to enforce it if needs be.
You said " either you rehome the dog, or you leave with it "- and he left . Now you feel that you have been left over a dog, but he must feel, as Fatherly Advice already remarked, that he has been kicked out of his home and hearth over a dog. Stalemate.
You ask : if your wife tells you she is depressed etc...... would not that be enough to make you see it's better to rehome the dog ?
In theory. In practice, this has become not about the dog anymore, but a sort of pissing contest... or actually, a " who wear the pants in this marriage ". A dominance issue , to stay in the canine field : ). Maybe not so surprising , if your husband 's " dream dog " is a Cane Corso - Bulmastiff mix. A BANDOG, let's face it.( Those who do not speak "dog speak " can Google this word ). Interesting choice for a first time dog owner....
I also think that maybe deep down your husband knows , or guesses, that the dog cannot be rehomed as she is now. Anybody would do like the first couple- they would give her back in two days. She would need to be re-trained , or rehabilitated , or reconditioned or how-do you-call it, by a canine behavioralist educator, not just any pet trainer . It would take time, patience and money, but probably it's still possible, if she was a puppy when you took her in,- because she is still a big puppy, just over a year old- molossoids mature late.
But in the meantime, you two , all the family in fact, should " do your homework ", learn how to deal with this kind of dog. I've got the feeling that you both ... bit much more dog that you can chew :).
Being just a moderate dog lover ( I had dogs but all in all I prefer cats ) generally I don't agree with the saying
" there are no bad dogs, there are only bad owners ". But I wonder that this might be somewhat true in your case ?...
For instance : this is a mix of two breeds which are both from dominant to highly dominant , including over family members. Dominant does not mean " vicious " or "mean ", but it means that she will react badly to members of the family ,which she does not recognize as superior to her in the hyerarchy of the pack, -like your kids - if they use gestures, postures and vocal signals that she perceives as an attempt to be dominant over her. I.e : Cane Corso are actually GOOD with children, still you have to know how to play with them. You can't hug them around their neck , for instance; that's a dominant gesture in dog-speak. You can't rub their head or even caress it- another no- no gesture, from a " peer " of the dog. You'd better approach her laterally and then they'll even let you wrestle them to the ground, or push them , because that would signal " hey we are just having a bit of fun "- but if you push her back, or even wave her back frontally, standing over her - that in molossoid speak is a dominant gesture which will elicit her pissed off reaction. If she recognize the Alpha of the pack in your husband, then he has more leeway, but all the others, they'd better mind their manners.
Complicated ? A bit. Those does not want to bother with all this, can always get themselves a nice Basset Hound,though.
I think this is probably what the " bite " to your child came from. Not to minimize your worry, your anxiety and the child's scare -( I am a mother too, and , tbh, ... I would have reacted knee jerk same as you : Dog bites child ? Dog must go ).
Oth, you can be sure that if this type of dog really had meant to bite your child- she would have done just that, and you would have noticed the bite marks allright !, and maybe forever, no doubt about it. She gave just a warning "graze " - she is probably freaked out by the way she is handled, talked to, dealt with in general- and she made it known . Probably she is not a "bad " dog- just the wrong dog for a family that did not have enough experience of her breed(s) and made an impulse adoption / purchase - Always such a bad idea.
Another thing- your dog- or ex dog- clearly shows sign of distress , you are suffering because she is a troublemaker, but she is a troublemaker because she suffers. She is soiling where she sleeps and eats ? No dog does that !, they HATE that !- Lots of shelter dogs refuse their food and let themselves die ...because they can't stand living in an unclean box among their foeces ( not all shelters can guarantee regular cleaning ). For a dog to resort to that it means it's totally desperate and freaked out.
Who knows why, who knows what she needs from you that she can't get ? Exercise maybe ? She was not burning enough steam off ? Was she bored ? ( it's a mix of work breeds, they need something to keep them occupied a few hours a day ).Too many hours alone ?...
I have no idea, but maybe if you talk to a good ,, expert veterinarian, and / or a good canine psychologist ( ... Not Cesar Millan , though, please :)! ) they will know why and know what to do about it, - and you might agree with your husband to save the dog AND save your marriage.
Again, these are things that take lots of effort and lots of money , only you can decide if you have it in yourself to make this try .
One last thing that I forgot to say before: personally I see it like you- I like dogs but I think that humans, any human, come first.
But for other dog lovers , and maybe your husband is among them, once you take home a dog,it is just like having a new member in the family, another child. If you had a difficult child that gives you a hard time.... you would not kick him out because he bothers you, right ? You would not ship him off to another family unless as last, last, very last resort. First you'd try to "work " with the kid, to be patient, to consult experts, etc.etc. Maybe that's what it was like for your husband, he had to choosee not exactly between a wife and a dog, but between a wife and a favourite , albeit naughty, child...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): I am not a dog expert but I think dogs are divided into two categories: pet dogs, and work dogs. Pet dogs are the small ones like poodles and chiwawas and other similarly small dogs which can be kept inside the house, and work dogs which are generally big and powerful. No doubt work dogs do a fine job as guard dogs, guide dogs for the blind, police dogs, sheep dog, and etc, and as such they should have their own quarters to live and not be allowed inside the house as pets, because they can be destructive and dangerous to children, especially to new born babies because dogs consider themselves as the baby of the family , hence are jealous of new additions to the family and could kill them if given the chance. It really annoys and angers me when I see some dog owners let their dog share the cot with a new born baby and proudly share their pictures in the media . I agree with you that dogs can do a lot of damage if they are bored and kept for long periods inside a house. I agree with the other comments that your husband has made his choice and there is nothing more to say other than let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): Honestly, it sounds like you're the kind of person who shouldn't have a dog as you don't seem to have much love in your heart for it. Tore up your home? Of course it will. At one-year-old, it's just a puppy and will be until it's three-years-old. The giant breeds mature slowly.Poops and pees in its kennel? How long is it being left in there. I put my dogs out every four hours.Also, if your son didn't have injuries to his face, then I doubt the dog bit him. I'm an experienced mastiff and Saint Bernard owner. If a dog that big bites, you'd certainly know it.The situation is sad for all involved, especially the dog. When you two got the dog, you took on the lifetime responsibility for it--for better or worse. Dogs aren't disposable. And a giant breed must be properly trained.Now it's only right that you find a suitable home for the dog, someone who will love and care for it properly. I agree with those who suggested that you seek a breed rescue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere are literally no other marital issues... Thank you for all the responses
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reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (25 February 2016):
This was a major fail on everyone's part. I have been breeding Saint Bernards for many years. I won't sell a puppy to someone with no giant breed experience. Their needs and behaviors are wholly different. They must be trained very carefully from a very young age, or you wind up with 150 lb terror.
That aside, you need to reach out to your husband and try to come to an understanding without arguing and yelling. If he wants a divorce though there isn't much you can do to stop him if he wants a divorce. My opinion is that the marital issues are bigger than just the dog.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2016):
I have wanted a dog for over 20 years. Hubby is not a "dog-person". WE have cats instead - all rescues. But no dogs.
And in some respects it's nice to NOT have a dog as it takes WAY more training and effort to have a dog over a cat.
I think you actually did the right thing in asking him to move out with the dog. It shows HIS priorities and yours. His is to "get" his way and have the dog, your are to keep your kids safe and your home in decent shape.
A cane corso mastiff is NOT a starter dog, I have to agree with that. They are not only HUGE, they drool a lot, the fart a lot, they are KNOWN for being destructive when they don't get enough attention and stimulation, they are also know to be VERY strong willed and in need of a VERY VERY alpha owners. And lastly, they need extensive socializing with other dogs and... people.
So while your husband might LOVE how powerful the dog looks he may not REALLY understand what the breed is all about. And you JUST can't get a dog on looks alone, you need to make sure they will FIT IN with a family. He didn't even consider that AT ALL.
There are Cane Corso Rescues out there who would be willing to take a young animal and find it a forever home.
Sorry, never get a dog if you don't want to. A dog is not ONE family members responsibility and job, it's the WHOLE family's job to train, excessive and raise the dog. Even the kids.
I'd say good luck to him and his dog, get a divorce and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comment... But if your wife is telling you the dog is the cause for her depression, the dog is not fit to be around your children...and we had already came to the agreement to rehome her and then he went back on his word... Don't you think that's enough to think it would be better to rehome the dog?
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 February 2016):
When you issue an ultimatum to a good man who agreed to be father to another man's children, you had better be ready to enforce it. Some where he is saying "she kicked me out over the dog". You can't say you gave him his dream when you took it away after "constantly" arguing over it. Looks like you weren't as committed to him as you thought. You need to own that you made the decision before he left, and he was only "perfect" until he wanted something you didn't.
As a side note, I'll never have another dog in my home. And the Cats are the last of their type to live here as well. I understand why you made the decision you did, but it was your decision, he just agreed.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2016):
I love big dogs. Big dogs need well trained owners to train them well and they are NOT the first dog for people to try.
I had a dog that bit my son. I had the dog destroyed the next day. YOU don't bite my child and live.
IF he did not get professional training with this dog then it's on him to properly train this dog.
A cane corso is a very difficult dog to own for a first time dog owner.
Dogs are wonderful but only if they have responsible owners. He does not sound like a responsible owner.
I'd be glad you got out early.
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reader, Denizen +, writes (25 February 2016):
Well now you know where you stand. Say goodbye and good riddance. I hope they will be happy together. Meanwhile you thank your lucky stars you found out sooner rather than later what a numbskull you picked.
Good luck for the future and a dog free home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): I think one of your mistakes was agreeing to get a dog that is notoriously not good with young children that it hasn't grown up with frim scratch. You should have compromised with a labrador or golden retriever which get along with children even if they are notbpuppies and babies at the same time. The second is that you allowed the dog back in your home with the children after an adult couple didn't want your dog- it is a danger to your children! Be happy he is gone it may be horrible but so is he.
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