A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:This will be a long post and I would like honest comments to each point. I am on my way out the door and about to separate. I want to break down the problems so I can improve myself.I'll start with some things that have bothered my wife:- coming back to Australia has been hard and work is difficult to find. Subsequently, we are renting a room in a share house. It's far from what I want which is, of course, to have a nice full time job.She says the full time work will fix everything.- I have been a bit selfish in that if we buy drinks, I end up drinking most of them.- I am too slow for her liking. Eg. I don't cook fast enough or clean up fast enough for her liking.She says that I am dragging her down with.the unemployment and interfering with her own quality time. The big theme is that I drag her down and hold her back. It is true in the sense that we have no money due to my lack of decent employment at the moment.How I see her:- refusal to kiss properly. No surprise given how she talks to me.- constantly calls me idiot and stupid -- I will explain underneath.- impatient to the extremeAbout the name calling, last night she conceded and asked me if I thought her personality is too strong and is putting me down too much and that's why I am behaving withdrawn. Well of course what could I say but to tell her the truth that I feel like I am less than others and just not good enough. She replied that she has never met someone so smart with computers and electronics. I think that I am fairly intelligent given that I am wide-read, love to learn new things all the time, I have a biotech degree, I can communicate in typed Mandarin with my Chinese friends and I tried my best to make the most of my experiences.I know neither of us are perfect! It is just really upsetting to be told that I am not smart, an idiot and that I am dragging her down So guys, can I please get your honest opinions on how I can address the issues. Her explosive anger is so bad that at times she shuts me out. She'll tell me I'm a good man in one breath, then remind me I can never do anything right for her in another. When I see her happy with others laughing and joking etc it reminds me of how I must have the problem as I am very quiet and reserved. I used to be outgoing but that confidence has been temporarily smashed.We get along in some ways but there isn't much laughter, I don't joke so much and I just keep quiet because sooner or later I will act in a way that she percieves as stupid. I hate that feeling of being taken for granted!I am confident I can find good work soon. But I don't want to be brow-beaten out of existence to the point where I lack confidence to get past the interviews! I am sure that the sadness or exhaustion from her anger shows on my face.:-(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): So you basically dislike her personality, and she dislikes and even is contemptuous your personality. I'm sorry but I don't see a future for your marriage except more of the same.
Personality problems don't just go away by themselves, they only lie dormant in between triggers. Even if your financial woes went away, she'll just pick another crisis to become overbearing and controlling and look down at you for. or she'll set her sights higher - she still won't respect you despite you being employed, if you're not earning enough or if you're not in a high enough status kind of job. I think the best you can hope for is a kind of tense peace where she's leaving you alone for stretches of time. What's the point of such a marriage? I wish you the best of luck.
A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (25 January 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionForgive me for sounding like I was referring to leaving the marriage when I said I was changing focus to entirely job searching... I think it is better to ignore the pushing and anger from my spouse as the events that are precipitating the strain on my marriage are coming from:
- Me promising the give her a better life and not delivering on that promise.
- I'm not employed despite the many others out there who manage to get work in a short period of time.
- I'm disrupting my wife's concentration on her job and discussing the marital problems with family which is incredibly childish.
I spoke a bit to mum today who pretty much told me the above point blank and said to stop trying to get people to side with me. That wasn't my direct aim - I was indrectly getting people's sympathy by playing the victim.
Having made the decision to change focus, I am sure I cvan redirect my energies to good causes like volunteering like I used to do before going to China. If anything, it will improve my state of mind (I'm just sitting in a crappy apartment everyday in front of a computer) and look good on my resume!
I have just received news of an interview for full time work in the retail chain I used to work for. This is great news! I really hope that I can make a good impression and get the job. The money will allow for us to move out of here and upgrade our lifestyle substantially.
Then we will see if the change in lifestyle, environment and saving for a house will make a difference to the patterns we have been encountering. After all, our relationship has been littered with strained finances since day one (China wasn't exactly a gold mine of salaries even as a foreigner!).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): to the commenter who wrote: "it sounds to me that you want people to agree with what your saying so you feel better about moving on and not giving this marriage a chance."
And why shouldn't the OP feel better about moving on and not giving this marriage another chance? it looks like the OP has already given this a million chances and she still continues to treat him like crap. Why would anyone want him to continue to live this and spend the rest of his life trying to not be subject to daily humiliation and degradation? that's no way to live, and that's not what a marriage is supposed to do to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): lots of people make references to "breaking the marriage vow" if you leave a marriage or if you cheat on your spouse.
But isn't treating your spouse like crap, chronically, also "breaking the marriage vow"?? What happened to the part about "to love and honor and cherish?"
Emotional abuse - which is what your wife does - is opposite of the principles and ideology of marriage. It is the opposite of loving and honoring and cherishing one's spouse. To me, that is certainly breaking her vows and voiding the marriage contract.
I'm saddened when people see marriage in simplistic terms as in "you don't get to leave, you have to stay and work through problems no matter what otherwise you're breaking your vows"...well you can invite such people to get married to your wife and see how long they last!
Get out, and don't look back. Uphold the sanctity of marriage by not allowing a dysfunctional out of control woman to abuse you and tarnish the idealism of marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): from reading all your posts i see a different light.....
it sounds to me that you want people to agree with what your saying so you feel better about moving on and not giving this marriage a chance.you have obviously made your mind up already, and so the going gets tough you get going........maybe she deserves better than you, because you want to have your cake and eat it!!!! one day you will look back and realise the grass is not always greener on the other side. truth sometimes hurts, please or offend i say what i see!
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (24 January 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI checked up on facebook and seen a happily married couple a few years younger than me that seem to be making a real go of it. They didn't have much money to begin with - both were art students. But now they have a young son and they are really getting ahead. The husband has a good job and the wife stays home to look after their baby.I am 29 years old in a few months time and I have nothing. This is not where I envisaged I would be at at this age of my life. What I have seen today has injected new life into me and given me a greater sense of purpose. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I can rise above this mess.Find a decent paying job, move out (with or without my partner). Once I have a decent income and steady job, I'll have my feet firmly planted on the ground and be able to maturely let opportunities to get ahead come to me. By then, I will be in a very good position to upgrade my lifestyle and decide if my partner is too overbearing to handle. With the stable income, I could certainly live a very good single life. Because right now I feel too much pressure bearing down on my shoulders from an unappreciative spouse who makes demands, throws things at me and behaves in ways that aren't normal. That makes me weird for putting up with that.I will keep my confidence and walk tall and move ahead with purpose. This is something I will keep defending from now on and not let anyone define me - exactly as 'anonymous' posted!I must get ahead. I can't sit around in a dump. I want to move on up and find a nice apartment to live in and begin the slow road out of debt. Enough is enough!
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (24 January 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFurther, the counselor spoke strongly about these women as he deals with intercultural relations. They lose respect of the husband if he is not working. That is difficult for me to swallow because I am used to receiving respect and love from family and friends. So, I wonder if she will see in time?I was directly told that the first thing is find a job and complete a one month test. Allow one month to test and if it isn't looking good, make a firm decision to leave. There are a lot of events muddying the waters. I will try to focus on the job searching as it is the number one thing that determines my future with or without my wife. And yes I know it is possible for couples to share the same bed and not even converse properly to each other for extended periods of time. A kind of separation. Best to leave her to cool off and hopefully see clearly.Don't question why I am staying. Just trust that right now I have little money to make a move and I need to stay close to the city where all the potential jobs are. Moving to my folks home temporarily is not an option.I must now concentrate all my energy on my job search. I am going to tell her to stop talking to me if there is nothing constructive to say. We can't fight like teenagers all the time.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (24 January 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes she is hurting from last night. I made breakfast for her and upon her request, went ahead of time to the train station to buy the ticket. Called her to hurry along. She took the ticket and just walked off...she is always like that when she is working.I understand she is working hard for 'our' future. I know I rom.ised her the world and it hasn't happened yet. She made a huge sacrifice to leave her home country and a good job. The same thing as I did. So I can understand the anger over me not working and not delivering the lifestyle she wants. She feels enormous pressure. The financial state of affairs is bringing our marriage to it's knees.You see, I naively thought I would find work quickly. When that didn't happen, I also naively thought she would stick by me like she did in China. Instead it became a free for all, reminding me that I am not a responsible and mature man. Actually I have to agree that I am not much of a man if I have the a** out of my pants. That makes me look like an unemployed loser.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 End it now. Why keep putting yourselves thru this? I highly doubt it can be fixed as you are both so sure you are 100% in the right.
Get out, move on, live life.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (24 January 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe two problems between us:
1. Me: I dislike her overbearing, controlling personality which is taking a long time for her to change. It is slowly softening.
2. Her: she dislikes my unhappy, sensitive and complaining nature.
That's what it boils down to.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 It sounds like this is the Chinese tour guide you have been posting about for the last 2 years...
Sory, but in a way yes, you are the problem.
I mean, this is nothing new. It's not like she recently made an impredictable , amazing 180 degrees aboutface.
From what we were told, this has been going on since day one. She has always being domineering, aggressive, argumentative and moody. She has always criticized you and put you down. That's always been her M.O. You complained about it no end..., and you married her anyway . You sound like an educated, intelligent man, so you must have gotten something out of this, to let it go on. Maybe deep down you like that she's got the ambition and assertiveness you are lacking- maybe you are only attracted to demanding, critical lover/parental figure and could not fall in love with someone more accomodating and easygoing.
Dating and cohabitation are supposed to be exactly to figure out what kind of person you are dealing with and see if your personalities would match in the long run. It's a bit reckless and overoptimistic having constant demostrations that no, you aren't compatible and yet getting married anyway. It's not having a ring on your finger that will magically change somebody's personality and turn them into the loving caring people they never were to begin with.
This is very sad and I do not discount your sadness and heartbreak, because you must be much in love with her. But, as you can see, being in love is not equivalent to getting along and making each other happy, it sounds you are finally realizing it and I hope this will assist you in making the right decisions and giving up unrealistic expectations.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (24 January 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFinally, I am going post her letter to my mother... In fact both my parents and her think there is a problem with me lying...why? Well I told my parents I would have enough money for our wedding and then work circumstances changed over in China and I came back with less. They all feel that I like to make a mess of everything. Anyway, here is the long email: hi, mum, i write this letter to u not means bad , i trying to tell u what i feel! this time i should to receit my introduction for tomorrow. and i do not know why m*** always say bad things about u. he told me u do not like me ,he told me u do not want me to go back your home anymore (she saw the message that if I leave her, I come back alone),he told me u have problem .i am confused because i am here only focues on my job and study hard ,work hard.WHY he is always worry i am going to leaving him,i am not and i did not think so far jet.why between m**** and u topic is about our relation .i think u are tired about this .i am tired too.why we can not talk bad things to each other.and i always asked m*** how your going ?becasue i care, i know we are all good people,we are all normal! when m*** told me u do not like me ,i do not trust him beacuse i feel like he is the trouble person. i feel sorry for u becasue u are keeping bothered by him for nothing ,only for his worry. i am upset about him for thousands times becasus he always say bad things about u and make our relation bad, he is worry everyday ? i trust u for my feeling i know who is normal who is not ,but m*** is my husband he keep telling me u do not like me .i hate this when he say that ,he like to defended himself to make others bad. there is one things i wish and beg u to help me , help him do not say bad things about her mother to his wife anymore,please, please ,please ,please. he always told me u have problem ,so i can think he also told u i have problem?he is your son and my husband ,we all turst him,but he is a lier, he make the life mess. my life is working ,i am focues on our future,i really have no time to be unhappy ,i think u tired of this either,THE PROBLEM IS NOT ME ,IT IS M***, even it is other woman will has the same problen with him,and i am tired of him worry i am going to leave him because i am worry about him to find a job,very simple. and he is your son, i undersant that u want to protected him but i am not crazy like m*** think. and everday i am pressure about my job here and for thinking about our future . i have to keep study now until midnight. tks for reading, if i have chance i will talkto u someday on line .some day i will record what m*** said ,then u will undersand why i am upset.Ok so I guess I have to ask what can I do? Sure, just refrain from complaining to others when we fight. Now you guys can see where the problem is. Can it be fixed? Think the feelings will change for my wife?It really summarises how she feels and it saddened me of course. Because the message communicated to me is not about me complaining. Instead I have been told idiot everyday and harassed into believing nothing I can do is right.I feel like permanent damage has been done and that it would be better to end it all now. But others say that I am crazy to think that way and just learn to control my thoughts more. I am tired. So very tired :-(
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 January 2012):
 If her residency depends on your marriage walk out now, and then let her call you stupid!
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (24 January 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much for kind words. She still thinks there is something wrong with me which is hurting. She found some bad messages left by mother and assumed that I had been venting again.
I made a mistake with the maps today and she walked in the wrong direction on her way back from work. When she got home she repeated the same sentiment I've heard before. That I can never do anything right. She can't see that I am hurting from that. To hear the one you love tell you they think you have a major problem and that you are abnormal is heart breaking. I am only human and can't seem to match her expectations. That gives me a terrible feeling that it is only a matter of time before I am replaced. I am so saddened to see the woman I stuck by for 2 years turn around and make out I am the problem.
I don't have anything wrong with me and it is now humiliating to have her say that. She won't recognise the problems and come to counselling at least for my sake. She also berates me for not having work and forgive me for sounding so bad, but I am quite sure that her ill feelings for me will result in walking out the door once residency is granted.
Also, she is convinced it is always me talking bad things to my mother. Actually, they seen her behaviour when we lived in their hime. During a heated argument after we moved away, I called up the parents to ask then seeing as the argument involved them. The result was her screaming at me, grabbing the phone and switching it off. My father called the police as a concern for welfare. No charges laid.
So, they have been trying to convince me to leave. I am at wits end. I am so deeply saddened to hear my wife telling me she doesn't believe in me.
I have to ask why is she doing this? What is her purpose to push me away? I questioned this continually in China...bad arguments and always being told I can't satisfy her. Then turning around later to say I am a good.man.
I'll step back and say that it looks like she still cares about me as we have tried to build a life together. But actually we are just too fundamentally different people that have more than just culture getting in the way. I want to just get a job and get on with life. That might fix many issues but if she cannot love me properly because of all our arguments, then I really am prepared to go. I don't think of the marriage as a joke either. I am mature enough to recognise the problem lies within our fundamental differences: my sensitivity to criticism and her very very strong personality.
Just how can I embarrass and humiliate myself by staying with her if she thinks there is something wrong with me? Well I have learnt not to take everything so seriously and put her words down to normal anger and frustration...
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 Hi
Firstly many people air their stresses in different ways, the times your wife is nice to you is when she is having a good day, and on them days realises how much she loves you,and regrets the way she puts you down, then you flip that coin and she takes her depression and frustrations out on the one she loves.....you!
However that is not an excuse to behave in this way.
You have both moved,having to share accomodation,no job, thats enough to drive anyone to breaking point.
Secondly why do you spend more money on drinks for yourself? this is probably making her feel that you see youself as more deserving than she is and that you dont care enough?
I agree with aunt BimBim I would urge you both to seek marriage counciling before it's too late and you both end up living with regrets.
Her calling you names like stupid is her own insecurites, which she will also need to address to move forward. I know money is tight for you both right now, but why dont you grab a bag of chips, and take an eveing stroll down the beach with your wife and explain how your feeling, and ask her where she wants the next step to lead. would she except seeking counciling with you to make this work.
I truely hope you can sort this out between you, as far too many people give up when the going gets tough, if you can both get through this together, you can get through anything.
hope this helps
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): Leave! What a horrible way to be towards your husband!! The man you love and have married!! I would be walking right out that door.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): why do you let this one person define your reality and your identity for you? She says you're stupid, and you believe her? Instead of getting offended at her, you agree with her that yes you're stupid and feel bad about it.
you have to take responsibility for your own feelings of self worth.
if someone repeatedly calls you stupid, repeatedly shows utter contempt for you and other put downs, you terminate the relationship. Why wouldn't you? why continue on in the relationship and believe them and agree with them and feel bad about yourself, then complain that you feel bad about yourself. catering to her, tip toeing around her so she won't call you stupid again?
again, why do you allow one person to brainwash you into how you should think about yourself?
she's a nasty person, that's her fault.
Getting involved and staying involved with a nasty person, that's your fault.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 January 2012):
Your situation sounds horrible, however before you give the marriage up as a bad joke give it one more go. See if you can find some inexpensive counccelling, Relationships Australia or your local Salvation Army may be able to suggest services you can access.
Good luck with it all!
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