A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why do I read about so many girls who flirt when they don't mean nothing by it and get confused why a guy ends up liking them?Do I have to be official and ask her on a date and flat say it's a date in order for her to know that?Do I have to be official and ask her to go steady like it's 1950 if I want a girlfriend or something?Why do girls tease when they don't want to do nothing really? I am not saying they owe me sex, but they should at least stop me before clothes come off or tell me. I do not mess around with girls i just met because (sorry) I consider them easy. I do always stop at "no" but yeah I try to talk them into changing their minds a littleI would never hurt no one but I know lots of guys who really don't care and I know lots of nice guys who just get their feelings hurt (me) and are sick of being friend zoned or frustrated when girls send mized messagesWhat's wrong with saying what you mean and meaning what you say and not leading people on?I get that sometimes its just a conversation but then why give me your number or take mine if you're not going to answer or call me? I feel like I'm wasting my time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014): OP it sounds to me like you're a bit unsure and need too much reassurance from women before you'll make moves. Which is a huge turn off. OP forget what feminists say about women, they really don't want you stopping every second to ask permission or to be so unsure you need instructions all the time. Take the lead. Think ballroom dancing, the lead/follow dynamic, one has to be the leader and that's still the guy, mostly.
Plus OP, if you're just assuming they're girlfriends and acting like a boyfriend without having talked about that then that's a little creepy.
"You sure?"
There's no need to ask that, if they're there with you getting their clothes off then don't second guess that, just go with it. If they stop you, then stop. But until they do then take the lead.
If a woman is on a date with you, assume there's interest and don't act so unsure of what you're doing there. It's up to you to navigate that situation and make it fun, not second guess everything and vocalise that and kill the romance.
OP just find the balance between pushy and too respectful.
Every woman is different of course but in general, the vast majority are more receptive to a man who knows what he wants and how to get it. A guy who is confident and doesn't second guess things. One who also knows how to pace things and knows when to ask certain things.
Basically you just need more practice stop thinking and keep trying, it's a craft OP, not an art you can get good at meeting women.
You don't have to be a dickhead, but you do have to be interesting to her and most of the time you have to create that interest.
We still live in a time when it's our job to impress the woman, our job to seduce them because simply put, and no offence but if you were rich or handsome enough not to have to impress them you wouldn't be here asking us this.
All they have to do is look good. We have to pay for the dates, charm them with our wit, have exciting lives or be an interesting, compatible person.
Most importantly, OP stop thinking and don't doubt yourself. I've been rejected more times than I've been successful, and I've had women be absolutely vicious about it too. Doesn't bother me in the slightest because there's always more.
Lastly OP none of us are entitled to have a woman for any reason we think we should, we have to earn that chance with them. As for nice guy/asshole thing? Would you really want to date the type of drama queen idiot that dates assholes? Trust me you don't. Women like that live for drama and they'll create it if you don't. Stick to women who don't have such low standards.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): OPThe last thing I want to do is hurt a woman. I would never rape no one. I am not pushy sexual but I guess more persistant in talking her into changing her mind about going farther? I only had sex with two girls and both was what I thought was my girlfriends and asked them both "you sure?" every time. They said yes. And broke up a few days later. Never told me what I did wrong. Just that they didn't want a boyfriend so that is why I was confused.But I will ask from now on if she considers us dating and tell her I want to date her and I wont take it personal if she don't call me or answer. I still don't get why you talk for five hours and then don't call me. I do not think all girls are like that. I just run into themI got a lot of good answers and in a way I am too nice but yeah, I don't want to be that pushy guy that could be an ass and get a girl hurt or get me in trouble either.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 July 2014):
 I think some people, regardless of gender, do this as a confidence boost. Just to see if they can get your attention and keep your interest for a while, even if they're not actually serious. But please, don't sit there and say all girls do this, because we don't. And, please know that just as many boys do this. There are soooo many who talk to girls about wanting a relationship/wanting a future/being serious, when all they want is sex. Same as there are so many girls who want a future with a man/a serious relationship, but they keep flirting and being sexual early on anyway. It's because they think it's what's going to give them what they want... For most part they just want attention, I think.
What you need to learn is how to see through this. You're going to have to pass up on someone who looks promising, and who would have been an ideal match... had they only been sincere! So you're just going to have to be a bit harder to get, and reject more than you do... Of course this is hard, because feeling attractive and wanted feels nice. But when you know it's just a game then don't play it, even if it feels nice. Go only for the ones who keep it real. Learn how to differentiate between those who flirt for fun, and those who mean business.
PS. The ones who mean business seldom flirt too much! Flirting is saying "I like you", and if you're sincere about actually liking that person, they there's a lot at stake. When you're not sincere it is easier to flirt, because nothing is at stake. So, watch out for the ones who flirt more cautiously, as they are more likely to be sincere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): Have you considered that these girls aren't teasing you? That maybe they're just losing interest?
Another Thought: This works both sides too, SOME Men pretend to want something more when they want just sex & SOME women pretend to want something more when they just want the attention.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (1 July 2014):
Dear OP,
You've already been given good advice, I am just adding to what has been said.
"I do not mess around with girls i just met because (sorry) I consider them easy."
is the perfect contradiction to you complaining about :"Do I have to be official and ask her to go steady like it's 1950 if I want a girlfriend or something?" and "I do always stop at "no" but yeah I try to talk them into changing their minds a little"..
What do you really want, OP? A girl who doesn't need any gentlemanly behavior from your part (because we're not in the 50s anymore!), gives into sex when you feel like it - yet is not "easy"? Who says what she wants (modern and self-confident) but then can be talked into doing what you want (naive and insecure)? Who will give you attention and flirt with you (initative) and ask for your number and call you, yet is not spontaneous about her sexuality (restrained)?
Yeah.. I also want a man who is looking like a model, yet doesn't care much about his looks. Who is great in bed and very horny, yet always respects when I am not in the mood and is not even frustrated about it. Who loves me eternally yet doesn't "cling" at all. Who is not traditional and happy about feminism, but still pays all the bills with his well-paid job.
Let's go look for our dates in Neverland, then :).
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2014):
 Personally , I do not see anything wrong in asking her out on a date and flat out telling her it's date.
Or, in asking her to go steady if you want a Gf.
You do not " have " to, if you don't want, but I don't see why you would object to simple clear effective communication, that, after all, belongs to the " say what you mean and mean what you say " area.
As for flirting, I think both Cerberus and Honeypie made excellent points, I just want to add... be glad you don't live here in Italy , you'd be furious all the time. Flirting and its meanings and subtexts vary widely in diffrent contexts and cultures. Here flirting is a national sport and a fine art, it's just something that ALL people do because they like it and they are good at it.
There's STILL a way of flirting that means " I wanna a piece of you " and another that means " we are all just being witty, urbane and pleasant to each other "... and I admit the difference may be subtle, nevertheless I see that people most of the times manage quite well to get which is which, maybe it just takes time and practice ,... maybe who flirts to mean business is a bit more persistent and consistent, ... maybe it's just like having musical ear, or a predisposition for dancing , either you have it or you don't. At least, right off the top of my hat, I am not able to tell you " If I touch your left elbow I am attracted to you, if I touch your right elbow instead I am just being girlie and killing time ".
There's a solution though if you are not that great to decode flirting, i.e be active, not reactive. If YOU like the girl, you ask her out, you do not need her written permission or her signed declaration that yes she likes you too and she wants to get it on. YOU ask anyway ( nicely amd politely please ) if you get a yes, yay !, if you get a no, no big deal, smile, dust yourself off , NEXT !
Why you guys ( only some of you, of course ) need to play it so overly safe ? what's so terrible about " rejection " ?
It's fact of life, " you can't always get what you want ", but if you ask often enough, then you'll get your yes. Seek and you shall find.
As for stopping you before clothes come off, yes it would be best , it would be more prudent . Because there's lot of people that thinks like you, that they are ENTITLED to sex, and some alas, won't even take no for an answer, ergo the many date rapes, or at least extorted, non spontaneous consent.
But, you are NEVER entitled to sex, as you are free to give of your body only just when, how, and as much of it as you want, ( if you accept a dinner invitation from a gay man, that does not mean you MUST let him f..k your ass ) same goes for the ladies. Why should they necessarily want / accept intercourse because YOU think it 's right. Why does it have to be all or nothing ?. Maybe they want SOME level of intimacy, but up to a point. maybe they could not resist running their hands over that silky skin of yours, but, no more for tonight. Maybe they are cool with French kisses or oral sex or what not , but for any reasons of theirs they won't proceed further. Follow their lead,- learn to take NO for an answer , and be grateful for small blessings, you are frustrated because clothes came off and nothing much happened ? well, at least while you are getting SOME fun and attention, SOME action, think how many of your peers in that very moment are melancholically wanking in front of their computers and would envy you your partial success with a flesh-and-bones lady :).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2014):
 Hello OP,
You ask some interesting and valid questions. I fear the answers will be confusing.
I’m old. I dated before cell phones and the internet and cable tv.
To me flirting is fun and games and I never flirt to get asked out. Flirting for me is not a means to an end. Folks like me flirt for the sake of the flirt. But it’s incumbent on us as the flirter to make sure the flirtee knows we are only flirting and it’s not serious.
To that end I suggest you not take ANY flirting seriously. That way you can never be confused.
IF you want to ask a young lady out, then YEAH you have to ask her “do you want to go out with me… (to a movie, for coffee, to a park, to a concert etc)?” I mean how else will she know it’s a date?
IF you want a particular young lady to be your “steady” then YES you have to ASK her if she wants to be serious and exclusive. You don’t have to ask her to “go steady” just ask if she is ready to be exclusive with you.
As for a girl teasing you by letting you get as far as taking of your clothes then shutting you down… it’s her prerogative to change her mind at any point in an encounter, even if you have the condom on and are ready to penetrate. If she says NO… if you proceed it’s rape at worst.. and will always be sexual assault. NO means no.
“I do always stop at "no" but yeah I try to talk them into changing their minds a little”
In which case OP, I hate to tell you this but YOU DON’T “always stop at no” If a woman says “stop” and you say “come on baby just a little more” or any thing else to get her to change her mind YOU DO NOT STOP at NO and stop kidding yourself that you do.
As for the giving and taking of phone numbers.. some folks don’t know how to say no and think it’s rude to refuse. But then they don’t answer the phone as a way to avoid conflict.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2014):
 Well, this is not really an easy one.
1. Girls (especially) are raised to be NICE to people. Girls (especially) are more caring about others feelings, so while they might not WANT to date a guy they also don't want to hurt his feeling by saying no thanks. Because... IF she does, she is considered being mean.
Consider the story that was in the news not long ago with 22-year-old Elliot Rodger? He felt ENTITLED to have a GF, to GET sex, for GIRLS to like him, and when they magically didn't... he went on a killing spree. IT was (according to this guy) GIRLS (every girl out there) fault that he did what he did. He was PUNISHING every girl out there for whatever rejections he got. He isn't the first guy to do stuff like this. He SURELY isn't the first guy to CALL himself a GOOD guy and then being ABSURDLY SELF ENTITLED when turned down.
SO with that in mind, why do you think girls are apprehensive about telling a guy no, you are not someone I'd like to date?
Have you ever heard the expressions if a man runs a tight ship (in work/family/sport situations) he is considered "the boss" where as, if a women do that same she is bossy or a bitch?. See the difference?
If a guy sleeps with EVERY girl available he is "THE STUD!!" if a girl does the same.. she is "easy" or a "slut". But they are doing the exact same thing. See the difference?
GIRLS (and guys) LIKE attention. From their peers, from other girls (as long as it's either positive attention or envy) and from guys. Because we are told from early on that ATTRACTIVE people gets the cake. Some take attention as being popular and well, you know how American (especially) society views popularity.
Now to flirting.
Girls AND boys discover lust, hormones and the opposite sex in a WHOLE new way when they hit their teens. Flirting is an ARTFORM that not many people are actually skilled at it. And MANY people take FLIRTING for INTEREST. Flirting doesn't ALWAYS means interest. It can as easily mean a girl or boy PRACTISING her/his skills. IT can as easily mean that the person is JUST a really friendly kind of person. Social butterfly. Sometimes it's JUST banter. BANTER is NOT flirting.
All this is NO excuse, it's just a simple explanation or way to look at it.
Maybe that was a little food for thought?
As for your statement..
*** I do always stop at "no" but yeah I try to talk them into changing their minds a little***
No. JUST no. No should never mean maybe I can get a yes. As if, if she says no, then trying to convince her so she might make it a yes.... THAT is really WRONG. It's like taking a toddler and tell them kiss your gross uncle Bob and when they say no you MAKE them do it. It's JUST not right.
And if you think GIRLS/WOMEN don't get carried away and WANT to be SEXUAL (even if they don't REALLY feel ready or REALLY trust the guy) then you are wrong. GIRLS/WOMEN LUST as much as men do. WE just hide it better, because.... LABELS!! Because society tells us "good girls don't"...
When it comes to sending mixed signals.. trust me, BOYS do it too.
So YES, when you ASK a girl out (and you want it to be a date, BE CLEAR).
So YES, if you have been dating a girl for a few months and things are going GREAT, WHY NOT ask her to be your EXCLUSIVE GIRLFRIEND?
Do you have to? No, but it might make things easier. Take into account that not ALL GIRLS WANT to be the one to ask for this, because they WORRY about what others think. They don't want to come off as CLINGY or CONTROLLING. Whereas ... if a guy asks... no one blinks.
Girls are as CLUELESS at your age as YOU are. So help yourself and HELP any potential date, but being CLEAR and open. AND IF you are turned down, accept it with some GRACE instead of taking it as a personal insult. A girl turning you down doesn't mean YOU aren't GOOD enough. It just means the girl doesn't THINK you two are a good match.
Hope that helped a little.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): "Why do I read about so many girls who flirt when they don't mean nothing by it and get confused why a guy ends up liking them?"
Only immature women are like that, OP. The type that expect men to be mind readers so they can be a cock tease and blame the guy for taking it the wrong way. The way to deal with it is easy, just ignore flirting as a sign of interest on its own.
Plus OP a lot of women may flirt initially and then lose interest in you because you didn't respond the way they expected.
"Do I have to be official and ask her on a date and flat say it's a date in order for her to know that?"
You can if you like but there's no need. Whether they think it's an official date or not you can still treat it as such, flirt, make moves etc. You don't need written consent for that (yet, if feminists get their way).
"Do I have to be official and ask her to go steady like it's 1950 if I want a girlfriend or something?"
No, but you do have to officially agree upon taking the next step into an official relationship. That's the only thing that makes it official is that you both discussed it and agreed to it. You'd be a fool to just change your relationship status unilaterally.
"Why do girls tease when they don't want to do nothing really?"
Because it's fun. OP women live for male attention, they get very depressed when they don't have it and some then will create that attention themselves.
"but they should at least stop me before clothes come off or tell me"
Why should they stop you? If you want to know how far they want to go beforehand then it's on you to find out. You're being just as bad by thinking they owe you clear signals. Where's the fun in that? The whole fun of dating is the "will she/won't she" what's going to happen next dynamic.
"I do always stop at "no" but yeah I try to talk them into changing their minds a little"
Which is fine and the way it's supposed to be done. Always respect a 'no' but don't let it stop you from showing desire either.
"I know lots of nice guys who just get their feelings hurt (me)"
Meek, over-thinkers basically, OP. Betas as people often call them. Guys who think women should give clear signals about everything and like them automatically because they're nice. Nice isn't hot, OP, it's endearing and a good quality but "nice" never made any woman's knickers wet. Nice is a good quality in a friend but it's only one of the many things you need to get a woman's juices flowing.
If you're being friend-zoned then it's because you're too meek and you allow them to be friends by not directing it in a romantic direction from the start.
Also this bullshit about women being easy if they sleep with you, that's part of your problem. The difference between a friend and a boyfriend is the desire to mess around. If you're going into dates without that kind of desire for a woman then it's not a date, it's a lunch or whatever.
"What's wrong with saying what you mean and meaning what you say and not leading people on?"
Because it'd be boring. Like a business deal or a chat with a friend. The tease is part of the excitement, the fun, it's what moistens their knickers if you play it well. More importantly it's how they test your interest. Every intelligent woman will tell you words mean nothing, especially coming from the mouths of men. So even if people said what they meant it is very much open to interpretation, we're free to change our minds at any minute and actions speak louder than words.
Saying what you mean is what friends do.
"I get that sometimes its just a conversation but then why give me your number or take mine if you're not going to answer or call me?"
Yeah, that's annoying as hell. They do that because they're cowards. They're too scared to say no to giving you their number and they're too scared to tell you they're not interested when you call. Women like that are bitches not worth your time so don't worry about it. They saved you the price of a date and didn't lead you on further.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): I'm going to answer your last question first because it's the easiest and I used to BE that girl. I thought I was just having a friendly conversation and did a mental "uh-oh" when he wanted to swap numbers. In order not to embarrass him or hurt his feelings, I did that and figured not calling/not answering was letting him down easy and since I wasn't going to see him again, it didn't matter. I really wouldn't take that personally. I've since leaerned to say, "Oh, I'm really not looking, I didn't mean to give that impression." I'm sure you realize that a conversation is just a conversation. This happens a lot with strangers but it's confusing when it's a friend of a friend or someone you HOPE to see again. Most woman are just harmleesly flirting or flirting unintentionally. Don't worry about it :-)In a perfect world, people would say exactly what they mean, and many do, but not every girl (or guy) knows what they want right away. They want to feel you out to see if you are boyfriend material or friend material and sometimes they just want to flirt and have fun. You're right, that last part *is* sort of mean but as long as it's harmless flirting (like above), the worst thing that happens is a misunderstanding. Besides, "hi, I'm going to be flirting with you today, but only as long as we stand in line here at Kroger/sit here at Becky's house, all right?" sounds pretty stupid. I can see how if a girl DOES talk to you and hang out one-on-one you would think you two were dating. I would ask (if you've paid several times) if she doesn't bring it up, where she wants to go with it and tell her you don't want misunderstandings. As long as you're making it clear that you aren't PUSHING her, she'll know where you stand. If she doesn't like you "that way" but knows you're hoping for more, and she's a good person, she'll back it off a little.As for teasing, that is something you can control a little. If you don't want teased, stop her BEFORE the clothes come off. Gently her hand or something, ask her to slow it down, nothing wrong with that! If she changes her mind last-minute once, tell her from then on out, you will not be going farther than (oral/making out/stroking through clothes/whatever). If you need a breather, pull back a bit and tell her. I know you're a little frustrated, but don't try to change her mind. As a guy, she can easily falsely accuse you. DO NOT do anything while drinking because memories get foggy and control flies out the window. Plus, you don't know how drunk SHE is because she could LOOK more sober than she is. If you just met her, it's smart that you don't do anything with her but yes, wait awhile before you're alone with her - preferably until you are officially DATING her so there is no question of motives. Sometimes girls change their minds last-second because they get scared when they realize "it" is actually about to happen. Women, especially younger ones like the attention and the ego boost and don't take time to think it out. They feel powerful and wanted and attractive. But as soon as they put out, or as soon as they realize "wait, he's bigger than me and stronger than me and no one's going to hear me sceam and it'll look stupid if I do ..." they freak out. It comes from not thinking on their part. yeah, it's a total power play and fear/realization that they don't have the power in their hands anymore. Part of your problem is the company you keep. It's part of your age group. If you're seriously loooking for a girlfriend, make sure the girl knows you are trying to take her on DATES and that you are looking for a girlfriend, get to know her spiritually, mentally, make sure you are alligned there. Give her affection, attention, let her feel good about herself but make sure she is willing and able to cut out the teasing/powerplay. Of course you two can make out and mess around, but if you give her all that (and she reciprocates) then sex down the line will be consensual and more pleasant and there will be less mind games. if she breaks up before that, it just wasn't meant to be. You'll definitely find some duds, but dno't knock yourself out trying to analyze silly behavior.People of both genders and all ages act like morons because they want things all their way sometimes. it's honestly based on being selfish, really.
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