A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi there and thank you for reading this in advance. I am going to be very honest here so here goes. I am 45 and married to a man who has a child with another woman. Before we were married my husband rarely saw the child because the mother would not let him out of her sight. Now the mother has met a man and doesn't want the child at home with her at all near enough and so the child is with us 90% of the time. The thing is I am not vey keen on children, my child is grown up and at university and although the child is pleasant enough I don't want to live with him. This has been going on for a year and although I have tried and am kind and helpful with the child I just can't and don't want to live with another persons child. I don't feel anything at all although I will participate in all the things required of me. Ofcourse I fully accept that I should have thought about the possibility of this happening before we married but stupidly I assumed it would stay the same. Please note this is nothing against the child I just don't want to live with any child that is not my own flesh and blood. I have explained to my husband that I am very unhappy but I want to tell him that I want to leave but don't really know how to say it without hurting him. I wondered if any other readers had similar experiences or could give advice how to get out of this sorry mess with the least amount of hurt to all involved.
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female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (2 April 2011):
Well the only options you really have are either leave your husband or stay with him and stick it out. There's no magic answer here or even a compromise.I seriously doubt he would but what do you expect your husband to do? Abandon his son or at worst put him into care? Could you live with yourself if you helped to cause another human being (the child) that much pain?Personally from what you've written I don't think it's going to work out between you two. As even if the boy's mother will take a little more responsibility, I should think you will still be having the child over on a fairly regular basis. So I agree your decision to leave your husband is probably the best one. There's no easy way to go about it. You'll have to sit him down and explain your reasons. Then be firm, stick to what you've discussed and leave.
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (1 April 2011):
If you don't want to live with the child you should divorce. If you aren't thinking about divorce already, I don't know what else could you have in mind. I mean, if the mother doesn't want the child your husband will have to keep it. So, from now on (and as long as the mother doesn't change his mind) your husband and the child are together. Take it or leave it. Don't be afraid to hurt your husband, I guess it's always better to know the truth about people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Imagine yourself as the child. Simple as that. Put the child before yourself and all will be well. If you don't your husband will learn to hate you and the child will too. You married him and automatically became a step mother. It would be the same if the mother had passed away. Saying all that, you need support too. Meet up with the mother and see what compromise you can come to. Some men will just go along with what their wife wants for an easy life but you have to live with your conscience too. Imagine the hostility involved if the child is placed in care and turns to drugs or alcohol. You would have that on your shoulders.
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