A
female
age
36-40,
*onfusedgirl187
writes:I have dated my boyfriend for about 8 months and am 28. Things on the most part are amazing. I have been cheated on before and I can be insecure. I never accused my boyfriend of cheating or stop him from doing anything. I have questioned him about one or two of his friends (girls) because I know they like him. He got annoyed when I did. I have noticed that when I talk to him about my feelings, or something I did not like that he did, he gets defensive and calls me insecure. He says he is annoyed when we talk about things I am upset about. I trust him but I am uncomfortable sometimes. I get upset sometimes if he invites me over but then plays games or distracts himself with other things, is vague, refuses to plan/accept plans.. Specific Examples: 1. I was cheated on NYE by my ex. My boyfriend and I spent NYE separate. We hadn't talked in days and I wanted to talk to my boyfriend before NYE (I was feeling insecure). I explained that I don't think he would do anything, but that it was a tender time for me. He lost his s*** and said I didn't trust him. 2. Some pictures were posted from NYE and one was with a girl he is good friends with. I didn't like the picture (provocative but there was nothing "cheating" ). I told him that she posted pictures of him. He said I was upset of the pictures. I didn't like them, but I didn't think he did anything bad. He said that he was going make the one with the girl his profile pic. (We do not have a picture of us together on Facebook)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 January 2016):
 The point of telling your boyfriend you'd been cheated on in the past was so he would make special accommodations for you, yes? Unfortunately, it backfired because once you declare yourself to be damaged goods any future issues you have will be tainted by that information. Your concerns will be that much easier to dismiss, as you're seeing here. That's a YOU issue.
The next issue is your with a guy who has questionable associations with 'provocative' female friends. Strike one. After learning you are unsettled by the photo this friend posted he announces he might use it as his profile picture. His PROFILE picture. Strike two. Even if you were the most confident person in the world, there is something off about this.
Character and trustworthiness are not proven by the absence of bad but by the presence of good. We show others we're decent people by doing what is right, not simply by not doing what is wrong.
We can't act in a way that causes others to question our motives and expect them to rely on faith alone, which is what your boyfriend is doing.
Your trust issues are yours to overcome and this guy is going to stunt that process. He's not a keeper, I'm afraid.
A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (9 January 2016):
 Well, after a nearly three year hiatus, I have returned! Glad to be back!
Okay, now for the question. First, I need some clarification. You wrote that you have been dating this guy for around 8 months, and that you are 28. Assuming he is at least in the same ballpark age-wise, this is an adult relationship (as opposed to junior high or something).
Also, I am curious as to whether there is distance involved, or even if you are in an actual long distance relationship?
If the two of you are in an exclusive relationship, and not dating long distance, then you should have spent NYE together. That's what couples do. Furthermore, couples (especially in the early stages of a relationship) post pictures of each other on their social media, unless they don't use social media. You said he mentioned posting pictures of another girl (even making it a profile pic) on social media, so we know he does use social media.
If he has time and the desire to post any pictures on social media that aren't of himself or family, then why would it be of another girl and not you?
And if he is going out for NYE, why not with you?
It is impossible to not draw conclusions about his priorities from these situations you have described. Unless there are some other factors of which you have not made us aware, I am not sure why you are allowing any of this behavior on his part. Either he completely cares less what you think or how you feel, or he is intentionally testing you or pushing you away.
And I haven't even addressed the matter of whether he is being sensitive to your trust issues. I don't think that is your biggest problem right now.
You said that things, "on the most part are amazing". Why do you feel that way if, after 8 months, he doesn't even have a picture of you on his Facebook? That is, in my opinion, alarming.
Equally alarming is that, after you told him that the pictures of him with another girl (celebrating NYE together, no less) were upsetting to you, he responds by telling you he is going to make that picture HIS PROFILE PIC???!!!
Is that somehow not disrespectful, selfish, and in total disregard of your feelings?
Help me understand how being with this guy is amazing?
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