A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm from the US, in a relationship with a guy from the UK. I really do love this man and if things keep going well, I actually feel like I would be willing to make a huge sacrifice (which includes leaving my mother, father, etc and everything I know in the states) to move over there. Fortunately he seems willing to move here too if need be, he was looking into jobs over there. But I guess the reason why it would be so easy for me is because I'm in college (3 more years left) and don't really have much built up behind me. It's just me, my dog, and the future.I know our relationship is odd in that it's a long distance relationship and a lot of work will have to be put into in order to make it work, but as long as he's willing to work toward it, I definitely am.Guess I'm just looking for advice, words of encouragement, etc. Anything constructive is appreciated, but please don't just spout of "no, it won't work" because there is a whole community of people who are in or were in long distance relationships who made it work.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): OP here. Thanks for the answers guys. I just want real advice, which all of you have provided and that I appreciate. I just fear getting some people who will say that the effort isn't even worth making. I absolutely know LDRs are difficult- I'm in one. I also know there is a good chance it may not work out, but I'd be a horrible fool to not at try and give it all I've got. I love him, and how will I ever know if it would have worked or not if I don't at least try? What I feel isn't something you just throw away because a lot of similar cases don't work. Are we the case that makes it work? I don't know! I hope! I must try or I'd never ever forgive myself. As far as life in a different country is concerned, I know there are some differences in culture. But US to UK shouldn't be too bad, I hope. I'm been through the whole moving to a different city, finding a new social circle type of deal several times in the last 6 years. I've survived each time. My father has also moved to different cities and a different country. So moving isn't something I would let get in the way because I know from past experiences and through having a support system, I can make it.As far as my education is concerned, I have looked into that as well. My bachelor's is equivalent in both the US and UK. I am fortunate to have the means to get through college and have money for travel during the summers. I can either stop now, get an associates degree, then enter into a UK uni, or complete my bachelor's degree in three years then move.Again, I appreciate and agree with everyone's advice so far, but I know there are people out there who would just tell me to call it quits. Those people need not answer! Being realistic and being Negative Nancy are two different things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): Ps; looking at the move as a sacrifice is recipe for resentment. I'm the anonymous female poster who spoke about my experience. Moving was never a sacrifice. It was a strategic move.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): Cindy cares gave fantastic advice! Absolutely spot on.I did long distance for a couple of years before I moved to my now husband's country. They speak a different language and have a different education system and I had to get local qualifications on top of my golden resume. In short. I've been there and it worked out brilliantly. But my story is in the minority and I was absolutely clear in my head about what MY plans and expectations were personally upon moving and what I envisioned OUR plans to be. Ie what money would I be spending. How to find a job and what opportunities were open to me. How to build my social circle here and where I would live. And if it all turned out horribly, what was my plan B.It's great to be in love but you have to be sensible and practical. Be absolutely clear with yourself and with him what you expect from the relationship. The 3 month holiday visa is an excellent trial idea.Don't go there expecting your whole life to be centred around him. Build your own life and stand on your own feet. You'll have a better partnership because of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): The only couples I know who have had (or are having) successful LDR's manage by juggling their schedules and forking out a lot of money to see each other regularly.One couple are based in Athens(him)and Vienna(her). They fly out to visit each other every month at least and take holidays together on top of that.Another couple are based London (him) and Moscow (her). One of them flies out to visit the other once every six weeks and spends a week there. They take it in turns.Both couples are in their late 30's/early 40's and don't have plans for marriage or children. (they have them from previous relationships)This obviously costs a lot of money which I doubt you have being a student.Is it worth considering transferring your studies to a University in the UK? You might have to start again from the beginning but if you really want to be with him.....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 August 2014):
 I don't like the word which you have chosen ,
" spouting " .Quoting stats, and taking into account things as they are and not how we would like them to be, is not " spouting ". If I say, for instance, that only a really minimal percentage of people who got married under 20 results still married with the same person 20 years later, ( ergo, probably getting married as a teen is not a great idea... ) I am not spouting anything, I am bringing up an objective, well researched fact. Does this mean that nobody who marry their high school sweetheart can ever make it ? Obviously not, just that the odds aren't very much in their favour.
Ditto for LDRs ( amd for LDRs which are supposed to LAST as such quite a while ). There may be a wide community of people who made it work, but there's also a MUCH,much wider community of people who couldn't, and here at DC we should know it, seen the volume of mail we receive about the challenges ( and insuccesses ) of LDRs.
So , you know already that the odds are against you, which does not exclude that you could be among the lucky ones, particularly if you try and maximize your odds. How do you do that ? Doing your homework well, and making INFORMED decisions.
Just a few instances, you can build on from there on your own :
- your work. You are graduating from an US college, would your degree / title / credentials be recognized and immediately marketable in UK, or you would have to get equipollence ( the recognizion that they correspond to the degree and title required in UK for the job you want ). How much time, how many exams, and how much money ( it's never for free.. ) it would take ? It MIGHT be long and complicated , even years. What would you do in the menatime, would your bf / husband be able to support you financially ? Would you have to accept some menial unskilled job, to contribute to the couple budget, and how would you feel about that ? As it's a temporary , bearable,small sacrifice,- or as big ,humiliating waste of your time and talents ?
- his family and friends. If you were from the same place, it would not be such an issue, suppose you don't like them, you can just choose to not see them and to be not involved, or involved just that tiny bit for minimal politeness. Emigrating in a new country it's not the same, as you say you would be leaving behind all yor social network and support sytem, you may NEED to get along with his parents and siblings, because you may need practical or psychological help, or just human contact while you make your own social circle.
- the general environment. It's a bit too optimistic thinking that " love conquers it all " and as long as you can be with your beloved , you'd be happy on a desert island or in the heart of a jungle. It's simply not true, once the honeymoon phase it's over. There ARE places and cultures that you can easily adopt, or to which you can adjust - and others in which, no matter how hard you try, you'll always feel unhappy and frustrated. Now, of course from US to UK, or viceversa, that should be a cinch, same language, cousin countries, not much of a culture shock at all. And then again, you never know, ..if you are a rabid Manhattanite, say, finding yourself in... Inspector Barnaby's Midsomer might be hard to swallow...
And so on and so forth, but, most importantly, how much time, money and chances would you have during your LDR to visit each other and try and gt to know the REAL person, beyond and beside the words you exchange on a computer screen ?..
Words are easy and talk is cheap, and no, I do not mean that he would be telling you lies, or only what you want to hear. I mean 1 ) that in a LD courtship it is easy and natural to put the stress on what unites, not what divides,- of course both of you will be focusing more on what attracts you to each other and play down what may make you different , or TOO different.
2 ) that words gove you the measure of a mental , intellectual compatibility, .. but not much more. " We have so many things in common " people often say ... are you sure ? That's it is not just interests and tastes ?. Ok, it is great having tastes in common, but... it ain't all. You and I could find out we love the same music , and food, and books, and fashion etc... but then still be unable to spend a weekend together due to basic differences in morals, values, priorities, upbringing, the way we relate to people, the way we handle conflict, etc.etc. - you name it.
3) physical compatibility- the spark- the chemistry. Have you MET already , have you become intimate ?.. Chemistry is rather capricious and impredictabe, there's people who you fancy a lot from afar,... for some reason, not so much in person, one on one, even if ,on paper and in pic they ARE your physical type.
I don't want to rain on your parade or be a killjoy, but I honestly think you should not be so gung-ho on " sacrifice " and " making it work "- if some minimal premises aren't there. Like, either one , or both, can employ time and money to visit each other, possibly for an extended period of time ( like the 3 months tourist visa which either one would get ), and also , use this periods not just as a romantic vacation in new exciting surroundings, but as a dress rehearsal of what your real life would be, living together, cooking and cleaning together, budgeting together... you know, all the normal, boring stiff that " forever " couples do.
Now, being that you are in college, I think in practice it may result difficult to do that, so you would be going - or he would be coming- on a wing and a prayer. Which is always very risky, and I don't think that reminding you of the risks is unwarranted or patronizing.
Then again, if you mean to tell me that nobody can KNOW what the future will be, only God or Destiny for those who believe in such entities,... that's undeniable and I would be hard pressed to counter that.
Everything is a risk in life.... just make sure it is not a foolhardy, unaffordable risk, and that you do not stand to lose much more than you would gain...
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