A
female
age
51-59,
*crushed
writes:How do I move on? Anyone else in the same situation? I would love all the positive feedback I can get on this. We have been married almost 12 years, we have known of each other since middle school. My husband has said he has wanted to be with me as far back as he can remember. We use to be inseparable, he would call me during the day just to say hi and see how my day was going, but the last 8 years have been like not having a mate at all. He has been cheating on me off and on since '02. (that I know of) He hooks up with women that he works with and people that he has been with (supposedly before me), old friends, old girlfriends. He contacts these women as soon as he leaves home, and any and every chance he got during the day and as soon as he leaves work. But I can't get him to even tell me about his day. He is very secretive, he talks to his co-workers in such a calm and relaxed voice, but if I ask him anything it's usually a one word answer. We don't do anything together other than go to the store. I mention things that we can do as a family and he either doesn't say anything, says he doesn't want to go or says all of his money is for bills. However he shops continuously. He brings things in and says he had it for a long time. He constantly buys underwear, I have even found them in his car. I think he has a prepaid phone, since he knows that I will check the cell phone. I know what I need to do, but I am a stay at home mom and I don't have a nest egg. He told me after his first affair that if we break up there is no getting back together (wow what a blow), and he said to me after his last incident that there is no need for him to leave since he pays the bills, knowing I have nowhere to go. We have 5 children and I am the one that does everything with and for them (with his money of course) He never complains because he does everything he wants, when he wants and has been for a long time. If I ask him a question about what he's doing he just flat out won't say anything. There is no affection from him unless he wants to have sex (not often), and he used to be all over me. He will either sleep close to the edge or tuck the covers under him like a sleeping bag. If I don't sit by him on the sofa we would never sit together. He tells me he will do anything for me, but I think it's just to keep me quiet and of course it is only what he wants to do, when he wants. Bottom line I am not happy and have not been for a long time and I deserve better.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2010): Hello
I am not clear why every advice in every post have to be same... leave him or her... divorce him or her" file a complaint...seek attorney...you are in bad situation, this is not tolerable....
Even though we know that in this site, we only hear one perspective from his and her point of view and that too many times posted in anger and problems where mind in in delicate situation.
Any way....
we all know that there can be some misnderstanding also b/c couples. I am 36 year old and in my life i only love my wife and only girl i touched even ( forget sex) , but still i am always on watch and nagg by my wife for any possible affairs with any office colleague and any phone call that come to me for official work.
1) Have u really seen your DH with any one in compromising situation?
2) It is very normal for any man to talk normal to other office mates coz, men do not want to show the problems to them. So even if i have fights with my wife, if a call come, i will take them normal. so that is very acceptable.
3) and about the fights betwean you and your DH in small matters in home is normal as long as it is twice per day.
4) In the ego battle stages between couple, many Men behave exactly the way described in the post. they will not come closer ( sit in sofa , sleep away and all sort of things ) and to surprise you that these are the signs of normal husband who expects you to come to him and either cajol him or he want you to show possessiveness. Like you drag him to bed or you drag him to dining table and have the dinner or any thing of that sort.
So he still is attached to you and loves you. There may be some issues in you and him ( all have weakness and strengths ) but he certainly need some chance to make up.
and you may also need to introspect on how you react to him and how you act to him. i feel u two can work it out.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (9 April 2010):
 Start making a plan, with the first step being to contact an attorney TODAY to find out how to file for a legal separation and get an order of support. I doubt any court in America is going to put a mother and five children out of the family home, so don't worry about not having a place to go. You're essentially a single mother already so his absence will not create a hardship as far as child-rearing.
You're really not in as bad a position as you think. You are not trapped by any means and you have options. The first step in moving forward is to GET MOVING!
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (9 April 2010):
 I stopped at "he's cheated on me on and off for years."
The rest of your thing was irrelevant to me. I don't knwo WHY you're still there. Once a cheater shows up, I leave. There is NO POINT in hanging on. He broke the vows.
yeah he's secretive. He HAS to be. That's what cheaters do. Go file for divorce already, what are you waiting for? his lover to show up at your bed? No thank you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 April 2010):
 Your in a deep rut and it appears your husband resents you. None of this is directly your fault. He's a cheat and won't change. He has you where he wants you...looking after the kids and home, while he plays away.
Thousands of women are in this position and its desperately sad.
If there is any way you can make plans to get away from him, then you probably should. Gather evidence of his infidelity, enlist the help of family and friends if you can and maybe think of a way to get away from him. You have a responsibility to your kids to be there for them and maybe you will have to bide your time. Things may not change anytime soon, but start formulating a plan, maybe put by some money or something.
Even if it takes 5 years, it seems your marriage is in trouble. If you make plans at least in 5 years you will not have done nothing to improve your situation.
I wonder what would happen if you flat out asked your husband for a divorce?
I feel for you. It took me a long time to get out of my marriage...and even though I am alone...it's better than what I had before.
Best of luck xxx
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A
female
reader, sweetspicy +, writes (9 April 2010):
 I have an idea of what you can do, find a baby sitter for the night, Get a bunch of your friends together and go out. If he has been keeping you traped inside and you dont know who you can bring, grab some family members or co workers as long as they're over 21 it's all good. Go to some clubs/bars and mingle with people you'll be surprised at how much fun you can have with out him looking over you. Plus he cant get mad that you were out with a family member or a friend. It does sound like you need to grasp the situation and figure out why you would want to stay with him. If you know you deserve better go out there and get better, the only person that can change this situation is you. After you face your fears you will have the rest of your life to enjoy like you once did.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): This may not be what you want to hear but if you are serious about leaving him I would advice patience.
My wife works as a lawyer and she has a few colleagues in the family department. They are going though tones of divorces at the moment (economic hardship has a way of splitting couples up) however, it seems that unless the man is earning a significant amount the outcome if often very poor for the woman if she used to be a stay at home mom. To put it bluntly you have no work experience and in the current economic climate it will be very hard for you to get a job, how will you support yourself? Will alimony be enough?
Are your credit cards in your name or your husbands name? What about the house?
Best advice to give you is to consult a professional to see what claims you could have to your combined assets and not to start proceedings until you are ready to do so and have a concrete plan.
Best of luck
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