A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do or think. My boyfriend of almost a year is coming out of a state of depression and he is unemployed and keeps getting rejected despite his high qualifications (3 law degrees and 3 languages) because of the crisis. He has taken this out on me plenty of times and I have started to put my foot down, telling him that I deserve consistency. He ends the relationship every two or three days (we live together), he took away my key to the apartment, accuses me of cheating on him, makes me send him outlook invites for the meetings that I have work and then interrogates me about who the invitees are, and last night he said "I mean it this time, I always say it but I mean it this time, I don't want to be with you". I wake up this morning and start to pack my things because its been an emotinoal roller coaster and I want to be with him, I know that I want to be with him but I am not getting the consistency or solidarity that healthy relatinoships NEED to survive. We just had a conversation where he asked me if I was moving out and if I was making the decision to end the relationship. This has been MONTHS of him breaking up with me, making me sleep on the couch, apologizing and blaming it on the depression, breaking up with me again, calling me a wh*re (tonight he claims 'but the last time I said that was a week ago'), and I have officially lost my sanity and touch with reality. He tells me that he does want to be with me and that (for example) I hurt his feelings. Today we went to the inauguration and had to go through a security check. Everyone going through received a pat-down and when we were done, he says "nice to see that's how it is in America, he can touch you because he f*cked her and she f*cked him and you f*cked him and everyone just f*cks, I can't believe you let him touch you like that". Now, when he sees me looking for apartments and sees me getting upset (very quickly...shorter fuse than i had months ago) telling him that I deserve consistency, he says that he loves me and that he would never let me leave the apartment and that if we break up it is because I left him, not because he left me.Help! I have NO idea what to think! My head is SWIMMING Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): You need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can.He has a lot of emotional issues, and well as personal issues. You are not to blame for his depression or any part of his un-wellness. He needs to sort his life out, and figure things out on his own. He needs to seek professional help with his depression, and by the way he is treating you right now, things might escalate and worsen. Right now he is just verbal, but if his stress continues, I am afraid for your safety. It won't be long before this situation worsens, and you are caught in both a physical and verbally abusive relationship. I've seen it happen to many times.Please Get Out And Leave Him, While You Still Can.I know it is hard to leave someone you love and care about, but it will be the best for both of you.Until he gets himself and his life straightened out, you need to Leave Him, and Move Out.Please Do Not Take This Lightly.For The Sake Of Your Own Safely, Please Get Out, And Leave, Immediately.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (20 January 2009):
 Your bf needs help and it cannot continue on this constant emotional rollercoaster.
Has he suffered with depression before all of this with no job etc?
He could have clinical depression and that is a condition that needs to be treated. He needs to go and see a doctor and if he refuses then you can say to him that you have tried to be there for him and I also think there should be some sort of counselling, whether it is to try to help his self confidence or something I am not sure. He needs to be evaluated as you are NOT a doctor and he cannot continue to treat you in this way without trying to get some help.
It must be like living on egg shells and unfortunately you are certainly not alone, I am sure there are thousands of people who are in a similar boat to you. The UK is no different right now, we are in this deep hole with our economy and it is affecting everyone. Jobs, homes being repossessed, families who have worked all their lives now being slung on the heap as worthless and there is no glimpse of it changing.
I know that some people are more vunerable than others but unless he tries to deal with this in a positive way then I cannot see how you can help him. Unfortunately you are too close to the situation to see it clearly. Perhaps just moving out to stay with friends or family temporarily could give him a jolt as you have gone to move out and he stops you each time with a promise of things are going to change. Nothing will change unless he makes it happen.
It is not easy in these types of situation but I understand how hard it must be for you to. What is the fallout if you do move out, I am assuming you are the person who is earning right now and possibly paying the rent?
Does he have family or friends he could go and stay with? He could obviously go deeper into a depressive state and that is also something you need to think about. You cannot be held responsible for him as well as yourself and he is an intelligent man so he is basically lashing out at the person who is closest to him.
You cannot be the battering ram forever and so try to plan it through so you can walk away with your head held high and knowing that you did everything in your power to try and help him and if he refuses there is very little you can do. You can only take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (20 January 2009):
 This is not a "consistancy" problem, it is a "controlling" problem, completely different. This is abuse. Do you know why you feel like you are losing your sanity? It's cause you are, which is the common result of long term mental abuse. This type of relationship never ends well, but usually always ends. Time for you to move forward. You will see that once you have gone through all the processing of breaking up (denial to anger to depression and guilt, to acceptance) you are more empowered, you gain a great deal of self esteem, and earn a sence of independence (which is very attractive to a good man). Stay with this guy, and guarenteed, your sanity will deminish. Don't make up excuses for him "he can't find a job", because right now our economy is crappy and we are all having a hard time, and we are all not being abused by our partners because of it. This is who he is and if it isn't a job crisis, it will be something else. Move on.
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